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Original poster

Please tell me we all don’t end up like this

360 replies

Queijo · 26/03/2024 22:30

Just spent a few days with my parents who are now entering their 70s.

The FAFFING. It took 25 minutes(!) to serve up lunch because they couldn’t find the right teapot, and then, horrors of horrors, it wasn’t the right ham. So they had to have a very intense discussion about the properties of ham. Whilst I’m slowly dying in the corner from hunger and frustration.

Cups of tea take decades to make, is this the cup you want? Do you want decaf? No? Oh ok I’ll just get the special non-decaf pot down. Are you sure you don’t want decaf? Right. Sugar? No sugar?! Since when?

Can’t say no to cup though or there’s 3 days of fraught discussions.

Lunch at 12 noon dinner at 6pm. CANNOT under any circumstance deviate, and if anything is taking slightly too long to cook it’s the end of the world. God alive 😂

I’m exhausted. Please tell me I’m not going to end up this way.

LIGHTHEARTED before anyone starts! I love them dearly but they never were like this before.

OP posts:
VickyEadieofThigh · 27/03/2024 14:49

judgementfail · 27/03/2024 14:08

We once travelled from Australia to the UK and had a window of a week to visit PILs. They knew well in advance when we would be there and both are well retired and spend their days pottering.

DH called them to say we'd be there on Saturday. There was a huge fuss because they were busy that weekend and could we come on Monday instead. That would mean we had less than two days to spend with them having traveled 12,000 miles or we would have to miss out seeing friends (who worked and had kids so had limited time but had cleared their diary specifically)
I was pretty pissed off with this and asked DH to press them on whether their plans could be changed.

Absolutely not.

Saturday was the day they go to the farm shop and on Sunday they were going to the garden centre as they had some seedlings to pot.

What did you do in the end? I have to say I'd have said "Fuck it!" and either not gone at all or just gone ofr the 2 days - no way would I have screwed my plans with friends for this nonsense.

Newestname002 · 27/03/2024 14:57

@judgementfail

Saturday was the day they go to the farm shop and on Sunday they were going to the garden centre as they had some seedlings to pot.

That's absolutely mad! What did you do in the end - hopefully present them with a fait accompli which worked for you? 🌹

SparkyBlue · 27/03/2024 15:00

Both my parents worked fulltime my mum was never a sahm and my dad worked up until his seventieth birthday in a public facing role with a fair amount of responsibility so always fairly active sociable people who mixed well and had lots of friends but my god now you'd nearly need a tablet to calm your blood press after an hour in their house. If my mum calls to me (I live a bus trip across the town) she'll be rushing away as she needs to get my dad's dinner and they like to eat at a certain time. I offered to bring her shopping for a particular piece of new furniture and she couldn't come as my timings didn't suit her routine. She couldn't get her head around having an earlier breakfast. The dramas over their bins need to be heard to be believed.

bunsnroses1 · 27/03/2024 15:30

I hope it's not inevitable, but a lot of people do end up like this. My step dad was a Wing Commander in the RAF- retirement and age turned this WW2 hero into a Olympic level faff-er. His week revolved around the release of the Aldi/Lidl "Special Buys'. Many hours were spent pouring over the magazines and debating what to buy. I miss him .

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 27/03/2024 15:36

TwigletsAndRadishes · 27/03/2024 12:20

This is definitely my mother now. She's 77. Even trying to tell me a simple story takes forever and is punctuated by an excessive number of irrelevant words. A typical anecdote goes like this:

'um...you know, so anyway, um, I er, I you know, I said to him, I said, the point is Brian, the point is, you know, er.. so....was that on Monday? I think it was Monday. Might have been Tuesday because I had the doctors on Monday, but anyway I saw my neighbour Janet and I was telling her and she agreed with me about Brian, so I said to him, I said, you know....'

The other day I actually lost patience and said 'for god's sake mum, spit it out!'

