How can DS find friends/a GF?

[WidenWilden]

No criticism please - I am no helicopter parent.

DS (18) is a lovely chap but not very sociable. He is happy at home and like his parents, an introvert. He'd very much like a girlfriend but he finds the girls at college uber intimidating, and far more worldly wise than him (he has mild SEN). He's never really had a friendship group, and the kids he did use to hang out with are all into weed now, so DS has drifted away from them.

There's no way he'd join Tinder or the like, for fear college peers would find and catfish him. Ideally he'd like to have friends/a girlfriend organically, but that's just not happened, despite him being a caring soul who is good company and funny to boot.

Any suggestions for things he could do/organisations he could join where he could meet people his age that are like him? He's tried Rangers (lame apparently) does a sport hobby but it's all male. He's no interest in St Johns Ambulance, and doesn't have the confidence to get a job yet, plus there's not much around where we live.

I've told him I'm asking on here, and he's all 'oh, God, mum', but I think inside he's hopeful you lot will come up with some ideas!

NB he may go to Uni if he gets the grades, but it would be in 2025, so that's a long time to wait!

How is he around girls though? If he's intimidated by girls at college he might find that generally. I think the best thing my DS did (at our encouragement) is spend more time around girls. He had brothers, loved football and gaming and went to a boys school so needed to spend time with the opposite sex in a casual way. I'm not sure if Charity shops have many young people? Maybe something with animals would have girls of his age there though.

He got retail jobs (places like Footlocker/H&M) which had predominantly female staff, made some friends. The girls there suggested he joined their gym and he ended up doing the classes as more girls tend to do these apparently. I think at one point he was even doing yoga. Then has sort of became part of a mixed friendship group through this. He has been 'seeing' a girl he met in this group for a while now.

Anything to do with horses. I was watching a teenage boy complaining that the other boys at school didn't think riding was a real sport. The six teenage girls in the café attached to the riding school with whom he was sitting clucked their disapproval of this view. One of the rare boys, a 12 year old, told me he was closer to getting a girlfriend than all the other boys at his school who didn't ride.

I am sure there are other female dominated or at least co-ed sports. Riding is a bit on the expensive side. Lots of the girls volunteer at stables in return for lessons though.

If he doesn't plan to go to uni until 2025, what's he going to do for a year? He will need to get a job, at the very least, but does he have plans for his year out? If not, he really needs to get his thinking cap on, because a gap year can be a great opportunity to gain some RL experience and meet other people - male or female and of all ages. Does his school/college have a careers dept? Do they provide help for students planning a gap year? TBH, that's where he should start and the friends will hopefully come from what he decides to do.

Youth mentoring or advocacy? Sounds like he is quite sociable but shy, sp could be a good shout.

Have you spoken to your village agent? They might know or more groups, we have a men’s shed and a repair cafe which is gaining a good reputation.

Fishing/angling?

Duke or Edinburgh? Or maybe a Level 2 type college course in something totally different to what he is currently studying- like water colours, sewing, upholstery evening class type thing?

I was very introverted as a teenager and what was actually the making of me was a retail job. I think in this situation I'd be encouraging him to push outside of his comfort zone.

I'm still an introvert, btw, but consider that a strength these days rather than a weakness because I'm reflective, don't go all guns blazing and am a good listener. I'm also a teacher so being introverted is no barrier to future success.

@WidenWilden i think the focus should be on keeping himself busy doing things he enjoys and help him grow, rather than trying to meet people to be friends with/find a girlfriend.

Friends and girlfriends tend to find you as you busy yourself with your life. And it works out better that way because they already fit into your life in some context or other.

He might meet quite a lot of people through scout leading - there are district groups and events, training, etc.

He sounds very risk averse, as you've offered him lot of really sensible solutions to get him out into the world meeting people and he has a reason none of them is a goer. I know you mentioned SEN but is there a way of helping him see that some short term uncomfortable feelings will lead to much greater social gains? People might laugh at him for working in Maccy Ds but the kind of person who'd do that will always find something to laugh at if that's what they want to do. He could waste a lifetime of not doing things because someone might laugh.

Well the first thing he needs to understand is that women are people too. Seeing them as a separate 'girl' category is extremely off-putting.

