How to split payments fairly?

[NCforthisdilemma]

Opinions please as not sure if I'm being fair.

DDad milestone birthday coming up, 3 siblings, DB plus DSis and I. In the past we have done meals out, shows and holidays. All siblings agreed to treat DDad to a holiday this time. DSis has now decided she would rather not come, no particular reason, just would rather stay home, and has asked to just pay an equal share of DDads costs. I feel cost of whole trip should be shared between all 3, because if none of us went DDad would get no holiday. So in effect, I'm asking DSis to subsidise our holiday costs for a holiday she is not going on (but that other siblings wouldn't choose to do if it wasn't for DDads birthday). Am I being unfair to expect DSis to split whole cost?

(No one is short of money, all earning)
UK based holiday, not huge costs, max around £800 total (edited to include rough cost)

Okay, now I've read your updates it sheds a different light on it.
It's booked, you're committed, now DS has dropped out. You split it three ways. Her changing her mind shouldn't cost you and DB money. If she'd been upfront about it you'd have booked a different holiday.

That’s the new cost based on £800 split by 3, but if DSis is wanting to pay £65, it’s based on the original 4 way split

OK for those trying to get heads around my sums.
Original cost £800 split by 3= £approx £267 each

Now DSis (who has dropped out) wants to contribute Approx £89 (third of DDads)

Db & I paying rest £355 each
All approximate

I think that given you would have booked something cheaper if she had said at the outset that she wasn't going to go, she should still pay a third.

If this was a hen do thread with someone dropping out after booking then that's what would be being said.

It's not fair to make it more expensive for you because she's being flakey.

Sounds fair. £89 per family towards your df birthday gift, your ds has no holiday so doesn't pay towards a holiday she's not going on, you and your dh pay for your own holiday, plus £89 for your df holiday .

I do think your sis should pay the higher amount now only 3 of you going. So £800/3 is approx £267 and a third of your dads cost is £90. If she offers more accept it as it would have been cheaper had she told you she wasn't going in the first place.

As I say I could see this happening with my sis so I will not arrange holidays with her now simply because she has no time for my mum and often backs out last minute. I hope you all enjoy the holiday.

You could offer to split this holiday between you and your DB, and your sister can pay for the holiday that she takes her dad on alone?

I get you OP. The present was time + money to be spent with/on your Dad, and now your Sister is just offering the money part, meaning that you and your Brother are contributing considerably more (time is a precious commodity) which seems unfair.

It would be different if your dad was great company and you were all clamouring to spend time with him, but that doesn't seem to be the case here.

I actually see OP’s point. I think if they all agreed that one sibling would take DF to a model train exhibit as a birthday treat, if all siblings wouldn’t want to go for themselves but would like DF to get the chance to go, then attending sibling would be taking one for the team and all siblings should pay for the pair of tickets.

oh i yes this

sorry if missed but has OP confirmed how she otherwise gets on with sister?

So what have you decided you’ll do OP? given your DB will just go with the flow, the ball is in your court re next step?

i wouldn’t want to risk tension around my dad’s milestone birthday no matter what

It would be easier all round of actually she wasn't involved at all.

Then it's a gift to your dad from you and brother, both of time and money. Sister shouldn't really get any credit here at all for her "gift".

I agree with the PP. I'd do it to be petty though, if you're having to pay an extra £100 anyway what's an extra £35 in the grand scheme of things to cover her share altogether. She can then sort her own present out.

Well yeah your sister shouldn't be paying for a holiday she's not going on!
Assuming she will be sorting out her own present for your Dad?

"yes its booked, apologies I thought that would be clear, because if not, I wouldn't be bothered tbh."

This makes a huge difference. If it's already booked and she agreed to it, then yes she should pay the same as you and DB.

I think life is too short to contemplate causing a family rift about this.

How does obsessing about it help anything?

Pretty much all threads on here where someone drops out of a group holiday after the booking is confirmed (and if no replacement can be found to join the group - which obviously can’t happen here either) conclude that the person dropping out needs to pay, as everyone paying agreed on a specific cost basis and they changed the rules last minute.

why are many posters seeing this differently?

I totally understand your viewpoint OP. The gift is the holiday with his kids. Not covering your dads share. You are facilitating it out of duty rather than pleasure and she should appreciate that and acknowledge that there’s no gift if you don’t go.

For my dad’s last milestone birthday me and my two siblings sent him to a sporting event. Dsis and I had no interest in going so we spilt the cost of two tickets and Dbro took him. That was the gift. Without DBro facilitating it would have been a crap present (going alone) so we were happy to subside his ticket. He covered his own travel.

I say either cancel and pick a different gift or make the trip from you and DBro and Dsis can find her own heartfelt present. She can’t take advantage of you making the effort without paying a fairer share or going too.

this

but if everyone adopted our approach in life…. mumsnet would be tumbleweed

I don’t think it was clear from initial posts that accommodation committed to and if you’d known at the time you may have been able to get cheaper accommodation. Given these facts, I think your sister should definitely still split the cost given she had yes when it was booked. Especially as this is all something you agreed to do and it is more about your father than your own choice of holiday so you are your brother are still ‘giving more’ as also giving your time (and there will be additional costs on the trip). Otherwise I’d probably be tempted to just split it entirely between you and your bro and tell her to sort her own present. Hope the trip ends being enjoyable for you both and your father.

If you booked accommodation based on her commitment to coming and she cancelled then of course she should split the costs of the whole accommodation, because her commitment to coming drove up the whole costs for everyone as you needed larger accommodation.

I would suggest she pays £90 for your Dad as a gift.

And you each chip in £60 for the holiday cost

she pays £200 as part of this is on her and you and DB pay £300 each - that way some of your costs are covered.

She’s down an extra £100
You and DB are down extra £100

Has she said why she isn’t coming? My response would vary with “visiting a sick friend” vs “just CBA to come now”

Your sister should pay her 1/3 as her late decision not to go (later as in after booking) should not cost you and dB money.