Row with DH re elderly care home

[tiredsotired81]

Husband and I have had a row just now. My elderly father is in a care home with dementia and immobility issues. My parents had quite a bit of savings so they are paying for a private care home. Not the most expensive one in the area but not the cheapest. Obviously their savings will be disappearing each month while mum lives in their home still. Always a horrible situation.

DH has started going on about how people should manage their finances better and if it was him he would give all his savings to our DC and then have no savings of his own, and let the council pay for his care (if needed). I pointed out the quality of his care would then likely be miserable. He asked whether a more expensive home really made a difference to the quality of my father's life given all he does is sit in a chair all day and could do that anywhere.

I lost my cool trying to argue the point with his that it's not that simple or straightforward and he was sounding very naive not to mention unkind and cruel.

He's got his eyes on your inheritance. How bloody awful is that man. Hope you've got him told.

I'm a supporter of IHT, and a reformed levy for social care. But surely it's obvious why people care what happens to money after they die?

If you were a homeowner and given a free choice between your house being sold after you die and the proceeds given to your children/grandchildren to make their lives easier or just taken by the Treasury, would you really say "I don't care which happens"? In the society we live in, that chunk of funds could make a huge difference to your descendants' lives. Unless they're far wealthier than you of course. I assume Ed Sheeran's mum isn't worrying too much about IHT planning.

I am that home owner. I’ll be dead.

@tiredsotired81 we have discussed our desire for medical interventions and have that documented/witnessed. We support assisted dying and would be prepared to travel to Switzerland but hope by that age it will be legal in this country.

So you're completely neutral between your grandchildren having the deposit each on a house/children having a comfortable retirement, or not?

If you have descendants, and if they're not 100% financially comfortable then I'd say that's an unusually solipsistic position. Most parents do care quite a lot about their descendants' future.

Perhaps that’s from a primitive belief in immortality. I neither know nor care what happens when I’m dead. It would give me no pain or pleasure and if they got nothing they’d be in exactly the same position as if I’d spent the lot. 🤷‍♀️ It really seems to upset people when you genuinely don’t care.

I think that is a genuinely unusual position. Lots of people don't much care about what happens to other people after they die, but I'd say that most parents value their children's comfort and happiness as a good in its own right, rather than only valuing it insofar as it makes them feel good.

I agree this is an unusual idea. I want my kids to have money from my house/bank ac so that their lives can be easier, that they can buy themselves a house, they can get stuff they need and afford to go on holiday. How can you feel neutral towards your kids managing better vs managing worse?

How can you feel neutral towards your kids managing better vs managing worse?

I think it’s the third time I’ve said it now - because I’ll be dead. Fortunately their happiness isn’t dependent on money.

I agree. It is a medical condition, but it isn't classed as such when it comes to funding. Nursing fees are rarely paid for by the NHS for dementia

@Flopsythebunny which “nursing actions” do you mean that aren’t covered?

That’s because there isn’t any nursing. It’s all supervision and personal care.

vast numbers of people receive the funded nursing contribution for nursing needs related to dementia.

In most nursing homes nearly everyone living there will be in receipt of it.

People with dementia who live in residential care homes probably won't receive the funded nursing contribution because if they are in residential rather than nursing care it means they don't have nursing care level needs.

The funded nursing contribution is the NHS payment to pay for the cost of meeting a persons nursing needs, their none nursing needs will still be paid for by the person/the local authority. The funded nursing contribution in England is currently £235.88 per week

in exceptional cases some people with dementia will have nursing needs that are of a nature that they are so complex, unpredictable and intense that they qualify for Fully Funded Continuing Healthcare because the funded nursing contribution isn't enough to cover the cost of meeting their nursing needs.