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Original poster

A comment my boyfriend made has really triggered me and I don’t know why

129 replies

Luciferthethird · 27/03/2024 00:49

I had a very long post written and then my phone died before i could post which says it all really

But the short version is I declined a girls trip because my boyfriend of 7 months had a weekend away planned, for reasons out of his control we had to postpone our weekend

Was I wrong to then go in the girls trip, ( that he assured me he was fine with me going, no problem at all and there would be no resentment) when I came home told me he felt I’d “made the wrong choice” and I should have chosen to spend the weekend with him and that he feels like he comes second.
He doesn’t but I also don’t want to put friends and family aside because I’m now in a relationship
its the made the wrong choice comment it triggers me and I don’t know why I felt like I was being gaslit buts not gaslighting or is it… I don’t know everything else is hunky dory i just can’t seem to get past this

OP posts:
ABitBright · 27/03/2024 10:06

What an obnoxious thing for him to have said. It's controlling and nasty. I'd dump him.

Gilead · 27/03/2024 10:12

Setting you up to fail is not good. Run!

Anniegetyourgun · 27/03/2024 10:16

See, I was going to say I can imagine having a conversation on these lines with DS3, who doesn't always understand how human beings operate. I'd point out that the choice may not have suited him but that didn't make it wrong for her. If he realised after she'd gone that he missed her and wished she'd made a different choice, that's fair enough. Also fair enough to say "actually I missed you more than expected, but glad you had a good time", thus acknowledging the valid feelings of both parties. If he can't hack her wanting to go out without him, or she never wants to spend a quiet weekend with him, they may not be suited. DS3 grew up, though (eventually!) and now, I believe, thoroughly deserves the lovely woman he recently married. So I'd have said, people can sometimes not "get it", and use inappropriate terms, but they can learn if they want to.

BUT then I read that OP's bf is old enough to have children of his own, not a young bloke navigating the strange world of dating real women. He really should be on top of this stuff - like for example, people who aren't you don't always feel like you, and that their wishes matter too - by now. It would be interesting to know why his relationship with their other parent/s broke down, and I don't just mean from his perspective.

Triggered, actually, because XH used to do these invisible tests where the "right" choice was the one he had in his head. I should have been warned when one day he commented that SIL had gone on a girls' evening out and when I said "that's nice" his response was "married women don't go out with their friends". I told him robustly that they jolly well did, so he didn't say it again, but he clearly didn't stop thinking it. Took me another two decades to LTB. Don't be me.

Interested in this thread?

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Relationship problems
MeinKraft · 27/03/2024 10:18

Omg no RUN 🚩

cordeliachaseatemyhandbag · 27/03/2024 10:30

I'm confused but the gist I get is that you went away with pals and now he's in a huff.

That is abusive.

Skyblue18 · 27/03/2024 10:31

Wagonwheelforme · 27/03/2024 09:58

But she had cancelled her initial plan to go on girls weekend in order to spend this weekend away with him.

if I was the man in this situation I’d absolutely want my partner to go back to her original plan.

Show quote history

Op said she declined the invitation to go away with friends because there was a weekend away planned with boyfriend. I'm still of the opinion that when your in the early stages of a relationship you don't swan off with friends at least until you know your relationship is cemented and boundaries have been recognised. If it was me in that situation and my fairly new boyfriend did this I'd be hurt. When he was away and I'd time to process it properly I'd have second thoughts about him.

Whatineed · 27/03/2024 10:31

So he had to cancel because he was working. That's even worse then isn't it?

Original poster
Luciferthethird · 27/03/2024 10:45

I will say I have been on other trips since we’ve been together, he didn’t take any offence to these I think it was just because we had planned previously to spend this weekend together and I as a previous poster said “swanned off”
When I say he was working we were to go away the Sunday- Tuesday and he had to work the Tuesday so we weren’t able to go.

