Rather embarrassing ... I am in my early 60s and still afraid of sleeping in the house by myself... How do I overcome this?

[loveyouradvice]

Yes... literally that... and I hesitated before typing it.

Its totally illogical but when Im in the house with the dog and DH or DC, I'm relaxed and as happy as anything after dark, just pottering around before bed and going peacefully to sleep.

When alone (and without dog, as at the moment), I hear rustling and creaking floorboards and my imagination is full of strange men in the dark with knives or a desire to hurt me hovering at the edge of my consciousness.... I feel tense and nervous, and have to shut all the doors and leave all the lights on outside the bedroom, and take ages to get to sleep

So ... what would you do? I've 3 nights alone now and I WANT TO CONQUER THIS.

I am LONGING to go to bed as blasély and easily as I do when there are others around... Same house, same me... Hmmm

I lock up and leave a chair right in front of the back door (you might be concerned here about getting out in a fire so don't copy me). I treble.lock.my front door. The keys are next to me. I have front and rear cameras that I can check on my phone. The landline is near me. I am happy to check up on empty rooms and lock all windows. I sleep fine, but avoid any movie film or news that might frighten me. To be honest I do that anyway (I've got a weird head, I don't need to add anything to it by watching horror movies). These things help put my mind to rest.

Oh and for what it's worth I don't think your fear is illogical at all. It's a primal fear I think. But it won't subside until you put yourself in the situation more frequently. Just one internetters thought. Good luck.

I'm almost 50 and think I like being alone at night ( when kids are away ) but thinking about it properly that's only because I have my dogs and they sleep with me and literally bark at anything noisy , so I only feel safe as I have them. I don't think I would feel comfortable at all alone so I don't think you're alone in feeling vulnerable at all

I honestly don't even think about it but I'm 40 and have never lived with anyone else since I left home
If I watch a horror film before bed (don't do that, stupid idea) I can get a bit jumpy so I leave a nightlight on and have a podcast for sleep

No you're not alone.

I'm mid 40's and can't sleep without the light on.

One of my friends apparently has the radio on all night. I am not sure if it is a fear of being alone (her partner stays over some times) or just to help her sleep? You could try that.

My answer to listening for sounds that aren't there is to put the radio on low. A sleep timer for half an hour usually does the trick. "Alexa play coffee shop sounds" also works for me, I have it set at a low volume because I don't want to listen to it, just for it to occupy my ears.

I've no concerns over people breaking in, I replaced all the door locks to the top rated ones and that cured me of that. My issue is worries caused by what I can hear so the solution is to hear less. (Widowed suddenly in my mid 50s, sometimes you have to adjust quickly)

One thing that doesn't help is having security lights down the drive and on the house. They often go on randomly when there's nothing there, but I feel compelled to peep through the curtains and it looks so eerie - we have a lot of trees. My rational mind KNOWS it's just a fox or a roaming cat, the the rest of my mind is worried.

I used to be terrified and wouldn't sleep at all when DH was away. I found keeping the tv on in the bedroom until I eventually drifted off helped, but still wasn't great.
Now... I love him being away ..! So I think it's a case of persevering until it becomes the norm

I'm on my own since my husband died. I hate sleeping in the house alone but I have no choice. I leave a light on all night in another room hoping that will deter any burglars.

I hate it too, especially after an attempted break in.

I have a house alarm and cctv covering the entire outside so I can check the cameras whenever I like on my phone. Haven’t managed to be here completely alone yet (I have young children) but there will be a day!

Gosh ... so many in the same boat....

Are you not utterly fed up of how it controls your evenings/nights when alone? I am - and I think this is my main motivation. I want to feel safe and confident and relaxed in my house when Im by myself.... as I do when DH or DC are around.

A comment upthread made me doubly realise how utterly illogical I am ... I have woken up in a burning house (age 15) and had to get my siblings out... my school burnt down (I wasn't in it) .... I have no fears about my house burning down, just sensibly made sure there's an easy exit in case we do have a fire.

SO I AM GOING TO CONQUER THIS FEAR and reclaim having a safe and peaceful and nurturing house whether I've company or am alone.

Last night went very well - I felt relaxed and peaceful and fell asleep before midnight and slept a solid 8 hours. I'm going to repeat the same steps tonight and if they work, I'll come on here and celebrate and then decide how to stretch it a little further tomorrow.

ps A huge thank you to all of you - posting on here has helped, especially yesterday when I was processing it all

Well done, OP. DH is away for a weekend next month and I'm going to try and be chilled about being home alone. Even when the dog wants her middle of the night toilet break!

i am the same
dh went away and i returned from dropping him off and a youth threw something at the door!
i do have a dog though,
just got to get through it

You know how rare break ins are? I bet you drive a car every day, that’s a significantly higher risk to your health and life.

This. I think you get used to being with someone but now I get my best night's sleep when I'm all alone in the house.

That’s no better , you get the knife out, the intruder who will be male will relieve you of it and worse case stab you.

Getting attacked by a werewolf is even rarer I imagine but that still doesn’t stop me freaking out when I have to take the dogs out in the dark!

