Urgent please: what to do when a neighbour has died

[Plosperous]

I think one of our neighbours might have died today. There's a lot of cars in front of the house. The couple that lives there are in their 90s and haven't been well for a while so im afraid its probably bad news. I'm not sure what's the custom in the UK. Do you go over to offer your condolences and offer to help or do I wait for someone to inform me? We weren't close but we used to chat when we ran into them on our road. I have known them for quite a few years now. If I go over is it OK to take my toddler with me or would that be rude? Do I take biscuits or something?

I would leave it for today

I would go and see if they are ok. Yes, take biscuits and also maybe cook them something later in the week.

Not today. In a couple of days.

Is there a local WhatsApp group? Someone on there might know the drill.

Wait until you know for sure, you'll see the funeral director coming to remove the body, if there is one, or see notice in the paper and then put a card through the letterbox offering your condolences.

Do not go with your toddler today. There is nothing you can do.

I think you can’t really make a plan until you know what’s happened. it could be any number of things.

If it was in my street in a comparable situation I would knock on the door tomorrow at a reasonable time, ask if everything is ok - can you help - as you saw a lot of cars, and then take it from there. If it is a bereavement I would then later drop off a card. If someone has been left behind then I would take them a meal in few weeks time. I would also ask if they would welcome neighbours at the funeral so you could go and show your support.

Nice of you to want to help OP but I definitely wouldn't turn up with your toddler today

In a few days. When you know for sure. You pop a sympathy card through the letterbox.

They will have family and friends around them so don't intrude

Definitely do not turn up today with a toddler. That's all they need!

I'd wait for a couple of days and then maybe ask another neighbour if they know if everything's ok. If not, offer your condolences including a card

Don't just turn up today.

A lot of cars could be visitors for a birthday!

You could pop a note through the door with your number offering help if required (especially if you haven't seen the couple for a while).

If there are lots of cars outside, there are enough people to deal with whatever is going on. If you aren't close enough for them to let you know one of them has died, you're not close enough to turn up with your toddler if that is what's happened.

Wait until you know what's going on, and then if there's been a death, pop a card through with your phone number on it and offer your help if it's ever needed.

As others have said.. you do not know these people well enough to be going round with a toddler asking if they need help so soon. Very inappropriate.

No, you do not go over with your toddler. If someone had indeed died they don't want nor need unexpected visitors with young children. no need to take biscuits either - you are not being invited in/over for a coffee morning.

Maybe in a few days time if you see one of your other neighbours you could politely enquire if that neighbour knows anything.

Then you could send a card with your condolences.

Agreed - leave it to close family for today and wait until you know for sure. Maybe have a card on standby. My mum always had an emergency sympathy card in a drawer!

You don't have to "do" anything. I would be absolutely horrified if a neighbour rocked up when someone in my house had just died. Just leave them be.

You need to find out for sure what has happened: would the neighbour on the other side or opposite know for sure? Anyone else you could ask? Leave it for a day or two and when you're certain, you could put a card through.

Do nothing , if it pans out someone has died and it’s not a wedding anniversary or birthday , send a card .

First and foremost you wait to be informed that there has been a death.
It would be odd to turn up with sympathies without anyone even telling you someone who you only say hello to in the street has passed away. It's not a race to get in there first.

I'd leave it and see what happens, definitely not appropriate to go over with a toddler.

It is interesting how the cultural expectations for these type of things varies from country to country.

I agree but I think most cultures would find out for certain there's been a death before anything else.

It’s a strange one. I’d definitely leave it for a few days.

About a year ago now, in my street, the DH of the NDN’s a few doors up the street ended his own life. I only knew because emergency services came and he was best friends with NDN’s next to me who’d moved abroad. But I never knew the couple well enough to drop round with condolences.

They have 2 DCs and I saw the DM with her younger child coming back from school one day about a week after he’d passed, but she looked completely shell shocked and I was getting out of my car with a friend but the child looked at me, almost as if he expected me to say something but I didn’t know what to say so didn’t.

Going over with a toddler to "offer condolences" firstly could be embarrassing if it's a birthday party or similar. But secondly, I'd mark you down as the gossipy neighbour who wanted to make sure they knew first.
Wait until they come to tell you, which they will if they want you to know.

I would leave them alone. One might be in hospital, the other might be distraught. There might be distraught family members inside. You just don’t know - there’s plenty of adults over there so there is presumably nothing practical that you can do to help. Plus you have a toddler which could make your visit chaotic.

Wait to be told if you knew them well. We've just had this and I only told a few close neighbours (as requested on behalf of the family).

When our neighbours died, their adult children came round to let us later that day.
With one of them I was rather glad they did as I was meant to be having a big birthday party the next evening, which they said to go ahead with. I did, but it was a quieter affair. I know they weren't upset that I did that either as I'd see them around every now and then and they'd always stop to chat and ask after everyone. We were their parent's neighbours for 20 years and they watched my kids grow up.