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Original poster

Row with DH re elderly care home

113 replies

tiredsotired81 · 13/04/2024 08:06

Husband and I have had a row just now. My elderly father is in a care home with dementia and immobility issues. My parents had quite a bit of savings so they are paying for a private care home. Not the most expensive one in the area but not the cheapest. Obviously their savings will be disappearing each month while mum lives in their home still. Always a horrible situation.

DH has started going on about how people should manage their finances better and if it was him he would give all his savings to our DC and then have no savings of his own, and let the council pay for his care (if needed). I pointed out the quality of his care would then likely be miserable. He asked whether a more expensive home really made a difference to the quality of my father's life given all he does is sit in a chair all day and could do that anywhere.

I lost my cool trying to argue the point with his that it's not that simple or straightforward and he was sounding very naive not to mention unkind and cruel.

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 13/04/2024 08:07

If you do that it can be counted as deprivation of assets and wouldn’t work in your favour
Also, large monetary gifts come with all sorts of tax and inheritance implications
your husband sounds very unkind to be honest

AGlinnerOfHope · 13/04/2024 08:10

I think you are entirely right.

However, he can think that if he likes about himself but he has no right to an opinion on other people’s decisions.
And ask him not to comment on upsetting things when you are already very stressed.

I’d want some assurance he won’t pack me off to the cheapest place.
Ask if he’s sure he’d feel the same when he was entirely dependent and you are making the decisions.

AGlinnerOfHope · 13/04/2024 08:12

He’s also driving up the costs for everyone else.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Care homes Dementia & alzheimer's General money
LeaveTheClocksAlone · 13/04/2024 08:14

He's clearly pissed off that you won't get a hefty inheritance

Happyinarcon · 13/04/2024 08:16

I think you’re both right. In a functioning system your father would be well taken care of without having to eat into his savings. It’s a shame he is in this situation and I hope down the track things will change for the better.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 13/04/2024 08:18

All the authorities are on to this , and have been for years. Ours has full time officers just combing through finances to discover the dickheads who honestly think that they can ‘hide’ peoples money so they don’t have to pay for their own care.

Two doors down was forcibly sold to recoup the care costs.

reluctantbrit · 13/04/2024 08:18

Lovely partner.

I just moved my mum into a care home as she is not mobile anymore after a bad hip break and her rental flat is utterly unsuitable.

Her savings will be eaten up, I most likely will have to pay back the funds she gifted me 3 years ago and I pay €4000 out of our own savings to pay someone to clear the flat and make it good for the landlord.

DH's reaction - "do it, we have the money and we don't have the time and energy to do it ourselves. You have enough to do with the admin side of it".

If he would have moaned about every Euro I paid over the last 3 months to fly back and forth and pay for her comfort, he would have to look for a new home for himself.

savoycabbage · 13/04/2024 08:19

I lost my cool trying to argue the point with his that it's not that simple or straightforward and he was sounding very naive not to mention unkind and cruel.

I bet you did! And you are right on all counts.

He can do what he likes I suppose. He can have no control over his own life when he's fragile and vulnerable if that's what he wants to do. He can cheat the system. What your parents do with their money is nothing to with him and it's weird that he thinks it is.,

I'm sorry about your parents.

savoycabbage · 13/04/2024 08:21

Two doors down was forcibly sold to recoup the care costs.

This happened to my cousins. They weren't prepared for it at all and had to clear the house in a very short time. It was very stressful and also it was embarrassing for them. People were asking why everything was happening so fast and they had to talk about things they didn't want to talk about.

Bewareofthisonetoo · 13/04/2024 08:22

People should fund their own care so he is being completely unreasonable expecting everyone except himself to pay for his care! In European countries, relatives have to pay for care if the elderly run out of funds. That’s what savings are for.

Octavia64 · 13/04/2024 08:22

People with dementia can get very distressed if their care isn't meeting their needs.

Your husband is unreasonable (but he can make that decision for himself if he wants to).

PamPamPamPam · 13/04/2024 08:26

How dare he?! So your parents have made adequate provision to be cared for in comfort and your husband is annoyed because it will mean he doesn't get his hands on their money? Does he usually feel like he has a day in how other people spend their money?

And how appalling for him to say that all your dad does is sit in a chair-that does not mean he does not deserve to be treated with care, dignity and respect- especially given that he is paying for it himself!