I met my shy, autistic gamer husband at work. Luckily for him I was bold enough to make my move. But we were friends first, are both software engineers and into similar things like board games. As it happens I also pole dance and there are men too, but my husband would never get on with any of the other girls there. He'd run a mile in the opposite direction! It's not them, it's him, he's not a great conversationalist and finds a lot of normal chat boring and confusing.

Board games, coding, maybe go to some local developer meetups and work on things with people who also live locally. He needs to do what he likes. There's little point in targeting 'female-heavy' activities to find a GF. He'll not only seems like a creep, but will also seem out of his depth/find them intimidating. Not attractive.

He really needs to get a job or do volunteering; or both. He’ll only gain confidence by getting out and doing more - even if it’s hard initially. I’m quite surprised to hear of an 18 year old who hasn’t had a job already. He shouldn’t do things just to find a GF-do it for himself, build his network and confidence.

Doing a few shifts at a nearby food-bank? It’s often only a few hours and has lots of young volunteers (and their youthful strength is much appreciated) in the storeroom…

In terms of meeting people & making different friends/relationships, hospitality jobs at that age are often the way to go! Lots of opportunities to chat & every pub I worked in while at sixth form and uni was like a big group of friends by day 2 on the job! X

Your DS's college sounds pretty different to the sixth form where I teach, in that pretty much all my sixth formers have jobs and don't see it as anything embarrassing!

That said, maybe some of these suggestions will be useful:

-Are there any types of social groups at college which are mixed sex? We have various clubs for sixth formers, some relating to future careers, some relating to general interests, some relating to things like sustainability etc. These would be a great way to mix with peers and make friends.

-A lot of the young people I teach seem to be into climbing at the moment. It's a less alpha/more friendly seeming crowd than football etc, and there are often social nights etc where they climb or boulder together. He sounds like he's reasonably physically fit, so it could be a good way to meet people who may be more his "tribe".

-Possibly too late in the year to start up, but would he try something like DofE/ten tors? This can be a great way to make friendships and meet people!

-Is there anyone in his classes who he sees as a potential friend/girlfriend? There are very likely others who feel lonely too. He sounds like someone who won't make the first move, but if he was willing to ask someone if they fancied getting lunch or studying together, it could really help?

I get that mild SEN can make things tricky, but I do teach students of this age group who have ASD and similar, and the ones who are willing to be brave and put themselves out there (I accept this is really hard) do tend to manage to establish friendships and relationships if that's what they want.

Will his classes mix up a bit next year?

Surely all the girls at college aren't super confident? There are likely to be a few quiet, shy ones - maybe he's overlooked them? (I have a shy 18yo DS and his girlfriend is in his year group and is also shy.)

How about volunteering at an animal shelter or a national trust cafe or tea room or museum ?

Paid jobs wise, cinema, bowling alley, or stacking shelves at Tesco. All people based but not in your face people like a pub/restaurants. At 16 I worked at a supermarket and loved my colleagues as many were young, inexperienced and got to know them at social stuff.

He needs to find his people, and while he’s doing that, also work on his physical attractiveness: go to the gym a few times a week, get some muscles so that when he does meet a girl he clicks with, she physically fancies him. The world is full of skinny pale introverted male teenage gamers wondering why they’re single.

What will not work at all is to go to places he hates, hoping that women there will love him. He won’t find girls that who he clicks with. He also needs to stop spending all his free time in male dominated hobbies.

Places where introverts sometimes find love…

• Local amateur drama club, there will be several.
• Local rock climbing club.
• Salsa/ceroc or similar paired dance classes. If he doesn’t meet anyone, at least he’ll become a good dancer who can impress his future wife when he eventually meets her.
• Eco-warrior or protection of animals type volunteering, if he has a genuine interest.
• Overseas voluntary work holiday. I did these kind of things when younger, they were fab and I met amazing guys there https://www.concordia.org.uk/
• Pizza Express job. Everytime I go there all the teenage staff are too busy flirting with each other to bring me a menu, he might as well join in.
• Yoga / meditation retreat.

Surprised by people mentioning charity shops, surely the volunteers are all grey-haired!

