Radical life change to leave the rat race - has anyone done this?

[Braindeer]

This is a bit long…sorry in advance. Also I am aware I am extremely fortunate so please don’t read on if first world problems are triggering for you.

I work full time in the city in London - long hours, high pay. I’m the main breadwinner - DH works in charity sector so much lower pay (a fraction of mine). Kids are preschool and year 1 and I’m pregnant with DC3. We live in a not especially nice quite small and narrow terrace in zone 3 and have about 50% equity (c.£500k). I have a very good pension pot but we don’t have much savings relative to earnings (about 6 months’ expenses).

At the moment I feel like I’m sacrificing a lot and it’s not paying off - the money I earn sounds like insane riches but in London it doesn’t go far at all (eg can’t afford to extend the kitchen, couldn’t afford private school for 2 kids never mind 3).

I’ve been fantasising about selling up and moving to a cheaper part of the country, buying a cheaper house outright and moving to a much lower paid part time job so I can spend more time with the kids.

But I also recognise that I’m very much a classic “Type A” personality and wonder if this would be a terrible mistake…once we make the move we could never go back.

Has anyone done anything like this? Is this madness? I obviously wouldn’t contemplate it until after dc3 is here.

If the roles were reversed, MN would take up pitchforks at the suggestion that the lower earner step up. Cries of not valuing domestic work, mental health is more important, it's the 'hardest job in the world' running a household etc etc.

There are often women complaining that they work PT 3 days a week but do ALL of the household chores. If this is the DH situation , with 2 small kids and a baby it would be extremely unfair to force him to step up.

Fair game otherwise!

For every 'I went PT/low-stress/ and it ruined my career' woman, there's an OP equivalent man slogging it out at a high stress job that they'd pack in to see their kids more. But this is what they agreed.

Ultimately OP and her husband need to take it step by step, and work out a list of their priorities. Right now it's all over the place... mortgage free/bigger house, more time with kids, equality with DH... what's the starting point? I can't tell.

I'm sure OP + husband could afford mortgage and bills for instance with her earning slightly less , but they might not be able to give 3 children every opportunity in terms of holidays and activities. Obviously London has lots of free things but if they play competitive sport for example there's kit, away games and so on to think of.

I don't think it's true - there are frequently posts on here pointing out that some women's nice lives are facilitated by a man dealing with the career stress and bringing in money to pay the bills. Does that mean the woman's role in the home/childcare is without value? No, but it can mean that the balance between parents is out of whack, and the only way to solve that is for one partner's life to be a bit less cosy to ensure that the other partner has a better quality of life.

The devil's in the detail IMO.
Some people (anecdotally, mostly men) enjoy the 'stressful' careers and don't care about seeing their children at all. Ambition is uppermost, so their other halves have to take a step back or risk having nobody around to actually parent. I've seen a lot of this. Or sometimes, kids have SEN so it's an absolute necessity.

Others don't, but their spouses are enjoying a nice, stress-free life at home, never really liked working anyway and don't want to go back. It's not say that they're sat around twiddling their thumbs. Just that it's lower stress. Much like even jobs are different, some are easy and low stress, some are not.

Choice is a privilege as well many many couples both have to work high stress, not very well paid jobs and are on a constant treadmill!

The other point to note is that, like paid work, not all domestic work is created equal. And a lot of high expectations are self-inflicted. Food shop, cooking, laundry all have to be done, yes. But one doesn't need a spotless house or gourmet cooking. I grew up with 2 working parents, mum was an efficient cook with a limited, but perfected range of dishes. Our house wasn't the tidiest. Didn't do me any harm!

As a high earning woman I wouldn't be impressed if my 'domestic' other half claimed they had lots to do but it involved excessive cleaning/baking/making noodles from scratch/whatever. But equally, so many women have a heavy load because the men don't lift a finger at all. I can't believe how many don't even put their clothes in the laundry basket, their dirty cups in the dishwasher or even wash anything they use!

Never mind the mental load of keeping track of things. I'm lucky in that my husband and I have our jobs. Laundry, toilet paper, bathroom stuff etc for example is his department, the kitchen is mine. I don't even have to think about toilet roll or washing powder running out - it just appears. Just as he doesn't think about dinner.

Every family is different, the important thing is that both parents value the same things and make conscious choices in a way that works for them. Rather than just falling into whatever seems easiest at the time, leading to long-term resentment.

I know York is expensive but you can buy a house in one of villages north that’s lovely for 500k. Either 3 or 4 bed with a garden. There are some beautiful properties for around 500k in my village at the moment. We’ve moved from Teesside which is much cheaper but I still think you can get a house for a family for 500k in York and the surrounds

1/2 million pounds is out of reach for many. That’s my point. Many of the shops in York city centre are NMW. How do those people afford £500k ?

Yeah I totally get 500k is far above average. I just chose that price because the op said that is how much equity she had so for her it would be affordable. Equally my village has just sold a lot of 3 beds semis for about £240 which is more affordable (though maybe not on nmw)