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Original poster

Urgent please: what to do when a neighbour has died

88 replies

Plosperous · 14/05/2024 17:06

I think one of our neighbours might have died today. There's a lot of cars in front of the house. The couple that lives there are in their 90s and haven't been well for a while so im afraid its probably bad news. I'm not sure what's the custom in the UK. Do you go over to offer your condolences and offer to help or do I wait for someone to inform me? We weren't close but we used to chat when we ran into them on our road. I have known them for quite a few years now. If I go over is it OK to take my toddler with me or would that be rude? Do I take biscuits or something?

OP posts:
uncomfortablydumb53 · 14/05/2024 19:30

Wait a few days and then pop a sympathy card through the door
They may or may not tell you.
Don't take your toddler round but do add his name to the card

Inyourwildestdreams · 14/05/2024 19:36

Agree with the others. Definitely don’t pop round - you have no idea what’s going on. Perhaps one of them is very unwell and family are with them at home? As a family we’ve been in that position a couple of times doing end of life care for loved ones and I wouldn’t have appreciated a neighbour turning up at the door.

For now, just carry on as normal until you hear of something actually having happened. Ifs it’s a neighbour in an adjoining house then I would probably attempt to keep my toddler a bit quieter than usual.

Redglitter · 14/05/2024 19:39

Fgs don't go sending sympathy cards & taking over food until you know someone's actually died

It could be a birthday or anniversary or something else

If it is a bereavement don't take your toddler with you if you're going over.

Charlie2121 · 14/05/2024 19:54

My very elderly neighbour died a few months ago. We explained to our toddler what had happened in a very sympathetic manner as he did speak with her so would soon notice that she was no longer there.

The house has since been put up for sale and every time my DS saw someone coming to view the property he went out and told them to be careful because the house was full of dead people!

Libertysparkle · 14/05/2024 20:03

I'd leave it a bit.

We had a neighbour who was 103. Especially during covid we'd look out for her and speak to her daughter and son in law to say we can help if need be (ie drop off food etc).

But then in 2021 I noticed a dr car on drive late at night (it actually said Dr on it) and I thought the worst. It turned out she'd gone into hospital but died a month later.

Silvers11 · 14/05/2024 20:07

I agree with everyone else. Absolutely do not even think of going over with or without your toddler until you know what has happened. Could be a Birthday party or an anniversary for starters

Hopefully you will see a different neighbour who might know more, but do nothing until you hear on the grapevine ( if there is anything to hear that is)

Lavender14 · 14/05/2024 20:14

When this happened on our street we waited until we were told by another neighbour/ saw the death notice and then just rang the doorbell and left some food and a condolences card and left so they didn't need to see us and talk if they didn't want to.

Original poster
Plosperous · 14/05/2024 20:52

Thanks, everyone. I was going to ask our other neighbour first to make sure before offering condolences but I'm glad I posted because obviously things are very different here. I hope they are OK. I'll drop a card to ask if they need any help anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
Plosperous · 14/05/2024 21:18

helpfulperson · 14/05/2024 17:48

It is interesting how the cultural expectations for these type of things varies from country to country.

Yes, totally. Where I'm from originally (India) it would be considered very disrespectful to not offer condolences as soon as you have heard. I was worried my neighbours would be offended because at the time of posting I'd been home from work already for about an hour...

In my part of India you'd normally drop in to view the body (if it is at home) and then sit with the family for a while to comfort them and see if there is anything you can help with. It's basically to make sure that the bereaved family has plenty of support and is not left alone, in particular, if it is an elderly widow or widower who might not have a very large support network.

When my Russian colleague died last year another Russian colleague asked me to visit them a few days later and to take something to them (like biscuits or chocolates) as it would be considered rude to go empty handed apparently. I wasn't keen because I hadn't known him well and at that point hadn't seen him in years. I thought it would be awkward and his family would wonder who i was and what I wanted but I went anyway. I was glad I did. His family clearly appreciated it and we actually had a lovely time reminiscing and sharing stories about him with his wife and daughter.

OP posts:
DisgruntledPelican · 14/05/2024 21:26

I think the point is that you don’t know anything for sure yet, there’s just a lot of cars. It would be extremely odd to offer condolences / help if no one needs it…

MaggieFS · 14/05/2024 21:37

Your approach sounds lovely. The British arms-length approach sucks. IME, everyone assumes the bereaved will have lots of family in support and be terribly busy whereas the reality is it's a very lonely time.

