Fed up of people being completely incredulous that I can't drive

[Pleezoo]

First off, I can't drive and I'll never be able to drive because I have a seizure disorder. They're very infrequent but I still won't ever be allowed to drive. I'm 36 with two children. DH drives, I don't. We live in a city (not London) where most things can be found within walking or reasonable bus distance even though the public transport system isn't the best. And for what can't, and if DH can't drive me, I use taxis.

Yet people are absolutely INCREDULOUS that I don't drive. Utterly incredulous. How do I possibly manage, what about this, what about that etc.

In an ideal world I would like to be able to drive, it would undoubtedly make my life easier, but you know what, I manage perfectly well and I still have a life and I still go to places with my kids in tow. Sometimes I speak to people and say I've just got the bus to X or Y and they look at me as if I've announced I've just ridden there on the back of a dragon. Drives me mad.

Anyone else have this?!

I'm in my 40s and can't drive. My coordination and spatial awareness are appalling, plus I'm a panicker. I had loads of lessons but just wasn't getting the hang of it and wasn't enjoying it, in fact I was finding it really stressful.

It hasn't held me back at all! I have shops, cafes, restaurants, GP, dentist, parks and a station all within 12 minutes walk. There's a major hospital 25 minutes walk away. 5 different buses pass the end of my road. I happily travel around the city and even up and down the country alone or with my DC. In a rush or emergency or the rare occasion I need to go somewhere not served by public transport I get a taxi.

I walk more than most, which is obviously good for fitness, I spend far less on transport than I would on a car, I never have to worry about finding a parking space, or deal with confusing junctions or aggressive drivers (both of which would really stress me out!), I can spend my travel time doing other things like catching up on messages or reading, and I'm doing my bit for the environment.

Even most of my driving friends use the bus some of the time, but those who don't, I find it really odd when they say "I can't come to x because the car's in for repair:.

I think attitudes are probably set quite early on. Several of my work colleagues grew up in quite rural places and were all reminiscing one day about the day they got their licences and "could go anywhere I want." I had the equivalent experience myself at age 11 when I got my city wide bus pass to get to school. When I learned to drive much later it didn't feel like freedom, it felt like a tie. (Really? I have to go all the way back to a particular soulless piece of tarmac just to pick up the exact metal box I arrived in? That's such a nuisance!)

I do drive (under sufferance) and we are a one car family, but we don't structure our lives round driving. That's actually quite difficult even in our area of reasonably good public transport. Cars tend to crowd out other modes of transit and most people don't even entertain the idea of getting around in other ways.

i didnt have a car for 5 years, it was great being able to read on the bus.
now my job is on a different bus route so it would take far too long.

Exactly. Every house I lived in around Melbourne's sprawling suburbs was near a railway station; Mum and I made sure of that, because she doesn't drive either. I had no trouble planning and getting to work or other places because I read the timetables. I allowed extra time in case of delays. It was a lot more reliable overall than driving, when you never know if it's going to be busy or not. (I've had a trip that's normally twenty minutes take 45 on a bad day.)

99% of the time it's quicker as I don't have traffic to contend with. I live in a place where everything is walking distance.

My kids are used to walking and frankly it's good for them.

It’s ok not to drive if that’s your preference, but it’s equally ok to be amazed when you find out someone doesn’t drive.

I used to get these comments when I lived in the UK too. Now I live somewhere else with a better organised public transport system and a lot of cyclists, people don't think it's strange at all.

It's not a preference if it's medical reasons, though?

Why should it be amazing that someone doesn't drive? I just find this judgemental. As though all proper adults drive and an adult not driving means there is something wrong with them.

Ok, maybe ‘preference’ is the wrong word. I don’t think that amazement is judgemental though, more about wondering how a non-driver gets around, unless they live in central London.

I'm not in London, or even a city and my partner doesn't drive. No problem getting around. There are trains, buses, taxis here too. I also drive, so happy to do that whenever. We both work within 2 minutes of each other, same working hours so we'd use one car anyway.

I have never driven either. For different but for me very valid reasons. I also hate when I feel I have to justify why I don't drive. It can be inconvenient at times but it is what it is and like OP I don't understand why others can't just accept that but everyone can drive.

@Thursdaygirl normally we get around with no trouble because our lives tend to be set up around not driving. Just like drivers set theirs around driving. Like taking a certain route because you can refill with petrol, or parking at that certain place (even if further away) because there are always spaces available.

Why shocked? It's not shocking in any way to hear that people don't drive!

Unless you live very rurally I don't see why it's something to wonder about. It's not really like the US where cars are much more necessary. The UK does have buses and is fairly walkable if you're near even a medium sized town.

I drive, but I've gone long periods without cars, so have spent many years using public transport or walking. Obviously having a car is much more convenient most of the time (those times when a bus would get you somewhere an hour late or an hour early, so you have no choice but to waste an hour hanging around somewhere for example) but it does make me far more lazy - I'll drive to town even though it's easy enough to walk to.

I'm not surprised by people who don't drive as my parents didn't, and one of my best friends doesn't. So far none of my adult children have shown any interest in learning to drive either - my oldest says definitely not, two at uni are too poor atm, and youngest is only just 17. Better for the environment that they don't learn I guess! We live in a town with good public transport, and I'm happy to give lifts if needed.

