Devastated with my life at age 31

[67666d]

I feel like I'm suffocating and I'm completely exasperated and I'm turning into an irritable person. I never thought I would be an irritable person. I can't cope with anything anymore. I never imagined that I'd be so unhappy at my age of 31. I don't want this life anymore.

I've been unemployed for 10 months and I've been living off of the money I inherited from my grandparents (I had savings of £60,000 and I believe they have now gone down to £15,000). I feel so devastated and so ashamed. I can't even bring myself to check my bank accounts because I know that it will kill me and shake me to the core. I haven't spent the money on anything substantial or worthwhile, I don't know what its gone on but its gone on me treating myself to things and driving lessons with different instructors that have led to nothing. I haven't had any self control with the money and I've been dipping into it without a care for years.

I wasn't progressing with the driving lessons and the driving instructor basically told me that he didn't think I should carry on with the lessons and that he didn't want to keep taking my money when he thought I wouldn't get anywhere. Its really knocked and shaken my confidence.

The money was supposed to be for my future, for me and my boyfriend. My boyfriend is the love of my life and the best thing that has ever happened to me. It was supposed to be used for us to buy our first home.

I'm so ashamed that I haven't held onto the money, it could have been used as deposit money for our first home, money for my first car, money towards our first child, money for renovations on our first home, money for a wedding, money for travelling, money for retirement, money for investing, money for university, money for a holiday home, money for a pet.

Its sickening. I don't want access to the money anymore, I want to cut off all of my access to it. But, I need to pay rent which means I need to pay £800 a month. My savings will probably run out on rent unless I find a job to cover it. You cannot imagine the devastation of my life.

He found out about the money last night, when he asked me about it and I told him that half of the money has already gone. The reality is that even more than half of it has gone. It will kill me to have to tell him. We were out at a pub and were planning to go to a nearby restaurant to get dinner after we had finished our drinks. Well, my boyfriend asked me about the money and you know I told him that half of it has gone. It was very painful. He told me that he felt sick as in it made him sick to hear how much was gone. He told me that I should move back in with my parents and sort myself out. My boyfriend told me how unhappy he is and how he has been waiting for me to find a job for 10 months, how I haven't tried hard enough with the time I've had. The conversation got harder and harder and more and more painful... he said that things are always about me which is true and that he's tired of things always been about me, he said he feels that he doesn't have anybody to look out for him or encourage him or motivate him. He works so hard and has struggled with his mental health. It broke my heart to hear this. We finished our drinks and we were both very drained and upset, my boyfriend said he wanted to get the train home, my boyfriend was crying on the train home. It was the worst day of my life. We got home and he got straight into bed and I could hear him crying in bed. I didn't feel I could comfort him as I've caused all of this. Neither of us had anything for dinner and it was horrible- I still feel weak and out of sorts today.

I've been looking for a job half-heartedly (to be completely honest), I've started to try in the past month. I know its really shameful. I found looking at jobs to be overwhelming as I felt like there was nothing I could do. I don't have any qualifications, no degree or anything and my previous work experience only means I could only look at low paid jobs. I just feel so undesirable and so unfulfilled. I can't see these type of jobs lead me to any of the goals I have... like I want to have a family with my boyfriend. We've been together for 12 years and I'm 31 going on 32. I went through an abortion five years ago and it still fills me with grief, torment and pain. I will probably need fertility treatment as well, given that I'm nearly 32 and I have no idea when we will even be able to try for our first child.

We also have a massive issue with our next door neighbour, it is completely unbearable. We can hear her all of the time, she is so overbearing and so loud. She doesn't go out to work and is in our shared garden all day long. She sits outside our windows and talks as loudly as she can on speakerphone, or talks with her husband or talks with anybody coming through the garden. My boyfriend blasts music to drown out the sound of her. My boyfriend has been telling me that he is desperate to move and that he hates living here because of her. He also works from home and he can't open his office window because she sits directly below it in the garden, so he works all through the summer with his window closed. It's unbearable, its making him angry and how can I blame him when he's been waiting for such a long time. We CAN'T move now because I don't have a job and because we don't want to be able to buy somewhere. We have been renting for all of our lives and don't want to have to rent again.

I feel so guilty that I've not tried harder and that I've wasted so much time. The guilt could eat my alive.

I feel like I'm going completely mad. I'm so unsettled and things are so unstable.

