Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

A comment my boyfriend made has really triggered me and I don’t know why

129 replies

Luciferthethird · 27/03/2024 00:49

I had a very long post written and then my phone died before i could post which says it all really

But the short version is I declined a girls trip because my boyfriend of 7 months had a weekend away planned, for reasons out of his control we had to postpone our weekend

Was I wrong to then go in the girls trip, ( that he assured me he was fine with me going, no problem at all and there would be no resentment) when I came home told me he felt I’d “made the wrong choice” and I should have chosen to spend the weekend with him and that he feels like he comes second.
He doesn’t but I also don’t want to put friends and family aside because I’m now in a relationship
its the made the wrong choice comment it triggers me and I don’t know why I felt like I was being gaslit buts not gaslighting or is it… I don’t know everything else is hunky dory i just can’t seem to get past this

OP posts:
Pombearprincess · 27/03/2024 07:38

I’d be asking him to explain how it was the wrong choice. I wouldn’t be letting it go. What does that even mean? I assume it was a great choice for you, as nothing else was on that weekend, and you had a great time with your girlfriends.

Johannalaw · 27/03/2024 07:38

Luciferthethird · 27/03/2024 00:49

I had a very long post written and then my phone died before i could post which says it all really

But the short version is I declined a girls trip because my boyfriend of 7 months had a weekend away planned, for reasons out of his control we had to postpone our weekend

Was I wrong to then go in the girls trip, ( that he assured me he was fine with me going, no problem at all and there would be no resentment) when I came home told me he felt I’d “made the wrong choice” and I should have chosen to spend the weekend with him and that he feels like he comes second.
He doesn’t but I also don’t want to put friends and family aside because I’m now in a relationship
its the made the wrong choice comment it triggers me and I don’t know why I felt like I was being gaslit buts not gaslighting or is it… I don’t know everything else is hunky dory i just can’t seem to get past this

Your boyfriend is manipulative. He is using controlling emotional blackmail.
Is this the first red flag?

Johannalaw · 27/03/2024 07:40

EveSix · 27/03/2024 06:41

This is why we have instincts, gut feeling, experience things as 'triggering': so we can pay attention and act accordingly. Hell, I even felt uncomfortable reading your post.

He's telling you now how it's going to be ‐don't get into any kind of mental gymnastics trying to tell yourself that you can 'get past' this. That's a really dangerous thing to do, making yourself complicit in his attempt at controlling you.

"He's telling you now how it's going to be"
Yes. He's is conditioning her. There are so many red flags with this guy. I feel terrible for OP.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
Ihearyousingingdownthewire · 27/03/2024 07:42

Controlling. Very controlling.

Be warned. He’s shown his true colours and those colours will only get brighter as time passes.

ZsaZsaTheCat · 27/03/2024 07:42

Different POV here.
I don’t believe you should just throw a relationship away every time you disagree on how to behave with each other. You don’t say how old you both are but in my experience when you are first getting to know people you need to stand up to certain behaviour and ‘ set the bar’. People bring all sorts of learned behaviour from their own families and earlier relationships.
So I would advise having this out with him and finding out why he said it, what’s behind it and why it upset you.
If he is unable to see he was wrong then I agree move on before you get further involved.
FWIW I have been with my partner for nearly 40 yrs and I can assure you that we both have changed and grown massively since we got together and look back on some of our insecurities and behaviour to each other like this 🙈

2024istheyearforme · 27/03/2024 07:44

Sorry but life is short. You enjoying life is priority. I would be dumping him, he's controlling and this is his red flag.

3luckystars · 27/03/2024 07:45

That isn’t a trigger, that’s a gut feeling. Please listen to it!

He is bad news.

Direstraightsagain · 27/03/2024 07:49

Say you want to talk to him (not row) later sit him down and go through it. I’d say to him that you can’t stop thinking about the comment.
you know you weren’t unreasonable to go away on the free weekend and he told you that he was fine with it
and then see how he reacts when you play it back again… eg we might go away next year etc … if he accepts the comment was a bit off - fine if he responds with more red flags you’re going to have to think about the relationship.. (it is off but in newish relationships people get jealous and say stupid things sometimes)

Johannalaw · 27/03/2024 07:51

Ihearyousingingdownthewire · 27/03/2024 07:42

Controlling. Very controlling.

