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Original poster

Bit sad this evening. Please tell me a joke!

107 replies

Tellmeajoke · 29/04/2024 21:36

As the title says... I am a bit sad for reasons I won't go into. Fortunately time will shortly solve the relevant issues, but for the moment I am feeling down. Jokes would be very kindly received please.

OP posts:
PoochiesPinkEars · 29/04/2024 22:29

Why aren't koalas considered to be bears?

They don't have the right koala-fications

Time40 · 29/04/2024 22:30

What did Hannibal say before his men got on their elephants?

"OK men - get on your elephants."

MotherOfCrocodiles · 29/04/2024 22:30

Why was six afraid?
Because 789

PoochiesPinkEars · 29/04/2024 22:30

What did the kitten have at their birthday party?

A pounce-y castle.

PoochiesPinkEars · 29/04/2024 22:31
Read Matt Smith GIF by Doctor Who

What do artists do when they get in trouble?

They face the mosaic!

maudelovesharold · 29/04/2024 22:32

How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.

Notts276 · 29/04/2024 22:35

2 cannibals eating a clown. One says 'does this taste funny to you?'

Motheroffourdragons · 29/04/2024 22:36

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on behalf of the poster.

Waitwhat23 · 29/04/2024 22:37

Why are pirates called pirates?

They just arrrrrrrrr

Crazybabylady14 · 29/04/2024 22:38

Man goes to the dr

Doc asks what's the problem, man drops his trousers and there's a lettuce up his bum

Doc states "well that's the top of the iceberg ".

I was going for brown and sticky but was beaten

maudelovesharold · 29/04/2024 22:40

Man to baker in his shop
Is that a cake or a meringue
No you're right enough
Grin

CKMondlerlife · 29/04/2024 22:42

Did you hear about the magic tractor? It turned into a field.

CountryShepherd · 29/04/2024 22:45

maudelovesharold · 29/04/2024 22:40

Man to baker in his shop
Is that a cake or a meringue
No you're right enough
Grin

Man goes into a Scottish butchers shop. It's a bit chilly and the butcher is resting against the radiator.

The customer points to the display. 'Is that your Ayrshire bacon?'

'Naw' he replies, 'Ah'm just warming ma legs'.

parietal · 29/04/2024 22:46

why do elephants paint the bottoms of their feet yellow?

so they can hide upsidedown in a bowl of custard

(that is my mums favourite joke!)

OMGitsnotgood · 29/04/2024 22:47

What's green and sits in the corner?

A naughty frog

WinterDeWinter · 29/04/2024 22:47

My therapist told me to write letters to all the people I'm angry with, and then burn them.

I did, but what do I do with the letters?

WellOwlBeDamned · 29/04/2024 22:52

Why did the second squirrel fall out of the tree?

Because it was stapled to the first one

Motheroffourdragons · 29/04/2024 22:59

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on behalf of the poster.

Motheroffourdragons · 29/04/2024 22:59

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on behalf of the poster.

Bewareofthisonetoo · 29/04/2024 23:01

CountryShepherd · 29/04/2024 22:27

‘A man sees a sign outside a house – ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’ He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back yard. The man goes to the yard and sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

“Do you really talk?” he asks the dog. “Yes,” the Labrador replies. After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, “So, tell me your story.”

The Labrador looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eaves dropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years”.
“But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals”. “Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I’ve just retired.”

‘The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. “Ten quid,” the owner says. “£10? But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?”

“Because he’s a lying bastard, he’s never been out of the back yard.”

Just brilliant!!!😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

cassiatwenty · 29/04/2024 23:02

Grin @CountryShepherd I laughed, so this lab misused his powers. Such a build-up tho

noisyknickers · 29/04/2024 23:06

Man goes to the library and asks, have you got that new book about men with small penises?

The librarian checks and says I don't think it's in yet, and he says yes, that's the one!

noisyknickers · 29/04/2024 23:09

A woman goes into a bar and asks for a double entendre so the barman gives her one.

HarrietSchulenberg · 29/04/2024 23:10

Hannibal's elephants and the Scottish butcher have made me proper LOL.

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