Radical life change to leave the rat race - has anyone done this?

[Braindeer]

This is a bit long…sorry in advance. Also I am aware I am extremely fortunate so please don’t read on if first world problems are triggering for you.

I work full time in the city in London - long hours, high pay. I’m the main breadwinner - DH works in charity sector so much lower pay (a fraction of mine). Kids are preschool and year 1 and I’m pregnant with DC3. We live in a not especially nice quite small and narrow terrace in zone 3 and have about 50% equity (c.£500k). I have a very good pension pot but we don’t have much savings relative to earnings (about 6 months’ expenses).

At the moment I feel like I’m sacrificing a lot and it’s not paying off - the money I earn sounds like insane riches but in London it doesn’t go far at all (eg can’t afford to extend the kitchen, couldn’t afford private school for 2 kids never mind 3).

I’ve been fantasising about selling up and moving to a cheaper part of the country, buying a cheaper house outright and moving to a much lower paid part time job so I can spend more time with the kids.

But I also recognise that I’m very much a classic “Type A” personality and wonder if this would be a terrible mistake…once we make the move we could never go back.

Has anyone done anything like this? Is this madness? I obviously wouldn’t contemplate it until after dc3 is here.

There are so many beautiful parts of the country where you could buy a house outright for 500k. You could still find a job where you could lead and challenge yourself to get your type A personality satisfied….but you wouldn’t be tied to a job for thr money. I love just outside York and love it. Good schools, beautiful city 15 mins away and the dales, moors and coast near enough for day trips. We go to Edinburgh sometimes for capital city vibes. I would do it. You can still carve out a life you find rewarding but it wouldn’t be guided by money

Yes, exactly - I’d like to reduce work stress and see the kids more by working part time, and buying a cheaper house (potentially mortgage free) would facilitate that.

Moving to eg Bexley with an identical mortgage would mean (a) I couldn’t make any changes to my working hours so couldn’t go part time and (b) would increase my commute so I would actually see the kids less - it’s completely counterproductive. If meant the house was nicer than where we live now that would at least be some sort of trade off, but it doesn’t even achieve that.

If we moved completely out of London and could buy somewhere outright then yes I would be happy to compromise on the house, but that’s not what was being suggested.

@Walkthelakes agree that york is nice but it’s one of the most desirable and expensive cities in the country. Locals on ordinary wages are having to move elsewhere because they are being priced out by others wanting the slower paced life OP wants but have huge collateral in their southern properties.

There is a middle ground!!!

If you want a city I’d look at somewhere in the North – Leeds, York, Liverpool (can’t say Manchester as I think it’s grim – but there is also Manchester 😉). Or Brighton (although not sure how much cheaper Brighton might be, if at all).

Or a London commuter town, where there will probably be lots of others who’ve relocated?

It‘s not London, but nowhere is.

I dont think £500k will get a house you'll like in an area you'll like in the south east. I dont mean that in a horrible way, but you're probably used to a certain level. I think you'll need a mortgage to be somewhere you'll like, or will have to move some distance from London.

Honestly I wouldn't do it.
Mortgage free still doesn't necessarily translate to no money worries.
I would stick it out and as childcare costs decrease you will have more disposable income.
I would love to have stayed home with my children but had to keep working ( in a low paid job). Now I realise they didn't suffer at all for it, and I don't think I did really- it's just that the grass is always greener!
Their lives and ours aren't just about when they're little. Think how much you can help them when they're young adults! You could downsize and release money for their house deposits. Or take a step back then, career-wise, and help them with childcare.
I would, at the very least, spend a good chunk of time thinking about the pros and cons of a lifestyle change, and try to rapidly increase my funds so you have a bigger cushion.

Children are expensive and you are at the hardest part. Stay put and build up a much bigger savings pot before doing anything you'll regret.

Mumsnet is weirdly obsessed with moving to places like Bexley, Bromley and Beckenham as the solution to everything

I definitely wouldn't double your commute for a slightly bigger house - I can't see how that will help your stress

I really would look harder at ways to get a less stressful job but still in law - reach out to your professional network, you must know people who have done it

All of my female lawyer (yay patriarchy) have made moves to in house or government law or just a smaller law firm post children, it's a well trodden path

As an aside, I find it funny that some posters are sceptical of the size of your terrace but I guess housing stock varies a lot around the country

In London there are lots of narrow Victorian terraces with 3-4 bedrooms that are even sometimes more square feet than the OP's

Ok. Take a step back. You are 37, own a house in London, have a well paid job, a very very good pension pot and have 3 kids. You have a good life. One that many could only dream of.