Make sure also that he knows that he should treat girls as normal people ie not to seem over eager when he first meets a girl, there’s nothing creepier than going to an activity and finding an over-excited dude grinning hopefully at you.

Does he want a pen/message friend? He sounds like a perfect match for my DD 16 😂 we live quite remotely so it’s hard for her to meet people. We also home school. Like your DS she’s a really cool kid but feels lonely sometimes 😕

What about volunteering but not a shop. The hospital in the town I live in has them and it often leads to work, or an animal or homeless charity.

We live rurally and three of my kids spent their gap year working in the local charity shop (one of the kids is ND). It was great for learning some essential skills - dealing with people, how a till works, stock in/stock out, and general socialising. It helped with their social skills before they went off to Uni and gave them some experience for their CVs so they could walk into retail jobs while they were at Uni.

I'd also suggest volunteer Ranger work at a local National Park if you have one.

Horse riding is a good shout as there is an absolute dearth of men there and a lot of single girls.

Same goes for dance classes.

The issue with volunteering is that there isn’t likely to be many people his own age there.

You can’t encourage this mindset that if he works in McD’s then people he knows might come in and make fun of him. So what? That can happen anywhere and the vast majority of teenagers are going to have those kind of jobs, it’s not something to be embarrassed about. Most customers don’t even really notice who is serving them at the drive thru for instance, the perks for him of working somewhere like that is that it’s full of young people who work there and will chat while on shift (but no pressure on social interaction as it’s busy), there is an instant thing in common (work, having a moan to each other about the difficult customer earlier, hating the manager etc) and often socialising outside of the job.

I am very, very shy and can suffer quite badly from social anxiety but in a work setting I can talk to anyone, it’s like a different me. I think it’s because I spent my student days in customer facing, busy jobs which forced me to interact with people.

How about asking about volunteering at the local radio station or hospital radio, if you have one. DS did this when we lived abroad and really enjoyed it and it was a definite confidence builder. He intended to carry on at University but missed the induction due to being in hospital so never bothered which I felt was a shame.
If he's into gaming check out whether your town has a gamers or D&D workshop. Ours does and it's quite well supported.
Hope he finds the right thing soon.

I'm not sure if anyone has suggested climbing? My shy introverted children made lovely friends, old and young, when they started indoor climbing. Everyone was so welcoming and accepting.

Yes, this. He sounds overly concerned with what people he doesn't actually like or want to befriend might think. Which is of course partly a teenage thing, but is incredibly limiting.

I also think, OP, that you're a bit hung up, and so possibly is he, on the term 'introvert' as explaining/excusing why he can't do lots of things. Introverts can be sociable, and work in public-facing/'busy' jobs, they just need more recharging afterwards. (I'm introverted, and my job involves public speaking and a huge amount of engagement, an I have a lot of friends -- I just need to be careful to get enough downtime by myself.

My autistic godson found school challenging but blossomed socially at university, by finding other people who were clever in the same vein. And he works as a waiter.

You mention that you're an introvert, too, as is his father -- what kind of friendships/activities are you modelling for him?

I think the people who advise him to focus on building up his own life, by engaging with stuff he genuinely likes and is interested in, and not thinking of it solely as a way to make friends or find a girlfriend, are right. If I start a new class/activity/volunteering, I will be attracted to and interested by, the people who are passionate and interested/knowledgeable, not the ones looking around saying 'I thought there'd be more bloke/girls/whoever doing this.'

My autistic godson loved this, and got very good.

You sound a bit averse to him getting a job? It also seems like it’s rubbing off on him if he doesn’t want to work in McDonalds in case people come in and ‘rip the piss’ out of him? What’s wrong with working in McDonalds?

He’s 18 and should have a job if he’s not going to uni until 2025. You don’t want him to ‘deplete’ his resources as an introvert but honestly it sounds like you’re not preparing him. He’ll need an income if he wants to foster friendships and an adult relationship. To be blunt, when I was 18 I wouldn’t want to have gone out with a boy who does nothing.

Local hospitality job - hotel, bar, restaurant, supermarket. People in his age group that work those jobs become close and have nights out etc, that’s how he’ll meet people.