Husband's Days Off

[YouG0GlenCoco]

I guess this is a bit of an AIBU but I didn't want to post there and get ripped to shreds! So please be gentle with me if you think I am in the wrong!

Dh works full time, hybrid remote. Company are starting up 9 day fortnights so he now gets one midweek day off every two weeks. I do not work currently, I did work part time but two of our children are disabled and managing their needs (lots of days off, morning school drop offs are an emotionally draining hour long event, being sent home early, meetings, appointments, not sleeping through the night etc etc) just led me to not be able to balance work and home and I was completely burnt out.

Dh is using his midweek days off to play golf and basically anything else he fancies. The day off happens to fall on a day I am most frazzled as I take dd to a weekly physiotherapy session which involves picking her up midmorning, an hour round trip and then dropping her back at school for the last 45-60 mins. So perhaps that is clouding my judgement! But this morning he was complaining that the garage doesn't do MOTs on a Saturday. I suggested he book it for his next day off and he said "but that's my day for me. I don't want to be taking my car for an MOT on that day" I replied "oh yes, it's nice to have a day for yourself isn't it" (passive aggressive I know 😬) he got the hump a bit then because he says he works hard for that day (an extra 30 mins at start and end of each working day) but he can't see that I don't ever get a day off from being the one who does EVERYTHING for the children. I asked him on one of the days off to pick them up in the afternoon but he just said he didn't want to!

I think it's less about begrudging him a day off to do what he likes and more about feeling unappreciated and resentful that I don't get the same. I'm unsure if I'm just being a brat though because I don't work. Or, I don't have PAID work I should say. When I did work part time my day off was for food shopping, life admin and cleaning 🙃

He is taking the piss. does he do anything in the house?

That's ridiculous, of course he should be doing chores on his day off. You need to insist and put up with the sulking.

Wtf. Just no.

I would start claiming Saturday as your day off to take up golf or whatever hobby you like. Or spend it down the pub?!

You need to arrange to go out with friends one evening and tell him he's in charge, or tell him in two weeks time on such a date, you're going into town for some 'me' time', exercise class or walk with a friend, whatever it is you'd like to do.

There is only one fair way here that absolutely cannot be argued with.... the disposable leisure hours available to you both, are split 50/50 down the middle. If that's 4 hours, that's 2 hours each.

If he does an extra half hour a day at work, then by default, you also do an extra half hour a day of work as he is home half an hour later to share the parenting.

Wow. He is a wrong’un. That’s just all there is to it. At heart, he a selfish man and the wrong choice for a family man.

Maybe try couples therapy but really… they don’t change. You just have to decide what you’re going to do.

oh i’d let this go

and why on earth are you dropping her back at school?

have you even suggested you get some days to yourself?

100% this.

“I asked him on one of the days off to pick them up in the afternoon but he just said he didn't want to!”

What did you say to that?! Did he want kids? I’m guessing you don’t “want” to spend every waking hour shouldering the responsibility of the kids but you do it.

he sounds like a selfish arse who is totally checked out of being a parent.

Take up golf and tell him that as neither of you are now working on every other Wednesday you will be out all day once a month.

my female counsellor, when I knew my marriage was not sustainable, described
this phenomen as ‘being on parallel lines’ having to go forward, but not together

@Theredoubtableskins says it, a recomstruction of your ‘family’ life is in order

btw the counsellor, an advocate for happy marriage, much older than me and heard it all, said the same as @Theredoubtableskins , he won’t change now (40) that he was always like this (removed) but that I had chosen not to notice.
Life does improve as your children age, really, it does, good luck for now.

What an absolute knob. Honestly OP you do not need to put up with this crap. Ask him when your day off is and be serious about this. Looking after children, particularly those with additional needs, is a full time job. I’m so annoyed on your behalf. Please don’t let this slide.

and moving the physiotherapy session to a better, more convenient, less stress inducing time, confusing for your daughter, teacher, disruptive for the class,
more peteol guzzling miles, not good

Well, she can ask him. But he won’t care. He literally won’t care. He doesn’t care about her now, he won’t care about her after a talk.

This. The two of you need to sit down and do a time budgeting exercise. In sure some other posters can point you to appropriate resources to help with this, or start with simply pencil and paper.

So he doesn’t do any of the school drops offs, any of the school pick ups, take them to appointments, or get up in the night with them? What does he actually do to parent his children?

Hes being completely unreasonable in refusing to help you, and whining about taking his car for an MOT on his precious little day off is absolutely pathetic.

Does he parent at the weekends, or is it all left to you?

I've just spotted, belatedly, the worrying, but also far too standard on mumsnet, words in the op, which signal that the op has been downtrodden so much that they've lost sight of healthy.
'Please go gentle if you think I'm wrong.'
So, gently, HOW can you, both of you, possibly think he is entitled to leisure time but you are not?

I would honestly leave him, what exactly is he bringing to your life?! He does nothing to maintain his home, he doesn't parent his children and clearly does not respect or care for his wife. Get rid OP, lets face it life won't get any harder will it as you already do everything but when they go to him for dad's weekends you will get a blissful break.

I didn't need to do this as H wasn't like this when the kids were younger, they still need ferrying around and he still does what he can.

H dropped them to school almost every morning (primary) and on the rare weekdays off, or just around, or in am emergency, he would pick them up.

I was a SAH and asked him why didn't say I needed to do the school run in the morning, he could of reasonable request or on his odd days off why did he come or do afternoon pick ups i suggested on a number of occasions to go do something.

But he said, he is their dad, he wanted them to know that he thought school was important and dropping them off was all he could do. He loved hearing about their day as soon as they came out, the good and the bad, that he knew they wouldn't be so happy to just see him for long, they grow up and he got extra kudos because it's cooler to have a dad at the school gates rather than usual boring mum.

So ask him OP where he rates being a dad, obviously under golf. Explain to him that he should be wanting to do these things for his children it's not about giving you "time off", it's not a battle on who can have the most time at leisure. It's about being a dad first and foremost. And yes boo hoo longer hours, H worked most days right up to bedtime, 8pm was usual return home he was gutted if he missed them before they went to sleep but it did happen so he got woken earlier because dad still needed to hear all the news. And working late, getting woken early, juggling a hectic job and nativity plays, parents chat, illness, never once, not once did he snap at the kids, try to avoid them, tell them he was too tired (occasionally he had to tell them he was too busy with work).

And this bond, love, relationship they and him still have had grown from there, it helps me reminding them about homework they know dad would say the same. It helps everything.

So talk to him OP. Tell him, calmly, you are not impressed at his seemingly dodging of parental involvement. It's the kids who gain most from his involvement, then him, then you, in that order.

But you need to do it calmly, not accusingly, almost questioning why he makes those decisions. See what he says and then take it from there.

I'm guessing golf at the weekend too? Or other hobby that means he leaves it all to you again? Evenings when he gets home on his phone all night?

He clearly thinks that parenting is nothing to do with him, selfish twat.

If he does an extra half hour a day at work, then by default, you also do an extra half hour a day of work as he is home half an hour later to share the parenting.

this is a VERY important point. You are also 'working hard' and earning his day off in the week. But you get nothing back for it.

He’s taking the piss. You need to sit down and tell him that things are changing. He needs to do more with his children and you’ll be getting time for yourself.

How much time do you have to yourself OP? I get that your kids have additional needs - but do you have some time in a typical week when they're all at school and you could take some time just for yourself?