OP, your heart is in the right place. Go tomorrow with some biscuits or something and just ask if there's anything you can do or if they need company.

Ruelzdontapply · 14/05/2024 21:39

I've had 7 neighbours die in the last 10 years and I still have no idea what's expected.
4 of the people that died their relatives told us.
The other 2 I knew because of the private ambulance that took them.
1 another neighbour told us but I kind of already knew after I saw the fire brigade break in.

Noseybookworm · 14/05/2024 23:00

It's very kind of you to want to offer condolences and help. I'd wait a couple of days though. It's usual to send a card with your condolences and you can attend the funeral if it's not immediate family only. In the weeks following the funeral I'd probably pop round with a meal or two if the elderly partner is now on their own.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 14/05/2024 23:14

That's very kind of you and I'm sure they'll appreciate that you cared about your neighbours

LoreleiG · 14/05/2024 23:37

A card through the door as soon as you know - flowers for the widow/er if you like. That is usually really appreciated especially with an offer of any help and a phone number from a neighbour.

yumyumyumy · 15/05/2024 02:01

You don't even know if anyone's dead yet!

skyfairy · 15/05/2024 02:50

Yes, totally. Where I'm from originally (India) it would be considered very disrespectful to not offer condolences as soon as you have heard.

But you haven't heard! It may have been a birthday party. You're already talking about others "viewing the body"!

Jumpitha · 15/05/2024 03:02

skyfairy · 15/05/2024 02:50

Yes, totally. Where I'm from originally (India) it would be considered very disrespectful to not offer condolences as soon as you have heard.

But you haven't heard! It may have been a birthday party. You're already talking about others "viewing the body"!

No she isn’t, she stated this is what happens in her culture 🙄 get a grip.

OP, you’re very sweet to care. Once you know for sure, pop over with some biscuits. In my experience I’d avoid flowers as the care post bereavement can be too much and finding a spare vase a hassle.

fluffypuffyrug · 15/05/2024 03:04

This happened to me a few weeks ago, however it was entirely clear there had been a death as the police arrived then a private ambulance carried a body out. I left it two days to give the one left behind a chance to process what had happened, then I took a card round.
She was so grateful that I had bothered, had a little cry and a hug and thanked me for taking the time.
She does have family looking out for her so I don't want to keep bothering her but I've made it clear she can knock on any time if she needs anything at all.

skyfairy · 15/05/2024 04:16

Jumpitha · 15/05/2024 03:02

No she isn’t, she stated this is what happens in her culture 🙄 get a grip.

OP, you’re very sweet to care. Once you know for sure, pop over with some biscuits. In my experience I’d avoid flowers as the care post bereavement can be too much and finding a spare vase a hassle.

Show quote history

Why don't you get a grip! All the OP's posts here are predicated on the need to do something now (URGENT!) regarding this death - which has not yet been established to have occurred.

ineedtostopbeingdramaticfirst · 15/05/2024 04:32

My neighbour died last year. I sent a message after I heard, saying just to ask if she needs anything. I also gave condolences the next time I saw her in the street (a couple of days later) and went to the funeral.

Jumpitha · 15/05/2024 07:02

skyfairy · 15/05/2024 04:16

Why don't you get a grip! All the OP's posts here are predicated on the need to do something now (URGENT!) regarding this death - which has not yet been established to have occurred.

Edited
Show quote history

Maybe she wants to be prepared? You're the one that read wrong. Call down dear.

ElaineSqueaks · 15/05/2024 07:25

Why don't you get a grip! All the OP's posts here are predicated on the need to do something now (URGENT!) regarding this death - which has not yet been established to have occurred

She's explained why though.

She didn't know what to do so she asked on MN and had her question answered. She wanted to know quickly so she put 'urgent' and she's explained why.

I take it you've never lived in another country.

PieFaces · 15/05/2024 07:34

If it was my neighbour I’d wait a couple of days then pop round with a couple of dinners and some flowers. Ask if there’s anything you can do to help. Lifts or whatever. Take the toddler for distraction

Coconutter24 · 15/05/2024 07:39

“Where I'm from originally (India) it would be considered very disrespectful to not offer condolences as soon as you have heard”

You haven’t heard though your just presuming which is why a lot of people are suggesting to wait till you know something or before you send a card. It’s lovely that you care but even if someone has died they are not going to want all the neighbours knocking on the door to see what’s happening because there’s a lot of cars out front