Urgent please: what to do when a neighbour has died

[Plosperous]

I think one of our neighbours might have died today. There's a lot of cars in front of the house. The couple that lives there are in their 90s and haven't been well for a while so im afraid its probably bad news. I'm not sure what's the custom in the UK. Do you go over to offer your condolences and offer to help or do I wait for someone to inform me? We weren't close but we used to chat when we ran into them on our road. I have known them for quite a few years now. If I go over is it OK to take my toddler with me or would that be rude? Do I take biscuits or something?

I also find the irish way much easier to navigate wishes post death as you tend to have all these conversations early on. I’m fully aware of my parents wishes, but my English husband has no idea of his, as they won’t talk about it. My Irish friends and I living in the UK have said we’ll throw wakes for each other as our partners won’t be up to it.

Sounds you are all lovely neighbours. 💝

I'm in Canada which is a huge mix of course but my family always has open caskets.

Also it's normal to bring food, flowers, and cards to the family. To rally around them. It's not considered nosey, it's seen as supportive.

In my experience at least.

My DM would disagree with that - she really wishes she had not seen the bodies of her relatives as a child, one of which was a baby, another a teen.

As an aside, I don’t expect anyone English on this thread is saying don’t go round at all just don’t go round the second someone dies with tears, laughter and biscuits. Which the OP has taken on board - OP your card sounds lovely and I’d have done the same, maybe following it up with a knock at the door a day or so later.

@LoreleiG - my mum feels the same. Maybe it's not the same as when they are dressed for an open casket but my mum said she'd rather remember as they were in life and not see them dead. She didn't view her other parent.

You sound absolutely lovely and I wish you were my neighbour

OP, you sound absolutely lovely. I wish that some of my sister's neighbours had been so considerate when she passed away at home last year.

Some neighbours took offence at the undertakers vehicle being temporarily parked on the narrow lane while they removed her body. People were honking their horns, driving up onto the pavement to squeeze past as they loaded my lovely sister in. I half expected the whole scenario to have been filmed and plastered over the local Facebook group as an example of shit parking.

It was obvious why the vehicle was parked there and the lack respect and patience by people added to the distress at the horrible situation.

I would have much preferred a visit from a well meaning neighbour, toddler in tow or not.

OP, I hope all is well with your neighbour

Same here. And I 100% don’t think seeing my Dad after his death would have helped with my grief, quite the opposite in fact. My mum says you can never unsee a dead body.

I like the sound of the Indian/Irish/other countries way of doing things. When my dad died and it was just the four of us left in my family (no close family in the area) I felt very alone. All my dads many many friends stayed away out of respect and an assumption we would have loads to do (we didn’t, the will was all in place, mum still living in the house so v little admin) and we were just all left staring at the walls a bit. I’d have welcomed company and stories about him. That all happened at the funeral, but the bit in between was just lonely.

Leave it a few days, you could put a note through the letter box with your phone number, ask if there is anything you can offer/ support them in their sad loss

I'd say you don't do anything or make assumptions right now. If they tell you someone died, or you find out for certain from others then sending a card or flowers and popping round to offer condolences is good. But I'd leave it till after the funeral, or at the funeral if you're invited. They'll be very overwhelmed right now if there is a death. If you weren't that close I'd give them a bit of time.

I really wouldn't want someone who didn't know my loved one very well to turn up on the same day as the death. Taking a toddler with you is an even worse idea. I'd leave it a few days and put a card with a nice message through the door asking if I can offer any support. If I managed to catch sight of a relative in the next few days I'd reiterate that message in person.

We have elderly NDNs. In this situation, like everyone has said, I would definitely not rush round there on day 1 but I also would absolutely expect to offer condolences in person and via a card at some point, and probably would drop round with a few goodies after a few days.

I think with neighbours, where REAL value can be added, is in the longer term. My dad's NDN started sending cake over now and again at some point after my mum died, this increased during Covid, and she still does it now which I know my dad appreciates very much. I remember him telling me in the first few months after we lost my mum that it could be very lonely at home so those sort of interactions were greatly appreciated. Similarly, someome sent me flowers about 3 months after mum passed which was also greatly appreciated - her note said she just wanted to let me know she was still thinking of me and she knows that I'm still grieving. It was nice because by then people tend to have moved on (understandably).