Be warned. He’s shown his true colours and those colours will only get brighter as time passes.

Yep. That's how conditioning works. He(or she) keeps upping the dose until his(or her) extreme behaviour seems normal. He is trying to control the OP, and is testing to see whether she fights back.

I have two older brothers. When I was younger, a brash fellow law undergrad tried such behaviour. When I told my brothers what had happened, they 'had a quiet word with him'. We broke up soon after. It was only months and years later after talking to numerous people that I realised how naive I was. The word is not sunshine and unicorns. There are predators out there, and you have to know the warning signs.

Please, OP, get out of this relationship. Don't do it alone. If you have someone that can be there when you tell him you want out, use them. Block his numbers etc. If he persists, go to the police.

MandyFriend · 27/03/2024 07:54

I think you're right to be concerned about this comment. After 7 months, he's feeling pretty confident in showing his true colours. It's just one colour and that colour is red.... a huge red flag!

mixedemotionsonmanythings · 27/03/2024 07:56

I'd love a weekend to myself! Is he not capable of spending two days on his own without you, without feeling 'hard done by'? That seems a little strange!

But as with everything, more context is needed. If you're off and away constantly and don't make much time to see him then I can understand why he might react that way. If it's not a regular thing, then his response is worrying.

SmileyClare · 27/03/2024 08:08

3luckystars · 27/03/2024 07:45

That isn’t a trigger, that’s a gut feeling. Please listen to it!

He is bad news.

Agree.
He’s insecure, jealous and possessive. And that comment was designed to make you feel guilty for having a social life away from him.

You’re not “triggered” you’re seeing him for who he is.

I can’t seem to get passed this
Thats good 🥳 it means you’re not going to be manipulated by him and his power games.

Copperoliverbear · 27/03/2024 08:10

You should not have to get his permission, about he assured me he was fine with it ( he wasn't) are you sure he didn't book the little trip he planned on purpose on the same weekend.
I'm sorry get out why you are early on he's controlling, doesn't like you seeing friends and family, although at the moment doesn't stop you.
He will eventually isolate you from as many people as he can.
Please take my advice run as fast as you can and don't look back.
Sadly I speak from experience.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 27/03/2024 08:12

olympicsrock · 27/03/2024 06:02

Wow . When I go away with my girlfriends leaving him at home this is what happens.
Him
“ I hope you have a great time darling”
Me
Thanks

Him
” I’m so glad you had fun, you really deserved a weekend of fun with your friends, I’ve cooked us a nice dinner to welcome you home”

This is what should have happened.

Now run for the hills from this manipulative arsehole!

This describes a normal relationship. Not one being conducted in a red flag factory.

ILoveYouMore2022 · 27/03/2024 08:12

OP ask yourself, if, you were invited to go on another trip with friends this weekend, would you worry about what he would think/do/behave? Or just feel free to do whatever you fancy?

If it’s the former, then he’s already conditioned you to yield to his controlling ways.

Copperoliverbear · 27/03/2024 08:13

Everyone is saying the same thing.
I really hope she listens.

moonbeammagic · 27/03/2024 08:15

I'm going to take a stab in the dark and guess that he 'arranged' the weekend away after you mentioned the possibility of a girls trip. You foolishly prioritise him over your friends - that was your first mistake. As your boyfriend of 7 months, checking that he was okay with you going away with your friends was your second mistake. Your gut is telling you something isn't right - listen to it. For what it's worth, I agree with other posters, he's showing that he is controlling and manipulative. Listen to your gut.

TinaYouFatLard · 27/03/2024 08:24

ILoveYouMore2022 · 27/03/2024 08:12

OP ask yourself, if, you were invited to go on another trip with friends this weekend, would you worry about what he would think/do/behave? Or just feel free to do whatever you fancy?

If it’s the former, then he’s already conditioned you to yield to his controlling ways.

Exactly this.

Next time you’re invited away with the girls you will, at the very least, hesitate before agreeing. Over time you probably won’t bother going because it won’t be worth the fallout.

