How to respond to comments about toddler DD's appearance?

[chronicnamechanger2]

This isn't meant to be a humblebrag or a wind-up. My toddler daughter is very beautiful. People go out of their way to comment on her beauty. DH is attractive, I am average or less than average attractiveness, so perhaps this is especially odd to me. (In fact, I posted here when I was pregnant with her, worried that she would be as ugly as I am!)

I don't know how to respond when people tell me how beautiful she is. I find it a bit rude and honestly a bit creepy. Last week for example, I went to collect her from nursery, and a new caretaker was there. She came over to me just to tell me that "[DD] is so beautiful, she's really a beautiful child!"

I find it a bit upsetting because she's a girl and I'd like her to be acknowledged for her other traits (she's curious and loves music and has excellent fine motor skills for a 20 month old!) and am wary of putting so much weight on her appearance. Also, we were in a shopping centre recently and an elderly man came over to her and said, "Look at her, I'd love to just hold her, what a beauty" and walked over with open arms as if he were going to scoop her up! Or another man in a DIY shop kept coming over and saying he "couldn't stop looking in her beautiful eyes."

I have an older child in preschool who is also adorable and great looking but doesn't get the same attention that DD does. I mention this because I am aware what sorts of compliments people give to babies generally, but with toddler DD, it is quite over the top. Also, I feel bad that toddler gets all of this attention and it must feel like older DC is left out?

What is going to have the by far greatest impact for her and your other DC is how much or how little you emphasize the importance of looks as parents.
When it happens just say a quick "thank you" and move on. It could actually be harmful to your DD if she perceives you reacting negatively in these situations.
It may be difficult for your other DC if they don't receive as much attention but it will just be one of the ways they will learn that life isn't fair.
I suspect that there will be a particular couple of years in which she's so noticeably adorable to strangers and then it'll calm down a bit.

This.

She isn’t going to be acknowledged by strangers for her other traits. They don’t know her. They are just making a throwaway comment that they won’t in a million years realise is causing you all this angst.

I think that's a weird response. If someone said she was clever would you say 'she's also rather beautiful'?

Just accept it as a genuine response to something admirable about your daughter; random strangers in the street aren't denigrating her other traits as they don't know her.

I don't think they're being rude. I can see it feels awkward if the other child is there.

Honestly this is your hang up. My eldest DD always had this too and it is an enormous advantage for her going forward. You would have to be in complete denial not to recognise the competitive advantage beautiful women have in life. DD is also incredibly smart and is at a top Uni but she s ND so that causes her difficulties, things balance out. We all have good stuff and bad stuff. Stop being so negative about your DDs beauty.

The three examples you've given are of men who clearly feel entitled to comment on the appearance of females who are strangers to them. I'd think it was creepy too and i really don't think you need to thank them - maybe ignore?

I would love you to engage them in conversation about DD's excellent fine motor skills 😁

Why ignore though, just because it's a male complimenting a female?

If he said 'she's good at maths' you wouldn't ignore, you'd say 'yes she is, thanks'. So you'd be devaluing her looks over other characteristics.

No need to make this your hang up.

We have the same with our eldest. Mainly because of her eye colour, they are that really noticeable, bright blue. She's 3 now and we've taught her if someone says she's beautiful to say thank you and then say I'm also funny and clever and brave. She says it with a huge grin on her face so she gets away with it. If I said it on her behalf I'd sound quite mad.

Jesus. If someone says 'you're funny' do you make her say 'and I'm beautiful'?

Bet not. You're all massively massively overthinking.

If her older sister is present for toddler compliments, say " thank you, she takes after her big sister"

Literally this. What is the problem? Every toddler gets called beautiful, cute, lovely hair.

Imagine calling people creepy for being nice to you and your kid. And then bothered enough to post here. Honestly, op.

Oh get over yourself. My daughter is complimented on and I just smile and say thank you.

You’re making her sound conceited. Not nice.

this

it doesn't just happen with girls, my son has been told this from birth, there was a phase where I was told every single day that he was beautiful.

He is mixed ethnicity and very smiley so he has a happy face.

I think all you can do is just smile and say thank you, when she starts to understand, just make sure you are balancing it with compliments about her brain her heart, her sense of humour etc

Smile and move on. I had this with my (now teenage) dd and it's just something nice to say.

It isn't hard. Just say thanks. I've told my friends before that their daughters are really pretty. It's just a compliment. There is nothing sinister going on about intellect. I think the issue stems from your own issues tbh.

Just say thanks and move on! Dd got a lot of attention as a child cos of her hair - strangers would touch it in shops.
DS got attention as a toddler cos he was very cute - now he’s a hairy manchild (still handsome though).
You never know what children will end up looking like so enjoy the compliments (I would draw the line at unwanted touching though).
It’s nice to have an attractive child but it’s pretty meaningless really -good health is much more important.

I would say 'yes she's beautiful inside and out! Thank you!' mainly for DD's benefit as she will start understanding soon.

Just a "thank you, that's kind of you to say" will suffice.

But anecdotally, I've seen a couple of times now, friends and work colleagues who had stunning babies/toddlers, had those children grow up to be very, very average!
One colleague in particularly, had a BEAUTIFUL baby. Like seriously THE most pretty child I'd ever seen. To this day, a good 15 years on, I've still not seen prettier.
Baby was gorgeous until about age 18 months, average until about 3, and then by the time she was 5, she was the spitting image of her mum. And her mum, god love her, was a lovely, lovely lady, but not a looker.

They're trying to be kind :) I get it can be awkward - but it's a superficial meeting with a stranger, therefore they are commenting on the superficial. They don't know her to know if she's clever, has a contagious laugh, has a great sense of humour. In that short moment they're noticing that she has a striking/beautiful look and complimenting based on that.

As with when you get older in life you may be told you're beautiful, but those who know you properly recognise the more important traits

Well surely these strangers are commenting on her looks because it's the only thing they know about her? It doesn't mean that her looks are always going to be focused on, I'm sure there's plenty of people that know her that discuss her personality/traits in a positive light too?

I would find some of the comments a bit strange but just say thank you and move along. I don't really see the big deal imo.

Onnawave - I don’t think that sounds like a good thing to say at all!! Other kids will not like that!What kind of lunatic goes round telling people how great they are! How old will she be when you tell her to stop?

I don't comment sadly because of nowadays, however, it would not cross my mind that the Mum might be offended when something nice is being said about her kid.
Saying they have in my country of origin (central Europe):
If you wanna tame a lioness, praise her cubs!
😂

On The contrary @AlpineMuesli my 6 year old son is stopped quote frequently. He’s often referred to as “heartbreaker” or similar. He is very striking. I think girls do get more attention than boys, but it’s been the opposite for me