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Original poster

Son whatsapp chat.

95 replies

Nohopeforme91 · 25/05/2024 08:11

My son is 10 and has a WhatsApp class chat. I tend to check it every few nights or so and everything has been fine. They talk about weekend plans, class trips etc. I went through it last night and felt sick to my stomach where he had been posting in the group chat stuff of sexual content..mostly aimed at this one girl. I am horrified. I'm not sure the mum knows yet so I'm not sure whether to message her apologising. I'm pretty sure the school is going to get involved as well? I have no idea where he has picked up this language. He's generally well behaved bar the occasional strop and has a good social life and active. I don't know jow to navigate this at all. Can anyone advice please.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nohopeforme91 · 25/05/2024 09:01

frozendaisy · 25/05/2024 08:57

It's going to depend how concerning the messages were.

Would you go to the school if they were aimed at your 10 year old?

I'm not sure what school can do if parents allow their 10 year olds to have WhatsApp unless it's a safeguarding issue. So I assume the girl's parents will request your son is kept away from their daughter, and if the messages are concerning enough social services might be called because they will have concerns what your son is being exposed to.

As for your son, you need to talk to him about where these thoughts came from, what has he heard, seen and where, from whom. That once messages are sent they can be made public nothing is private in the end, just because you have deleted the messages doesn't mean they aren't already screenshotted by someone else, that, depending on the severity, the police can turn up and demand his phone, laptop, as a safeguarding issue for him as much as anyone.

But there is always leeway in these things, if it was "I want to stick my tongue down your throat" that's one thing v "I want to fuck you from behind". There's a big difference.

Exposure to adult conversation happened quite quickly to ours in secondary, so around 12. We handle it (because they are still in that environment) by brutal honesty with them, e.g. "if a picture of your knob ends up being sent then it's effectively child pornography and you will have to hand over your phone and mum and dad will be questioned" with "and really sweetheart who wants to see a picture of your knob anyway think about it please"

We can make them laugh whilst talking about this stuff and usually "giggle and go oh no and then what happened" when they tell us incidents. Before we react.

Basically keep lines of communication open. He's messed up, he's 10, it's not the end of the world. But you need to get him to talk to you as well as punishments.

Thank you this is really helpful.

OP posts:
PennyPugwash · 25/05/2024 09:06

@frozendaisy you cannot if they have already been viewed from the other side.
If they haven't you can.

It will give you the option the "delete for all" but honestly, only those that haven't viewed it will have it removed.

Myself and my friends experimented with this a few weeks back

TheSnowyOwl · 25/05/2024 09:12

Hindsight is a wonderful thing but regretting letting him have a phone isn’t where your energy needs to be now. I know 10 is too young but I also appreciate that most of his class probably do have smartphones and chat with each other so you don’t want him to be left out.

I agree with frozendaisy about the type of conversations you need to have but also turn it around so he can understand how he would feel if it was being said about him.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

10 year olds
WarriorN · 25/05/2024 09:17

I would take the lead on this and contact the girl's mother to explain what has happened and what you have done, apologising on behalf of your boy.

I would speak to the school as you don't know if this (your son claims another boy told him to put it in the chat) is part of a larger picture of issues either across the school or with the other child, if indeed it was the case.

I'd also contact the parents of that child and tell them what's happened and what you're doing

It may also be worth mentioning to the school that some areas of the country are agreeing to hold off phones till 14.

https://www.theguardian.com/technology/article/2024/may/22/st-albans-headteachers-call-for-under-14s-smartphone-ban?CMP=ShareiOSAppp_Other

Consider joining this:

smartphonefreechildhood.co.uk

When they're gaming (if that continues) it must be in your presence and not on headphones so you can hear what's being said. You need to be able to hear what's being said. If typed, occasionally check and also perhaps find a way to find out what has been typed.

It's a massive issue and you're doing the right things.

A massive WhatsApp group (500) locally that spread via schools and children saw 3 children in hospital through suicide dares before Easter in the north east and numerous sharing of sexually explicit content.

frozendaisy · 25/05/2024 09:18

PennyPugwash · 25/05/2024 09:06

@frozendaisy you cannot if they have already been viewed from the other side.
If they haven't you can.