I have it. I have very poor processing when it comes to speed and distance. Bottom 1% of the population. So does DS1. I just wouldn't be safe on the road.

I hate people assuming I am lazy, or in some weird trad-wife set up, or, worst of all, they insist on giving me a lift (I never ask) and then roll their eyes at the inconvenience due to my selfish entitlement.

Moving back to the city soon and I will be so glad to live somewhere no one needs a car to get around.

Why do you hate it? I don't understand why it bothers you.
Some people can drive and some people can but don't for various reasons.

It isn’t remotely surprising that people are shocked at an element of life of disabled people- able bodied people are often shocked about any and all parts of disability.

I only learned in the last year - because I had a windfall that was unexpected, and I had previously thrown lot of money at it and kept failing. I was obviously more confident and better now I'm older. People are saying "Oh I bet you wish you'd done it sooner" which I correct to "I wish I'd been able to do it sooner" I tried, it didn't happen and it was becoming a waste of money so I stopped trying for a good 10 years.

Before that I was subject to such comments, people amazed that I managed my life without a car and still did stuff! Always had a ft job, brought up a child, went out, got shopping, went on holiday. My personality, or my life, hasn't suddenly changed overnight. I still do pretty much the same stuff, it's more convenient sure, but I never had the urge to go camping at 3am or to live in the arse end of nowhere (more than I already do, or can afford to) and still don't.

I don't understand why people get so bent out of shape over it and insist it's an 'essential life skill' a useful one sure, but it's not essential because I managed perfectly fine without one. In fact I'd say I'm probably better at planning and more resourceful than someone that's reliant on their car "Can't do x,y,z because car's in the garage/off the road" that wouldn't occur to me, my car in the garage just means my keys feel lighter and I walk or get on the bus! Yet on here you're told you're lazy, infantile, can't be bothered etc etc for not driving when it takes more effort and thought to get around without a car.

It's certainly useful but it's not essential because I've arranged my life around not having one, because although I didn't have a driving licence, funnily enough I was able to do that anyway - even without a driving licence.

The town I work in is renowned for parking being awful, there was recently an event that would mean it'd be nigh on impossible, I got the bus because that just made sense to me, others were gobsmacked that I did it, although they spent ages trying to find somewhere to park and walked a couple of miles to work because there was no parking nearer - which seems a much harder way to do it!

I think for some they know how reliant they are on their car and know they'd struggle with not having one and somehow feel like someone who can is making them feel inferior and so feel the need to make the non drivers feel inferior.

Literally the only person inconvenienced by me not driving, or who now benefits from the convenience of driving is me, I didn't rely on anyone else before for lifts, I don't now, it's just my mode of transport has changed.

Why don't people mind their own business, how does it affect them if someone dosent drive.
Also what if a person does not drive but they can do something a driver cant do.
Everyone is different.people have different skills and strengths.

I have a licence but I haven't driven in over a decade - never owned a car. DH doesn't have a licence and has no interest in learning to drive. We live in London so have great transport links so never had the need, even with DD. We either walk or get the bus or train everywhere. But we are a rarity it seems - everyone I know even in London has a car!

I learned to drive at 30. Didn't get a vehicle for another 5 years and by then I had forgotten how to drive with any confidence. Did short, local routes (never motorways) to get the children to school/swimming etc and to get mother's shopping. But I was always stressed and scared. Now I am glad to give up and embrace buses, trains, walking, ubers etc. Its not a problem for me at all but agree with OP - it's other people who have a problem with it.

It's horribly rude for people to question your lack of driving OP. Or anything for that matter.

However IMO a lot of the reaction is due to how shit public transport is.

I own a car mostly for work and take public transport everywhere else. Lately I've found myself driving more and more as I'm constantly let down by public transport. Today for example a 1 hour round trip became 2 because a train was cancelled!

Owning a car is expensive, but the marginal cost of using it (above the base cost) is pennies if parking is cheap. It would've cost me very little in petrol to drive today to a place with free parking. But a train ticket (two 30 local trains, changing at Manchester Piccadilly) was a tenner return! For one person. If it had been a family it would be at least double the cost even with a Railcard. As it's only a third off for adults and 60% off for kids.

You are limited in a sense that you plan your life around public transport , so you wouldn't go places that are inaccessible without a car unless you can afford taxis. But this may not really affect your daily life.

I hate hate hate driving and would happily give it up, but sadly the need for it has just increased. I'm fed up of planning and planning only go have thing scuppered by strikes, delays etc and paying out ....life's too short.

Sorry this doesn't really help you as you can't drive but just my two cents worth on what people mean r.e. ease of getting around in a car.

That's a weird comment. Why would anyone say that they 'can't' drive. Unless theirs a medical problem most people are perfectly capable, but some choose not to.

I live on the outskirts of a major city. The traffic, and the stress of not being able to find places to park, is enough to put me off. Even people with cars usually get public transport into the city as the traffic is so horrendous.

I used to get this too. People aren't really incredulous, they just enjoy lording it over someone who can't do something they can do. Pretty sad if that's their biggest achievement!