How can DS find friends/a GF?

[WidenWilden]

No criticism please - I am no helicopter parent.

DS (18) is a lovely chap but not very sociable. He is happy at home and like his parents, an introvert. He'd very much like a girlfriend but he finds the girls at college uber intimidating, and far more worldly wise than him (he has mild SEN). He's never really had a friendship group, and the kids he did use to hang out with are all into weed now, so DS has drifted away from them.

There's no way he'd join Tinder or the like, for fear college peers would find and catfish him. Ideally he'd like to have friends/a girlfriend organically, but that's just not happened, despite him being a caring soul who is good company and funny to boot.

Any suggestions for things he could do/organisations he could join where he could meet people his age that are like him? He's tried Rangers (lame apparently) does a sport hobby but it's all male. He's no interest in St Johns Ambulance, and doesn't have the confidence to get a job yet, plus there's not much around where we live.

I've told him I'm asking on here, and he's all 'oh, God, mum', but I think inside he's hopeful you lot will come up with some ideas!

NB he may go to Uni if he gets the grades, but it would be in 2025, so that's a long time to wait!

I agree with PPs, please don't encourage him in the attitude that he shouldn't work on McDonalds because people would rip the piss. The kind of absolute cunt that would mock someone for having a job in McDonalds is not the sort of person your son should be worrying about. If he lives his life scared of the judgement of scum like that, he'll have a terrible life. Seriously, if that is the nonsensical opinion of people at his college, fuck them.

It's also a perfectly normal job for an eighteen year old, along with shop work, being a barista, waiting, bar work etc. I teach first year university students, most of whom are eighteen, and I encounter them in the course of their jobs all the time -- working in coffee shops, fast food places, corner shops, selling tickets at the cinema, lifeguarding, bar work, dog walking, waitressing in a garden centre cafe. One of them works in her family undertakers.

Is there a sociable mixed sport he could join? Tag rugby, mixed hockey etc?

working in a garden centre might suit him? They may well be recruiting now as they approach their busy season. Many recruit just on a temporary contract for the season, but that could make it feel less daunting for him anyway.
As an introvert I loved working in a garden centre. There was a good mix of working as part of a team, some serving customers, but also quieter tasks eg watering the shrubs, that gave me calm time.

Does his college do productions? Being tech crew is a good way to meet people and he can build up to joining in any social events they have, it's a hobby that transitions well to uni if he goes.

If he can play football, he can play hockey. It's a great social sport. Many clubs will be doing a mixed social league now the main season is over. It's also mixed socially and sometimes on the pitch too depending on the club.
I'd have a look at your local club.
Both my DS have great friends of both genders from hockey.

I really doubt anyone would take the piss out of him for having a job in a fast food restaurant. Loads of young people work in McDonald’s.

I did at 18. And you know what, the evening shift were full of students just like me. The shift manager was often a medical student. It’s a job. It pays wages. And anyone in a McDonald’s (so eating the food) sneering at the staff and feeling superior needs to have a word with themselves.

Maybe the biggest thing you should focus on with him is not caring so much about what other people think. Having the confidence to do his thing, steer his own course and not be worrying about what kids at college or the equivalent might be thinking or saying is exactly the sort of thing that will set him up for success in life.

My DD worked at McD's throughout university and made her core group of friends there, 10 years on, they are still a really close bunch, lots of parties, festivals, get togethers.

Anyone who takes the piss out of someone for working ANYWHERE is a twat.

Don't look down on people who work in catering and hospitality. It's a fabulous environment for making and keeping friends.

I was going to suggest this if near the coast, lake or river. It's a solitary sport that brings people together.

Or figure out his interests and join some things. Gaming cafes often want people to help others get started. Parkrun have volunteer roles that would help with getting to know people ...

We don't build confidence alone or in the comfort of our surroundings. We build confidence by doing, failing and succeeding.
Feel the fear and do it anyway is an old book that he might find useful. One thing I remember from it is the more areas of your life that you fill, the more you can tolerate a lull in one area.

My nephew was very introverted. He went through 4 years at uni without making any solid friendships, he was happy to be at his flat studying. Now he’s left, he’s realised he needs to get out more. He’s joined a pub quiz team (doesn’t drink but likes the company) he’s also joined a walking group which has a lot of people his age who are also quite introverted and have joined to meet people. DH found a mountain biking group to be very welcoming also.

He sounds so like my 15 year old, almost wants what everyone else has, but doesn't really want it. He couldn't cope with partying etc, but feels flat that he doesn't go to them.

The turning point for him socially this last year was joining a local church youth group. We're not religious in the slightest, but we're keen for him to build his own opinion. He goes every week, sometimes it's religious, sometimes he's playing dodgy darts or pool. We've never seen him be so happy to go somewhere.

