Please tell me we all don’t end up like this

[Queijo]

Just spent a few days with my parents who are now entering their 70s.

The FAFFING. It took 25 minutes(!) to serve up lunch because they couldn’t find the right teapot, and then, horrors of horrors, it wasn’t the right ham. So they had to have a very intense discussion about the properties of ham. Whilst I’m slowly dying in the corner from hunger and frustration.

Cups of tea take decades to make, is this the cup you want? Do you want decaf? No? Oh ok I’ll just get the special non-decaf pot down. Are you sure you don’t want decaf? Right. Sugar? No sugar?! Since when?

Can’t say no to cup though or there’s 3 days of fraught discussions.

Lunch at 12 noon dinner at 6pm. CANNOT under any circumstance deviate, and if anything is taking slightly too long to cook it’s the end of the world. God alive 😂

I’m exhausted. Please tell me I’m not going to end up this way.

LIGHTHEARTED before anyone starts! I love them dearly but they never were like this before.

It doesn’t happen to everyone. My father in law is 73 and mother in law is 69. My father in law is building a house with some help from mother in law (father in law is a joiner to trade) whilst also running a training company teaching HGV drivers CPC. My parents are 70 & 65 years old and both retired but they like going to the cinema, out for curries every week, look after grandchildren and fill their days with different things. No faffing here.

I got comments recently by woman on my course for bag insanity - two.

I tried to justify with was coming a long way but she came further - though she has 15 minute car journey I had 45 minuets via two buses and way back bus and then 45 minute walk - I wanted water proof/warmth coats and capacity to take off - could probably have carried less though just wanted stuff with me in case then a lot of detritus as well - medication and extra and extra tissues and drink and throats sweets.

Kids said recent trip into nearby city why are you bring extra bag - thought why am I and put back then ended needing to but very small bag for 20p and then a normal sized one for another 20p.

So yes I think I could easily end up with multiple bags in old age.

I do this now in 40s - it because every time I been told I won't need a purse turns out I probably did - ie whole experience would have been better if could have bought a drink or something.

I tend to have one bag full of stuff including asthma meds and sanpro so can just pick up and go without having to think too much- getting asthmatic teens to have similar though with hip bags - money keys and medicine any passes all ready to pick up and go.

IL used to do pick up keys go for long walk with them and shit asthma attack and they didn't have kids inhaler. Also MIL was forever transferring between handbags and then not having stuff as well - and time that all took and fuss was astounding.

Older people faff and younger ones (the tik tokgeneration) preen

We once travelled from Australia to the UK and had a window of a week to visit PILs. They knew well in advance when we would be there and both are well retired and spend their days pottering.

DH called them to say we'd be there on Saturday. There was a huge fuss because they were busy that weekend and could we come on Monday instead. That would mean we had less than two days to spend with them having traveled 12,000 miles or we would have to miss out seeing friends (who worked and had kids so had limited time but had cleared their diary specifically)
I was pretty pissed off with this and asked DH to press them on whether their plans could be changed.

Absolutely not.

Saturday was the day they go to the farm shop and on Sunday they were going to the garden centre as they had some seedlings to pot.

Brilliant and all being well health permitting this is exactly DH & I outlook. Unless illness takes its toll your 60s and 70s are for living life to the full with many busier than ever working full time and a lot still do, even running a country in many cases 🤔

Have you had the road atlas conversation yet?

You know, the one where they talk about where you came from and which way you came, and how long it took, and how you really should have come a different way instead, and on the way home you need to ignore the bypass and go the old route through the villages and take the third turn on the left where the plastics factory used to be, but hang on, isn't it a B&Q now, no - it's a Wilko, no, that's closed down, what is it now then, oh never mind, turn left there anyway.😂

I think there’s a key difference between pottering and faffing. Some of the PPs have talked about the joys of faffing (choosing hot or cold sandwich, mulling over how to plant the garden) when actually that’s a really healthy way to enjoy a no-pressure lifestyle.

Faffing is far more annoying, being a combination of over-the-top panic about the “correct” cups, the “right way” to butter a sandwich, which local library to visit, and also dithering in doorways, taking 30 minutes upwards to put on shoes and a coat to go 500m to the corner shop.

It’s not leisurely, it’s extremely stressful for bystanders, particularly if you’re ND and already want to bite your own arm off at the conversations about on which day something minuscule took place or who’s dead cousin’s wife’s barber they thought they saw at the bus stop. (To be fair, though, I love my faffers. I just really really really wish they didn’t faff.)