You sound like you are trying to life some imagined life rather than the one you have. Do you need to rennovate your kitchen, do you need to privately educate your children?

You sound very dissatisfied with what from the outside looks like a very successful life. Live the life you have not the one others think you should have.

By all means consider changes to your job or location if you are unhappy, but first think about why you are unhappy. As the saying goes " wherever you go, there you are".

Would a sensible and doable train journey make it easier? Thinking something like Didcot area, or along the Chiltern line. Didcot is 35mins into London and £500k won't buy you big outright, but it'll go a lot further. That's a potential compromise position?

I know you’re right - I’m just exhausted. All I want is to be able to work a little less without sacrificing our quality of life, but I can’t really do that due to the nature of my job and the disparity between mine and DH’s earnings.

When I started this thread I felt like a big move to put me and DH on more of a level playing field was the answer, but maybe it’s just that I need to find a different role in London that has a better work life balance, as @spriots suggests.

I don’t need to privately educate the kids or extend the kitchen, but I mentioned those things because you would probably expect someone on my income to be able to afford that, but I can’t. It was a point about effort vs reward really.

Yes…it’s good sized in m2 terms but it’s essentially a long thin corridor.

Similar to this one but less nice on the inside and with a narrower hallway:

https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/142400594

You are soon to be on maternity leave and although you'll be busy and focussed on your newborn, it will also provide a period to reflect and plan what you really want and what changes you need to make to achieve your goals, looking at say 5, 10 and even 20 year horizons. Especially if you are a type A doing so should make sense to you. At the moment, you are grasping at something that keeps eluding you because you don't know what it actually is.
Lots of good advice above, but whilst you are off work, you might be able to look around for other jobs both in and out of London. Perhaps not to actively apply, but something my just strike you as giving the right balance. As a solicitor, you actually have a really mobile and valuable qualification.

Have a proper conversation with your HR partner about going down the PSL route?

i am at executive level in a group of private schools. i fought to be part time and they accepted simply because they can't afford to lose me. i will not forego my family for someone's business.

OP the kitchen is small but that house is plenty big!

Is your main worry the mortgage? It's probably about 3K a month which is quite affordable even with two 'London middling' earners on 80K each. But because of your DH income, it's more like 150K you, 30K him? Figures made up.

Two on 80K = 4621 each, so 9242. 1 on 160K = 8049. Even if you max out your pension to reduce the tax paid that's not going to help you with money needed for the present.

Obviously, another role with the same pay, for less stress would be the best, assuming that your current salary is sufficient and you're trading in the possibility of increasing it further , for the stability of earning at the same level for years + more time with children.

However, if not, then you'll have to sacrifice something due to the income disparity. Either you continue with this breadwinner/homemaker model, or get your DH to increase his earnings so you BOTH have child time, not just him. Or move elsewhere entirely.

Quite frankly I think your expectations are a little high, the house in the photo is quite nice. I wouldn't call it 'small and not very nice' even if your hallway is a bit narrower. Obviously not liking the layout and the house needing a bit of doing up is different from it being objectively small like, say a 2 up 2 down. Also you already have 500K of equity, so you're in a good position.

My husband did this, he was working stupid hours, never saw the kids, and never actually enjoyed Living in London as they were out in the suburbs.

So he moved back up north to be near family, less well paid job (though still not bad)... we now visit London (I'm second wife) and actually enjoy it.

The move meant he was there to pick his kids up from school etc etc, had a 15 minute commute that he could walk rather than a 3 hour round trip on a packed tube.

He sometimes harks back to the big job, but I point out he'd have had a much more expensive divorce in London, ended up marrying his secretary as he never met anyone else, and probably have had a heart attack at 50 - and still never have seen his kids.

The bit about "a big move to put me and DH on more of a level playing field" jumped out at me. Is that the real root of these feelings - that you don't feel the division of labour and stress works for you?