It will give you the option the "delete for all" but honestly, only those that haven't viewed it will have it removed.

Myself and my friends experimented with this a few weeks back

Arh ok thanks for clarification

I hadn't noticed that subtle detail. Really delete for all is only for unread? Not that any of my messages need deleting because they aren't that interesting. I probably should have asked the teenagers they seem to know everything about apps!

Alwaystired23 · 25/05/2024 09:20

wheresthebigcarrot · 25/05/2024 08:24

Does he have a mobile phone? You take that away, for a start. He can only
Use the internet for school work with your supervision. The internet is where he has accessed this stuff. Or his friends have. 10 year olds have absolutely no reason for mobile phones or WhatsApp.

I agree. My 12 year old has has WhatsApp now (Y7), which I regret. Truthfully, He really isn't mature enough for it. I gave in because I thought I was "babying" him, by not allowing it. We've had some real open and Frank conversations with him lately, and I check his phone every night now. He recently had a horrible post shared online about him (over snap chat). He does not have snap chat/Facebook etc only WhatsApp. We've tried to keep him safe, and I wish other parents would do the same. Now, there is a photo of my 12 year shared over platforms online, with a photo of him, his name, school, and class, accusing him of something. It's disgusting. I don't think any child should have social media, to be honest. They are not mature enough to use it safely or kindly. When he was in year 6, there was so much drama over the class WhatsApp group that he was never involved in as he didn't have it. My 10 year old doesn't have a phone. There's no need.

WarriorN · 25/05/2024 09:20

In addition to this, if he retains the smart phone, I believe there's a way on iPhones whereby you can see all their messages, either WhatsApp or any other form of messaging.

We are doing the Nokia brick thing amongst our son's local group of friends for as long as possible. Hopefully 14 at least. He's currently nearly y6.

WarriorN · 25/05/2024 09:22

Please do tell the school. They teach online safety and need to be aware of any online harms

Mrsjayy · 25/05/2024 09:22

Nohopeforme91 · 25/05/2024 08:50

I'm aware I've made a huge mistake in letting him have WhatsApp. The class chat seemed innocent enough and he had family members on there. I've learned my lesson and my other son won't be having a phone.

He isn't the only 1 with a phone you are not the first parent to think their dc would be "fine" on the Internet.

CountFucula · 25/05/2024 09:23

You have to stay super strong in not letting them have stuff - be the parent that says no. They’ll say they are missing out on stuff but you are protecting him by saying no.

CountFucula · 25/05/2024 09:24

Also it’s just a mistake and all ten year old make them - unfortunate it’s in writing that’s all.

ALovelyCupOfNameChange · 25/05/2024 09:26

The issue is being the gate keeper of friendships by not allowing what’s app.
if you refuse it they are excluded at school in chat
if more parents refused it there wouldn’t be the pressure

PennyPugwash · 25/05/2024 09:26

@frozendaisy yip....
Our group had some questions over it so we put it to the test.
It's good to know especially in this case where OP may think they're gone from all of the class phone, but unfortunately not.

OP, as this is the case, you absolutely have to reach out to the girls mum. Even if the txts have been deleted from her phone, you can bet someone will have screenshot them.

Sorry this is happening.
Very stressful situation

WarriorN · 25/05/2024 09:27

It was discussed on woman's hour this week.

"I'm not taking away from you I'm giving you more to your child hood" was a good phrase.

www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m001zdw2?partner=uk.co.bbc&origin=share-mobile

FlyingHorses · 25/05/2024 11:30

It’s clear from your updates that you are now fully aware that no 10 year old “needs” a smartphone, but I also think you need to inform the school that there is a “class WhatsApp” involving children. They can then send a message out in newsletter etc reminding parents that WhatsApp is an age restricted app and that they need to delete it immediately if found on their child’s device. I’m a huge fan of Smart Phone Free Childhood (website has some good resources). My DC do not have any tablets/phones because they don’t need them. I don’t care if everyone else does, I’m the parent of my DC and I’d rather they have a go at me for making them a tech-free outlier than involved in the traumatic and vile world of kids/teen social media and internet. They can thank me when they’re adult!