My mum has messaged me today about a big family get together next month, for my grandmas birthday and she wants me to let her know if I'm going. I don't feel like I'm in a good enough place to be around people when I'm so devastated with where I am in life at age 31. I felt like I was going to flip out when I saw the message. I've just gotten back from visiting family and I don't feel I was in the right state of mind to visit. Then again if I don't go, I'll end up feeling guilty and they will know that any excuse I make is a lie as I'm unemployed and have all of the free time in the world. I feel like such a terrible and conflicted person, it's exhausting. I want to be to type of person that makes other people feel proud.

How are you doing @67666d ?

How did the interviews go?

The neighbour is exhausting. I am completely exhausted; it is like she lives in the house with us. She sits outside of our windows all day long on her bench talking to anybody for as long as possible. She shouts, shouts across the garden, laughs as loud as possible, makes other loud noises like coughing, burping, dragging her feet, shuffling her feet, laughing to herself multiple multiple times on a daily basis and has her phone on speakerphone when she is using it, constantly opening and closing her front door that we have to listen to, constantly dragging her metal chairs outside of our door. We have no feeling of privacy or quiet.You hear or see her all of the time. There is no respite, no break. I feel I am going mad. I am desperate for it to rain so that she will go inside, and im sad because i like warm weather.

I feel so much anger and agitation. We have no sense of calm or peace, she takes it all away from us. She has no consideration or respect. I just can't understand how somebody can act like she does with no consideration or thought about the affect she may be having on other people. I don't know how she gets the energy to behave in the way she does. Jumping at anybody who passes through the garden and trys to engage them in conversation or offer them a coffee at her picnic bench for as long as she possibly can. She will even walk into the parking area when she hears people arriving. If she is not sitting outside in the garden, then she will be at her front door coming outside as soon as she hears anybody in the garden. When we are receving delivery's, she will even open her door to have conversations with the delivery people even though they are delivering to our house only.

My poor boyfriend works from home five days a week

Me and my boyfriend try to be good people. We didn't do anything to deserve this.

What are we supposed to do about the neighbour?

It is a shared garden by the way shared between 8 houses, we all access our houses through the garden (there are no front doors on the houses, the only way to access them is through the garden).

It's disgusting that there are no rules or boundaries in place for the garden and that nobody has spoken up to her. She doesn't work AT ALL and so is in the garden every single day.

Me and my boyfriend are the ones that have to hear her all the time, because her table is placed the closest to our windows and because we share a passage between our two houses to the houses entrance doors. All of the other neighbours will be nowhere near as affected by her as we are.

Have you tried speaking to her ? If she is older is it possible she has dementia? I don’t think playing music loud to drown her out is the answer as that may be making her worse. It’s sounds like she is lonely if she keeps talking to everyone.

OP, if you're genuine, get a job and get therapy.

I think you are both fixating on this women because you are stuck in the house all day with your boyfriend working and you not working and underpinning this is a failing relationship that has been irreversibly damaged because he coerced you into getting an abortion. It's really, really hard but you need to leave the relationship and start a new life. You deserve that.

I totally agree with this. I think if you left this relationship, every part of your life would be so much better. He's not lovely - he completely coerced you into a decision that you didn't want to make, which has had such significant effects on your mental health. All he cared about was himself.

But you do need to get a job. And probably a bit of therapy to deal with the trauma of the abortion and your relationship.

If you are scared of your boyfriend leave asap.

Also, to be clear, I don't doubt that the neighbour is incredibly annoying but she currently provides a distraction from addressing the real issue relating to your relationship and unresolved trauma. If the neighbour moved away tomorrow those issues would still exist and your mental health issues would continue.
Focus on what you can control, on what YOU can change in your life.

You need to get away from the man that you live with, that forced you to have an abortion, and that frightens you now. He is a cunt.

You need therapy and to sort your life out for yourself and on your own. You sound wildly and deeply unhealthily dependent on that man. You will never, ever launch while with this man.

(1) move in with your mum and save on rent, (2) give yourself £1000 in your bank account and tie the rest up in a high interest fixed term account a for a year and (3) take any job you can get. It’s easier to find a job when you’ve got a job.

💯 agree with this. It might feel like a step backwards moving in with your mum but it's not, it's a step forward to a better, healthier, happier life.

Hi op. It’s very hard but you need to try and forget the past as there is nothing you can do about it.

Please try and forgive yourself and focus on some things you can control.

As someone old enough to be your mother, I am telling you that you DO have time, to retrain and to find a job that interests you. Even if you have to invest in some money to get the training you need, if you are determined and serious about it, that could be a very sensible investment.

Could it be that your relationship is at the heart of this situation? You thought you would be in a committed relationship by now with children and yet he doesn’t want dc after 12 years? Is that correct?

