Selfish DH preventing DD getting ready for school

[Spelunk]

I get up at 6.30am and get ready, then wake DD at 7.15am. She has 15 mins to get up and dressed, 15 mins to eat breakfast, and 15 mins to have a quick wash and brush teeth. So DD bathroom time is 7.45am-8.00am, then we put shoes on and walk out the door at 8.10am.

DH is repeatedly using the bathroom during that time and making it difficult for DD to get ready for school. I’ve told him repeatedly that he can use the bathroom any other time but not during that 15 minute slot.

Today he was bending over brushing his teeth in the sink while I was trying to get DD toothbrush out of the cupboard above the sink, and bonked him on the back of the head with the corner of the door. DH was furious, and I was equally furious because he shouldn’t be fucking getting in the way during those 15 minutes.

He’s a grown adult, he’s capable of getting up 15 minutes earlier to use the bathroom. He’s just fucking lazy and lying in bed as late as possible. Then he ends up needing the bathroom right before he leaves for work at 8am. It’s selfish and I’m absolutely sick of it.

You're missing the point. There is nothing in anything the OP has posted that suggests her DD WAS having meltdowns and struggling in the mornings. The OP already had a fixed morning routine with alarms BEFORE DD came along. They weren't introduced to manage her DDs meltdowns. They were introduced to manage something the OP was struggling with.

Not only that, but put her disabled DD lower in the household priorities too.

Well but of course. Being a girl and disabled she better get used to making herself small and unimportant as soon in life as possible 🙄

No I'm not missing the point at all. You have picked up on one tiny part of my post and tried to make that my point

Another, large, part of my point was my wheelchair was working for me before I had a child in my house. Now I have a child sometimes I am in the way with my wheelchair for both my husband and my child.

Given my wheelchair doesn't serve my child do I now have to give it up. I mean I can get around without it but its harder and less efficient for me.

Even if the alarms don't serve the child and only serve the OP, why should she have to give them up just because she's a mother?

Not at all. But having any sort of disability or mental illness doesn't mean that you get to dictate the lives of everyone around you too. I say that as someone with ADHD. It's not a free pass for me to set up things in my house as I'd like them and sod anyone else who lives here.

I mean being lazy and unorganised in the morning doesn't mean the DH gets to dictate the lives of everyone around him either. Bursting into the bathroom and taking up the space and going to the toilet whilst his daughter is in there because he can't organise himself never mind anyone else.

If the alarms and rigidity are an issue for him it's easily fixed by him actually doing some parenting in the morning

The OP only has things set up in a way that suits her because she's the only one bothering to get up and do it in the first place. So in that case I think she does get to set up the morning routine the way she likes it, instead of worrying about the whims of someone who apparently doesn't take either his wife or his child's needs into account

Because you aren't making your child move around the house in a wheelchair! But the OP is making her DDs morning all about her alarms.

I'm not sure relocating the hair brush and suncream to the living room, and having a spare toothbrush in the kitchen, really constitutes being the lowest priority. More sensibly not hogging the bathroom for non bathroom activities!

The school has a visual timetable - not every activity micromanaged into tiny segments with alarms! This is something for the OP not her daughter.

I agree the OPs DH sounds like an arse. I'm more concerned about the potential effect on her DD. But, on reflection, we are only hearing one side of the story here. It must be exhausting to live with this and we've no idea how long this has been going on for. It sounds like OP loses her shit if her DH inconveniently needs a poo at the wrong time. I'd struggle with that.

No but I make my child move slower to walk beside my wheelchair. And technically sometimes it would be quicker and easier for him if I was walking because we wouldn't have to go on to the next lowered bit of platform etc. I can't carry him home when he's tired like other parents do. There are loads of ways my child's life are dictated to by me being in a wheelchair some of the time. And some of those times I could walk, but choose not to because its the better option for me.

I feel like had the OP not mentioned autism, not mentioned alarms, not mentioned anything around that and just said that she was frustrated that her DH didn't help out in the mornings, got up when ever he wanted and barged in on them when they were in the bathroom to go to the toilet then the thread wouldn't have had so many people trying to blame the OP.

Meanwhile the OP of course doesn't get to poo at an inconvenient time because she's too busy being a parent. She's getting up over an hour earlier than her DH just to make sure she does get through the bathroom in time to help her daughter get ready for school.

I'm not sure I can summon up any sympathy for the husband in this case tbh

That's not quite the same thing, though. That's making allowances for someone with a disability. Not expecting them to live as though they have the disability.