His weekend was planned first

I do appreciate everyone’s response and for the most part I agree with you all
I’m not going to break up with him, I think he was genuinely upset I decided to leave him alone for the weekend. I will be keeping an eye out for any other red flags and I have no plans to move in with him in the near future I enjoy my independence too much

But thank you all I think this has really helped me sort through my feelings about all this

OP posts:
rightoguvnor · 27/03/2024 11:19

I think in the early stages of a relationship it's even more important to be able to swan off with your friends with no repercussions.
Who wants to cement a relationship with someone who turns out to be unreasonable (about returning to original plan when HE cancelled the alternative), possessive and jealous.

Skyblue18 · 27/03/2024 11:19

Luciferthethird · 27/03/2024 10:45

I will say I have been on other trips since we’ve been together, he didn’t take any offence to these I think it was just because we had planned previously to spend this weekend together and I as a previous poster said “swanned off”
When I say he was working we were to go away the Sunday- Tuesday and he had to work the Tuesday so we weren’t able to go.

His weekend was planned first

I do appreciate everyone’s response and for the most part I agree with you all
I’m not going to break up with him, I think he was genuinely upset I decided to leave him alone for the weekend. I will be keeping an eye out for any other red flags and I have no plans to move in with him in the near future I enjoy my independence too much

But thank you all I think this has really helped me sort through my feelings about all this

Agree with your decision OP & I wish you both all the very best. Moving in together is a huge step. You can still be independent but if people want to have a life partner who is there for them in the good times & bad times, total independence is not possible. It means there is somebody else in your life you have to consider while often putting your own desires aside. There again I'm speaking as somebody who thrives on being in a loving relationship where everything I do I take DHs feelings into consideration & expect the same in return 😊

SmileyClare · 27/03/2024 11:21

I think he was genuinely upset

Hmm, don’t misinterpret possessiveness and comments designed to guilt trip you into doing what he wants as “caring” about you.

He had no right to encourage you to go away with friends and then punish you when you returned.

I really hope you’re not now apologising to him. You have done NOTHING wrong, you do realise that?

I think we’ve all encountered this type of bloke- massive fragile ego, jealous, insecure and subtly manipulative - dressed up as “caring”.
The next step is criticising your friends/ family and accusing you of putting them before him.

You are not his possession.

Avatartar · 27/03/2024 11:29

Presenting it to you as the wrong choice is him telling you that you have failed a test. Why didn’t he say he was not happy before you went and you could talk about it? This is a one way his way or no way tactic. Your response to you making the wrong choice is to agree and reply that you made the wrong choice in choosing him as a BF and you’ll now choose someone else. See you are not ending it yet- but you are forewarned- no body should be on eggshells or second guessing in a relationship l. Sorry but he doesn’t value you, you have your uses which is why he’s with you but that’s it

SmileyClare · 27/03/2024 11:31

Skyblue18 · 27/03/2024 11:19

Agree with your decision OP & I wish you both all the very best. Moving in together is a huge step. You can still be independent but if people want to have a life partner who is there for them in the good times & bad times, total independence is not possible. It means there is somebody else in your life you have to consider while often putting your own desires aside. There again I'm speaking as somebody who thrives on being in a loving relationship where everything I do I take DHs feelings into consideration & expect the same in return 😊

Show quote history

What an odd thing to say.

In a healthy loving relationship, it’s entirely normal to go away with friends for a couple of days. Op’s bf encouraged her to go and assured her he didn’t resent it at all.

He was an Arsehole to turn on her when she returned; he weaponised the trip and punished her for making “the wrong choice”. Who the Hell does he think he is?

That sort of behaviour is not consistent with a loving relationship and no one is going to “thrive” in a relationship with a man who plays mind games.

Codlingmoths · 27/03/2024 11:32

rightoguvnor · 27/03/2024 11:19

I think in the early stages of a relationship it's even more important to be able to swan off with your friends with no repercussions.
Who wants to cement a relationship with someone who turns out to be unreasonable (about returning to original plan when HE cancelled the alternative), possessive and jealous.