When she comes to my house she insists on trying to 'help' by unloading the dishwasher, except that she doesn't actually put anything away because she doesn't know where it all goes, so she piles it up on the counter where I am forced to put it away immediately myself whether I wanted to or not, because there's no space anywhere if I don't. Then she'll start washing up when I have a dishwasher 2/3rds full and just waiting to be full so I can run it. When I say 'mum please just leave it because I want to put it in the dishwasher' she'll say 'Oh I don't mind, it's only a few bits, it won't take long.' Let's just get it out of the way.' Completely missing the point.

When I am in a hurry to get out of the house, or to do something important she always chooses that moment to do or say something completely non urgent and faffy and unimportant, even though she knows I am busy with something else. My DH went to collect her on Christmas morning and as soon as she walked into the kitchen to say hello, she insisted on emptying out two carrier bags of old clothes she'd bought with her in case I or any of the young adult DC wanted them. Hmm 'Do you think XXX (my 25 year old) could use this fleece for work? I know it's probably not the height of fashion but it's lovely quality and very warm.' She's 77 for crying out loud. What 25 year old wears the same clothes as their Gran?

There were 12 people in the house and I was up to my neck in turkey giblets and parsnip peelings and she wanted to give me blow by blow account of every item in the bags, where it was from, what she paid for it and why she's never really worn it. This was pretty much before she even took her coat off.

I said to my DC afterwards 'if I ever get like that, you have my permission to shoot me. In fact I insist on it.'

The astorytelling sounds like Barb from the Royle Family, always gave me and DH a good laugh. I'm not quite like that but I easily lose conversational threads and have to re-anchor. My aphasia pisses me off - I hate starting a sentence and hitting a brick wall before the end. Sometimes I can find my way round, or sometimes we have one of those awful "oh you known who I mean" conversations (argghh) or sometimes I give up. The missing word will come back but only when I don't need it any more, the bastard.

My DH went to collect her on Christmas morning and as soon as she walked into the kitchen to say hello, she insisted on emptying out two carrier bags of old clothes she'd bought with her in case I or any of the young adult DC wanted them.

Ooh, be careful! You and your Mum think the same way so when you get to your Mum's age you will probably be doing the same.

Your Mum is trying to make a social connection and be involved. Only she's doing it in a practical way (giving clothes, emptying the dishwasher) and on her terms (not thinking about whether anyone wants the clothes or whether you're busy or whether you want the dishwasher emptied or filled, and talking when she wants to)

Same as you are making a social and emotional connection in a practical way (collecting her for Christmas, making a complex dinner) and on your terms (collecting her just in time so dinner will be ready) You share a strong sense that your way is the best/right/only way and the best/right/only time.

It's not realistic to do it at Christmas, but it would help in the long run if you stopped, stepped back mentally, and really thought about how your mother is processing and trying to connect. And make more time and mental space for that connection.

I said to my DC afterwards 'if I ever get like that, you have my permission to shoot me. In fact I insist on it.'

Now that's shortsighted. It's not giving your children the perspective or the tools to deal more comfortably with their gran, or maybe in future with you.

Nanny0gg · 27/03/2024 15:42

Queijo · 26/03/2024 22:30

Just spent a few days with my parents who are now entering their 70s.

The FAFFING. It took 25 minutes(!) to serve up lunch because they couldn’t find the right teapot, and then, horrors of horrors, it wasn’t the right ham. So they had to have a very intense discussion about the properties of ham. Whilst I’m slowly dying in the corner from hunger and frustration.

Cups of tea take decades to make, is this the cup you want? Do you want decaf? No? Oh ok I’ll just get the special non-decaf pot down. Are you sure you don’t want decaf? Right. Sugar? No sugar?! Since when?

Can’t say no to cup though or there’s 3 days of fraught discussions.

Lunch at 12 noon dinner at 6pm. CANNOT under any circumstance deviate, and if anything is taking slightly too long to cook it’s the end of the world. God alive 😂

I’m exhausted. Please tell me I’m not going to end up this way.

LIGHTHEARTED before anyone starts! I love them dearly but they never were like this before.

Stuff can take a bit longer (getting out of the house)

But the other stuff - for me - not yet thank god!