Yes that’s it basically. I’m the breadwinner but I think probably penalised both in work and by society for it being that way round. It is noticed that I leave to get home for bedtime but at the same time I feel I’m not seeing the kids enough, so I can’t win.

I would love for it to be more equal between DH and me but our jobs have vastly different earning potential so unless we make a dramatic change like me moving job and location it can’t be more equal. That’s the root of it.

I've seen many do this and it works for some and not others.

If you're a city type with strong career ambition, I'd stay right where you are and stockpile the money so that you have options later on.
Contrary to what people think, it is often in the teenage years where parenting becomes harder but on an emotional and not physical level. For now, your DH doing 3 days and being the primary caregiver can work well if you're okay with it. Having more options when they're older can be good though and that's more likely in a senior well paid job where you've got some decent investments behind you.
I wanted to opt out of the rat race when mine were young. I'm SO GLAD I stuck it out and kept my hat in the ring. It has led to opportunities beyond anything I imagined back then.
I also think that decisions like this are best made when the youngest is 2 or 3.. These are literally the hardest physical years (sleep deprivation is hard) so decision making can be clouded.

Good luck either way.

Re: your last point about society and work expectations of a woman being the main breadwinner, you need to find your tribe! They're not that visible at the school gates but you will find them at work and they're a godsend.

Ignore any snide remarks from men in the workplace. I remember one who told me they "really love their children so my wife stays at home" and another who said in bewilderment "when do you actually see your children?". You'll get all kinds of weird comments in both directions. Just tune them out and listen to your tribe!

You are pregnant right now and have 2 very young DC as well so you are in the thick of it! However, it sounds like you have achieved so much already and you deserve all of that and should be proud (and maybe also practise some gratitude as well as that can help us mentally). It also sounds like you already have an amazing house. No way would I be giving that up, it is literally what most people want. I think if roles were reversed and your DH was making tons of cash and you were stagnating in your work working part time 2 days a week, then maybe the grass on the other side would be greener?

I think in life we all have to compromise and it is very rare for us to have everything. I think most people would want a marriage where both work 4 days and share everything equally both the tedious tasks etc and the career opportunities, but it is just not always feasible. Quite often one person going all out and the other supporting makes more sense financially, especially in this country (and that is a shame, because some other European countries do have a better balance in that regard).
I think it is still difficult for women in the City of London to carve out their roles especially if you don’t want partnership, Director, fund manager etc. But you have worked hard and deserve it so I would be demanding 4 days a week (but be careful that it does not end up just as much work as 5 and less pay). Or at least demand more working from home after your next maternity leave. So I think you should work on getting your current employer to work around you so you are happier and maybe find a female older mentor at work. Many will have been through this.

I agree with pps that you should use your mat leave to think about what you want and research options. It is totally feasible for you to move out of London to somewhere like East Anglia, the Midlands or the West Country and be mortgage free in a nice house. All these places are not comfortable commuting distance to London but you’d be able to still get to there in a day to experience the culture and see friends.

Consider living outside Bristol or Cambridge and working in the city. Norwich is a great city that is still relatively cheap. Or you could go full rural.

The key though is you know what lifestyle you want, but what sort of career sacrifice are you willing to make? If you’re not that fussed about your current job then I’d say get out quick. If actually you get huge pleasure and meaning from it, then you need to think more carefully.

I don’t necessarily agree with posters saying that later down the line you’ll be glad to have stayed. Imo time with your children when they are small is priceless.

So what's your DH prepared to do to boost his earning potential? Can he do the same kind of role in a for profit organisation? Or is he quite happy with how everything has panned out? And how would he feel if you were suddenly bringing less money in?

FWIW, I think there are quite a few men in a similar situation - wife has a nice wee job and pops along to the school gates, husband has the proper job with less of the fun stuff but more of the "keeping the roof over our heads" responsibility.

I don't think moving is the right thing at all, if this is your issue. Certainly not in the first instance, and with 3 kids you are going to be somewhat limited in your options.

I've only got 2 kids but I work FT. My job is flexible enough so I can be around for some pickups/dropoffs, and my kids are old enough so that I can work from home whilst they are around. It's quite easy to have all of the stresses of working in a job that pays a fraction of what you earn, and none of the benefits -at least you're paid well for working! That's not to say don't try to do something differently, but until you know where your DH stands, there's not a lot you can do.