My 11 year old dd is adamant I’m not allowed to date 🥴

[Pressstopthengo]

Separated 4 years ago from exDH he quickly got with a nice girl - kids really like her so all good. They live with each other and the kids stay over 50/50

I was full on single for three years. No dating nothing.

Last year I started dating someone, nice bloke. She knew I was was speaking to some one and his name as it would pop up on the car dashboard if he messaged. She also knew I sometimes stayed at his house. ( Her dad was a big fan of dropping them off early as I was basically doing the drive of shame home) It ended after a few months as I wasn’t ready for a full on relationship.

Since November I’ve been friendly with a guy, it’s been a real slow burner, we’ve been out for a few drinks had a couple of snogs but due to me still scared of committing I’ve really kept him at arms length.

Until now - as I really do like him. And I feel like if I get in to something with him it’s going to be long term - we talk daily on the phone now/facetime/discussing future trips ect.. he has been very patient.

My 11 year old has read my messages on my phone ( without me knowing) - nothing spicy - just us discussing looking forward to seeing each other next week.

And she has got really angry/upset. She’s read the entire thread and said I was disgusting for kissing him in his car ( it was discussed 😬)

She said she didn’t like me staying at the other man’s last year as it was unsafe and she was worried about me.

Her dad was never abusive to me although on one occasion he kicked my front door really hard because I wouldn’t let him in - after we separated - and I had to phone the police - so not sure if it’s related to that.

She really likes her dad’s girl friend but she says it’s not the same for me as I’m her mum. She’s given me a long list of things that I basically can’t do - apparently to her I can only FaceTime and not actually meet up. She said she would run away to her dad’s if I made him my boyfriend. That I’m not allowed to mention her name to him, if he touches her cat she will shave the cats fur off 🧐

I have literally done everything in my power to create a safe space/home for my kids. I’ve never had a bloke back here. Not even the guy I was seeing last year. I wanted to create stability whilst her dad was introducing his girlfriend and the kids were dealing with that.

But I know her, she is my shadow, she calls me her bestie but she is stubborn and I just know this is going to be a nightmare. I could see her mind going and she refuses to talk to me about it. I said nothings going to change but didn’t agree to her terms as it wasn’t fair.

There is no chance I’ll be introducing him anytime soon - but I’m ready to have him over - when the kids are not here.

My youngest - 8 said she felt sad for me the other day as no one loves me 😂😂😂 So I know she will be ok - even with idea of it.

Any advice on not ballsing this up but also making a path so that I could have a relationship with some one who is pretty great who isn’t being given snake eyes if they do ever meet 😬

Thanks if you got this far x

Oh gosh! Why was she doing that?

Why are you so invested in how often they've seen each other? What does it matter how slow it's been if they're both happy with it? There are worse things than taking things slowly. Besides, it sounds like things are progressing more now that something romantic has started.

Be like this.

Your daughter can't dictate terms! She's not your mum! You HAVE to be the adult in charge, @Pressstopthengo

Goodness, I'd be giving sanctions for invading my privacy, to start with. As for the rest - she's 12 and you're an adult. She does not get to dictate how you live your life.

I find all these controlling children, especially those that seem to believe they own their mothers, really disturbing.

Absolutely not.

I honestly (as a child of divorce myself) have never (even when young) understood where people get off thinking they have a right to dictate their parents love life.

I loved my mam and thus wanted her to be HAPPY. It never even crossed my mind to interfere in her relationships (same with bio dad although I didn't 'love' his deadbeat ass... most of his girlfriends/wives over the years where quite nice people though and what they do is non of my business).

Nobody get a say in anybody else's love life, I would be devastated if my kid grew up to be controlling, demanding and blackmailing like that. Its a major red flag flaw and not only would I be mad about them boundary stomping and disrespecting my rights but also worried for any future relationship they will be part of with showing such unhealthy levels of co-dependence, sexism and manipulation.

There was a very similar thread a few days ago

She worries about you being unsafe. She's not too young to be aware of things like date rape and she's correct that men are more dangerous than women.

This might be a good chance to model to her how you keep yourself safe when dating so that she can learn for when she's older.

She will want to be dating herself in about 2-4 years I bet.

You could ask her to right a list of things she's worried about if you have a boyfriend and then go through each point reassuring her.

My DD who was 22 at the time was very against me dating. She’s now 25 and jealous that I now spend time with his children (6 and 9) even though she lives with her boyfriend and she has known mine for many more years than we have been dating. It’s getting easier but still sometimes difficult.

I think some of this is “learned “ behaviour or if a child sees the H behaving in a certain way they take on this behaviour. This is my explaination for my situation at least! Doesn’t make it right though!

Ffs she’s just turned 11 😂😂

I’ve found it ( I think ) - it’s about a four year old little boy being off with mums new partner when he visits

I like the list. It’s something I’ll do

@Pressstopthengo that post is very diff to yours as op actively is trying to bring bf into house and seems to be expecting too much too soon! Your approach is a great deal different. I really hope your relationship develops. My kids are getting older now and if I didn’t find dp would have a lot of alone time when kids are at dads as we are 50/50 too. Plus tweens and teens want to go out / spend time with friends, so it’s good to find someone you might want to spend time with / grow old with … lol getting ahead of myself!

@Pressstopthengo she shouldn’t see you as a bestie. That’s friends territory and you’ll always be her parent even if you never need to tell her off. Think she needs to understand a few ground rules, while at the same time you reassure her and let her know you will always be careful (because at her age and a lot of change she will be worried about all sorts of things).

No, it was a young girl who asked her mum what she was doing on the days she was with her dad, who she was seeing etc. I didn’t read all of it but it was very very similar up to the point I stopped reading. Probably in chat, relationships, somewhere like that. I’d say less than a week ago. Dad also had a girlfriend she was fine with, it was just Mum’s relationship she worried about.

And something like he took her to the corner shop for chocolate sometimes which was the only time she was enthusiastic.

It stands out to me that when their DPs seperate the kids are OK with Dad moving on,but not Mum. I suppose you're her security, the person she knows won't leave like Dad did, but now there's a strange man and who knows? She's too young to understand adult relationships, she's had you all too herself and that's how she likes it, she doesn't see you as a woman who would like a BF, just as DM.
I would be telling her off for invading your privacy, she's old enough to know somethings are private. In a couple of years she'll go mad if you did the same thing to her

You sound incredibly naieve and emotionally immature, your Dh kicked in the door, but you don't consider this significant? FFS!

Same..

I'd be having some chats about internalised misogyny and the double standards by which women and girls are expected to conduct themselves compared to men and boys.

It's interesting how she picked shaving the cat if it were touched by a man, though - seeing as punishment for women attempting to exercise some agency in their lives has almost always involved shaving their heads.

I wonder what messages she's getting at her father's house?

It’s not internalised misogyny. She’s 11 and scared about possible changes.

And that’s one big reach about the cat bloody hell.

I’m sorry my 11 year old daughter has disturbed you so much

He didn’t kick in the door. It was 4 years ago and she was seemed fine after and has never spoken about it since.

I’ll be definitely speaking to her about going through my phone. She has private journals ect.. so she will be fully aware of the invasion of privacy

I’ll have a nosey