Sometimes when I go out these days I miss having a Mum with her bag full of all things we might need.

Moominmamma was so beautifully observed!

Of course all my Mum's planning and checking and faffing was really irritating at the time, I didn't see why we couldn't just go.

I'm also a one-bag woman. I wonder if it just becomes a habit. And we must collect memories of all the times we didn't have the one thing that would have made the day so much easier...

My husband and I are mid- 60s and don't behave like that (yet, anyway)

I wonder if it just becomes a habit. And we must collect memories of all the times we didn't have the one thing that would have made the day so much easier...

That's true.

I think DH finds it easier as pockets and wallet - so he always has potential option of buying the items plus he spent less time in remote locations with no shops.

Were as few to no useful pockets in my clothes it's much easier to have handbag.

My DDs think they've avoided the whole handbag situation - they look for pockets more than I do but they have these biker/hiker hip bags which are essentially doing the same job strapped to there sides.

I’m having flashbacks…

Adding - except of course that among the things that go in my one bag are three folding bags. Because I might pass a shop. Or want to take off my hat and gloves. I'm prepared!

But then it's very hard to find anything in my Bag of Everything. Finding things in my bag is a.... faff.

Seriously this made me laugh. Most mid 60s I know are either still working, going skiing, or kicking their heels up going to concerts etc also running about after Grandchildren. Wait until 80s then say this. You sound like your living life though 😁

But then it's very hard to find anything in my Bag of Everything. Finding things in my bag is a.... faff.

You can get bag organisers to go in handbags - supposed to make swapping between them easier as well - though I just tend to go for ones with internal pockets and dividers.

I tend to accumulate receipts - which aren't needed until suddenly they are then you can't find it.

I'm in the once a faffer, always a faffer camp. I have friends who were like this in their twenties. I think inate character traits can get more pronounced as we get older (may be less need or energy to minimise, counteract or mask them?).

I'm also a stronger believer of 'use or lose it'. The first time I went out for a day trip after Covid lockdown restrictions eased (just to meet a friend in a nearby city), It took me an age to get ready when I'm normally a grab-and-go type. I can see retirement (unless there is sufficient purpose, productivity and social interaction in other ways) having a detrimental impact on anxiety, indecision and procrastination. It's made me think more carefully about early retirement.

Sorry but the obsession with retirement creates this.They need to do something and soon

"I can't understand in supermarkets, couples go around the aisles together having a conference about every single item. Why?!"

This was especially bad during lockdown. Couples of all age groups feeling the need to shop together, and block aisles while they made major decisions about buying the most mundane, everyday items like bread and milk.

My local supermarket used to play announcements asking that people shop alone, and basically get in and get out quickly because of queues outside, social distancing etc. But, no, they went unheeded by the couples brigade.

I'm retired and not a faffer, but can see my DH will be heading that way. I agree that it's not so much age that brings this on but it's more about what you've always been like. DH is very organised and meticulous whereas I thrive more on chaos.

I won’t allow DH to come shopping with me, it’s not a social activity. I have a list and I want to be out asap.

I think some faffing is the need to pretend to be incredibly busy. It’s the those kind of people who need to declare every task they are doing.

There is truth in this, I worked part time till just before my 70th birthday, I still go in occasionally when they want a bit of support with something. I. do think it has kept me mentally fitter. I like being with younger people, I do have very little patience with the faffers.

Went on holiday with DP’s parents once. DD was tiny and we hired a cottage.

Breakfast was three courses from 8.30am to 11am - DP’s dad spent an hour painstakingly cutting up fruit, then he washed up and made them cereal, then washed up and made them a fried egg on toast.

Then they’d start asking about lunch. Getting out of the house to go anywhere took forever and when we tried to even pop out for a quick pint somewhere before tea DP’s mum insisted on them coming too. Their fussing and faffing made doing anything pretty joyless.

Came home after a week and to DP’s disappointment I said never again.

My DMum is in her 80s and still a very impatient “get in her car and go” type which I think is why I find DP’s parents so hard.

Yep faffing has definitely increased since they both retired. Trying to leave the house with the pair of them is worse than getting toddlers out the door!

They are still very active, interesting people with hobbies etc. and very involved in various things, but fucking hell having to wait around for a 66 year old man to pack up the kitchen sink to walk half an hour to the pub is a bit much lol.

Excellent points here.

At home ds rolls his eyes at my minor faffing at getting out the door.. when we visit my parents then we both roll our eyes at their major faffing! And my dad used to be out the door and on the 7am train to London until he retired.