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Original poster

Bit sad this evening. Please tell me a joke!

107 replies

Tellmeajoke · 29/04/2024 21:36

As the title says... I am a bit sad for reasons I won't go into. Fortunately time will shortly solve the relevant issues, but for the moment I am feeling down. Jokes would be very kindly received please.

OP posts:
Arconialiving · 29/04/2024 23:11

Your two are my favourites @noisyknickers Grin

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered · 29/04/2024 23:34

Man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only clingfilm underpants.

Psychiatrist says " I can clearly see your nuts"

maudelovesharold · 29/04/2024 23:38

CountryShepherd · 29/04/2024 22:45

Man goes into a Scottish butchers shop. It's a bit chilly and the butcher is resting against the radiator.

The customer points to the display. 'Is that your Ayrshire bacon?'

'Naw' he replies, 'Ah'm just warming ma legs'.

Show quote history

Grin I love these. (Dad was Scottish!)

Lucy Long Socks · 29/04/2024 23:43

Velcro..........What a rip off

AmyDudley · 29/04/2024 23:43

What's the difference between a bad marksman and a constipated owl ?

One shoots but can't hit ............

Worldsworstdriver · 29/04/2024 23:45

What do you call a musician who has lost his music?

Ian

Bewareofthisonetoo · 30/04/2024 06:36

Really hope these have cheered you up OPxxx

Original poster
Tellmeajoke · 30/04/2024 08:35

WellOwlBeDamned · 29/04/2024 22:27

Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead

My mum's variant of that one had a monkey 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Tellmeajoke · 30/04/2024 08:37

WinterDeWinter · 29/04/2024 22:47

My therapist told me to write letters to all the people I'm angry with, and then burn them.

I did, but what do I do with the letters?

As a writer I LOVE this one

OP posts:
Original poster
Tellmeajoke · 30/04/2024 08:38

Bewareofthisonetoo · 30/04/2024 06:36

Really hope these have cheered you up OPxxx

Thank you, they have :) thanks all!

OP posts:
PurpleChrayn · 30/04/2024 10:26

A man walks into a bakery and says "Can I have a mince round?"

The woman behind the counter says "You can walk however you like, love."

A woman walks into a butchers and says "Do you have a sheep's head?"

The butcher replies, "No, that's just how I style my hair."

WellOwlBeDamned · 30/04/2024 12:12

Well then you’ll know how it goes but for anyone else…

Why did the third squirrel fall out of the tree?

Because he thought it was a game

Georgewilldo911 · 30/04/2024 13:16

How to make your man happy and sad in the same sentence...,,

I love your huge penis, but it's not as big as your brothers..

Bewareofthisonetoo · 30/04/2024 18:32

Georgewilldo911 · 30/04/2024 13:16

How to make your man happy and sad in the same sentence...,,

I love your huge penis, but it's not as big as your brothers..

😂😂😂😂

NeverHeardOfSuchTosh · 30/04/2024 18:32

FriedGold · 29/04/2024 21:37

Not a joke, but search for the “Jimberley” thread posted on here today. Flipping hilarious

😂😂😂 I saw that thread

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 30/04/2024 18:38

What did the earwig say as he jumped off the skyscraper?

’Ear we go!’

That has been my favourite joke since 1958…..

CornishPorsche · 30/04/2024 18:41

Why do ducks have feathers?

To hide their butt-quack.

Datafan55 · 30/04/2024 18:44

parietal · 29/04/2024 22:46

why do elephants paint the bottoms of their feet yellow?

so they can hide upsidedown in a bowl of custard

(that is my mums favourite joke!)

Just random :-)

Iloveyoubut · 30/04/2024 18:44

Moonshine5 · 29/04/2024 22:04

OP read the 'jimberley' thread. It's brilliant

That thread made me laugh so much and. I really needed it!

ErrolTheDragon · 30/04/2024 18:46

parietal · 29/04/2024 22:46

why do elephants paint the bottoms of their feet yellow?

so they can hide upsidedown in a bowl of custard

(that is my mums favourite joke!)

And then there's:
What's yellow and dangerous?

Shark infested custard

WellOwlBeDamned · 01/05/2024 09:39

Why did the tree fall down?

Because it thought it was a squirrel

Hoppinggreen · 01/05/2024 09:43

I went to the zoo yesterday but it was a bit disappointing.
There was just 1 small dog there and no other animals
It was a Shitzu

MegaClutterSlut · 01/05/2024 09:44

A farmer has successfully grown a field of vibrators....

Unfortunately he now has a problem with squatters

Parrips · 01/05/2024 09:47

I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants but couldn't find any.

FinanceLPlates · 01/05/2024 10:09

A priest, a vicar and a rabbit walk into a bar.
Says the barman to the rabbit, What are you having?
Dunno, says the rabbit, I’m only here because of autocorrect!