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Original poster

How do I not invite the child who left the class last year but mum is still in the WhatsApp group?

131 replies

Lochroy · 22/04/2024 16:45

It's DDs birthday soon and we're doing a whole class party. The easiest and most normal way invitations are done is WhatsApp. The problem is there is one boy who left last year but whose mum has stayed in the WhatsApp group and occasionally does social evenings. My DD has not seen this boy since he left last July and they weren't close even when they were in class together.

Recently a whole class invite came out and the mum replied yes, DC would love to come. I was a bit surprised to see this! And now I'm worried.

I've already taken a punt on a few people declining so I can fit in my other DC plus one friend for him. If we have any more decline then I've got friends from outside school DD would prefer to invite ahead of this boy.

How do I do a whole class invite but without this one child?!? Wasn't it a bit cheeky of the mum to accept that invitation when I know the inviting mum hadn't realised she was even still in the group! I cba to set up a separate group; if she accepts, would it be rude to dm her and say I'm so sorry we haven't got space, or can we wait and see if we have space?

OP posts:
dollahsains · 22/04/2024 21:11

lorien9 · 22/04/2024 20:53

It's one kid. Take a chill pill.

One unwanted kid means one wanted one, who can't come. Numbers caps are for a reason.
Hope it goes well OP
I'd also be wondering why CF mum wants her DC to attend unrelated parties. Does he not have enough at his new school??

Nat6999 · 22/04/2024 21:47

Can't you block her so she doesn't see the invite?

rookiemere · 22/04/2024 21:53

As you don't want to set up another whatsapp group, I'd be very specific on this one.
"DD is having her party at XYZ on X date at x time. All of DDs current classmates are welcome, please let me know if your DC can make it. Due to party size restrictions no siblings please and only those in P7 at Warkham Junior. Thanks xx"

Crowgirl · 22/04/2024 22:15

Itradehorses · 22/04/2024 17:34

Minority opinion, but would it kill you to just invite the child. Seems a lot of work and a risk of drama and upset to exclude one child and its mother from what is otherwise an open invite. It would be a mistake to assume the other parents will support exclusionary efforts just because anonymous MNnetters haven't thought it through and have ideas about how you might go about it.

Agree. It's a whole class party - that usually means loads of space rather than limited numbers. Unless the child is awful or there's history. It's possible the kid isn't happy/ settled in their new school or is taking time adjusting and wants to see their old
friends/ peer group still.

Alittlebitwary · 22/04/2024 22:53

Aside from the party invites, am I the only one thinking how awful that the other mum is getting called a CF and she should be kicked out of the group, she has nothing to do with it etc?
If my child went to school and made friends there and I made friends with the other mums, it doesn't seem awful at all to me to want to stay in the group to keep in touch after they've moved, especially if she still sees some of the mums and kids. If the person invited the whole group, and she was in the group - then she might not have had particular reason to think it wasn't meant for her / her child - especially if she's still friends with the other mums!

Anyway based on this, I wouldn't just put it in the group and then expect her to know she's not invited - I'd specify it's for the school class only, or do separate invites. It's clearer and also much kinder.

Itradehorses · 22/04/2024 23:08

@MrsAvocet but they are still in the WhatsApp group and are part of that original community. And we don't know why they had to change schools, but if I was gambling, I'd say there was some trauma and a break down of relationships with the school. Otherwise why move to another school nearby.

Question for the OP. Why did the child change schools, was it something to do with SEN provision?

Banana1979 · 22/04/2024 23:11

Set up a birthday WhatsApp group with just the parents, you want to invite or message them individually

Original poster
Lochroy · 22/04/2024 23:18

To be clear, I don't think I've called her a CF, but I think the action of accepting an invitation is cheeky. Weird as it may be, I don't have a problem with her being in the group for organising drinks or seeing when some people post 'hey I'm going to soft play this weekend, anyone else want to come'.

There's no SEN provision or trauma or anything like that. The two schools involved are on opposite sides of town. The other works better for their daily logistics but they didn't get a Reception place, however they were able to then move.

I'd love to know if there's a correlation between posters saying 'it's just one child' and people who don't RSVP and then turn up, or turn up assuming it's ok for siblings too?

OP posts:
MalibuBarbieDreamHouse · 22/04/2024 23:41

My first thought was… it’s only one child but it is understandable if you do not have capacity and there’s children waiting. If she accepts the invite, a DM explaining the situation is reasonable and not something I think she would take personally. I wonder if another parent had told her to stay in the group and that they’d love to say in touch or something !?

Chances are they probably won’t be able to come anyway! If we attended all the parties my 2 children were invited to, we would have no time as a family and be living off party food and birthday cake!

crockofshite · 23/04/2024 00:19

Herecomesthesundoodoodoo · 22/04/2024 16:53

It’s really cheeky. Simply word your invitation clearly:

Mini Lochry would like to invite all of her friends in Mrs Blogg’s class/Class Woodland Creatures/however the classes are labelled to her party on X day at X venue. Please RSVP to me, Lochry.

If the mum really doesn’t get it and responds saying her DC can go, just reply saying sorry, only capacity for classmates as inviting friends outside of school.

Agree with this. Spells it out nice and clear, and the follow up message is good too

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 23/04/2024 00:37

Do the paper invite, and then message in WhatsApp "party invites are going into class, please keep an eye out for them in your child's bag. If you can't find it, please let me know!"

