How can DS find friends/a GF?

[WidenWilden]

No criticism please - I am no helicopter parent.

DS (18) is a lovely chap but not very sociable. He is happy at home and like his parents, an introvert. He'd very much like a girlfriend but he finds the girls at college uber intimidating, and far more worldly wise than him (he has mild SEN). He's never really had a friendship group, and the kids he did use to hang out with are all into weed now, so DS has drifted away from them.

There's no way he'd join Tinder or the like, for fear college peers would find and catfish him. Ideally he'd like to have friends/a girlfriend organically, but that's just not happened, despite him being a caring soul who is good company and funny to boot.

Any suggestions for things he could do/organisations he could join where he could meet people his age that are like him? He's tried Rangers (lame apparently) does a sport hobby but it's all male. He's no interest in St Johns Ambulance, and doesn't have the confidence to get a job yet, plus there's not much around where we live.

I've told him I'm asking on here, and he's all 'oh, God, mum', but I think inside he's hopeful you lot will come up with some ideas!

NB he may go to Uni if he gets the grades, but it would be in 2025, so that's a long time to wait!

What a lovely mum you sound.

I know this may not seem great advice but is he into online communication like gaming? My son really connects better online and is autistic.

could he volunteer in a charity shop? Would get him out the house interacting with people and build his CV a little bit for when he’s ready for a ‘proper’ job

A job is the way to go and getting one will build confidence. If he works somewhere with lots of other students he will meet lots of people and I always found, when younger, that it was much easier to talk to people and make friends at work than anywhere else.

Thank you @Pantaloons99
DS does game, though not excessively. He does chat to people on there and has acquaintances, but nothing that he counts as friendships, I think he wants real world contact.

@Chilto and @CuttingMeOpenthenHealingMeFine

I think you are right, a job (volunteer or paid) would do him the world of good.

But he's introvert - working in a cafe/shop would completely deplete his resources.
Maybe a charity shop would be the way to go, slower pace and low demand. He'd probably only agree if it was the next town over in case he bumped into anyone from college though!

Any other job type ideas?

He’s still very young. Lots of 18 year olds (and older) have never had a girlfriend. Theres nothing wrong with that.

My advice would be that he is best off concentrating on building his own life - finding hobbies and activities that interest him, getting a PT job, things like that. In doing so he’ll meet more people who are more like him.

The thing about school and college is that it’s a fairly random peer group. You don’t necessarily have anything in common with them other than that you attend the same
institution and do the same (pretty broad) subjects. But, as you specialise more (interests, education or work), you start to meet greater numbers of more like minded people you might form long lasting friendships with.

He’s only 18. He’ll get there.

What are his interests? The environment / animals / tech / sport?

My eldest is very introverted (and autistic). He volunteered for a few years in a charity shop and it really helped him. He works in hospitality now - and is fine in dealing with the public all the time.

A running club? You really don't have to be sporty or good at running if you find the right club. Most running clubs these days have a wide range of abilities. The only issue is that a lot of them are lacking young women but I think most will have some and as a minimum he will meet people.

I think getting a job would help. If he’s in to sport maybe a part time job in a gym/leisure centre. Or even just to join a gym, rather than a big chain maybe a smaller privately owned community type gym. Or something like a CrossFit/hyrox group. They are really good for meeting people and making friends.

Yes, I agree, he's still young!

It's just he sees many people he knows having a bigger life than he has, and he wants some of that. He just doesn't want THEIR life (partying, drugs etc).

He says he feels like a spectator and doesn't know how to build himself a life when he has no peer group to do it with.

He sounds very similar to my DS! Where do you live ? Perhaps they can be friends with each other.

It’s really hard. I have the same concerns but no magic answers

He's part of a football team, but finds the other boys very alpha, for want of a better word. He's not into running - finds it boring.

He joined a gym, but found it intimidating, plus he 'felt a loser' going on his own, so only went a few times. Jobs in places like that are fiercely fought for round here, so not an easy fix.