Best thing you can do is ditch this man. If you don’t you must put your foot down like a ton of bricks and make it crystal clear you will not be manipulated or guilt tripped. I have a feeling if you do he won’t stick around anyway.

RedxRobin · 27/03/2024 08:35

Run run run. I dated a guy like this when I was 18 & another stupidly a year later (because I clearly hadn't learnt my lesson the first time) - it will only get so much worse. I only woke up when I nearly got punched in the face for talking to someone he didn't like.
Break up with him straight away - you are worth so much more than someone trying to control your behaviour.

MyNamesGaryAndImAddictedToChips · 27/03/2024 08:48

Janpoppy · 27/03/2024 04:32

His behaviour should trigger you!

Why?

  1. He is dishonest - he reassured you that he was OK with you going, but he wasn't, or if he sincerely changed his mind then he is dishonest to blame you
  2. He doesn't take responsibility for his feelings
  3. He shows zero self awareness
  4. He makes you the problem and blamea you
  5. He tells you who you are, as if he is god or can be inside your mind to tell you when you've made a mistake
  6. He is makes himself superior and treats you as if you are inferior
  7. He is passive-aggressive, making strange comments rather than being direct
  8. You can't feel that safe talking with him as you didn't just ask him what he meant, so he is probably doing things to make you feel hesitant to talk to him

Are these enough reasons for why you would find yourself triggered?

Please listen to, and trust your instincts.

Everything this poster said, 100 percent.

WimpoleHat · 27/03/2024 09:01

It’s an odd form of words. “You made the wrong choice” is the sort of thing one of those terribly earnest, “we don’t say no” parents uses to a child who’s just misbehaved badly. If he’d said “I wish you hadn’t gone as I missed you”, that would’ve been different somehow (although would still cause eyes to roll at why he can’t cope by himself for a weekend). And - as pp have said - unless there’s a big reason why your weekend was cancelled (illness, bereavement), then why shouldn’t you go and do something you wanted with your friends? Yes - different if he’s just lost his job/his mum is very ill/he’s broken his leg and is housebound. But if it’s just one of those things, then why not revert to your original plans?

Original poster
Luciferthethird · 27/03/2024 09:19

I went to sleep after I posted last night and I think it had been keeping me up and I needed to get it of my chest.

The original trip was a Christmas gift it was organised previously to the girls trip, he had to postpone because there was no cover for him at work.

I was very surprised that when it was cancelled he didn’t immediately say oh go on your trip, have a good time no point in us both missing out. He did say we'll do something nice and I did originally say that was fine because it was quite last minute when he found out he couldn’t get off work but at the same time I think it tried to leave it as late as possible to sort.

I’m going to sit down with him this week and talk about it, I had an abusive ex and a wasn’t sure if I was overreacting but I see now I’m not.

I’ll just add I do go out and he’s seemingly fine with it, it has happened to work out on the weekend he has his kids and I had a few nights out around Christmas that were fine but I wonder if he had to be ok with it because it was so early in the relationship.

OP posts:
DarkDarkNight · 27/03/2024 09:21

Not gaslighting but it does show a desire to control you, and doesn’t bode well when you’ve only been together 7 months. It was perfectly fine to go on the girls trip after your weekend together fell apart. He’s not a baby, he doesn’t need you to be at his side all the time.

2under4 · 27/03/2024 09:23

7 months in! Wow, hardly any time at all. Sounds like it would have been fine for him to go away, but not you. Also, does he not have any friends, family or hobbies to occupy him for a weekend? Unless there's something else, like you've chested on him previously so he's suspicious, or someone's just died or something, I'd be thinking about binning him off. Has he elaborated on why he thinks it was "the wrong choice"?

colourfulcrochet · 27/03/2024 09:24

They often wait a while before starting to show their true colours. You've said you've been in abusive relationship before. Sorry to say, it often is the way that women are even more vulnerable to abusive relationships after leaving one, because they've been conditioned not to listen to their instincts. Yours are telling you there is something wrong with this relationship. Listen to yourself. Trust yourself. You deserve that.