Please tell me we all don’t end up like this

[Queijo]

Just spent a few days with my parents who are now entering their 70s.

The FAFFING. It took 25 minutes(!) to serve up lunch because they couldn’t find the right teapot, and then, horrors of horrors, it wasn’t the right ham. So they had to have a very intense discussion about the properties of ham. Whilst I’m slowly dying in the corner from hunger and frustration.

Cups of tea take decades to make, is this the cup you want? Do you want decaf? No? Oh ok I’ll just get the special non-decaf pot down. Are you sure you don’t want decaf? Right. Sugar? No sugar?! Since when?

Can’t say no to cup though or there’s 3 days of fraught discussions.

Lunch at 12 noon dinner at 6pm. CANNOT under any circumstance deviate, and if anything is taking slightly too long to cook it’s the end of the world. God alive 😂

I’m exhausted. Please tell me I’m not going to end up this way.

LIGHTHEARTED before anyone starts! I love them dearly but they never were like this before.

I just wish my mum could make a decision! At 74 yrs old she is hopeless. Do you want a coffee mum?I dont really know shall I ? on and on then you say ok have one later on then ,then she gets mad at you for not making her a coffee. Its exhausting!

@StockpotSoup , I used to work with someone like that!

‘It was on Wednesday, at least I think it was Wednesday, no, it was probably Tuesday, because I think it was raining on Tuesday so I had to go back for my umbrella, or was that Thursday? - no, I think it must have been Tuesday because that’s the day Mrs S and So from two doors away does her shopping, and she was just going out and said just as well I had my umbrella, so - anyway, where was I? Oh, yes, it was on Tuesday………’.

Bless her, she was very sweet, but…

Hmm. A bit faffy at 70 or ageist and judgemental at 30. Which to choose......

Sounds a bit like I feel when I hear/read about how PFB's routine is set in stone and can have absolutely no deviation! You're not the only ones who notice things except as a very oldie I find it hilarious! I used to get asked 'Do you have a routine yet?' when No 1 was born and I always replied 'Yes, today's routine is this but tomorrow's will probably be different!' Never saw the obsession.

This is why hobbies and activities and interests outside the home are important.

My PIL were like this in their 50s. I once left a sock at their house which then required many phone conversations about it and when I was coming (5 hours drive) to get it.
If you dared to leave the living room in the evening even briefly it would result in a 10 minute intense conversation about ‘where you had gone’ (usually the toilet). I used to find staying there so oppressive. They both still worked, MIL v.part time, but did very little else.

DH said if he ever went shopping with his mum she would literally inspect every item before putting it in the trolley, read all the ingredients, checked the use by, checked the prices. Said it would take hours but it was the main thing she did in a week.

Oh God. The faffing. THE FAFFING. It's the one thing about my mother that truly drives me to distraction. How long can it possibly take to leave the house. What. HOW. what is she actually doing. I can't imagine it would ever be me, I'd have to have a total personality transplant. But who knows. Never say Never I guess!

We don't all end up like that. I'm 70 and people faffing drives me mad. Unfortunately the other side of that is I am getting increasingly impatient with faffers and I must try to curb that.

The faffing! Took my parents to catch a train this week, told them that we would be leaving at 8:40am. I get there at 8:39 (after school run) thinking they’d be ready and would just get into the car (they’ve been up since 7) and they’re still both deciding which coat and shoes to wear. Mum is swapping things from one handbag to another and dad is looking for his train pass. Train obviously won’t wait for them!

I’ve also noticed how fussy my mum has got with food. They come and stay for a few nights every couple of months, and they’ve always eaten quite simply, and what one likes the other doesn’t. But we’re now at a stage where mum won’t eat pasta, processed meat (minced beef, bacon or sausages), shellfish or a curry that isn’t Indian (no matter how mild). Dad won’t eat anything at all made with any garlic or spice (salt and pepper only), anything that isn’t British or Italian (but mum won’t eat pasta) etc.

Salmon used to be my fall back but that for them is strictly once a week and they’d already had it two days earlier when they came to stay last time. We’re at fish and chips/potatoes and veg, a roast, pizzas and hunter chicken. They’re in good health.