I'm sorry but this would make me wonder what my husband would do if I was ever in a situation where I needed care. Would he find the cheapest possible option to save himself the money?

LittleWeed2 · 13/04/2024 08:27

I would say he is ignorant of the rules, not having had to deal with this up til now.
Once he realises what the rules are he’ll (have to) accept it.

PressStud · 13/04/2024 08:31

How dare he?! So your parents have made adequate provision to be cared for in comfort and your husband is annoyed because it will mean he doesn't get his hands on their money? Does he usually feel like he has a day in how other people spend their money?

Exactly. Where does it end? Does he think all money people earn should he set aside for their children?

helpfulperson · 13/04/2024 08:36

however he is quite possibly right about more expensive not being necessarily being better. Often the expense goes on fancy stuff residents don't appreciate. Both my parents were in slightly scruffy, cheaper homes but the care was second to none.

Divebar2021 · 13/04/2024 08:36

There’s a certain sort of man ( I’ve only noticed it in men) who put the financial aspect at the forefront above any other issue. You look at a beautiful piece of art and you’re thinking about the emotions or the technique and they’re thinking about the value. I don’t understand it.
I was told yesterday about an elderly lady who has moved in with her sister to care for her as she has been very ill. She’s given up her flat and is paying for storage for her furniture. The sisters son has been stroppy and made comments that he hopes she’s paying her way. ( the money is more important than the care of his mother that he isn’t bothered to do himself).

saraclara · 13/04/2024 08:46

Yep. He's annoyed about 'his' (your) inheritance.

But for those whose parents don't get a choice of care home... my MIL 's council owned and run care home was vastly better than my mum's Bupa one.

RosesAndHellebores · 13/04/2024 08:46

They didn't structure their finances 7 to 10 years ago so it's too late now.

Parents should have the best possible care available to them. If your father needs clinically required nursing care rather than social care, there is an argument that the state must pay and a loophole. Do some googling @tiredsotired81 - many applications fkr this are successful but you will have to equip yourself with knowledge and become an advocate.

The best homes around here are £78k per annum. I would want nothing less.

Sadly I think people plan for this too late.

It's a cruel time, my grandmother was in an NHS nursing home with severe alzheimers for 7 years. Did she survive 7 years because of the care or was she physically very robust? She had zero quality of life for the last 4/5 years and it was not a mercy she lived there for 7.

Hoppinggreen · 13/04/2024 08:48

Well firstly hes a grabby fucker and secondly hes stupid because it wouldnt work anyway, it would be deprivation of assets

InAMillion · 13/04/2024 08:56

Clearly he has no financial acumen and grasp of how the law works

sleepyscientist · 13/04/2024 09:08

Unfortunately it's too late to do anything about it now. I can see both points of view it's your parent's money to spend how they wish. However me and my husband do not want to be cared for in old age our limit is a cleaner and a gardener if we can't manage with that we would rather not be here. We would defiantly see it as a waste to spend money on a nice care home if we aren't cognitively aware of the situation and limited to a chair.

DS will get everything but the estate planning started before he was born.

Ladyj84 · 13/04/2024 09:17

My grandma was in a council run home and she got moved to a private 7months ago and what a difference in care. My grandad passed away last month and the savings will be eaten by care home but we are all of the opinion they earned it and they deserve the best care that can be managed. Now I'm sure not all council homes are horrid but the 3 I've known from family being in them were not nice places and if there's money then family deserve the best when old if unable to be cared for at home.

hatgirl · 13/04/2024 09:34

Have your parents had a proper financial assessment from the local authority?

There is so much bad advice and misunderstanding out there about how these things work (I won't name names but a few posters even on this thread clearly have no idea what they are talking about).

Only your dad's income and savings will be taken into account for the care home (the house is disregarded as long as your mum is living in it) so even if they have a lot of savings if they are in joint names then only half of these can be taken for care home fees and once your dad's half reaches £24k then the local authority may contribute depending on his income from pensions etc. At that point your mum could choose to 'Top up' the difference between what the council will pay and the cost of the care home from her share of the savings to keep him where he is if that is required.

I've never understood why some people prioritise inheritance over good care for elderly relatives.

I've been in many many care homes though and I have to agree that cost doesn't always = quality.

FiveShelties · 13/04/2024 09:35

How would he feel if it was his Dad?