Husband's Days Off

[YouG0GlenCoco]

I guess this is a bit of an AIBU but I didn't want to post there and get ripped to shreds! So please be gentle with me if you think I am in the wrong!

Dh works full time, hybrid remote. Company are starting up 9 day fortnights so he now gets one midweek day off every two weeks. I do not work currently, I did work part time but two of our children are disabled and managing their needs (lots of days off, morning school drop offs are an emotionally draining hour long event, being sent home early, meetings, appointments, not sleeping through the night etc etc) just led me to not be able to balance work and home and I was completely burnt out.

Dh is using his midweek days off to play golf and basically anything else he fancies. The day off happens to fall on a day I am most frazzled as I take dd to a weekly physiotherapy session which involves picking her up midmorning, an hour round trip and then dropping her back at school for the last 45-60 mins. So perhaps that is clouding my judgement! But this morning he was complaining that the garage doesn't do MOTs on a Saturday. I suggested he book it for his next day off and he said "but that's my day for me. I don't want to be taking my car for an MOT on that day" I replied "oh yes, it's nice to have a day for yourself isn't it" (passive aggressive I know 😬) he got the hump a bit then because he says he works hard for that day (an extra 30 mins at start and end of each working day) but he can't see that I don't ever get a day off from being the one who does EVERYTHING for the children. I asked him on one of the days off to pick them up in the afternoon but he just said he didn't want to!

I think it's less about begrudging him a day off to do what he likes and more about feeling unappreciated and resentful that I don't get the same. I'm unsure if I'm just being a brat though because I don't work. Or, I don't have PAID work I should say. When I did work part time my day off was for food shopping, life admin and cleaning 🙃

I had a bit of an awakening after Christmas, having spent months organising it, getting everything, wrapping it all, sorting food blah blah blah, everyone else was just lounging around and i was still cooking and cleaning up etc. i started thinking its the same with holidays, weekends and I'd had enough! I always thought 'oh its DH day off, kids break or whatever' I'm a housewife so its my job, then I thought but when's my day off? I have had no real break in 18 years!! So now i take Fridays off, the 6 hours the younger kids are at school I do bugger all except change the washing out, i read, i binge watch Netflix, i make something nice for my lunch, scroll mumsnet i do whatever i want for me. Is that possibly an option?

I actually think he should get the day off. He’s working the hours still on other days. My partner does similar at times so it’s only a day off for hours accrued whilst working away. Was like this pre covid for over 12 years and usually used to sleep etc. He had definitely earnt that day off doing an 80-90 hour week.

My partner is not the father of my child and I never expected him to do any parenting things whatsoever, but then I was a single parent for a long time before. And no there was not a biological father doing anything just me.

But you also deserve time off to yourself to relax or for hobbies, just anything that’s not chores or parenting. Try to get things more on an even keel so you get a half day to yourself per week, maybe it’s possible during school hours?

Or cycling!

Husband is selfish and lazy. Is he any help? I would say his off day should be alternatively yours and his so one week he picks does everything for the kids, the next week he does golf and you do kids. You work probably harder than he does, so you need equal time off.

You need to clearly tell him that when he is at work you are covering the childcare/parenting. When he is not at work, ie evenings, nights, days off and weekends you are both equal parents who share the load.

It can’t be the case that he works an office job for money in office hours only (with the remaining time “for himself”) and you work 24/7 for free in what sounds like a considerably more demanding role.

Omg no YANBU!! Who wouldn’t love a day off just for them!!

I’d tell him he can have his day off when you also get a day off. Cheeky f*er

Your husband is being unfair. The reality is that he is a father to 2 sn kid's. They need more help with school work, have more medical appointments and may need to be driven to extra circular activities. Because of your kids you can't work outside the home even part time.

When your kids are in school you can be left ringing for appointments, filling out form's, battling to get services IE physio ect. Then you have to do certain things when the kids are in school because once they come home from school you're busy.
Also with some sn kids doing certain extra circular activities can help them a lot physically, mentally or socially.

You need to chat to your husband about the lack of support and the lack of free time that you currently have. Tell him you have decided to take every 2nd Wed off so he can do the school run, physio appointments and your leaving him a list of jobs to be done at home. He might not be happy with this but the reality is that you need some down time for yourself and your own health. If he does not start to pull his weight I would not do his washing, cooking or none of the jobs he asks you to do.

The reality is that when you have kids you have to share the workload. Your entitled to some free time and to get help with the mental load of having sn kid's.

Unfortunately this is the kind of thing that happens when men have kids when they didn't want to.

‘He didn’t want to’ pick up his kids from school?! What an awful attitude to parenting. Presumably he wanted the children? In that case - tell him to suck it up and step up!