I understand that tastes and tolerances change, but I hadn’t anticipated the impact it would have, and I also wonder whether it happens to everyone at some stage? My granny ate very little indeed as she got older, and always had to fancy something, she wouldn’t be able to just get something down her.

We are entering our sixties and this may be a generalisation but in my experience, and that of my friends, it is the husbands/ blokes who are welded to 3 x meals a day at fixed times! And endless watching of the news!

Left to our devices, my female friends and I are happy eating once a day, or on the hoof, and we are too busy to ever want to watch the telly!

My DH is a bit older than your mum, to avoid me attacking him or having a stroke due to what it does to my blood pressure I now just do it. Is a cup of coffee wasted? Possibly but is it worth it? Definitely.

I think there is something in aging and becoming more and more sensitive to stress.

My Mum could cope with school runs, activities, working, housework, and socialising - as part of a normal day. Now in her mid-70s she gets flustered if she has a doctor's and dentist appointment on the same day.

And to be honest, I see it creeping in with myself in situations like travelling. I'm far more fussy/flustered and stressed going on a holiday abroad than I ever was in say my 20s.

So for me it's either age related or it's internet/social media related. Don't know about anyone else but spending so much more time in front of a screen than I did in the 90s and 00's - I wonder if I've cluttered my head up. Indulging in activities like social media scrolling and it has led to some chronic procrastination habits. Not sure if it's just me getting older or if spending so much time indulging in mindless crap has made me that bit less resilient to everyday life.

Ha! My dad and stepmum are faffers, but always have been. Dad will shout that dinners ready, I used to go in to help plate up but it stresses me out too much. Dinner is usually on the table, barely warm, 20 mins after the “it’s ready announcement”.
Every single thing that goes on the plates it’s “is that enough broccoli for you or do you want that bit too? Do you think that’s enough chips for gs? do you want the crispy potato, or this big one? this plates not very warm, shall I put it in the oven for a minute? Have you done gravy? Which gravy jug should I use? I can’t eat four sausages, why have you cooked me four? I always have three”
Then when dinner is put out I’ll be told off for not sitting waiting at the table with cutlery in my hands - “Your dinner’s going cold!” Aaargh! It was cold 10 minutes ago when you were discussing the fate of each individual piece of carrot!

Well you lovely bunch have got me into real trouble this morning! I was 15 mins late with the usual how are you phone call with my mum and shes put the phone down on me!! I rang back to see what was wrong and I have ruined her day as she was watching and had been looking forward to watching a wedding on Lorraine! I blame you lot for keeping me faffing reading this fab thread!!!

OMG.
Well, I'm 60+ and I'll bloody faff if I want to.
A pejorative term really, for what? Politeness? Concern? Interest? Not so wrapped up in my busy life to take time... to listen to the birds; to wonder which pot to plant my sweetpea seeds in; to scroll through these posts (I see a lot of that type of faffing here); to ask my children which kind of sandwiches they really want - I mean, have they considered all the options?
I do think complaining about this is a bit vanilla, even, dare I say it, self-obsessed? Patronising? We aren't another species you know. Just a bit older, wiser (maybe), and more careful (maybe). I've never been so busy.
I'm off to faff again now, not on Mumsnet, but over which kind of breakfast I'm going to have. And I'm looking forward to that first cup of coffee, doing nothing except looking out at the wind in the trees. Yep. Faffing.
PS: I wish I had my faffing parents faffing back with me again.

The sad bit is when you realise that you yourself are starting to Faff. I want a new fountain pen because. . . . . . . . . .
Now I have turned 80. Where the F* am I headed? Philosophically speaking.

I'm definitely seeing this with my parents too. My DM's not even 70 yet, but has now been retired 4 years with my Dad having been retired for nearly 10 years.

Everything is a drawn out process and everything is set out just so.

The process of going to bed takes forever too, as they have to set everything out for breakfast the next morning (though in fairness they've always done this, under the guise of it being easier to get out the door for work).

The breakfast plates are taken out the cupboard, the kettle is filled with filtered water (which they might have to filter first), then the tea pot is pre-armed with tea bags and the cosy next to it. A spoon is taken out of the drawer and put on the spoon rest next to the kettle, etc.

