Urgent please: what to do when a neighbour has died

[Plosperous]

I think one of our neighbours might have died today. There's a lot of cars in front of the house. The couple that lives there are in their 90s and haven't been well for a while so im afraid its probably bad news. I'm not sure what's the custom in the UK. Do you go over to offer your condolences and offer to help or do I wait for someone to inform me? We weren't close but we used to chat when we ran into them on our road. I have known them for quite a few years now. If I go over is it OK to take my toddler with me or would that be rude? Do I take biscuits or something?

Absolutely leave it.

you weren’t close but want to help? You sound as being nosy

I would be annoyed if a neighbour I hardly knew decided to be nosy and pop round with apologies, if you need to know then they will tell you. Just wait. Also a previous person said pop round with biscuits and then cook them a meal later 🤨 do not do that

I would be annoyed if a neighbour I hardly knew decided to be nosy and pop round with apologies, if you need to know then they will tell you.

Yes, and that why she asked on here before she did anything at all.

When my neighbours have died. I post a condolences/sympathy card. Just make sure it is a death though. Once a well meaning neighbour told me my other neighbour's son went into hospital and died, while I was away on holiday. I posted a condolence card and noticed a pile of cards through the glass door. Unknown to me the neighbours son was in fact alive, and my card was among many birthday cards, which were taken to him. He died a few days later. The neighbour said that they all laughed at my curious card, but were shocked when it came true. She asked me, how did I know he was going to die?! Embarrassment is not enough of a word, to express how I felt. So yes, please make sure it is definitely a death before sending a card.

Exactly this! If a bereavement has occurred, once you know for certain, pop a sympathy card through the door and leave it at that.
Don't knock as it's most likely the last thing they need.

There is limited parking where I live so I have gone out to say, 'use my parking space'. It's a been a death a couple of times but it has also been a couple of parties.

Please don’t go, certainly not with a toddler, inappropriate.

When someone in our home died, I let the neighbours know by text in case they wanted to keep their kids away from the windows when the casket arrived. The neighbour came over with some flowers she handed over at the door. That was lovely and enough. Our other neighbours probably had no idea (not great visibility to the road).

However, you don't actually know if someone has died yet.

Don't take your toddler.
If the cars are police and ambulance id pop over to see if they need any help or support as they may not have any.
If the cars are friends and family then leave it for a couple of days.

Wait to hear and then put a condolence card through the letterbox. That's all you need to do. Do not bring your toddler or biscuits or meals.
When my dad died the only people my mum could bring herself to talk to in the immediate few weeks afterwards were family and very close friends. She and we would not have welcomed a visit from a neighbour who was just on a hello basis of acquaintance, and would have hated if she had been accompanied by a toddler.
Many neighbours sent cards as my parents had lived there for 40 years and several stood outside as the hearse departed which we thought was a nice touch but we wouldn't have wanted anything more from them.

Just to clarify, I was of course going to confirm first if there had been a death before offering condolences or mentioning it. I was going to check with another neighbour but I was too embarassed to ask her about what would be the etiquette to follow in a case like this so I asked on mumsnet. I said it's urgent because I didn't know if I had to deal with this situation immediately or if it could wait till dh came home and looked after the kids. I'm glad I asked because it's obviously very different to what would be considered polite and supportive where I am from.

This thread has also given me the brilliant idea of putting a card in their letter box to ask if they need any help. I've been feeling bad about not doing anything for them. I have knocked a few times at their door recently but they don't open. Neither of them are mobile anymore so they probably can't. I was going to ask their daughter who comes to visit once in a while but haven't run into her recently. Now one of their kids will find the card and can contact us if required. The kids (well, they are in kids in their 60s or so..) live quite far and I know how tough it is to have ailing parents when you don't live in the same town and can't support them as much as you would like to. I am always very grateful if anyone helps out my own parents.

My father in law took great comfort from support from his neighbours when mother in law died. There was definitely no notion that they were being nosey. Shame to think the worst of people’s motives.

I had a neighbour die when I was in my 20s. I didn’t think about etiquette then. He was someone I said hello to, occasional little chats, part of the neighbourhood. We (young flatmates) went and offered our condolences and went to the funeral. I probably wouldn’t now because I’d be conscious of whether it’s the “right thing” but the family were so welcoming and seemed genuinely touched that people they didn’t know cared he had gone.

It sounds like it wouldn’t be the right thing to do from the general response.

I wouldn't say I hardly know them. I have known them for over 10 years and they have been to ours when we still had my older dc's birthday party at home. We aren't close but we always had a nice chat when we happened to meet on our road.

I am really surprised that people would consider it nosy to offer condolences to a bereaved neighbour or ask if they needed any help though I can see how it might be intrusive and unwanted so soon after a death.

Best not to turn up with a wreath and sympathy card and it turns out to be their birthday

All good advice. Don't cook anything. The last thing I would have wanted when my mother died recently was people rocking up with food.

I'd wait to find out who had died and put a card through the door.

It would be very normal in my family to knock on to offer condolences as soon as we had confirmation of a death. I’m Irish. You wouldn’t need to be close to go around. Similar to your culture, it’s to offer support and anecdotes to help the bereaved get through a tough time, with tears and laughter. I’m married to an Englishman and I find it so odd how hands off his family is around death. The cultures are quite different on this topic, I think.

I wouldn't do anything until I knew for sure, then I'd pop a card through the door.

Personally if my DH had died, the last thing I'd want to do is to deal with the neighbours offering condolences.

Everyone is different. I'd have taken you popping over in the spirit of care it was intended. You just have to be prepared that they may not welcome it and read the room.

@Plosperous They put the body on show to the neighbours???? Bloody hell that's appalling

That's really not uncommon in a lot of countries. In Ireland you go and pay your respects to the family, and the person who has died is often laid out in a room for visitors to go and say a few prayers/say their goodbyes. And visitors will include everyone under the sun - family, friends, neighbours, work colleagues of family...

It's very normal in a lot of countries.

Common practice in my country

Not only do we (usually) see the body at a wake in Ireland, but a recent study has shown our way of dealing with death is very healthy and helps with grieving!

www.bbc.com/news/uk-northern-ireland-67462985.amp

Absolutely! I've had quite a few neighbours pass away over the twenty six years that I've lived here, along with my husband, as a lot of them were older when we moved in. They've been a mix of English, Malaysian, Jamaican and Irish. The English mainly being the exception (and I'm not saying it doesn't happen), it was very much a neighbours pull together, constant visitors and open house scenario.

I know this is probably a lot of people's worst nightmare, but I definitely appreciated it when my husband died. My next door neighbours made us dinner every day for a couple of weeks, and I returned the favour when their son passed away.