Janiie · 27/03/2024 15:44

bunsnroses1 · 27/03/2024 15:30

I hope it's not inevitable, but a lot of people do end up like this. My step dad was a Wing Commander in the RAF- retirement and age turned this WW2 hero into a Olympic level faff-er. His week revolved around the release of the Aldi/Lidl "Special Buys'. Many hours were spent pouring over the magazines and debating what to buy. I miss him .

Don't say you miss him, he's still here!

Some people change as they get older. Some don't, yes we've had 70 and 80yr olds still running marathons and working full time it seems but the majority slow down, their world becomes a bit smaller but that is fine. Manage your expectations and just go with it.

Nothing wrong with Lidi and Aldi special buys obsessions Grin.

Hattie98 · 27/03/2024 15:47

I'm convinced true faffers are born that way.

My MIL was only in her 50s when we met and she was already a fully-fledged faffer. I've never seen anyone stress about which cutlery set to lay the table with before. Perhaps this one? Or maybe that one? Or then again, this one? No, actually that one would be better; perhaps we should clear this one away and re-lay the table using that one instead. I'm not sure. What do you think?

I think we should just eat the sodding food before it gets cold, actually, but I'm clearly in a minority...

She's in her 70s now, and reluctant to leave the house if it's dark, wet, cold, or if there's any possibility she might need to use a loo that isn't her own loo in her own home.

People's traits (positive and negative) often seem to get exaggerated with age.

AnnaSewell · 27/03/2024 16:05

My mother has always been very slow. Even the simplest meal would require full setting of the table, placemats, central mats, cups and saucers rather than mugs. Milk in a jug not a carton. If she 'thought of something' during the table setting, that 'something' would have to be done straight away so it wouldn't be forgotten later. Marmalade might be put out even if nobody actually wanted marmalade, simply because once - five years back - I'd once expressed a desire for marmalade. Toast would be done, 2 pieces a time, under the very slow electric grill, because toasters make crumbs. If water glasses were required they'd have to be taken down from a high shelf, which involved getting out a stepstool, then putting it back. If she were making say, baked beans on toast, the empty tin of beans would have to be rinsed and then taken out to a recyling bin in the garage. After a meal, the table would need to be wiped and the floor swept. All washing up would be done by hand and put away. I can definitely see this as a two hour job when she got a bit older and slower on her feet.

BresciaBike · 27/03/2024 16:11

menopausalmare · 26/03/2024 22:35

When you have lots of spare time on your hands, you can drive and walk slowly, write letters to the council about wheelie bins and go through the Radio Times with a highlighter and check for TV/ radio programme clashes (and before anyone complains about my ageism, I'm referring to my own parents).
Faffing helps to fill the day.

That sounds like an amazing day right now!

Ponytailsandpinot · 27/03/2024 16:11

bunsnroses1 · 27/03/2024 15:30

I hope it's not inevitable, but a lot of people do end up like this. My step dad was a Wing Commander in the RAF- retirement and age turned this WW2 hero into a Olympic level faff-er. His week revolved around the release of the Aldi/Lidl "Special Buys'. Many hours were spent pouring over the magazines and debating what to buy. I miss him .

Aldi/Lidl "Special Buys" Grin

My dad lives for these.

Damnedidont · 27/03/2024 16:14

DH and I are like this .... on the upside we are currently rewatching and enjoying a whole slew of programmes that we know we have watched before but can't remember!

Ponytailsandpinot · 27/03/2024 16:15

AnnaSewell · 27/03/2024 16:05

My mother has always been very slow. Even the simplest meal would require full setting of the table, placemats, central mats, cups and saucers rather than mugs. Milk in a jug not a carton. If she 'thought of something' during the table setting, that 'something' would have to be done straight away so it wouldn't be forgotten later. Marmalade might be put out even if nobody actually wanted marmalade, simply because once - five years back - I'd once expressed a desire for marmalade. Toast would be done, 2 pieces a time, under the very slow electric grill, because toasters make crumbs. If water glasses were required they'd have to be taken down from a high shelf, which involved getting out a stepstool, then putting it back. If she were making say, baked beans on toast, the empty tin of beans would have to be rinsed and then taken out to a recyling bin in the garage. After a meal, the table would need to be wiped and the floor swept. All washing up would be done by hand and put away. I can definitely see this as a two hour job when she got a bit older and slower on her feet.

