Thread 13 - TalkLair: “I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.”

[Kucinghitam]

(Previous thread 12).

Looks like spring has sprung! Tulips, apple blossom and early hay fever are upon us. In the TalkLair, we remain hunkered down keeping cosy and warm, because "something something 'til May is out". The hearth is glowing, the walls covered in dubious artwork, books by non-approved authors line the shelves, rugs are down on the floors (and assorted pets curled up on them).

We just won’t mention the gnawed bones of our prey over there in the corner of the cave…

Wow, Kuc - that must be infuriating but it really is extremely impressive. Did you remember to take the key away from him, or do you think he's left an upstairs window open, just in case he needs to gain access using the rope-ladder you didn't find?

I whispered to DH to pinch the house keys, but FiL has them attached to his belt loop! 🤦🏻‍♀️

The house is still full of stuff, despite the 4 offspring having put in many hours of taking stuff to charity shops and the tip. We can barely squeeze into the double garage.

FiL is talking about keeping the house "for people to stay in when they visit" despite us all pointing out that we have multiple spare bedrooms between us, in the same fucking city. We tried pointing out that he'd be paying twice, for bills and council tax etc, on the house and the flat. We tried pointing out that the house will need gardening and maintenance even if nobody is living there. FiL is adamant that he can afford to pay the bills and that he'll just "pop over" to mow the lawn and trim the hedges. (One major reason we wanted him to move was because we're terrified he'll do himself an injury trying to maintain his enormous garden!)

DH and siblings are supposed to be working on getting the house emptied and sold ASAP. But this doesn't seem to be happening.

There's something heroic about it, though I can see why that isn't the first word that comes to your mind.

The idea of mowing the lawn and trimming the hedges while using a walker is quite something. Would he sign an LPA (lasting power of attorney) or has that ship sailed? I have one for MrG - he's been getting me to deal with absolutely everything on the financial side for 20+ years, on the basis that otherwise it won't get done, and I haven't yet robbed him blind. At least this means people will talk to me, rather than talking to him and expecting him to deal with it! It also means that if he gets unreasonably intransigent - by which I mean objectively unreasonable (and "when", not "if") - I can deal with it.

DH and siblings have LPA. Their issue, I think, is a combination of feeling awkward about making a fuss above the others, not wanting to upset FiL, and "too many cooks."

Well, who knows, maybe the council will take a leaf out of Kent's book and double the council tax on empty property unless you put it on the market/rent it out? That should concentrate minds!

https://www.kentonline.co.uk/thanet/news/they-should-pay-a-premium-kent-s-second-home-owners-to-ha-305786/

Blimey, yes! That is a high level of determination, isn't it? How are you going to deal with it - offer to put it in storage?

When returning an item to Amazon, please make sure to check the box before posting.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-68918102

DH and I are in agreement that we should simply call a house clearance company and pay them to nuke it from orbit take everything away. Then market the house as "needs complete updating" at whatever price will guarantee a quick sale.

Problem is that DH can't quite bring himself to have that conversation with his siblings. They shilly-shally and make vague allusions and dance around the issues and avoid stating facts honestly and avoid and delay for fucking months. Same happened back when MiL was clearly showing signs of dementia and needed a diagnosis and a care plan, same as arranging FiL this place in sheltered accommodation, same as organising the LPA in the first place. (I find the cultural differences vastly frustrating).

It sounds entirely frustrating in general, I certainly don't envy you!

I think it's the waste of everyone's mental headspace in that sort of faffing, just as much as the waste of time, that's incredibly frustrating.

I find the cultural differences vastly frustrating

So do me and Mr Veg @Kucinghitam and we're part of the culture. My dad can no longer walk and he's very overweight and my step-mother was trying to push him around the house in an ancient, very basic wheelchair, messing up her knees and back in the process. Whenever we said about finding another way, all we got back was a cheery 'Oh, we'll manage!' but it was very clear that they weren't managing, at all. In the end, Mr Veg ordered an electric wheelchair, set it up for my dad and it was grudgingly agreed to be life-changing.

It was similar with an elderly client of mine. He'd potter in the garden, bag up the rubbish but never get rid of it. I offered to do it and he'd refuse, saying his sister in law would take care of it for him, but she's only a couple of years younger than him and has her own issues. Meanwhile the bags of rubbish were piling up, getting grottier all the time and rats were being seen. At the end of one winter, the slabs in his garden needed cleaning so we took the opportunity to get rid of all the rubbish he'd piled up and I now insist that taking garden waste away is part of my job. At that point he backed down.

I see it all the time with some older people, they can get so stubborn. It's entirely understandable that people want to keep their independence, but a line has to be drawn somewhere. Sometimes stepping in and just doing the needful yourself seems to be the only way to sort things out. There may be short term resentment, but eventually it has to be done.

Thoroughly sympathise Kuc and Vegemite.

My Mum went through it with her elderly parents and she is determined not to inflict the same on us (she says!). She has made some decent attempts at decluttering, sorting out LPAs and organising her paperwork into a single folder so "if she gets knocked down by a bus" we know where to find everything - which is excellent. She has been thinking about downsizing for a couple of years now though, but can't quite bring herself to do it even though her house if far too big for her. She is still in excellent health though, so it feels mean to push too hard on this.

Am just thankful that after her last move when she upsized(!) in order to be able to accommodate all the grandchildren she eventually was persuaded to opt for suburbia with public transport, health services and shops rather than her original plan of relocating to the countryside with a big garden and ducks and chickens ("for the grandchildren"). She cannot accept there will come a time when she might not be able to drive. She's thankfully fine for the moment, but I am still slightly apprehensive for the future.