Codlingmoths · 23/04/2024 01:15

Lochroy · 22/04/2024 17:02

No, the mum is not particular friends with the other mum that she accepted the invitation from. That mum was really surprised, but is having a village hall party with no numbers cap, so has decided to just roll with it rather than have a potentially awkward chat. DD's party has a very fixed limit, and as mentioned, I need at least five to decline just to fit in everyone we would like to 😵‍💫

What is this bit?? What if 5 don’t decline??? I’d never do that!
if you’re inviting the group you invite the group. There is no way around that. You need to do your own group or your own invites. But you also need to only invite people you have space for!!

JanglingJack · 23/04/2024 01:24

I'd be relieved to hear - sorry your not invited 😂 well not me obviously. I know what I mean.

Peachy2005 · 23/04/2024 01:25

You might want to add ”Capacity is limited/numbers are capped by venue so please rsvp by X date and no extra siblings please”

ArtyFartyQueen · 23/04/2024 01:35

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 23/04/2024 00:37

Do the paper invite, and then message in WhatsApp "party invites are going into class, please keep an eye out for them in your child's bag. If you can't find it, please let me know!"

This is what I’d suggest to do too!

Birmingbacon · 23/04/2024 03:00

Just say “Susie would like to invite the whole of class 4 to her 9th birthday party on May 6th”

MariaVT65 · 23/04/2024 04:02

I think it sounds a bit weird and inappropriate for her to remain in a group specifically to discuss a class of children her child is no longer in, so I would ask admin to remove her tbh. Especially since you now know of at least 2 occasions including yourself that has caused awkwardness with party invites. Mention this.

Also nothing wrong with paper invites. That is what is still done at my son’s nursery.

If anything happens with this mum still takws it that her son is invited, nothing wrong with being honest with her. Say it’s for the class only, and your DC has not seen her DC since last year, therefore doesn’t consider them a close enough friend to invite.

rookiemere · 23/04/2024 07:04

If this is a soft play party or similar then the cost per head may be somewhere between £10-20. Those advocating be kind are really saying that the OP forks out her own money to prop up this clueless DM, whilst little Johnny should presumably be getting invites to whole class parties at his new school. Also shouldn't she be prioritising him making friends at his new school, rather than hanging on to a circle he isn't part of anymore ?

TheMuskratOfDestiny · 23/04/2024 07:06

Lochroy · 22/04/2024 16:49

Meh. That's a fuck ton more admin 😢

Then suck it up buttercup

WonderingWanda · 23/04/2024 07:10

The time it's taken you to post here and reply you could've written a generic invite, printed it 30 x and got your dd to write her friends names on it. It's not really that onerous.

Guavafish1 · 23/04/2024 07:46

Set up a whats app group for the birthday party and invite the people you want to invite

Original poster
Lochroy · 23/04/2024 10:40

@Codlingmoths Don't panic! The other five are not from the class.

  1. my other DC. I'm pretty sure at least one will decline and he can come
  2. a friend for him. The friend is booked for a play date that day and the mum knows the score. She's kindly got no problem waiting to see if there's a space or not
  3. 3x non class friends whom DD would like to invite. They are all separate friends so we will just invite them if/when other people decline

All of the above I will put ahead of the former class mate not seen since last July.

It's a good point from pp to mention that there isn't capacity for siblings. I must remember to mention that.

Thanks for the input, it's all very insightful.

OP posts:
OolongTeaDrinker · 23/04/2024 13:40

Alittlebitwary · 22/04/2024 22:53

Aside from the party invites, am I the only one thinking how awful that the other mum is getting called a CF and she should be kicked out of the group, she has nothing to do with it etc?
If my child went to school and made friends there and I made friends with the other mums, it doesn't seem awful at all to me to want to stay in the group to keep in touch after they've moved, especially if she still sees some of the mums and kids. If the person invited the whole group, and she was in the group - then she might not have had particular reason to think it wasn't meant for her / her child - especially if she's still friends with the other mums!

Anyway based on this, I wouldn't just put it in the group and then expect her to know she's not invited - I'd specify it's for the school class only, or do separate invites. It's clearer and also much kinder.

But it's a class whatsapp, not a social group for the mother who chose to move her child to another school. Surely if she had made such good friends with some of the other mums there would be a smaller whatsapp group she would be in - she could even set that up herself. I wouldn't want some random person whose child left the class x amount of time ago knowing my child had nits or whatever else the topic of the class whatsapp is that day - it's just weird that she can't move on.

MrsAvocet · 23/04/2024 15:04

OolongTeaDrinker · 23/04/2024 13:40

But it's a class whatsapp, not a social group for the mother who chose to move her child to another school. Surely if she had made such good friends with some of the other mums there would be a smaller whatsapp group she would be in - she could even set that up herself. I wouldn't want some random person whose child left the class x amount of time ago knowing my child had nits or whatever else the topic of the class whatsapp is that day - it's just weird that she can't move on.

Show quote history

I agree.
When I retired I left the department WhatsApp group, and if I hadn't done so I would have expected to be kicked out. I don't belong to that group any more and have no business either contributing to or effectively eavesdropping on their work related conversations. Quite a few of the department are my friends and I have kept in touch with them independently. But I am not their colleague any more.
When my DS goes to University in the Autumn I will leave his Sport's Club parents group too as I'll no longer be a part of that. It won't stop me chatting to the friends I have made there though, just outside off the group. I'd see a class WhatsApp in the same way.

bomi · 23/04/2024 17:21

Paper invites for sure