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Original poster

How can DS find friends/a GF?

96 replies

WidenWilden · 07/04/2024 16:12

No criticism please - I am no helicopter parent.

DS (18) is a lovely chap but not very sociable. He is happy at home and like his parents, an introvert. He'd very much like a girlfriend but he finds the girls at college uber intimidating, and far more worldly wise than him (he has mild SEN). He's never really had a friendship group, and the kids he did use to hang out with are all into weed now, so DS has drifted away from them.

There's no way he'd join Tinder or the like, for fear college peers would find and catfish him. Ideally he'd like to have friends/a girlfriend organically, but that's just not happened, despite him being a caring soul who is good company and funny to boot.

Any suggestions for things he could do/organisations he could join where he could meet people his age that are like him? He's tried Rangers (lame apparently) does a sport hobby but it's all male. He's no interest in St Johns Ambulance, and doesn't have the confidence to get a job yet, plus there's not much around where we live.

I've told him I'm asking on here, and he's all 'oh, God, mum', but I think inside he's hopeful you lot will come up with some ideas!

NB he may go to Uni if he gets the grades, but it would be in 2025, so that's a long time to wait!

OP posts:

XelaM · 08/04/2024 07:46

Working/volunteering at a livery yard? My daughter rides and 90% (if not more) of horsey teens are girls. It's a great place to meet girls and although the work is tough, it's all outdoors and with horses so great for an introvert.

If you're anywhere North London/Herts I can recommend a few 👍

11NigelTufnel · 08/04/2024 08:55

I worked in kitchens at that age. Pot wash would be a great job for him, as there is no delaing with the public, with a group of people who are mostly young and away from the confines of education.

Begaydocrime94 · 08/04/2024 09:03

The only women he's going to meet volunteering in a charity shop are of the 50+ variety. Also surely not every girl at college is "worldly wise" and intimidating, there must be some more reserved girls!
Unfortunately if he's not willing to talk to girls at college, try tinder or get a job in maccies where loads of young people work he's just not going to meet anyone. As difficult as it is he needs to put himself out there, it's so cringy and soul destroying at first but it's just what you have to do for company.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

18 years old Families

AyeupDuck · 08/04/2024 09:44

Before I met DH who is a quieter type plus this was before online dating he had done classes. He did a Spanish class and a dancing class, he was the only bloke in the dancing class. He didn’t end up dating anyone but he had been to a boys school and then worked in an occupation that was and still is dominated by men so he was not used to women and girls at all. So the dancing class really helped him feel more comfortable around women.

I volunteer in a charity shop. There are many retired people but we have quite a few teens, some did work experience and then stayed as volunteers. I have worked with 2 teen lads and 4 teen girls aged from 16 upwards.

I reckon McDonalds or something as mentioned upthread would be great for him. My DS worked as a pot washer, I will say it was quite laddish in there and chefs do get shouty. I thought it was just Gordon Ramsey stereotyping but there was a lot of shouting apparently.

Flocke · 08/04/2024 09:54

Does he like watching movies or tv? Into music? What does he actually enjoy? Even if it seems mundane to others and not something that can be a "hobby" it could still be possible to make friends and meet people through.
I was an introvert and loner all my life and never had any real friends and no real boyfriends etc. I was always happiest at home watching films and tv shows. Until I discovered comic cons and cosplay etc about 15 years ago. I now have a huge amount of friends (mainly online and see each other a few times a year only) and a husband.
Obviously those things etc are quite niche but my point is if he has interests at home it's possible to find a way to make them into more social things in ways you'd possibly never thought of before.

MonkeyTennis34 · 08/04/2024 10:10

WidenWilden
I hear you.

My DS is 26 and has similar issues.
He has AS so is a bit socially awkward.
He would love to have a GF and has been very down about his situation.

He went to university and did extremely well academically and still has a small group of Uni friends he sees.

I don't know the answer but I wish you and your DS all the best.

Comedycook · 08/04/2024 10:15

Not sure where you are based op and if you'd even have one near you how about volunteering at a city farm? My dc did some temp work experience at one and loved it. Vast majority of those working there seemed to be long term volunteers.

Sdpbody · 08/04/2024 10:30

He seems like just another hugely mollycoddled boy. He shouldn't get a choice about getting a job, he just needs to get one.

I don't think you are going your son any favours.

worcesterpear · 08/04/2024 10:31

I agree with the McDonalds suggestion, or other similar work where they take a lot of young, temporary workers.
Do you have a DofE open centre nearby? You wouldn't be able to help making friends with the others on the expedition, etc, and it forces you to do some other things that you are interested in, or might not have thought of, hobbies, volunteering.
Also on volunteering, what about volunteering at a local hospital, for older people, if he is interested in anything medical related?
Young ramblers? Though he would probably be the youngest there, rambling types always seem very friendly and welcoming.

Comedycook · 08/04/2024 10:32

I think the focus should be on making friends first rather than getting a girlfriend. If he gets a girlfriend but doesn't have any friends I think you run the risk of him massively focusing on her and becoming more introverted but as part of a couple if that makes sense. Not particularly healthy. Friends will make his life more well rounded

RedHelenB · 08/04/2024 10:33

WidenWilden · 07/04/2024 16:38

He's part of a football team, but finds the other boys very alpha, for want of a better word. He's not into running - finds it boring.