In my head, Rangers or St John's would be a good fit (aside from a charity shop job) - any ideas along those lines?

Thank you for all your suggestions btw!

Do you live rurally or near the coast? My DS is very active on the water - wind surfing, paddle boarding, kayaking - there are lots of clubs, and lots of potential for becoming part of a healthy friendship group. If not water activities, then climbing, hiking etc? I think he should concentrate on finding people in general to socialise with, and he will soon find he is living life rather than watching it go by.

I came on to suggest volunteering and see others have. Does he like animals - of so could volunteer at a rescue centre? A charity shop is a possibility too but less likely to meet young women I imagine.

Is he political? Could join and get involved in his local Labour/Conservative party? (I accept I may be thinking too far outside the box now).

Does he like pubs? Local pub pool/darts team?

I presume he's not religious? Lots of religions have youth groups.

Amateur dramatics? Performing or back stage?

Manning a polling station?

I feel like these suggestions are a bit random tho as each one would only appeal to a niche group of people.

What are his passions? Would be best to use those to find something to get involved in - then he will be meeting friends/possible love interests who love the same things he does.....

What about a martial arts club? Might boost his confidence and make friends

My DS did really well volunteering as a beavers leader. He did that from 15 onwards, as a young leader then became a leader. I’m not sure how helpful he was as a leader, but he was there and could set up/tidy up/help make sure things ran.

It sounds odd for an introvert, but a group of young boys just isn’t the same as interacting with peers. And the other leaders were not a problem - it’s a different kind of social situation.

He also joined a D&D club at college and made friends there.

Please don’t assume that he has to be an extrovert to work in hospitality, or that he has to get on really well with everyone he meets there!

I think hospitality is fantastic for teens especially boys, as it teaches them some domestic skills (on an industrial scale) and also incredible people skills just from people watching and observing.

If he worked in a standardised chain like McDonalds or Starbucks, he might have a bit less intense interacting to do?

All the boys / men I worked with in my many many many table-waiting jobs seemed to end up competent hosts and clearers up at least and immaculately tidy and great cooks at bests.

Would he consider a church group? Churches usually have evening groups that are social rather than religious events.
Find a vibrant church (usually one in a city that students go to). Their youth groups can be very busy annd welcoming, and likely more girls than boys in my experience!

This is another good idea. I find many scouts/brownies/guides leaders are quite introverted. I am one myself. But it’s a good way to meet people and make friends

Do you have a Macdonald’s near you? They have a great team social side if he can get a job there.

Almost all the volunteer groups I've been in have been female dominated. Could he do some football coaching, he could then make friends with the other volunteers. At university, I was in a girls football team and there was a lot of dating and socialising with the same age boys who volunteered to coach us.

Otherwise he should try a few hobbies - there is a ready made social life at a lot of them, so whatever he fancies - canoeing, ten pin bowling,dog agility - whatever takes his fancy. He'll know his tribe when he finds it, good luck to him.

I can sort of see DS doing that, but he wouldn't meet many peers doing that. Hence why I thought Rangers (I meant Explorers, not Rangers!) but it wasn't for him.

He's also anavowed atheist and completely disinterested in politics (frustratingly).

He's worried about working somewhere like McDs (and I love your reasoning @theusualwednesday
@theusualwednesday
in case anyone he knows comes in and rips the piss out of him. I can understand that tbh.

It might be worth him contacting his local volunteer bureau. They sometimes have social prescriber's that can help with young people's confidence and social life/skills. Is there a local heritage railway nearby that needs volunteers ? Some charities are looking for befrienders which is telephone based. I'm in a similar situation with my eldest son x sending hugs x

Would he look at something along the lines of working as a part-time kitchen porter or another non-waiting role in a restaurant? There are lots of jobs out there other than McD's and fast food places, and there is sociability involved with the other staff but he wouldn't have to deal with the general public.

DD has worked in hospitality since she was 18 and made lots of friends that way.