How to respond to comments about toddler DD's appearance?

[chronicnamechanger2]

This isn't meant to be a humblebrag or a wind-up. My toddler daughter is very beautiful. People go out of their way to comment on her beauty. DH is attractive, I am average or less than average attractiveness, so perhaps this is especially odd to me. (In fact, I posted here when I was pregnant with her, worried that she would be as ugly as I am!)

I don't know how to respond when people tell me how beautiful she is. I find it a bit rude and honestly a bit creepy. Last week for example, I went to collect her from nursery, and a new caretaker was there. She came over to me just to tell me that "[DD] is so beautiful, she's really a beautiful child!"

I find it a bit upsetting because she's a girl and I'd like her to be acknowledged for her other traits (she's curious and loves music and has excellent fine motor skills for a 20 month old!) and am wary of putting so much weight on her appearance. Also, we were in a shopping centre recently and an elderly man came over to her and said, "Look at her, I'd love to just hold her, what a beauty" and walked over with open arms as if he were going to scoop her up! Or another man in a DIY shop kept coming over and saying he "couldn't stop looking in her beautiful eyes."

I have an older child in preschool who is also adorable and great looking but doesn't get the same attention that DD does. I mention this because I am aware what sorts of compliments people give to babies generally, but with toddler DD, it is quite over the top. Also, I feel bad that toddler gets all of this attention and it must feel like older DC is left out?

Smile, say thank you and either change the subject or walk away. Then concentrate on making sure both your children know their worth as individuals beyond their looks.

You can say something more direct/challenging if you like but it won’t change people saying it in the first place so that to me feels like unnecessary confrontation towards people who are only saying something nice, even if it winds you up.

I had this with my dd who is now 13 due to her unique corkscrew curls and people would actually touch her hair/head without asking. In the beginning I thought it was sweet but then it got annoying and dd hated it.

I ended up just smiling and saying thank you and asking people not to touch it if they tried. Dd still gets this now and she’s happy to tell people how much she loves her hair/her haircare routine etc but absolutely despises anyone ( including me! ) touching her head.

it takes a while to come up with ways to deal with the attention and on the whole it comes from a genuine place but with your DD’s being about her beauty then clear boundaries need to be put in place.

Take it as a compliment, smile and say thank you. I remember as a child my mum was really awkward around me receiving praise from strangers. Like, 'ooh, isn't she clever' she'd respond with 'no she's not'. Right in front of me!?

it's slightly confusing as you say you posted worried she'd be ugly , now she is not, you want her to be acknowledged for other traits?

just say thank you and move on. Unless they touch her which is unacceptable imo, then they are just being friendly and complimentary.

Oh @BobbyBiscuits thats not on at all! I’ll try for the more abrupt thank you replies and hope to move things along.

is it any use to say “thank you and she’s quite clever too,” or is that a bid odd and confrontational (or even asking for more interaction/drawing attention away from older DC)?

“is it any use to say “thank you and she’s quite clever too,” or is that a bid odd and confrontational (or even asking for more interaction/drawing attention away from older DC)?”

You’re just opening yourself up to a conversation there which it sounds like you don’t want. I’m sure it’s happened to most mums and dads their children be complimented or told are cute etc it’s not a unique situation, Can you not just say thank you and move on?

@chronicnamechanger2 I think that would embarrass the other person unnecessarily. They obviously don't think she's thick just bc she's pretty!

Short of putting a bag over her head I'm not sure what the answer is. The problem these days is that many, if not most, people are fixated with appearance and I suspect that a stunning toddler is likely to garner even more attention.

Total strangers aren't going to be aware of your daughter's other attributes.

If your position (which I haven't been) I'd aim to style her more gender-neutral, as I don't believe people react the same way to boys. If there's ambiguity I expect you'll get fewer reactions.

I have similar with my son, he has bright white ish hair too and I've learnt to respond with something like yes and he's a very fast runner too.

Takes the emphasis of looks!

I think that people will always find something to comment on when it comes to children. Just say thank you and move on. There is no need for pointing out her excellent fine motor skills. Her sense of worth will not come from a few random comments from strangers- you and your DH will help to instill that in her.

Or if you want to make them uncomfortable you can say "thanks she gets it from me" and watch their reaction.

I actually feel for you here.

I have a friend who has three children, one of the children happens to have a very rare genetic occurrence.
My friend is black (h/c) and her husband is Scandinavian, their young daughter has half dark skin, dark curly hair like mum, but bright blue eyes like her dad.

Every time we meet up people comment on the bright blue eyes of this child and how beautiful she is. I mean, it's true, the child is stunning. Really strikingly beautiful. But to hear it all day long is such a problem!

All you can do is your best to encourage your daughter to recognise traits outside of her beauty, at home. People are going to comment!

I mean this kindly but I think you’re worrying about a non-existent problem here and maybe because you have a hang up about looks yourself (based on your worries about her being ugly).

People say this sort of stuff. It doesn’t mean much, just exchanging pleasantries. Just say thank you and respond with something nice in return.

Definitely don’t deny the compliment or say “and she’s clever too” which will sound either braggy or aggressive. (Praising kids for being clever comes with its own issues and is probably best avoided, fwiw.)

We really need a culture shift where people are valued for their inner beauty but that is so far removed from people’s inbuilt unconscious bias it’s never going to happen. Although when people point out how beautiful my dd is I always say “her inner beauty is also amazing - she’s so kind and just lovely to be around.” To make the point that there is more to someone than just the outer presentation!

Smile and say thanks ! To say anything else is making more of it than it is.

A lot of babies and toddlers are beautiful and some ppl do like to comment on it. Your dd is unlikely to be uber unique in that respect.

People always tell me my ds is a very good looking child. I just thank them and move along. What else is there to do really?

Total non problem.

Smile and say thank you.

Happens to DD, she’s 8.

She’s also very shy and dislikes men unless they are known to her well (her dad, grandad etc). I know what you mean OP, we’ve had people walk up to us and comment, stroke her cheek or touch her hair which she bloody hates.

It’s both men and women. I just smile and walk away if I can, you can’t stop people from doing it really, it would just attract even more attention but I agree it can be overwhelming at times.It’s ok if you can walk away- but it’s not always possible, say if you are having a meal for example. I’ve had my hair touched and been commented on too, so it doesn’t magically stop when you exit childhood.

Just say thanks and smile indulgently

You’re over thinking it. She’s a toddler and won’t pay any attention to it, or remember it, as long as you just say ‘thanks’ and move on. She will take her cue from you, and if it’s a treated as a non-event that’s how she’ll take it.

Ds has great hair. When he was a toddler, random strangers couldn’t keep their hands to themselves. He got ruffled all the time. He’s 12 now and I don’t think he remembers it at all - and me and dh are the only ones who still ruffle his hair!

I get compliments from people about my toddler's curly hair pretty much every time we go out. I'd personally never dream of commenting on anyone's appearance but it seems other people do so I just smile and say thank you, afterall they probably don't realise how often other people comment. I think they are just trying to be kind.

Nearly all parents think their babies and toddlers are beautiful, luckily though most grow up to be average looking and the compliments will stop.

Enjoy it while you can. Her face will grow and change and a pretty child is no guarantee it continues into adulthood and vice versa. I wonder if you'll be happier if that happens?

You seem to have a chip on your shoulder about what you and your family look like. Every parent of a toddler gets those comments. I just smile and say she's a great girl.

My daughter was and is very attractive, with her golden curls and beautiful eyes attracting attention. I just smiled and said thank you. No need to tie myself up in knots. They think she is pretty, not thick.