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Original poster

A comment my boyfriend made has really triggered me and I don’t know why

129 replies

Luciferthethird · 27/03/2024 00:49

I had a very long post written and then my phone died before i could post which says it all really

But the short version is I declined a girls trip because my boyfriend of 7 months had a weekend away planned, for reasons out of his control we had to postpone our weekend

Was I wrong to then go in the girls trip, ( that he assured me he was fine with me going, no problem at all and there would be no resentment) when I came home told me he felt I’d “made the wrong choice” and I should have chosen to spend the weekend with him and that he feels like he comes second.
He doesn’t but I also don’t want to put friends and family aside because I’m now in a relationship
its the made the wrong choice comment it triggers me and I don’t know why I felt like I was being gaslit buts not gaslighting or is it… I don’t know everything else is hunky dory i just can’t seem to get past this

OP posts:
Morph22010 · 27/03/2024 06:22

Do you watch emmerdale? This reminds me so much of the belle and Tom storyline re coercive control, maybe start watching

WalkingaroundJardine · 27/03/2024 06:27

Another mother of a twenty something who would be doing everything she could to talk my daughter out of this relationship.

But if you are determined to stay, do the hard work now to train and test him. When he says “you made the wrong choice” you say “let’s get one thing clear. My friendship with the girls is very important to me and always will be. If that doesn’t work for you then perhaps I am not the right fit for you.”

If you don’t do it now, he will get way worse with age, as many of us have discovered.

pinkmushroom5 · 27/03/2024 06:27

It's a very manipulative comment which is meant to control your behaviour.

The purpose of a comment like that is to make you feel like you are constantly being tested and need to do the right thing.

Everything is a test - it's meant to make you worry about making the choice that pleases him next time (even if he's not there).

It's emotional/ psychological control.

It's not the same thing as gaslighting really, but in many ways it's just as bad or worse.

I would try to get out of this relationship asap, OP. There's simply no good way of framing a comment like that or no other explanation than him trying to control you.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
theduchessofspork · 27/03/2024 06:28

That’s very controlling and gaslighting - he is trying to make you count your own (perfectly reasonable) behaviour.

Personally I would get rid of him now- if you don’t want to, you need to be very clear on your boundaries - but I am pretty sure he’ll keep trying to erode them.

Newnamehiwhodis · 27/03/2024 06:30

The “wrong choice”?! Like you failed some kind of test?

There’s no reason to need to get past this awful, entitled, boorish, obnoxious, self-important attitude.

you are not his property.

EveSix · 27/03/2024 06:41

This is why we have instincts, gut feeling, experience things as 'triggering': so we can pay attention and act accordingly. Hell, I even felt uncomfortable reading your post.

He's telling you now how it's going to be ‐don't get into any kind of mental gymnastics trying to tell yourself that you can 'get past' this. That's a really dangerous thing to do, making yourself complicit in his attempt at controlling you.

SparrowFeet · 27/03/2024 06:50

What was the reason you had to postpone the trip you both had planned together?

I agree with all the PP unless there is a situation here that isn't being said. For example it was cancelled because of something awful that happened. If that was me I would be a bit put out that my husband didn't think to maybe do something nice at home to cheer me up.

It's got to be awful by the way, not a toe stub.

theothercatpurred · 27/03/2024 07:02

Would you treat him like this?

No.

It's unacceptable behaviour, and you are an emotionally mature adult, so you just wouldn't do it, would you.

I spent years excusing terrible behaviour from men for one reason or another before realising if I just wouldn't do it to them, it's not right, and I need to protect myself from this shitty behaviour, not least as it always turns out to be the thin edge of the wedge.

Get rid of him now, don't entertain any bullshit excuses from him as to why.

Supersoakers · 27/03/2024 07:05

I so wish I could go back to my 20s and give myself more credit and conviction about the rightness of my own thoughts.

Trust yourself and know yourself, first and foremost.

SD1978 · 27/03/2024 07:07

You failed a 'test' he set you didn't even know about- fuck that shit. You had plans, those plans fell through, unless there is some big backstory that it was a special event that he needed company for, the anniversary of a parents death, etc- he was a dick. He was disappointed because he didn't get a weekend away, you did and he didn't Anya you to feel bad about.

