Husband's Days Off

[YouG0GlenCoco]

I guess this is a bit of an AIBU but I didn't want to post there and get ripped to shreds! So please be gentle with me if you think I am in the wrong!

Dh works full time, hybrid remote. Company are starting up 9 day fortnights so he now gets one midweek day off every two weeks. I do not work currently, I did work part time but two of our children are disabled and managing their needs (lots of days off, morning school drop offs are an emotionally draining hour long event, being sent home early, meetings, appointments, not sleeping through the night etc etc) just led me to not be able to balance work and home and I was completely burnt out.

Dh is using his midweek days off to play golf and basically anything else he fancies. The day off happens to fall on a day I am most frazzled as I take dd to a weekly physiotherapy session which involves picking her up midmorning, an hour round trip and then dropping her back at school for the last 45-60 mins. So perhaps that is clouding my judgement! But this morning he was complaining that the garage doesn't do MOTs on a Saturday. I suggested he book it for his next day off and he said "but that's my day for me. I don't want to be taking my car for an MOT on that day" I replied "oh yes, it's nice to have a day for yourself isn't it" (passive aggressive I know 😬) he got the hump a bit then because he says he works hard for that day (an extra 30 mins at start and end of each working day) but he can't see that I don't ever get a day off from being the one who does EVERYTHING for the children. I asked him on one of the days off to pick them up in the afternoon but he just said he didn't want to!

I think it's less about begrudging him a day off to do what he likes and more about feeling unappreciated and resentful that I don't get the same. I'm unsure if I'm just being a brat though because I don't work. Or, I don't have PAID work I should say. When I did work part time my day off was for food shopping, life admin and cleaning 🙃

100% this.

He needs to help more

Why. Just why does anyone accept this arrangement.

It's time for a stern talk, not just passive aggressive swipes. Go to couple's counselling if needed. You two are partners and parents, 50-50. He ABSOLUTELY must step up to do more. You both need to work equal amounts/hours and get equal downtime. Your job is the kids and house so you're on the clock 24/7. Hardly fair innit?

If he disagrees, initiate divorce and see how he likes taking care of his own children every second week without you. That would drive the 50-50 home for him.

Think about if you separated you would have to share custody 50/50 so he wouldn’t have the privilege of golf days and you would get loads of time to yourself - point that out to him.

Sharing the house hold chores seems to be a problem in a lot of couples, I worked6 o'clock until 2 o'clock, or nights I always cooked the evening meal, I would have been a lazy "b"if I waited for my wife to come home at 6 and start cooking, we are both now retired we have been married for 44 years and we still can't manage to get a day off

It could be worse. I worked part time in a care home and had 2 children. My Ex Husband thought I had nothing to do so he applied for a job that took him to the North sea for 2 weeks at a time and he certainly didn't help when he had 2 weeks at home on that rota. I didn't complain just got on with it and put up with it until I realised he not just worked away but played away from home too.

Tell him to get his finger out his bum, and parent! When is your day off? My DH and I are in a similar situation and recently when bat shit crazy at his selfish behaviour. We have 2 autistic DS (one non verbal,I sooo get it! And DD is going through diagnosis of ADHD. It’s insane it’s a 24/7 job that you do not actually get a break from.. beware of burnout! Very very real! You need to look after you and fuck him if he can’t see that you work 24:7 there is a reason we are called I payed carers!) you need that resbite much much more than he does. You need time to refresh and he should be going to/taking kids to apps when he is off at least once a month. I have been setting these boundaries in my home as I did burn out, my gp and careers support where worried as I was doing everything myself! While married. I burned out and it is a horrific feeling when you just stop caring. I was given resbite very quickly, and allowed to care for myself. Sounds so stupid but get my eye brows and hair done was just basic self care I needed for me. When you are on call 24/7 which parents of children with complex needs you have lack of sleep, lack of time, and no we do not sit on our arse all day, my son is collected daily now (non verbal) as he isn’t settling, then we have speech therapy, physical therapist, bloods, check ups, specialist appointments for eyes, ears and teeth, as he will not go to regular dentist, DS who also has autism is main stream school who are not meeting his medical needs as they can’t cope, so I’m called into hour-2 hour meets weekly, his mental heath apps, his dental appointments. DD can’t stay still, constantly talks and can’t follow more than one task at a time gets over whelmed and screams… while trying to stop my 6 year old non verbal from trashing the house and compulsively eating everything that is non food items, trips to a and e as he has eating things he should t have like water balloons, yes water balloons he ate 8 of them was rushed to a and e as I saw him eat one from my DDs room of things she has been collecting for summer play. Luckily he was ok and hadn’t chocked wasn’t until be pooed that we found out how many! The drs where amazed tbh that he could swallow one far less 8 with out any complications. It is constant! I get you! So much I get you! You have to set clear boundaries with DH and make it clear this is not normal parenting this is called being a mum and a full time career you are working 24/7 and show him what people who do what we do get payed per hour! He will soo realise he gets days/evenings off! You do not! Keep your head held high and do not forget about you! You matter just as much because with out you, who is there to look after the children. They need you and they need you at best, and to do that you need to care for you to! Keep your head held high and advocate for yourself! You deserve you to stand up for you to xx

Eurgh! You are not being unreasonable!!! Also, with any type of post like this I always wonder why the partner doesn't WANT to help with their children, their home, spend time with their wife. Like they just lodge in their own home and once they've ejaculated they've washed their hands of all child responsibility... I'd be tempted to genuinely ask him, "is there a reason you don't want to support me on that day, because it feels like you'd rather spend the free time playing golf on your own, rather than supporting your children and spending time with me and I'm emotionally and physically frazzled which should matter to you, I'm intrigued as to why it doesn't".

It's an issue for us too. I get one day off each week, he gets one day one week and two the next. My day off is all about catching up with shipping, life admin and housework. He'll have maybe one thing that I've left him on a list.
Drives me potty! YANBU

I’d go right back to not doing extended hours if all that they meant was that I got to do extra chores at home.

Don’t say you don’t work, this is what society wants us to think of unpaid carers. It is work, it’s just grossly undervalued. When you you get your day off?