I'm hoping in the next year he'll find himself a little job as I think that'll help. He has such niche interests - history, genealogy etc and I'm sure at some point he'll find his tribe!

Has your son got all of the social media platforms? Snapchat etc?

My DS was very similar to how your DS sounds. He’s 20 now and working at Maccies has been the making of him. He was worried about seeing people he knew but in reality he spends most of his time in the kitchen or at the drive through window where people don’t take much notice.

He still works there now (no uni plans). He has loads of friends almost all through work and a couple of months ago he started dating a girl he works with. He’s the happiest I’ve ever known him and I am really proud of him.

Yes the reason I suggested McDonald’s is that I have heard anecdotally that the social life attached is amazing!

Also, three things:

If he hates one thing he tries, he hates one thing not ALL things like that and should immediately try another.

Everyone is too hung up on the introvert/extrovert label at the moment, don’t let him use it to limit himself!

Socialising and social skills are as much if not more learned skills than innate abilities. Definitely quite use it or lose it!

A young walking/rambling group.
The princes trust.

Pot washer at local pub. That way he doesn’t have to work behind the bar but he is still out of the house and doing something different.

I also told my kids that in life they will have one worst job. So they might as well get the first job that is their worst job so that it’s all over quickly and all the other jobs after that won’t seem so bad. So if MaccieDees is your son’s worst job then he needs to do that this summer and it might help him decide what he wants to do later on.

Dating can be very tricky for introverts, especially males as the onus is on them to make all the moves.

His best bet is OLD. That's where people his age meet.

Our local big supermarket employs lots of young men and girls on home shopping and replenishment. Odd hours sometimes and hard work but they do seem to have a laugh at breaks and it could be good being part of a team.

Mine are in their 20s now and I have discussed this a lot with mums of their peers. It’s one of the classic stresses of life isn’t it? Very very many 18 year olds have never had a partner.
My eldest at 24 is now seeing someone the same age and it’s the first for both of them. Met while backpacking.
It’s really hard for the quiet ones. He sounds lovely and a quiet girl will find him eventually.

My younger son has a girlfriend who is a friend of his sister. Does yours have siblings the right age?!

I think the main thing is to build his confidence generally, rather than worrying about whether he will meet people his exact age.

So volunteering at the local park run, or for a cub pack, mightn't be awash with 18 year olds but it will get him more adept at mixing with other people and build his social skills.

Jobs in hospitality or retail don't have to involve customer services - my DS worked in tesco as a replenishment assistant and only occasionally had to point out to customers where things were. There were lots of others his age working there too. My niece who's very shy works as a pot washer in a pub, and there are other young staff who work there.

@WidenWilden

My daughter applied for jobs and I remember Asda asking personality type questions
On the form as they said they tried to fit you to the right roles. So something like picking online shopping may be less 'peopley' for him. Or evening shifts when quiet although I think you need to be 18 for a lot of them.

Statistically, it's unlikely he will meet a girlfriend at work, or even necessarily friends, but working with people will give him the confidence, self-esteem and soft skills to equip him to make friends in college/university.

Is there a National Trust property with a restaurant near you? There are lots of young people working there, it's a very good/nurturing employer and he won't be thrown in at the deep end - first there's online training, then they move on to the potwash and clearing tables, then taking food out, then training on the till/coffee machine etc.

Ds19 had a great group of friends males and female and a part time job, but hadn't had a girlfriend until he went away to university. Now they've been together 6 months. It will come naturally.

I think he needs to stop looking for "a girlfriend" and work on himself for a bit.

My dd is 18, and being really blunt about it, I can't see her or any of her friends being particularly interested in an 18yo boy who doesn't have any friends, doesn't have a job and spends most of his time at home with his parents.

It's fine for him to be an introvert - he absolutely doesn't need to be the life and soul of the party - but he does need to push out of his comfort zone a bit and build his confidence/social networks, and I think you should support him to do this.

Getting a job would be a good start, I think. There is no shame in working in McDonald's or similar, and I very much doubt that his peers would "rip the piss" out of him for something like this. Quite the contrary, DD views people of her own age (male and female) who have never had any kind of part time job with a degree of incredulity, and she sees them as being unusually immature and overly dependent on their parents.

I would encourage him to focus on the stuff that genuinely interests him. Ideally stuff that will get him out of the house and into contact with other people, but there is no point going to things just to meet people if he isn't genuinely interested in them. I think he needs to focus on finding a friendship group first, rather than specifically trying to find a girlfriend. He just needs to get out into the world a bit more. And he needs to understand that he can't wait until he feels confident enough... the confidence will only come afterwards, and in the short term he will have to deal with feeling a bit uncomfortable at times.

Through a mutual activity is most likely, online gaming is how my dd met her dp. He's only young, plenty of young people haven't been in relationships until a bit older, dsd had finished university before getting a boyfriend.