How to split payments fairly?

[NCforthisdilemma]

Opinions please as not sure if I'm being fair.

DDad milestone birthday coming up, 3 siblings, DB plus DSis and I. In the past we have done meals out, shows and holidays. All siblings agreed to treat DDad to a holiday this time. DSis has now decided she would rather not come, no particular reason, just would rather stay home, and has asked to just pay an equal share of DDads costs. I feel cost of whole trip should be shared between all 3, because if none of us went DDad would get no holiday. So in effect, I'm asking DSis to subsidise our holiday costs for a holiday she is not going on (but that other siblings wouldn't choose to do if it wasn't for DDads birthday). Am I being unfair to expect DSis to split whole cost?

(No one is short of money, all earning)
UK based holiday, not huge costs, max around £800 total (edited to include rough cost)

See I don't think your sister is right here. I'm presuming you've booked an accommodation for 4 people based on her coming. If this can't be cancelled and a smaller accommodation rebooked your sisters place is still having to be paid for. Can the accommodation be changed?

@mummyh2016 we got a good deal for the size, nothing smaller is cheaper.

What does your brother think about it?

i have asked 3x and no response

which id wager means he agrees with his sister and not the Op

If my siblings suggested this i'd tell the f off

If the agreed present is a holiday, the contribution from each child should be time as well as money. DSis has agreed to contribute financially but has opted out of going along and giving her time to her father along with her siblings. If DDad would prefer that all his children join him on holiday as the gift, DSis should go along. If DSis doesn’t want to go, she or all of you should choose a different present. I can see why someone would opt out of going on a holiday that they are not interested in, and offer to pay so their dad gets the treat, but it feels a bit cold. All go, or chose a different present IMO.

Do you know the family well, @Cornishclio ?

In plenty of families a holiday is not an enjoyable time, and what gets badged as 'opting out' by the more dutiful siblings can be more about saving oneself.

Your sister is right.

You all agreed to 'treat' your Dad on holiday, which I assume actually means 'pay' for Dad's holiday. You didn't agree to 'treat' each other. She's still paying for Dad's holiday she's just not paying for herself (since she won't be there).

'DDad is not the easiest' covers a wide spectrum!

Do you think your DSis should go out of duty? Once something is about duty it is not really a holiday, it can be galling to pay to do something you don't want. Would you opt out if you could? Or will you enjoy the holiday?

So your issue isn’t that your sister not going pushes your costs up?

Shes still going to pay the agreed share of your dad’s accomodation as agreed, I don’t understand your point, why should she cover your costs? (Unless as above, her not going pushes yours up?)

I'm with you OP. Who has actually paid for the accommodation, I'm guessing you?

It's like agreeing to go to a concert with a friend and them agreeing to pay you back for their own ticket if you buy them. Then they change their mind and refuse to pay for their ticket, as you they won't be using it. They offer to give you money to buy a snack at the venue, to make up for it.

OP has already more or less said that the holiday is for her DFs benefit, not hers.
Not sure why people have a beef with that. They are doing a nice thing for their elderly DF, people do this sort of thing all the time.

@qwertyqwertyqwertyqwerty I wouldn't opt out, I would rather not go (not a drip feed) I said in OP DB and I would not choose this holiday unless it was for DDad.

And apologies if ignoring, DB is unsure which way is fair and will go with the flow.
I re-iterate, I haven't said any of this to DSis, I'm trying to understand her point of view, which some of you, who agree with her, are helping with, I do appreciate opinions, which is why I posted.

Go enjoy the holiday with your dad, and enjoy it. He won't be around forever. If your sister pays for his third, that's fair enough. Your dad will be especially appreciative of YOU and your time spent with him. That time is precious x

@BoundaryGirl3939

DSis is paying for a third of his, not his third.

Can you clarify, was the cost agreed up front between you, your sister and brother plus covering your dads costs.

Is your issue that now, rather than dividing by three + your dads costs, you’re effectively splitting by two + your dads costs? If it’s this situation I can see your point, if you no longer need a place for so many people but you’re left picking up the cost of her place.

Dad's cost yes but bizarre sister paying for a holiday she isn't going on

But if the cost was agreed up front then it’s pushing up the overall accommodation costs between two not three, the sister should’ve spoken up before the accommodation was confirmed.

Psychologically speaking, we get particulalry angry when other people do things we feel we 'can't'.

If your DSis had not said she would go, you would have paid the same (as you said you can't find a smaller place for less money). So logically if you and your DB would have gone without your DSis you are no worse off financially.

The feeling I get from this thread is that you want to settle something emotional with your DSis about her dropping out - the money is a red herring. What are you trying to communicate to your sister by making her pay her share?

To be honest I think I can see why OP is miffed off in her situation.

I personally would enjoy the time with my dad but presumably here this holiday is seen more as duty, rather than pleasure so the cost for each sibling would have been, share of dad's accommodation plus share of own accommodation plus time.
Now sister wants to give only one of those things, consequently increasing the effort of other 2 siblings.

It's a sad situation to be honest, and if I were you op, then I'd suggest to everyone that you change plans.

Yes @Changingplace, apologies, I thought that was clear.
We all go, cost divided by 3, one drops out, now divided by 2, no smaller accommodation available.

I was being slow! Get you, and agree with you now I understand, your sister should’ve explained she didn’t want to go before the accommodation was confirmed.

Yes this describes it perfectly!

op hasn’t confirmed whether accom was actually booked or not

@qwertyqwertyqwertyqwerty if we didn't decide to all go, we wouldn't have booked the larger place, the issue is there's nothing smaller available "now".

But, yes you are probably right, I'm annoyed she's not giving any time to DDad and by opting out, I feel it shows lack of care.