May I ask please why he has the power to decide on the course of your relationship? Do you not get a say too?

You say you are both stuck in a black hole because of you? But why isn’t he equally responsible?

And after finding out about your financial situation, having been in a relationship for 12 years, the only thing he can do is cry and suggest you go back to your mother to sort yourself out?

He’s not exactly a knight in shining armour is he?

Most men in that situation might be a bit exasperated but if they had a shred of decency in them they would offer to try and help and work through it as a team? Also, they would not behave as though the financial loss is his, when it is yours!

Move to a much cheaper area.
Your boyfriend can work anywhere as he wfh.

Cleaners are always needed so sign up to an agency.

Op I am really sorry for your loss. It may be that you have PTSD from the abortion. I also sincerely think that you may be neurodivergent as ruminating is extremely common with ADHD (I have inattentive ADHD) and can be distressing. I really would strongly consider speaking to the GP as it may help explain a lot to you.

It's very common with neurodivergence to do global thinking i.e. applying your current situation to the future. Intrusive thoughts are also very common.

I think you could consider an anti depressant like citalopram to give yourself a break. This one in particular helps with focus and mood.

If you are a convergent thinker, you will take information from lots of sources and try to piece it together, and it can be really overwhelming. Writing things down helps. The productivity meditation it sounds like is helping you and this is good.

Hormones and the biological clock also come into play. But consistent baby steps = positive change.

Don't focus for long periods without breaks. Vary your tasks and break goals into steps. Make a weekly structured plan of your regular commitments and have a daily plan for your job hunting. Always make sure you eat regularly and get exercise. If you stay together. I think you and your partner need to commit to a joint plan with deadlines. You could also benefit from having a weekly partners meeting together to discuss finances, plans and fun for the week, what went well last week, any issues. Break down larger goals by brainstorming what you need, steps, a timeline. Make it visual and track your progress. Have a look at Rebel Finance School free personal finance course, it teaches you how to manage money, save, invest.

You have lots of time to get where you want. 💐

I've got two in-person job interviews booked for tomorrow now. They both were arranged today, and one was only arranged about 10 minutes ago. I tried to arrange it for Friday or next week as I knew that I already had a job interview booked for tomorrow; however after saying my preference for having the interview on friday or next week, the person i was speaking to on the phone asked me if I wouldn't be able to do the interview tomorrow. It's a high paying job and I felt like it would be better to take up the interview as soon as possible, to maybe get ahead of other people. I don't know, I ended up saying yes and agreeing to do it tomorrow.

I'm feeling absolutely overwhelmed and like crying. I hate doing job interviews like this on the next day with barely any time to prepare. I feel like all of my job interviews have ended up being like this so far. It is really stressfull.

I don't know what to do—if I should cancel one so that I can focus on one and properly prepare myself and not be so overwhelmed. I feel like I'm going to humiliate myself really badly in both interviews seeing as I have no time to prepare. They both are quite good jobs too with progression/remote working opportunities, and one has a good salary.

What if I'm drained from the first interview by the time of the second interview? I will be exhausted by tomorrow evening =)

What would you guys have done would you have agreed said yes to having the second interview tomorrow too? (for the high paying job). I want to look out for myself, but i don't know the best way to do it.

Nobody can say what they would have done because, like you, we would have made a decision in the moment.
Life is full of decisions and your future doesn't rest on whether you made the right decision, it rests on you moving onwards and upwards. You said yes so now focus on doing the best you can do. Think about your best qualities and attributes, think of some examples and believe in yourself!

Just do it !

You’ll be great!

Wow, you're obviously in demand! Have a look back at what you put on those applications, because that's what made the interviewers want to talk to you. They think you might be a good fit for them, and that's what they want to find out. And pretty quickly by the sounds of things.

If you got the job, what would you be doing? How would you be expected to behave, what sort of conversations would you have?

What will you say if they ask about the last year? You need to put a positive spin on it - yes, unemployment knocked you back and left you feeling a bit lost for a while, but now you've got a clear picture of the sort of work you could do and you're ready to take it on.

Go in there and try to put them at their ease - they want you to like them ;-)

1. Move somewhere you can afford.without savings. If that's your parents so be it 2) Your boyfriend isn't on your side. Home truths are one thing but sounds like he is focused on the money and tbh you could do without the negativity. 3) See your GP. Sounds like you're depressed and may need a bit of help. Don't be afraid to access it. 4) What do you want to do? Not the long term plans - what would make you happy now? Do you like working with people/ on your own/ thinking jobs/ practical jobs? Do something you are motivated by and the one day at a time.