He joined a gym, but found it intimidating, plus he 'felt a loser' going on his own, so only went a few times. Jobs in places like that are fiercely fought for round here, so not an easy fix.

In my head, Rangers or St John's would be a good fit (aside from a charity shop job) - any ideas along those lines?

Thank you for all your suggestions btw!

How do the other boys on the team treat him? My son's team they're all on a WhatsApp group is that the case with him? Maybe he needs to accept invitations even if he doesn't think he'll enjoy it, he will more likely meet someone on his wavelength the more people he gets to know.

mindutopia · 08/04/2024 10:34

I’m an introvert. At his age, I met everyone I dated at school/uni or work.

It sounds like he is just missing out on finding some like minded souls. There must be something he is interested in that has a social aspect. And I wouldn’t shy away from dating apps. Guys aren’t going to be searching for other heterosexual guys to catfish on a dating app. I’m sure they could do that easy enough through other means already if they wanted to.

Easipeelerie · 08/04/2024 10:35

The most organic way for someone like him to meet girls would be through gaming/talking about gaming online. The issue though is that, as he’s already experienced- people in his milieu like weed. It helps when you’re socially awkward to have it as a prop.
Does he work? He might meet nice girls in that context. Pets at Home has staff that might fit his vibe. Sorting clothes at a charity shop?

suki1964 · 08/04/2024 10:43

Im another piping in to say dont dismiss hospitality because of being an introvert - best job for it in my experience

You are wayyyyy too busy to be stood about having to make conversation with people you dont know, most interaction during shifts is Hi and Bye, everything else is work related

Speaking to the public - you have a script of sorts - good morning/afternoon, how may I help you? Is that everything? Was everything ok? Goodbye, thank you.

But the confidence it brings about is amazing. We have a young lass started with us, at first she was all round eyes and shaking and scared to open her mouth, apologising all the time when she did, now she moves around the restaurant like she owns it and can approach customers quite easily now.

Hospitality is also very tight knit and welcoming, theres often a drink together after work for those who want to, no one waits for an invite, someone will say right pub time, and those who want just go along

SingingSands · 08/04/2024 11:06

Let's leave the "looking for love" to one side for a moment. He sounds like he's not yet found his friendship circle?

I get what he means about being intimidated by people at college - the ones you notice are usually the loud ones. But there will be others who feel the same as him, it might just take a bit of trial and error to find them.

There must be extra-curricular clubs at his college? Would that be a good place to start?

Comedycook · 08/04/2024 11:23

I get what he means about being intimidated by people at college - the ones you notice are usually the loud ones. But there will be others who feel the same as him

This is very true. My dd was intimidated when she started secondary school as she felt all the other kids were loud and popular. They were just the ones she noticed. Once she actually started looking around her she realised there were actually lots of shyer quiet people around.

stayathomegardener · 08/04/2024 11:45

Hi @WidenWilden son!
Your Mum is fab for asking.

I found some don't find their tribe until uni or even after uni, that can be very hard thinking everyone else is having the best time.

My DD is 25 and took till a few years post uni to find friends (lockdown timing probably set her back) funnily enough she only said the other day I've more friends than I can cope with currently.

She meets people through social media, work, sport (rock climbing) and her dog.

As for girlfriends, I think treat all girls as friends and it will just happen.

Good luck.

stayathomegardener · 08/04/2024 11:48

WidenWilden · 07/04/2024 16:27

@Chilto and @CuttingMeOpenthenHealingMeFine

I think you are right, a job (volunteer or paid) would do him the world of good.

But he's introvert - working in a cafe/shop would completely deplete his resources.
Maybe a charity shop would be the way to go, slower pace and low demand. He'd probably only agree if it was the next town over in case he bumped into anyone from college though!

Any other job type ideas?

Trying to think what others did at that age, paper rounds to start. How about lifeguarding?

mrsjackrussell · 08/04/2024 11:56

How about a martial art? Jui jitsu is very good as it's a thinking sport like playing chess. It's very addictive and you're focused on the moves not socialising. Don't have to be a macho man either.

WitcheryDivine · 08/04/2024 12:01

Haven’t yet RTFT but is moving college an option? Sounds like he may be being bullied if he suspects they may catfish him etc.

Does he/do you have a trusted relative or friend who’s in their twenties say and could give him a bit of a makeover to make sure he’s making the most of himself? So many teen boys are completely clueless and have terrible clothes/hair/personal hygiene.

And lastly do be wary of saying he is like his parents, it can be all too easy for shy or introverted parents to accidentally encourage these qualities in their kids IMO. Maybe he’d enjoy something like cafe work, especially if he likes talking to people - he can’t really know til he’s tried. It’s different from you - you’ve had the time to try for yourself and find out you prefer being at home etc. don’t hold him back but encourage him to experiment with what may suit him.

OceanicBoundlessness · 08/04/2024 18:35

I know lots of people are saying that he needs to go to places that attract young people for work or volunteering roles but I think there's an argument to be had for being somewhere where there are other generations - younger or older people as those will be less high stakes than his peers while he builds up his confidence and learns to flex his social muscles.

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