My friends' parents, if they do several pizzas, do one at a time in the oven Hmm
Oven has three shelves but when friend asked why they didn't put them all in at once, was told how they were different brands of pizza and had slightly different timings so rather than put them all in at the same time and take them out as appropriate a few minutes apart, they did them one at a time. Getting 3 pizzas done took the best part of an hour. No amount of logic would change how they did that.

AnnaSewell · 27/03/2024 16:21

So are the first pizzas left to grow cold while the third and final pizza is cooked? I need to know.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 27/03/2024 16:23

enchantedsquirrelwood · 27/03/2024 11:28

I think the world is full of faffers and non-faffers.

My mum is nearly 85 and still very brisk and non-faffy.

I agree with the pp who said about their DH in his 60s though. DH says he's going out, and half an hour later he is still here. I fear he may be turning into a faffer although he is efficient enough getting out to work.

Whereas I say I am going out and have gone 5 minutes later!

Early training. DM spent a lot of our childhoods shouting up the stairs 'We're going in FIVE MINUTES and if you're not ready there is going to be TROUBLE. Come down here and get into the car NOW because we are LEAVING!' So none of us are faffers - we are ready and we are out of the door (in fact I have a lot of trouble not being way too early for stuff and having to hang around waiting for things to begin)

Even when DM died she was like that - as DB observed, she was ready to leave so she did. No fuss, no hanging around.

fluffycloudalert · 27/03/2024 16:41

DH faffs already. He's the sort of person who decides to cram 17 errands in to an hour's shopping trip, and then wonder why he is always running late.

MoreCandles · 27/03/2024 16:51

Me and dh are just turned 70 and we've managed to get out of 14 different escape rooms in under the hour, best time 42 mins. We're the opposite of faffers!

Bloody love a good escape room.

Mistymountain · 27/03/2024 16:57

Is it an age thing or is it a person thing? I'm 65 never faffed, don't faff now, my DIL on the other hand ....

SplendidUtterly · 27/03/2024 16:57

My grandparents were like this.
The ham sandwich faff was relentless.
Oh, and when i said i didn't want milk in my tea because i was going dairy free you would've thought the world had come to an end!

SplendidUtterly · 27/03/2024 17:07

@edgeware "going back for one last wee"😂
It's infuriating isn't it? My mum does this even though she only went 10 minutes before but of course has to try to sqeeze "one more out" before she can leave the house!

katseyes7 · 27/03/2024 17:08

Is it an age thing or is it a person thing? I'm 65 never faffed, don't faff now,
I think it's a person thing. I'm 65, and l've never faffed and l don't now.
I('m likely being totally unreasonable and twattish) but l find it extremely annoying. It utterly amazes me how some people have/do hold down a job/run a house/bring up children when putting shopping in bags seems to be such a faff.

eggplant16 · 27/03/2024 17:09

I know this was supposed to be lighthearted but its starting to feel throughly unpleasant.
Cognitive and physical decline are coming your way , whether you like it or not.
How cruel we are to older people.

Crikeyalmighty · 27/03/2024 17:25

My FIL is now 84 and he hasn't gone down the faffer route but has become very routine orientated and is obsessed with conspiracy theories- every bit of spam he is sure is out to get his bank details etc or 'how did they get his email address etc'

DilemmaDelilah · 27/03/2024 17:33

I will be that old in a few years, and DH is there already. I'm definitely not a faffer - I'm a planner. I would have decided on the teapot and decaff the day before and got it all ready. DH isn't a faffer, but he is a leave it to the last minuter, and then he panics. So we suit each other 😁

Janiie · 27/03/2024 17:44

eggplant16 · 27/03/2024 17:09

I know this was supposed to be lighthearted but its starting to feel throughly unpleasant.
Cognitive and physical decline are coming your way , whether you like it or not.
How cruel we are to older people.

Yes it is quite unpleasant, intolerance rife. Anxious 'faffy' people probably hate it and would love to be more laid back.

We are who we are and as has been said negative traits get magnified as we get older so just be nice!