My 11 year old dd is adamant I’m not allowed to date 🥴

[Pressstopthengo]

Separated 4 years ago from exDH he quickly got with a nice girl - kids really like her so all good. They live with each other and the kids stay over 50/50

I was full on single for three years. No dating nothing.

Last year I started dating someone, nice bloke. She knew I was was speaking to some one and his name as it would pop up on the car dashboard if he messaged. She also knew I sometimes stayed at his house. ( Her dad was a big fan of dropping them off early as I was basically doing the drive of shame home) It ended after a few months as I wasn’t ready for a full on relationship.

Since November I’ve been friendly with a guy, it’s been a real slow burner, we’ve been out for a few drinks had a couple of snogs but due to me still scared of committing I’ve really kept him at arms length.

Until now - as I really do like him. And I feel like if I get in to something with him it’s going to be long term - we talk daily on the phone now/facetime/discussing future trips ect.. he has been very patient.

My 11 year old has read my messages on my phone ( without me knowing) - nothing spicy - just us discussing looking forward to seeing each other next week.

And she has got really angry/upset. She’s read the entire thread and said I was disgusting for kissing him in his car ( it was discussed 😬)

She said she didn’t like me staying at the other man’s last year as it was unsafe and she was worried about me.

Her dad was never abusive to me although on one occasion he kicked my front door really hard because I wouldn’t let him in - after we separated - and I had to phone the police - so not sure if it’s related to that.

She really likes her dad’s girl friend but she says it’s not the same for me as I’m her mum. She’s given me a long list of things that I basically can’t do - apparently to her I can only FaceTime and not actually meet up. She said she would run away to her dad’s if I made him my boyfriend. That I’m not allowed to mention her name to him, if he touches her cat she will shave the cats fur off 🧐

I have literally done everything in my power to create a safe space/home for my kids. I’ve never had a bloke back here. Not even the guy I was seeing last year. I wanted to create stability whilst her dad was introducing his girlfriend and the kids were dealing with that.

But I know her, she is my shadow, she calls me her bestie but she is stubborn and I just know this is going to be a nightmare. I could see her mind going and she refuses to talk to me about it. I said nothings going to change but didn’t agree to her terms as it wasn’t fair.

There is no chance I’ll be introducing him anytime soon - but I’m ready to have him over - when the kids are not here.

My youngest - 8 said she felt sad for me the other day as no one loves me 😂😂😂 So I know she will be ok - even with idea of it.

Any advice on not ballsing this up but also making a path so that I could have a relationship with some one who is pretty great who isn’t being given snake eyes if they do ever meet 😬

Thanks if you got this far x

Yeah but nothing was rude or sexual.

I mean she might be traumatised at the thought someone kissed her mum 😂

That's a lesson in snooping learned the hard way.

To be underlined by her mother telling there that she'll always be there for as her mother but that she's also an adult in her own right and entitled to an adult life as well.

@Pressstopthengo for some reason the mothers really get a hard time from the Dc if we date a man! My older DD was like this where as younger DD was fine!
Put a passcode on your phone as your daughter sounds like she is persistent and also … kids can be controlling. It’s a bit of an alien concept but it can happen if you allow it. It is down to personality how my 2 children from the same father reacted differently to the same situation!

Oh and yes DD1 is hardwork!

Yep! Curiosity killed the cat.

I’ve just gone through the entire thread and there are some really cringey texts 🙈

Yes mothers do get a harder time. I think dd1 thinks she owns me. We are very very close.

How old is your dd1?

It’s been three times. Work commitments on both sides but mainly down to me not allowing anyone in. It was a traumatic separation (for me) with ex and if anyone shown real interest I’d leg it. But it was a friend thing at first not a dating thing.

Going against the grain but I think some posters are being a bit harsh about you not being careful enough with your phone. It's not like she's seen explicit messages or porn or pictures.

At 11 she's perfectly capable of understanding privacy. Looking at someone's phone is like reading their diary. Hopefully it'a a lesson learned and she won't want to look again.

I would keep reassuring her that you love her but that she doesn't get to make rules. I'd explore why she thinks it's different for her mum than her dad. It sounds like she's worried she's going to get left behind in all this.

I understand not introducing them too soon and I agree it's the right thing to do but I wonder if it sometimes actually makes children feel even more left out. Like there's this whole big part of mums life that she's not involved in and doesn't really know about (other than through snooping) and it's easy in her head to then build it up that this new man is going to take her place in mums heart. No solution there, just a musing.

I really hope you continue this OP and allow yourself this happiness. I think in the long run it's modelling healthy boundaries and caring for yourself and your own happiness.

@Pressstopthengo DD2 is 18 now but 14 when she found out. I didn’t tell her but she went through my phone. Same here, she thinks she owns me ( but like her dad, my ExH) and also told me I should wait till she’s 25 or something ridiculous. I’m a similar age to you and met Dp when I was 41. I haven’t even moved him in yet. DD2 loves him, she sees how happy I am and loves playing with his DC. It’s such an upsetting one as you want to enjoy it but can’t fully. And you sound like you are being very sensible too! I hope you have the happiness you deserve 🩷

Of course there's nothing wrong with being in a relationship but I do think it's common sense to make sure your 11 year old can't read your messages or nose through your phone.

I agree that she might feel left behind - she also feels like she needs to be ‘in the loop’ with everything and needs to know the plans of the day ahead of her and I think that gives her safety. If I don’t tell her something to her it’s akin to lying.

When her dad met his partner we had not been been separated long and the way he told them was really unsettling to them. I think they dealt with it really well. So I feel like I’m their touch base and me meeting someone has wobbled her.

You need to make it clear to the little madam that she is not the one in charge here. Yes, she's a child, but she is massively overstepping and it simply can't be pandered to.

We were just friends at first. Men and women can be friends. Then over the months it has ramped up, but yeah it’s took a while for me to get here. But I’m glad I took my time, I don’t regret that.

I've not yet met anyone - not wanted to - since my divorce, but I can completely see why your DDI needs the security of knowing everything; my DS1 is the same, but he is more settled when he knows I'm in charge, even if he doesn't like it! I think young kids taking charge makes for insecurity...it's too much power and they know it, so I'd definitely be saying "yes, I'm listening, no I'm not going anywhere, BUT I am allowed a life, and if I ever meet someone that I think deserves to meet you then I will introduce them". So a balance between you validating and valuing their feelings but not handing over control of your life...if that is achievable?

This!

Perfect

I have no advice but actually chuckled at both the cat and ‘no one loves you’ comments

This is the way I’m going to go I think as I’m in danger of making the situation worse if I pander to her. Thank you

No! The worst thing you can do is lie to her and hide it from her, that's not going to win her round at all. That's mad advice.

Yes we’re seeing each other next week which she is aware of now

She's 11. She doesn't get to decide. So politely and kindly ignore her rules. No need for a confrontation.

Manage your phone better.

If their father brings her home early, you are out shopping for shoes and will be home in 30 mins. When he is early, make him wait. He'll soon stop. As for 'shame', what shame?

I have a teen boy who doesn't want another man coming into our home. Fair enough, but it doesn't stop me dating. 🤗