NiceHat · 27/03/2024 07:10

He sounds manipulative.Trying to make you feel bad and blaming you for his own feelings. Big red flag.

tuvamoodyson · 27/03/2024 07:13

I’d laugh in his face as I showed him the door. Get rid…

GinForBreakfast · 27/03/2024 07:15

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

ALL the red flags. If you were knee deep in kids or other joint responsibilities then yes, it might have been inappropriate to go away but it's normal and healthy to do things as an individual with your own friends when you are in a relationship.

Kdubs1981 · 27/03/2024 07:16

He manipulating and attempting to control you. I would end this relationship. You're only 7 months in, it will get worse

Kdubs1981 · 27/03/2024 07:16

Janpoppy · 27/03/2024 04:32

His behaviour should trigger you!

Why?

  1. He is dishonest - he reassured you that he was OK with you going, but he wasn't, or if he sincerely changed his mind then he is dishonest to blame you
  2. He doesn't take responsibility for his feelings
  3. He shows zero self awareness
  4. He makes you the problem and blamea you
  5. He tells you who you are, as if he is god or can be inside your mind to tell you when you've made a mistake
  6. He is makes himself superior and treats you as if you are inferior
  7. He is passive-aggressive, making strange comments rather than being direct
  8. You can't feel that safe talking with him as you didn't just ask him what he meant, so he is probably doing things to make you feel hesitant to talk to him

Are these enough reasons for why you would find yourself triggered?

Please listen to, and trust your instincts.

Nailed it

FrancisSeaton · 27/03/2024 07:18

What were the reasons you couldn't go? Are you sure he wasn't game playing just to try and stop you going away? Either way at 7 months in he's a controlling bastard and sounds totally immature also. Ditch his ass

Newestname002 · 27/03/2024 07:19

@Luciferthethird

He thinks he owns you, after seven months. This controlling behaviour wouldn't be acceptable however long you were with him but certainly not for the short amount of time you've been dating him. This is supposed to be the honeymoon period and he's already showing you who he really is - this is a gift to you so you can act accordingly without wasting any more of your time.

I'd encourage you to maintain your other family/friend relationships you had before him and march him out of your life, taking his red flags with him. This really is a no brainer. 🌹

becauseidonwantto · 27/03/2024 07:19

Red flag. The arrogance! You may find he has shown other tiny signs of control. They may show as arrogance at first… LISTEN to your instincts.

DisforDarkChocolate · 27/03/2024 07:19

Wrong choice would have pissed me off to. Ye's definitely waving a red flag here.

this is a clear step towards controlling and isolating you.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 27/03/2024 07:21

Balls to that. He made up an excuse to get you to cancel and then made up an excuse not to follow through with it. That's why he's pissed off now.

Follow your instincts and run the hell away.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 27/03/2024 07:26

Wrong choice my arse. He wants you walking on tiptoe trying not to make the wrong choice - that is no way to live. Luckily you haven't been together long and you aren't tied to him so you can make the right choice and run like the wind.

NerrSnerr · 27/03/2024 07:26

Please get rid. This will only get worse and he will try and control you more.

Mielbee · 27/03/2024 07:31

KalaMush · 27/03/2024 05:59

I think the thing about his phrase you made the wrong choice is the implication that there were two outcomes - one right and one wrong - like on an exam paper, and you got the wrong one. The fact that he didn't tell you this until after you got back makes it seem even more like an exam paper! You had to make your decision "in exam conditions".

The problems I would have with this are:

  1. He thinks that he's right and you're wrong - how arrogant. By phrasing it as "the wrong choice" he's implying there's no grey area or room for discussion here. This is controlling behaviour.
  2. By not telling you until you got back, rather than having a sensible conversation beforehand in which he says it would mean a lot to him if you didn't go, he's "testing" you. This is designed to make you get the "treading on eggshells" feeling common to many abusive relationships. Am I doing something wrong? Will he be cross with me?

Red flags here OP.

This, especially the bit about it being designed to give you the treading on eggshells feeling.

Cornettoninja · 27/03/2024 07:36

You made the wrong choice? Balls to that, he’s setting you tests you have no idea about.

it’s up to you either you ltb (I think you should though) but at a very minimum be aware that this is how his mind operates.

Angelil · 27/03/2024 07:37

Another one saying RUN FOR THE HILLS