Husband's Days Off

[YouG0GlenCoco]

I guess this is a bit of an AIBU but I didn't want to post there and get ripped to shreds! So please be gentle with me if you think I am in the wrong!

Dh works full time, hybrid remote. Company are starting up 9 day fortnights so he now gets one midweek day off every two weeks. I do not work currently, I did work part time but two of our children are disabled and managing their needs (lots of days off, morning school drop offs are an emotionally draining hour long event, being sent home early, meetings, appointments, not sleeping through the night etc etc) just led me to not be able to balance work and home and I was completely burnt out.

Dh is using his midweek days off to play golf and basically anything else he fancies. The day off happens to fall on a day I am most frazzled as I take dd to a weekly physiotherapy session which involves picking her up midmorning, an hour round trip and then dropping her back at school for the last 45-60 mins. So perhaps that is clouding my judgement! But this morning he was complaining that the garage doesn't do MOTs on a Saturday. I suggested he book it for his next day off and he said "but that's my day for me. I don't want to be taking my car for an MOT on that day" I replied "oh yes, it's nice to have a day for yourself isn't it" (passive aggressive I know 😬) he got the hump a bit then because he says he works hard for that day (an extra 30 mins at start and end of each working day) but he can't see that I don't ever get a day off from being the one who does EVERYTHING for the children. I asked him on one of the days off to pick them up in the afternoon but he just said he didn't want to!

I think it's less about begrudging him a day off to do what he likes and more about feeling unappreciated and resentful that I don't get the same. I'm unsure if I'm just being a brat though because I don't work. Or, I don't have PAID work I should say. When I did work part time my day off was for food shopping, life admin and cleaning 🙃

I always ask my dh to think about the situation if it was reversed.

How would your dh feel if he had to do your daily load of work.

It's a story as old as time, man with Big Important Job doesn't seem to understand/care that this can only happen because wife is shouldering everything else. I suggest you go out one Saturday and leave him in charge of the kids for the whole day. Show him what it's like on just one day. Don't get into a competition about who is more tired/busy/stressed, that will never work and it shouldn't be a competition anyway. You should both be valued for what you bring to the relationship (him financial, you emotional and practical). He should then want to support you and will see that this one day off in the week is not just his to use as he pleases, because you're a team. If he doesn't see/accept that then you have a different issue to resolve - whether you want to continue in the relationship.

Wow ok this was clearly the reality check I needed 😂

He will do some things around the house but more the day to day washing up, putting clean clothes away etc but it's not consistent, I guess similar attitude to the parenting, he can opt in or out, because I'm always there to do it if not. I must be fair and say I go to an exercise class one evening and if I make plans to go out on an evening or weekend he will take over what needs to be done. I don't go out socially that much though and one of my children is very anxious being separated from me so it's often stressful anyway! He does take the kids out at the weekend to the park or something.

I don't think I want to have a whole day to do whatever I like once a fortnight, but just to be appreciated for what I do and told to take a break or not have to do a school run if he's around! But this thread has definitely given me food for thought and I will be having a conversation with him about how we can both get fair downtime.

Regarding the comments about the physio session, it unfortunately can't be changed and I'm not willing to give it up as its doing amazing things for her. It's a Riding for the Disabled group session and they have a link with our physio team so she was referred to them. Where we are the closest stables would be maybe 10 mins less of a journey but they don't offer the therapy there and I can't afford to pay for private riding lessons! I take her back to school afterwards because I'm very grateful the school allow her to come out to do the session weekly and I want to minimise the amount of lesson time she misses so that they continue to allow it as she gets older (SATS next year 🙄🙃)

Knob.

Who is caring for his children and running his house while he is working an extra 30 minutes a day? Your unpaid labour is facilitating this for him.

You deserve equal leisure time.

He is taking the piss.

I'd be telling him you will be splitting the days off now and having one each every four weeks. He had today, so yours is in a fortnight. He can do the appointment and running around with DD and you can do whatever you fancy all day.

Why only once a month? He would still get lots more 'me' time

I asked my dh his opinion on this, we also have 2 kids with sen. Dh says ….

{snigger} “he’s being a twat”

He needs to alternate taking his mid week day to do his own thing and giving you the mid week day to do yours surely? So you both get some much needed down time once a month effectively.

Can you not take a 9-2.30 school day once a week (or more) to yourself as leisure time if both your children are generally in school? It would seem to me that leisure time is available to you, but you are just not taking it? Even with additional needs, a SAHM of school age children should comfortably be able to carve out time for themselves, even if it means that housework etc gets left to the evening to be shared between you and DH. What is going on in your head that means that you don't allow yourself to take that time? Drop the children at school, and then go for a coffee/a walk/wander round the shops/come home and put your feet up and watch a movie etc/whatever else you fancy doing, and don't do anything housework or child related (unless emergency) until you pick the children back up from school.

You need to have equal down time-it’s got to be fair. Are your children both at school every day?

This, I’ve never had to ask DH to share parenting etc he just does it, part of it is care for me and part of it is care for DD. If you happily watch your spouse run themselves into the ground and don’t step in then you just don’t care about them.

@mrsm43s true, I guess it's guilt or feeling I should be doing something productive in that time. I'm never up to date with organising and housework so there's always something to be done and it wouldn't get done in the evening by dh, I am usually upstairs with dd until she's asleep which can be 9-10pm, come down and make lunches for the next day and can't be bothered with much else! But I take your point, even if the housework is just left for me on another day, maybe I do just need to give myself a day off once a fortnight or something.

Are all your children at school? Because if that's the case, surely you get quite a few hours for yourself. I understand they have additional needs but it can't be every single day.

I understand him wanting a day for himself every few weeks if that's the case.

If you have a young child at home, then he is totally unreasonable.

You need a conversation. He sees that as his down time but where's your? If he says we'll relax between school runs , suggest he do the school run on his day off!

Stepdad to one, since he was under 1 year. Dad to youngest (dd). Wasn't trying to mislead by not including that in my op.

I don't go out socially that much though and one of my children is very anxious being separated from me so it's often stressful anyway!

That clearly shows you're not taking nowhere near enough "me" time. Your child needs to become habituated to dad being there for them just as much as mum. And the only way to achieve that is if he actually spends time with them.

Woah. If this is true then all answers given are null and void! And that would make it an exceptionally unfair and misleading op.

😂 sorry I didn't reply the first time you questioned the state of my marriage, you are clearly invested! Despite what a few posters think, we have a happy relationship in general and my feelings about this issue are more let's discuss and work this out rather than LTB!

I'm not an overly confident person and I hate confrontation so my post on here was a bit of a vent and to see whether I was actually just being unfair.

Ok. Op I'm afraid it makes a huge difference if the children are not his. I guess it depends on what the deal was when you discussed getting married and having more children. Did he agree to take on your child(ren?) as his own?

😂 I've replied to that post. Hopefully the fact he's the biological father of one of my children and 11 years in to being the stepfather of my 12 year old entitles me to expect him to share a bit of the load?!

Yes he did. As did I with his, although she is not with us 100% of the time but the other two are. The youngest is his own child though, should I just ask him to take care of her and ignore the middle one? I see them as three siblings and all are treated the same by us both.

Every time he gets a day to himself, you get one too. I think you need to take the whole day out of the house (even if you sit and read a book in the library or something) just so he has to look after the kids and realise how hard you work too. Leave him a list of the jobs you'd have got done - he may not do them but he'll understand you're not sitting watching tv all day while he's at work.

The stepdad thing is ridiculous - if you'd been stepmum for 11 years since the baby was a year old MN would expect you to be all in. If he's not treating that kid exactly like his own by now he's a scumbag.