Original poster
Nohopeforme91 · 25/05/2024 13:12

Thanks everyone for the replies. I'm still so angry.. more at myself I think as all this could have been avoided. I've messaged the mum apologising but she hasn't opened it yet. Me and his dad are going to speak to the school together after the half term is over.

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 25/05/2024 13:23

I think I'd now view it as a big gift, you can now remove the phone etc from him with this as the reason and reset things a little. If his friends have seen the message it sends quite a strong message of "fuck around and find out", make sure his friends parents have your number so meet ups can still be arranged and if they have only given their children a phone as everyone else had one might let them review the pho e usage too.

Now you've sent a message to the girls mum ( that must have been hard to do) I'd send one to his closer friends parents " Samuel has had his phone removed as he is too immature for it, if the boys want to meet up at the weekend/ holiday please let me know so we can arrange it"

whiteboardking · 25/05/2024 17:07

Is he Yr5 or Yr6? Big difference.
Kids hear all sorts so I also do wonder why he thought it appropriate and if he knows what it all meant.
OP what has he said? Kids do stupid stuff. He won't be the last

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 25/05/2024 17:13

This is one of the reason why WhatsApp is over 16. It’s not like text messaging and has access to inappropriate memes and video content.

Original poster
Nohopeforme91 · 25/05/2024 18:14

He's in y6. I just want to thank everyone for the replies. I've got a lot to think about. His phone had been taken away and his ps5. The mum of the daughter hasn't opened the message or replied yet. I think she's away at the moment. I've had an open conversation about why what he said was inappropriate and we did talk about the dangers of social media and why I feel he isn't ready for it. We also has a brief talk about consent and unwanted comments and attention. I'm not sure yet when I will be allowing him back on his PlayStation.

OP posts:
lovelysoap · 25/05/2024 18:31

whatsapp is 13 and soon to be 16 for good reason. He is far too young and this is why UK children are the most sexualised in Europe online because we are so lax at protecting children from harmful content online.

He is far to young to have open access to group whatsapp or similar. He is 10 and vulnerable and needs to be protected not set up to fail.

littlewhiteclouds82 · 25/05/2024 18:38

My first thought is what the fuck are ten year olds doing having a class what's app group? This is insanity! Just listened to an interesting clip from a top pschyologist giving these top tips to parents on how to deal with smart phones

  1. No smart phones until 14 years of age. Normal flip phones if needed.
  2. No social media until 16 years of age.
  3. No phones in school.
  4. Instead give your children more independence in the real world - with free play that doesn't revolve around tablets and smart phones!

I have a three year old, so I dread her getting older and having to deal with this crap!

Parents play a massive part in sorting this shit storm that is social media/phones/access to the internet at such young ages!

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 25/05/2024 18:41

I did something thoughtless and stupid as a child around 10 and caused damage to property. I was marched around to the neighbour to apologise. It was mortifying and they were angry and not gracious. I've never forgotten it.

The problem with any form of electronic communication is the ability to send now and think later. Adults are just as bad, internet abuse is horrific these days. A written or verbal apology to this child is in order.

Rainydayinlondon · 25/05/2024 18:55

littlewhiteclouds82 · 25/05/2024 18:38

My first thought is what the fuck are ten year olds doing having a class what's app group? This is insanity! Just listened to an interesting clip from a top pschyologist giving these top tips to parents on how to deal with smart phones

  1. No smart phones until 14 years of age. Normal flip phones if needed.
  2. No social media until 16 years of age.
  3. No phones in school.
  4. Instead give your children more independence in the real world - with free play that doesn't revolve around tablets and smart phones!

I have a three year old, so I dread her getting older and having to deal with this crap!

Parents play a massive part in sorting this shit storm that is social media/phones/access to the internet at such young ages!

I agree with your sentiments but it is easier said than done if you have a secondary school pre teen who wants to “fit in”.

Rainydayze · 25/05/2024 19:02

Similar happened with DS’s year 6. However he was the target of it. We went forward with a rule of WhatsApp being monitored daily by us, his settings changed so no one can add him to a group, and a rule that outside of family chats it’s 1-1 chats/calls only. It’s worked for us. We said an absolute no to Snapchat. By secondary age kids had worked out that not having message history meant no comeback from parents.