Yes this. Way back when I was 18 a relationship was instantly over in my mind when I had a Saturday girls night out and he was hurt, said oh I thought Saturdays are our nights. Like wtf, I have friends and they are sometimes going to do things on Saturday nights and I am going to go!

Spirallingdownwards · 27/03/2024 11:33

Unless your weekend away with him was cancelled for a catastrophic reason like the death of one of his close family members in which case staying behind to support him may have been the right choice then you were not wrong to go back to the original plan of the weekend away with friends.

Sparsely · 27/03/2024 11:34

Your wants and needs are nowhere in his thinking. The "bad choice" things is infantilising. I don't see how that's a basis for a meaningful relationship.

Sendsunshine · 27/03/2024 11:42

Urgh I'd sack him off before he causes lasting damage to you & your kids. Its so full of 🚩 for controlling behaviour and likely a reoccurring theme in his relationships.

Had he not booked the time off from work when he arranged the weekend away?

You didn't expect him to try alter your couple booking to another weekend so you could attend the friends get together so you had already prioritised him.

As he was working and you were only away 24hrs its a bit needy and pathetic to expect you to prioritise him and stay home which is what he is suggesting is the right choice here, rather than be happy that you have the opportunity to go away with friends (and glad it distracts from disappointment given was his job at fault). Sounds like he doesn't want you to have any fun without him there to supervise and needs to feel your only priority. Creating tests to fail to make you unsure of what his right choice is and wary of upsetting him in future, likely followed up with sulking or crocodile tears if you get angry so they takeover victim and you feel bad.

Cetim · 27/03/2024 11:44

Sounds like he feels inadequate about the fact that what he had planned didn't go ahead even though as you say it was not his fault. Instead of him sitting in his uncomfortable feelings and simply saying, "I feel disappointed we didn't get to go away I was really looking forward to spending time with you now I feel sad etc" he has decided to shift his negative feelings on to you. This is classic behaviour from someone who is emotionally immature and doesn't know how to manage his feelings. You are right to feel annoyed with this because it is a slippery slope. He will continue to blame you for his inadequacies instead of looking vulnerable or opening aabout about how vulnerable he feels. It is toxic.

Newestname002 · 27/03/2024 13:18

@Luciferthethird

I will be keeping an eye out for any other red flags and I have no plans to move in with him in the near future I enjoy my independence too much.

Good to hear you'll keep your own space OP - you need to be much surer that he'll treat you in a considerate and loving manner in the future before you entwine your life with him any closer. 🌹

Somepeoplearesnippy · 27/03/2024 13:20

Your thread title says you don't know why this has triggered you. That's not true. You do know - you just don't want to face it.

It triggered you because he is being manipulative and unreasonable. He is showing you who he is just 7 months into the relationship. Things will not get better.

Frangipanyoul8r · 27/03/2024 13:27

Does he really have so little going for him that he can’t entertain himself for a single weekend? You’re his girlfriend not his babysitter. This would be a massive turn off for me, he sounds very boring - most guys would catch up with friends or do a hobby.

Ihearyousingingdownthewire · 27/03/2024 13:34

I’m not going to break up with him, I think he was genuinely upset I decided to leave him alone for the weekend.

Genuinely upset was he? Nah, he’s trying to condition you. And the next time you find yourself not making a plan without running it by him first, or declining an invitation after he says he doesn’t want you to go, you’ll realise his conditioning has worked. Good luck.

blackoverbillsmothers · 27/03/2024 13:41

You made the wrong choice? What infantile language. Does he think you’re five.

Don’t get me started on the rest.
Definitely bin him.

BringMeTea · 27/03/2024 13:41

Throw this one back. BIG red flag... he is testing the water. Get rid pronto.

Somepeoplearesnippy · 27/03/2024 18:33

An excellent bit of graffiti I saw in Florida a few months ago.

I LOVED HIM SO MUCH I PAINTED ALL HIS RED FLAGS WHITE

Don't be that person @Luciferthethird. Trust your instincts.