I can't either, TBF, but I can for their DD stuck in the middle of this.

Well yes but the only person who seems to be upsetting the DD or causing her issues is the DH. Not the OP.

If the DD, who has autism, didn't like the alarms she would no doubt show this in her behaviour. She is a small child after all.

There are plenty of times during the day to teach a small child flexibility. But the pre school routine with a small child, I would take all the wins I could get to make that as smooth as possible. So if the alarms are working, or at least are not not working, then I certainly wouldn't be removing them if I was the OP, and actively making my life harder. Not to facilitate a shit.

Agreed. Have very much enjoyed this debate but must turn in.

Yep, and working with the OP having the alarms is making allowances for her having a disability. If all the arm chair diagnosis on the thread is right and it's for the OP and her autism of course. And not because, as the child's own mother states, it also helps the child.

You are effectively wanting to take away the equivalent of the OPs wheelchair for the sake of everyone else

Now if the OP made the child do this when they are old enough to get ready, even if the child didn't need it, then that would be making the child live as though they have the disability. Or rather as if they need the same accomodations.

But unfortunately when the child is small enough to need the mother with the morning routine, if the mother needs this to support her, then it's also part of the child's routine.

All made so much simpler and easier all round of course, if the child doesn't need this, if the lazy fuck of a father helped, instead of the mother having to take away her accommodations.

loses her shit if her DH inconveniently needs a poo

Scatologically amused by this 😀

But ... I don't know what's the matter with everybody? I grew up in a large family with one bathroom & a semi-outdoor loo. We obviously had very strict time slots for morning bathroom use, or nobody would have got to school or work on time.

My dad was an arse, but he would not have barged in on someone else's bathroom time to drop a shit. Anyone who was desperate or late had to use the scullery sink and loo.

This is all pretty normal in families that haven't got loads of bathrooms! Why's everybody acting like the husband's wishes trump his child's?

To be fair, he's got a point there. Are you doing nothing waiting for the alarm clock instead of getting on with the next thing?

As others have said best tooth care is to brush teeth before breakfast than immediately after. So for this reason I would change the bathroom slot.

But your husband is an arse. Lazy selfish man as many of them seem to be. You are definitely not unreasonable to be pissed off with him. It's not fair you fo everything in the morning while he lounging in bed

FFS. The timing of the tooth brushing is the least important element of this story, by a long way. Why on earth are so many people obsessed by it?

Why the he k would you brush your teeth before breakfast 😂😂

Not another one.

a) a man isn't doing it so can we focus on the situation that's happening and not the one you made up because every single thread must in fact be about men even when the subject is something else

b) the guy has plenty of flexibility that OP and the daughter haven't got; he has a toilet during those 15 minutes if he needs one. The person demanding that everyone defer to him at any given random moment is him. He'll literally shit in front of you to assert himself like a baboon.

@Spelunk it would be interesting to try an experiment if it didn't upset your DD. Try a different bathroom slot for DD - some are suggesting when she wakes up is more practical- and see what happens to the timings of DHs poos.

I suspect he will shift to the earlier time because this is about him marking his territory and (literally) pissing all over OPs careful constructs.

No one is expecting OP's husband to live like he's autistic. Some of us are suggesting that he make allowances for his DD who is and his wife who might be and is doing the DD's morning routine.

OP I think your husband is being an utter twat but I also think there is some middle ground to be found. We are a household of NDs and routine is important but the rigidity of your 15 minute time slots may not be as helpful to your daughter as you think and could be causing some anxiety. What happens if she’s particularly slow and distracted at breakfast one morning and takes longer than her allotted 15 minutes? Does it just go straight in the bin and then onto the next thing as soon as the alarm goes off?

Routine will be important to her but I doubt at her age the ‘slot’ being exactly 15 minutes is important. Her knowing that she gets up, gets dressed, gets breakfast, then gets washed is what is important to her. So you could get her up and help her to get dressed in 5 minutes, then start breakfast. This then buys you ten minutes of flexibility on what time she can use the bathroom.

I know your 15 minute chunks of time help you and it’s great you’ve found a system that works to some extent, but it’s not foolproof (you say yourself that you can’t move onto the next activity until your alarm goes off even if you’re physically able to - so the system is too rigid even for you). As a mother to an autistic child, I want to raise my son with the scaffolding to support him and strategies he can use to make his life easier but I want to encourage him to start to tolerate small amounts of flexibility too.

Indeed. Parent the child you have and all that.