The human mind can be an irrational beast. And watching horror movies in the eighties with my much older siblings when I was far too young hasn’t helped.

Okay .... it has worked!!!!... I have now slept 4 nights solo in my house feeling warm and secure and couldn't believe how relaxed I felt last night....I recognise it is early stages, and still fragile but IT IS WORKING. Rather looking forward to DH being away again to see how far I can take it.

This is what I did... both to celebrate with all of you, and in case there's anything helpful to anyone else...

Saturday (an hour or so): I recognised I was utterly fed up of feeling afraid in my own house, and how it took away so much from me. I decided to start exploring my fears.
I looked at what I was afraid of (violent men lurking in the dark) and what I wanted (to feel confident joyful and carefree when alone in the house). I asked myself how likely it was that there would be a violent man lurking in the shadows - never happened, I know no one to whom it has happened in their own home. I talked to myself about how absurd my belief was. I then thought about what I would do if it did actually happen and realised that I would probably cope very well - when I've had to deal with violent men in real life, I've been calm and powerful and managed to save myself. (Yes, I do realise I have been lucky.)

Sunday (a couple of hours): I started focussing more on what I did want , and imagined myself cavorting round my dark house feeling powerful and reclaiming it as my safe place. Although I didn't actually do this, just imagining it was very energising and made me feel powerful.
I posted on Mumsnet for advice and doing this helped me make what I wanted to happen feel more real. As well as giving me confidence I would actually do it.
I read up online, both what experts said and experiences of those who had conquered their fears - the most inspiring was a woman in her 20s who'd been a teacher in an old french abbey, alone there at night, terrified for weeks and then changed her mindset, and revelled in exploring it at night.

I chose the tactics that felt most appropriate to me:

1. taking small steps - doing it gradually (so I recognised that leaving lights on and doors closed the first 3 nights was a good idea - full darkness can come later)
2. Preparing while it was still light - so things were set up for me to be ready for darkness
3. doing just pleasurable things from around 8pm, and nothing confronting in any way so I'd be calm and ready for the night - comforting relaxing music, good food, gentle tidying up, favourite bubble bath, a friend to chat to on the phone for a bit
4. so I felt looked after, cared for, cherished
5. I did lots of imagining - knowing my big imagination had created the fears, it could create the joy and confidence too... so lots of fun imagining dancing around my house after dark reclaiming it
6. after my bath, I walked tall and confidently to my bedroom, welcoming the night and darkness around me
7. I realised how important to me it was to change my language from conquering fear to the more positive: embracing loving being solo in my own home and feeling powerful in it after dark. Focussing on this really helped
8. I paused quite often to just celebrate being where I was and feeling confident and happy about it...
9. In bed, I did relaxing things I enjoy and some lovely breathing /yoga like exercise tapes - and again celebrated being in my beautiful house

I went to sleep so calmly and easily the first night
The second night was fine but less good - I realised I'd done a couple of things that were less nurturing and spent less time celebrating being confident in the dark in my own home so felt a bit jangled, not afraid (so that was progress) but took longer to get to sleep as I was unsettled
The third night I learnt from this and repeated my first night approach, ensuring I only did "lovely" stuff
The fourth night surprised me - I felt so relaxed, as if I had never been afraid in the house... I pushed the limits a bit, going into the garden in the dark and then coming back into the house. I still left lights on, not so many but more than when others are home. And went to sleep happy and confident

So ... looking forward to next time when I'll explore turning more lights off and get to know my house in the dark... step by step literally!

Huge thanks fellow Mumsnetters for being there while I made my journey - I can't believe quite how easy it felt in the end, and how long I have been fearful in my own house, dreading being alone after dark, full of fear and dark imaginings

So pleased to read your progress. Long may it last. Enjoy!

My DM is the same age and has the same fears. I’m very fortunate to not have the same worries, feeling comfortable and safe at home while alone feels like a real indulgence to me.

Get yourself a children's bedside nightlight.

Work on your selftalk and breathing when you become alarmed.

At some point, you will be alone at night unless you die before your partner, so worth finding peace with it as best you can.

Thanks @GodspeedJune

I don't think you've read the threat @pearlsundersea ... do read my last post and you'll see I've sorted it without needing props like nightlights (though nice idea for those that do)

I overcame a phobia exactly like this by seeing a psychologist when my child was small. I was too scared to be home alone and would lie to friends pretending I’d locked myself out.. the psychologist asked me to imagine being on a beach and asked me how I felt. He then asked me to imagine being home alone and how I felt as I got myself worked up. He calmed me down again by taking me to the beach in my mind and afterwards, pointed out that I’d been nowhere in reality. My thoughts had terrified and calmed me. Was as simple as that..

try hypnotherapy though as we don’t get such quick treatment on the nhs nowadays.

Oh op! I think we’ve all got things that we struggle with. I am totally fine & relaxed at home alone. I feel safe, happy & content. Nothing sinister ever enters my mind.

Put in a position where my DD is being driven anywhere in a car by others & I’m a wreck. They will crash, I will see the ‘horror crash’ on the news etc. I just can’t rest.

Sorry I can’t be more helpful but even though I can’t relate to the home alone situation, I get what you’re saying.