We're also facing the driving issue, Winterborne74. MIL is quite status oriented and loves having a nice car, but finds it hard to accept she doesn't have a champagne budget and would be better off financially using a taxi. We loaned her enough to pay off the current car only for her to go in to pay it off and get talked into buying a new one! It's so frustrating as well as expensive.

The driving issue is a nightmare. It was solved for us when my sister, BIL and kids came over on a visit from the Anti-Podes and went out with my mother, then in her early 70s. After a white-knuckle experience, BIL took over the driving, drove home via a second-hand dealership, SOLD her car (documents were in the glove box) and when they got home he cancelled the insurance, made her return her licence to the DVLA and rang the GP to alert him. The roads of Dorset were a safer place after that. She took it like a lamb, presumably because He Is A Man, and decided it had all been her own idea.

Is 'early 70s' that old? You'll be taking my licence from my cold, dead hands!

But it's a bleak thought.

A woman I knew was still driving in her early 90s and I heard neighbours say about her regularly scraping other cars. It was only when she started falling asleep at the wheel that she was persuaded to stop driving. As one of her neighbours told me, 'At that point, the village said thanks'. I should think it did too.

@duc748 - of course not! Given my age, it can't be. But the Ma was well on the way down Bonkers Highway and had always been a terrifying driver. She didn't learn until she was about 60 and never really got the hang of corners. (I have observed, locally, that this seems to be a problem!) Without the car, she became terrifyingly fit and at 86, in an Alzheimers care home, "escaped" with her suitcase through a sash window into the garden, where everyone was having tea. They had to point out that this was unnecessary, as all the doors were open.

Neither of is has owned a car since 1992, and we haven't driven apart from rentals on holiday. We lived in London, then in various forrin cities, and just didn't bother when we came back. We should probably get some sort of "Green Righteousness" award, but public transport is really very good around here and there are minicabs with lovely drivers who tell me about their home towns and teach me bits of Albanian/Bulgarian/whatever. And our legs still work!

We moved from our house in the country back into Portland six years ago, when I was 68, for exactly the reason that you couldn't go anywhere from that house without a car - the nearest shop was two and a half miles away and there was no public transport at all. Where we are now is one block from the bus stop on the main road - they only come once an hour but that's better than no bus. The supermarket is half a mile away and as long as it's not a Maine winter it's an easy walk (and if the weather's rotten they deliver). Public transport outside our city is non-existent, other than trains to other cities, but DH's cousin, who is 80 and lives three miles (or a bus ride) from us, hasn't had a car for a decade now and manages to do everything he wants to do. DH is 81 and I'm 74 but both of us still seem to be OK driving, even at night. Quite a few of my same-age acquaintances don't like to drive at night any more.

@Britinme Where we are now is one block from the bus stop on the main road - they only come once an hour but that's better than no bus.

Whereas when I say public transport is good here, in tiny-inbred-town, I mean 8 buses an hour in each direction, on various routes. The bus stops are on the main road 5 minutes away, though one goes down our road and Phil the driver just stops anywhere if you wave at him. He also knows where everyone lives and drops people as close to as possible to their door. There's also a railway station, maybe 10 minutes away if you have to wait at the traffic lights, with direct trains to London. Not that anyone goes to London. Oh, the horror!

That sounds very good for a small town; public transport was pretty dismal in the small town I used to live in, but much better here, in a bigger place. Unfortunately they've decided to lengthen the platform at our local halt, and replace the bridge. Which means the main road 50 m away will be closed in one direction until November, FFS, so it'll be traffic chaos here. But yeah, I should walk more! 😀

That's amazingly good public transport for a small town @Gonners!

That sounds so very frustrating @Kucinghitam. My friend is having similar problems with her 90 year old dad. He had a car accident on the motorway last year, my friend was in the car too. Fortunately it was at 50ish rather than 70 and no one was seriously injured (although it's exacerbated leg and back problems for my friend, who already has a steel rod on her leg) but it wrote off the car and he's stopped driving now. She lives round the corner from him so is able to check on him often, but he's very independent (or wants to be) which she finds stressful. I'm not sure what will happen with my mum when she gets older. She lives in north yorks and my brother is reasonably local atm but not sure how long for. I have almost no relationship with her but I know the guilt will eat away at me when she's at the point where she needs care. How are your parents doing?

Just had the cat vet here for Kasper's annual check up and vaccinations. He was petrified last time, even on 100 mg of gabapentin so I've been quite stressed about it. I only managed to get 50 mg into him today as he was Suspicious but he was so brave and even seemed to enjoy the fuss eventually. He got a glowing health report and his gingivitis has gone from moderate to mild, so won't need any dental treatment which is a huge relief. I'm so proud of my boy 😻I'm keeping a close eye on him this afternoon as the gaba makes him very unsteady. He's already fallen off the windowsill (I managed to catch him) and did an accidental backwards roly poly while receiving lick e lix.

1st of May

I have washed my face in the dew and am now cuddling a cat and drinking tea. I live in hope that we'll have a summer.

Temperatures have warmed up a bit these past couple of days, and it was beautifully sunny all of yesterday. This morning a cloud has descended upon our street - literally - it's suddenly gone foggy just on our road. Weird.

Anyway I no longer care about outside temperatures, because my heated furry throw arrived yesterday and it is lush 😍and super warm.

I'm very glad that FiL stopped driving several decades ago (he went blind in one eye), otherwise I'm 100% certain that would have been yet another battle. DH has done nothing! nothing! about even WhatsApping his siblings, just been moaning at me all week that he's worried about FiL's house situation. FFS.