When DH and I stay over we go up to bed, brush our teeth, get in to bed and turn the lights off before they've even so much as looked at the stairs!

When they stay with us they turn up looking like they're staying for a week even if it's just for one night! The dog has his own suitcase and my parents bring one large one between them because they must bring their giant dressing gowns.

My DM was saying the other day that their housing situation may become a little difficult in the future as if my DF predeceases her (most likely unfortunately) she will likely lose entitlement to the house she's in now. The thought of her potentially, even albeit temporarily while we sort something else out, having to move in with us filled me with an enormous amount of anxiety!

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore them both, but my God I couldn't live with them again (and they absolutely say the same about me!).

The change I have noticed with age is how much time I allow to get places, particularly for something like catching a train. I think it is roadworks rather than age though as for the last couple of years my town seems to have had every bit of road dug up twice, roads moved in some cases it seems like a few inches to one side because of something like the "visibility splay" needing to be different. All these roadworks have held me up on the way to the station more than once, and yes I am that mad 70 year old woman jumping out of the car at temporary traffic lights, waving goodbye to DH, as I sprinting the last 800 yds to the station.

I now prefer to leave extra time even if it means me sitting on a cold platform for 20 minutes.

Oh god yes, or when your dc do all the ticket ordering on Ticketmaster because it's too complicated nowadays or when I pause too long to wonder which coat to take before leaving the house.

It creeps up on us all

No I'm a chaos merchant, always was and always will be. Being 70 hasn't changed that and I don't reckon being 80 will either.

Love the phrase chaos merchant!

interesting. growing up I would go to my northern European grandparents in the summer and spent the rest of the summer time with the southern ones (divorced parents). so I always thought this was a culture thing - the northern ones were all about the right cups and cutlery, coasters under the tea, everyone has to sit straight on the table, meals at the right time, and talk endlessly and quietly about the weather until you go into a coma... The southern ones were the opposite, chaotic, heated talking, but no ceremonies, no coasters, all very relaxed - the frustration with them were the constant bickering and family fights...

so what you are saying is that this can happen to any of us! the horror. I dont want to be a faffer...though I am starting to like my Sunday family dinner table routines.

interesting points here about becoming less resilient to stress as you age and finding comfort in routines....I guess as we age we become kids again and need routines again...

My mum isn't bound by routine (and she always laughs about people who are!) but she's definitely got more anxious about certain things as she's got older. Which is odd because she's incredibly chilled and independent about other things.

For example, she will absolutely not come and visit me by train (we live 200 miles apart) because she is scared of getting it wrong somehow, but recently just casually dropped into the conversation that she'd been at the hospital all day last week for a colonoscopy in relation to suspected bowel cancer. She's never thought to mention this to any of us until now and isn't remotely worried about it.

Also last summer she mentioned that she'd been taking it easy for a few days because she'd hurt her knee. I asked how she'd done that and she said "I fell out of a tree".

She's 80 years old ffs

Also last summer she mentioned that she'd been taking it easy for a few days because she'd hurt her knee. I asked how she'd done that and she said "I fell out of a tree”.

😂lucky you, she is definitely a relaxed mum! mine would not be on the tree in the first place, but if she hurted her knee somehow she would be checking herself into a hospital straight away and calling everyone she knows to give the news.

I was accused of faffing over the weekend because whenever I offered our guests who are part-time vegans and part-time gluten-intolerant (ie, they say they are vegan and gluten intolerant, but if there's Haagen Dazs chocolate ice cream, or a buttery croissant, or Stilton or a pizza in the fridge then suddenly they're not) I gave them the option of dairy, oat or soya milk. And a choice of builder's tea, or Earl Grey or English Breakfast. Or coffee.

'Stop faffing,' they said. Followed by: 'We'll have an organic Assam if you've got it. Weak, black. Or a camomile — but only if it's organic. Or a Rooibos. With oat milk. Leave the bag in.'

I think modern life, with all its choices, makes faffing almost inevtiable.

Cognitive decline, its coming your way. People who were brought up in the War years or by parents who lived through it, often like routine and have worries about food. The world has moved on so fast, the pace is quickening. Not everybody can manage a 5 minute window to do tasks. Some people prefer life in the slower lane.