To care for others you first need to care for yourself. Even if that means once a week sitting in the car at the supermarket with a takeaway coffee and a fab donut reading a magazine or scrolling on here for an hour.

build in your me time strategically. For me that meant buying a robotic hoover and I sit and watch it doing the hoovering with a cup of tea.

@YouG0GlenCoco I think the penny needs to drop with him that his extra half hour involves YOU doing an extra half hour childcare alone. So, maybe you could suggest half a day each ‘own’ time on the extra day off?

Love this for you! ❤️

You aren’t absolutely not being unreasonable! I have a child with additional needs as well as a NT child. I do work, out of choice, for my own sanity, but it is probably more stress that it’s worth, because, as u say, the juggling is insane! My hubby works a “better job” so is the main breadwinner. He gets a lot of days off that are his. I get a lot of days off that are housework, appointments & all that fun stuff! Don’t underestimate the mental load & the drain of never having a minute to yourself. I feel like they don’t understand because they don’t do it! Staying at home all day sounds great, but I think, imo, it’s harder than having that break of going to work! As hard as balancing my job is, I absolutely need that.
I lost the plot a little while ago & felt I had reached my limit, so I took a 3 day break alone (hubby often has long weekends up to 5 week hols while I have the kids!) He feels like he did me a huge favour, but he did zero housework, had school mums help with the NT child’s school runs & taking him to & from hobbies, as well as paying a babysitter to take them to hobbies & look after them while he played his regular sport! He seems to have overlooked all of that when telling me how well he coped 🤣😱 Don’t wait for him to carve out time for you, decide what you want/need & tell him it’s happening, or you will burn out & be no use to anyone!

It amazes me. I've always worked full time and yet had to get groceries, do chores, do things for my DS etc on my days off because that's being an adult. He's getting a one day holiday every week! If he were single he'd have to do all the boring life stuff on the weekend or on his day off. If you weren't there he'd have to parent.

So many parents do alot more with alot less time.

What a moron. I despise men who think that women who are SAHM’s raising the children, keeping the house half decent etc aren’t “working” and therefore don’t deserve a day off. It’s unpaid work you do and the hardest job in the world!
Leave him with the kids one day at the weekend once a fortnight, so you also get a day off!! What a tosser.

The question shouldn’t be whether one of you working harder / more than the other, the question should be ‘are you both getting equal rest?’.

Your husband is a mega dick! The typical “I work hard and deserve time to myself” crap like you don’t work your arse off taking care of your children and him and the house and probably all the finances. Nip it in the bud right now or your life will be miserable and when your kids are grown up you’ll wonder where your life went and then you’ll be angry and pissed off about what you could have been and done..believe me I know.
Choose a day hand him any appointments for the children and say you’re off to play golf for the day and see how he likes it.
Tell him what you want and that’s a 50/50 split with all responsibilities and if he doesn’t like it tell him to sling his hook. You’re not his mum.

Have the talk about your day off. Nominate your day and make sure you leave the house in claiming it.

You need to sit down and put all options on the table.

1. You could go back to work full-time - but both of you look into the costs of care that requires.
2. You could go back to work part-time - but boht of you look into the costs of care that requires

It's probably going to come back to you looking after the children is most cost-effective. But if that is considered your full-time job - then you both need to agree what time off you get.

It's not going to help him, if you get divorced, because he won't be able to do his job if you give him 50% responsibility for looking after the children.

But also think out beforehand, what time off you want and when, and what chores/ responsibilities you want him to take over.

Your letting him do this though. Put your foot down and stand up for yourself, leave him to keep doing it and he will. Kids are draining everyone needs a break whether they work or not.

This is going to end in divorce unfortunately

Playing devil's advocate as I can potentially see both sides here, if you don't have a job, why can't you manage to pick the kids up from school and do an hour for physio? If my hubby didn't work but resented my one day off I would feel annoyed too 🤷🏻‍♀️

Wouldn’t it be much fairer if on week 1 he did what he wanted to do (golf) and on week 3 he stayed home and gave you the option to do whatever you want and on week 5 he did what he wanted etc.

So he has 2 days off a month. One can be his day off to spend as he likes and the other one can be yours!

YANBU. Even with a bit of light passive aggression :-) It's understandable that slipped out because you haven't had an adult-to-adult conversation about your needs and it has been bottling up. You have to explain clearly, calmly and without confrontation why you feel upset and what you would like to change. Pick your moment. I hope he hears you and adjusts his attitude and you can find a better balance that works for you. In an ideal world you shouldn't have to spell it out for him, but sometimes people exist in their own bubble with no concept of how even the lives of their closest family are fundamentally different to theirs (I know because I have one of those at home too).