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Original poster

A comment my boyfriend made has really triggered me and I don’t know why

129 replies

Luciferthethird · 27/03/2024 00:49

I had a very long post written and then my phone died before i could post which says it all really

But the short version is I declined a girls trip because my boyfriend of 7 months had a weekend away planned, for reasons out of his control we had to postpone our weekend

Was I wrong to then go in the girls trip, ( that he assured me he was fine with me going, no problem at all and there would be no resentment) when I came home told me he felt I’d “made the wrong choice” and I should have chosen to spend the weekend with him and that he feels like he comes second.
He doesn’t but I also don’t want to put friends and family aside because I’m now in a relationship
its the made the wrong choice comment it triggers me and I don’t know why I felt like I was being gaslit buts not gaslighting or is it… I don’t know everything else is hunky dory i just can’t seem to get past this

OP posts:
LadyDanburysHat · 27/03/2024 09:24

I think saying he is fine with it at the time and then saying you made the wrong choice is very worrying. He set you up to fail. If he was working anyway then you wouldn't have been spending time with him.

He is telling you that you should always choose him over friends.

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 27/03/2024 09:25

Be very careful. You may have reached the point where his apparent care and protectiveness of you is starting to tip over into control.
Don't be a boiled frog, it may be time to get out of the pot.

2under4 · 27/03/2024 09:26

From your last post, looks like he has children from previous relationship and you don't? Another point for breaking up if so. Sounds like a lot of hassle + will he want more children with you, if that's what you want etc etc.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
cuckyplunt · 27/03/2024 09:26

You didn’t read his mind, this was a test and you failed it. You should have known instinctively what his needs were without him telling you.
Run for the hills OP, this guy is a tosspot!

ManchesterLu · 27/03/2024 09:28

Unless there's more information, he was being completely out of order, and it sounds like he's just trying to control you. He sounds jealous and unfair.

Original poster
Luciferthethird · 27/03/2024 09:35

We both have children, we are not having anymore. I just have childcare that’s a little more flexible.

I agree ⛳️⛳️⛳️⛳️ and I’m no wilting violet I was enraged when I got home and he had this conversation with me, I told him I couldn’t trust him, that he’d lied to me that I wasn’t going to be walking on egg shells and I wouldn’t be able to trust anything he said from now on and that I’m not a minder he can’t tell me one thing and do another. He did seem to see my point and promised at the time it wouldn’t happen again but yeah ⛳️

OP posts:
Noodlesoup123 · 27/03/2024 09:36

This would really trigger me too OP. By telling you you made the 'wrong choice' he's claiming a weird elevated role for himself - your moral superior, the person who determines right and wrong for you both, and the 'parent' to your 'child' role. Abusers love doing that - it's their go-to fare. Like pps have said, he could have told you he was upset you bailed on your (non) weekend - and listened to why you did (prioritising friends is normal and healthy). It's really troubling language. How he responds to your disquiet will tell you a lot.

pimplebum · 27/03/2024 09:36

Why did he plan a couples weekend when you had a girls trip booked? Why didn't he check with you first ?

Are you sure it the cancelling was beyond his control or was it all fake ?

QualityDog · 27/03/2024 09:36

I wouldn't sit down and talk about it. What is there to say? Unless English is not his first language it's clear what he said.

There was a right decision and a wrong one - the rules of which were decided by him. You didn't even know you were sitting a test, but you were.

You must always put him first. You must not do anything that doesn't involve him even if he's at work. You can't put your own pleasure and enjoyment before his.

It will go from this to you can't go round to Susan's when her boyfriend dumps her to you can't go to the hospital when your mother falls down the stairs.

CaterhamReconstituted · 27/03/2024 09:37

Trust your instincts

ilovesushi · 27/03/2024 09:38

He made the wrong choice in making you feel crap about having a lovely weekend with friends. He sounds jealous and controlling and someone who likes to play mind games. It is red flag. Take note and take action.

CardinalCat · 27/03/2024 09:42

YANBU to be triggered by this. Your nervous system is giving you an early warning.

In your shoes I'd be making the right choice now by running for the hills.

Maybe the relationship is otherwise good but if you do decide to stay, be warned and be aware. I'm afraid my suspicion is that this is not the last you will see of this behaviour.

Skyblue18 · 27/03/2024 09:44

I'm like a pp and realise this is going against the majority opinion. There is the fact OP & partner had to cancel their weekend away. This means there was a combined decision to spend that particular weekend together. Op then decided to change her mind & agree to the weekend away with friends which initially her partner agreed with possibly with the intent of not appearing too possessive & controlling given they are still fairly early on in their relationship. After OP left for her weekend away with friends the realisation hit him that the weekend they were going to spend together never happened purely because the away weekend was cancelled. This prompted him to feel it was the wrong choice. I'm sorry to say I see his point. Does he now feel weekends away with friends will always be prioritised over time spent with him and in actual fact this is a red flag to him when getting to know each others ways are still in the early stages. FWIW on this occasion I wouldn't have changed my mind and accepted the invitation to go away with friends on that particular weekend. I'd have felt that because it was originally meant to be a weekend away with my partner I feel on this occasion I should stick around with him.

WaltzingWaters · 27/03/2024 09:46

“You made the wrong go choice”. Sounds like a parent talking to their child. Controlling in a relationship. Dump!

ConcernedOfClapham · 27/03/2024 09:48

Urgh, what a horrible choice of words he used.

I hope your next partner treats you with the love and respect you deserve.

CaterhamReconstituted · 27/03/2024 09:49

The issue is not that she should have chosen a weekend with him over one with her friends. It’s that once their plan was cancelled he said he didn’t have a problem with her going away, and he then reneged on that and made out she was in the wrong later on. It’s is either immature or controlling.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 27/03/2024 09:49

Oh no, this is not good. Controlling and shaming. This will multiply by 100 in a few years.

Skyblue18 · 27/03/2024 09:52

CaterhamReconstituted · 27/03/2024 09:49

The issue is not that she should have chosen a weekend with him over one with her friends. It’s that once their plan was cancelled he said he didn’t have a problem with her going away, and he then reneged on that and made out she was in the wrong later on. It’s is either immature or controlling.

It's often when you've had time & space to reflect on a situation you reach a conclusion as to how you really feel.

martinisforeveryone · 27/03/2024 09:52

@Luciferthethird I can’t believe you didn’t book him a sitter, after all he is behaving like a stroppy little boy who can’t cope on his own.

HoppingPavlova · 27/03/2024 09:55

He is showing you who he is. Believe him. Run.

Even if he said he wasn’t okay with you going, why on earth would you expected to ‘prioritise’ him in this situation? Thats weird in itself. You prioritised correctly with the choices you had. Surely he is a big boy who can occupy himself for a weekend?

Wagonwheelforme · 27/03/2024 09:55

@Janpoppy has some great advice.

might not be gaslighting but it’s controlling.

also - being in a relationship with someone who says he’s happy for one thing to happen but then afterwards says you made the wrong choice is just tedious…who cares what it is? It’s exhausting.

Bin him

GinAndJuice99 · 27/03/2024 09:56

Time to throw this one back OP

Wagonwheelforme · 27/03/2024 09:58

Skyblue18 · 27/03/2024 09:44

I'm like a pp and realise this is going against the majority opinion. There is the fact OP & partner had to cancel their weekend away. This means there was a combined decision to spend that particular weekend together. Op then decided to change her mind & agree to the weekend away with friends which initially her partner agreed with possibly with the intent of not appearing too possessive & controlling given they are still fairly early on in their relationship. After OP left for her weekend away with friends the realisation hit him that the weekend they were going to spend together never happened purely because the away weekend was cancelled. This prompted him to feel it was the wrong choice. I'm sorry to say I see his point. Does he now feel weekends away with friends will always be prioritised over time spent with him and in actual fact this is a red flag to him when getting to know each others ways are still in the early stages. FWIW on this occasion I wouldn't have changed my mind and accepted the invitation to go away with friends on that particular weekend. I'd have felt that because it was originally meant to be a weekend away with my partner I feel on this occasion I should stick around with him.

But she had cancelled her initial plan to go on girls weekend in order to spend this weekend away with him.

if I was the man in this situation I’d absolutely want my partner to go back to her original plan.

tkwal · 27/03/2024 09:58

You'll be making the wrong choice if you let him away with this. You're at the beginning of a relationship, not an established couple. Make clear the reason you went on your (second choice) trip in case he wasn't listening the first Xtimes you told him. Then don't discuss it again. (Had your friends trip been organised before he arranged the one with him ? Is he being a dog in a manger about your couples time ?)

Whatever, expect him to come up with a plan of his own and I can guarantee he will try to browbeat you into going along with it while trying to browbeat you for your "wrong choice" last time

Ultimately, I hope you find someone more in tune with normality.

Original poster
Luciferthethird · 27/03/2024 10:05

To clear up, his plans were made first and I found out on the Friday that there was a space for me in the girls trip and left on the Saturday was home on the Sunday
I was away less than 24 hours
i am listening and for the most part I do agree but I will say he usually takes what I say on board and adjusts
it is hard to put all the information in one post

OP posts: