Does anyone else have a sister in law they don't get on with?

[LastnightIDreamedofManderley]

This is something that doesn't bother me as such, but clearly has enough for me to post a thread about.
I've always tried to be chatty with her (despite my introversion) and to be friendly, but she really shows no interest towards me. Known her for over 5 years. It's the kind of situation where I'd ask how are you, how's work going etc, I get the bare minimum answers and she never asks me anything of myself, hence no relationship has developed.
I find it a little depressing, as clearly she's decided she doesn't like me but I'm not sure why, as every time I see her I do make an effort to engage her in conversation/show I'm interested but I get nothing back. Makes me feel a little shitty, as it'd be nice to have some sort of relationship but it's clearly not happening. Is anyone else experiencing this? Am I doing something wrong? I don't think I am, actually, but it seems only right that I query it!

I cant stand one of mine and I told her so. I just refuse to put up with the rubbish.

So sorry you’re going through this. My SIL basically disowned me, my husband, and our kid because she was mad at our kid over an incident. She runs that entire family like she’s the matriarch of it. Never admits fault. Never apologizes. And now other family members in allegiance to her have turned against me. So my son is guilting himself, thinking he broke up the family, and my husband feels like he has no family left. The whole thing is awful, sad, and pathetic. The worst part is we used to be really really close. But she blew it up like it meant nothing. So yes, I understand. And I’m sorry anyone has to experience this!

I have a SIL who is fine when we are together with family but if I bump into her in the street, she blanks me. Weird.

I think it is because I married the older and most successful of the brothers 😁

She isn't your sister in law. You refer to your partner, so as you're not married to her brother she's not anything in law to you. You're her brother's girlfriend.

I'm surprised you say she has mental health issues and your mental health nurse, but you don't get it.

One of my friends I know through the gym, completely blanks me on occasion and looks right through me. It goes on for a very long time before she opens up again and bothers to speak to me. She's not rude she has bipolar. So am I notice she's ignoring me or not engaging, leave her alone because I know she's struggling with her mental health and it's nothing to do with me. I don't take any offence to it w.hatsoever.

It may have nothing to do with you.I wouldn't take it so personally just leave her alone.

EditI missed the part where she might not even be your partner's sister. Maybe her partner and your partner, are brothers distance you even further.

Either way she's either your partner's sister, or both of your partners are brothers. I think it's quite unkind to say she's simpers after MIL, maybe she has a better relationship with her. Mil is her child's grandmother after all.

I think you're taking this far too personally.

Ohhh yes!! For 40 years. DH's sister. Complete cow. Demanded to be a bridesmaid at our wedding without giving us an opportunity to ask her. Paid no heed at all to our children over the years who are her only blood DNs. Christmas presents were coming, birthday cards were coming, and most of the time they never did.

Saw her at most once a year, and that was plenty. When she had her one and only, her DC was MIL's blue eyed child but she didn't take a lot of interest in our three.

Now the family had gone through tough times just before she married her partner, and they were having a smallish wedding. Her friends and her cousin and her DH were invited. DH was invited. I wasn't. The kids and I were only allowed at the evening do and she never spoke to us all night. I didn't particularly want to go to her wedding but the rudeness stuck and I took a step right back. That's probably about 15 years ago. She was always attention seeking on Facebook so I stopped even interacting with her there. She has no relationship with our now adult children, and it was entirely her doing. We have never exchanged a cross word.

I think you just have to accept that some people are different, some are introverted or uncomfortable in social situations.

My SiL is the complete opposite of me. She has been a SAHM for 25 years, has an influencer page, is very up on her makeup and clothes, although not to my taste. The things she values are completely different to the things I value. I have a career, a different style, am single and independent. Our hobbies are complete opposites.

But my brother is happy so if we go to see him, and she is a bit silent, it doesn't matter. I'm polite and just let her get on with retreating in to her magazine.

Yes, we have one who hates us all! None of us know what we're supposed to have done but to be fair we didn't care enough to find out, we just just kept the peace for my brothers sake.

Mine isn't the least bit introverted! And she is very close to her now husband's side and they all hang out together regularly! And my big dope of a husband doesn't seem to see it, and meets up with her for coffee often because he spends part of the working week near where she lives! The last time she invited the kids up was 3 years ago. They drove for an hour and a half, got there and she had no food for them, and told them she had a hairdresser's appointment in less than an hour! TG I was working!!

There was one time many years ago we were there and my eldest sat in an armchair. Unknown to DC SIL's mobile was on the back of it and fell off - and she ate the arse off her!!

I’m polite and hopefully always pleasant to my SILs, but to be honest the sheer volume of SILs I’ve had and the drama caused in the past I don’t really go past that now.

One SIL (DB's DW) is just not interested. She's polite enough, but ignores us otherwise. Now I've noticed excuses to not come when DB & DB come on a rare visit. Last time it was someone had to feed the dog (they've plenty of people to do this when they go on holiday though!) She's actually gone out shopping before & left DM alone in the house, without telling her or offering her to go with. Not nasty, just doesn't see us as family, just DB's problem.

The other (DH's DSis) thinks we get along but I loathe her. She ruined our wedding & is manipulative. Plus her DH always turns the conversation to how much money they earn / how much their house is worth & last time tried to inform DH about pension rules (in order to brag about how much his is worth / SIL's work bonus). DH is a financial advisor, btw!

Yes won't go into details as long, it was difficult and now been NC for many years... When I met DH I was late teens, DH was couple years older than me, so him and siblings all in their 20's. I never felt welcomed and sil very stand offish from the very beginning.

Looking back on it with the wisdom as a grown woman, I feel sad for myself that was my experience. I'd have loved nice in laws and I always tried my best to be friendly and polite. DH and I had a great love and I've always treated him well, no games, with respect, supportive etc etc. I don't know why they didn't like me.

But his family don't seem to like any female partners (including past girlfriends) of the men in the family. I never had the knowledge to know that constant berating of past and present female partners in the family was a red flag. Not all of us (myself included) could have been bad in some way/not good enough. To be honest I think it's some dynamic that trickles down from MIL. Territorial possibly? I don't have enough psychology knowledge to really break it down, although there's been many middle of night thoughts where I've tried to understand.

So I take some comfort in that, that no outside females have been accepted, it's not just me. Although I have felt at one point or another, rejected and not good enough. But I know that I tried.

I'm possibly the awful SIL. My BIL hurt me more than any other person ever has, and nobody else in the family was there when it happened, though SIL knows something about it. I always liked my SIL but I can't maintain a relationship with her because I can't be around him. I wonder occasionally if she thinks I'm a huge drama queen or really sulky/unable to move on. Perhaps all three are true but there is a limit to how much pain I'm willing to put myself through. They're not bad people but ultimately a failed relationship with them isn't the end of the world.

Your original post exactly describes the situation with my SIL. We spent so much money and time on presents and visiting my SIL’s family. Now we have a DC and she’s done nothing and is rude to boot.

I have completely stepped back. It is so un-classy to care so little about others.

How has this come about? I don't understand

It's from deep insecurity. My SIL had a weird competitiveness with me. I had no idea where it came from. She would tell so many lies about me so DH's family would look badly on me (and somehow she thought she would look good). If she did something unkind to me, the lies would escalate because she was worried it would get out (I never said anything). Eventually I figured it out and just rose above, but it took a long time and a lot of hurt.

I hadn't done anything. It wasn't me. It was all about her insecurity. Understanding that helped to let it go because I really felt sorry for her living in such a dark place all the time.

Me. My SIl is unable to spell my son, her nephew’s name correctly. It is 5 lellters long. I am sure she does it on purpose.

She is a functioning alcoholic, so everyone is one eggshells aroiund her, as she will snap at any given moment having misunderstood or deliberately misinterpreted what we say.

I can’t be arsed with her drama any more so barely see her.

OP - I'd actually try not speaking to her at all, even when she arrives. Just smile (if you have to) but I'd give her some of her own medicine back. Speak only when spoken to by her and pountedly ignore anything she says in a group setting. Give her some of her own medicine back. You never know - it might change her behaviour... And if it doesn't, it protects yourself. Life is too short to put up with numpties like her. She's nothing special - she's not offering any value to your life. In fact I'd actually never look her in the eye. Just look over her shoulder and blank her. If she comes over and joins a conversation don't acknowledge her or walk away and join another. Just think - if she wasn't related to you (so to speak) you wouldn't spend time with her. And if she starts querying your behaviour to your husband and family afterwards you'll know she's absolute wrong 'un and can take steps thereafter to avoid her.

OP - I'd actually try not speaking to her at all, even when she arrives. Just smile (if you have to) but I'd give her some of her own medicine back

Or @FlamboyantlyIncognito she could not act like a child.

She's a grown adult and a mental health nurse. It's actually concerning that she's this bothered about it all and that other adults are encouraging her to boss it and give her her own medicine back.

Good god no wonder people have such difficulty relating to others and have problems getting on when this is the behaviour.

The OP has exaggerated her place. She doesnt have a SIL or a MIL - she is not married to her boyfriend.

Honestly not everyone wants to have this kind of relationship. The only thing this woman has done is not want to be friends with her. What's wrong with that?

My late Sil was so bad that 17 people including her son's went to the funeral to make sure she was really dead.
She hated everyone except her husband (my DH brother) as let her get away with murder.
Told Fil and Mil that the next time she saw them one of them will be dead.
Told her eldest son don't bring your children to my house the little brats.
Told youngest son that his wife (dying of cancer) will be dead before her but hopes she doesn't see her in the next life.
Told me that she can't believe there is nothing wrong with my children who were born premature.
Told her one and only friend when her husband cheated she understands why he did it.
Sil worked at a builders yard in the office and even the men hated her. She worked there for nearly 30 years and not one person went to her funeral.
We only went out of respect for her husband. But didn't go to the wake.
I know that it was her DH, sons, wife of eldest and a brother.

OMG, that is unbelievable and I am SO sorry. I had been close with my SIL for 15 years until she just disowned me, my kid, and my husband (her own brother) for an incident that happened between the kids last year. She was so angry with our kid that she was rude and hurtful to him and held a grudge against him. Against a KID. She then announced to her brother that she and her family are disowning all three of us, and she convinced her daughter as well as my BIL to now hate my guts. I tried to talk to her about it like adults but she refused and she wouldn't even acknowledge how hurtful she and her adult daughter were to our kid. So they are not the people we thought they were and we realize now that they are absolutely toxic and will have no place around our kid anyway. It's amazing to me that she was willing to throw away her own brother like so much garbage. It's truly, truly sick.

Yes! I’ve tried so hard with my SIL but she just has no interest in having any sort of relationship with me. It used to really get to me but over the last year or so I’ve just let it go and don’t reach out at all anymore. I’ll see her at family gatherings/Christmas etc but that’s it.

Yep my SIL can’t stand me, It used to be bother me but I stopped caring years ago. She’s a miserable woman with zero friends, Before me my husband was married for 14 years and she has told me SIL was just as rude and miserable to her. I do feel bad that my lack of relationship with her has meant I haven’t formed a bond with her two children, I’d never show it and include them by buying Christmas/Easter/Birthday presents (She won’t even put but my sons name in a Christmas card, but he is older and understands that she’s a twat) But her or her children don’t feel like family to me.

I don't really think it matters. In-laws are not required to like us. If they do, it's a bonus; ideally I'm sure we'd all like a warm relationship with our spouses' families, but sometimes it's clear this isn't going to happen. If you find yourself in that position then by far the best course is to withdraw as far and as gracefully as circumstances permit. Fill your own life with positivity, and nurture the relationships, careers and interests/passions you do value. Life's too short for needless angst or regret over wasted time.

I've been with my DH for over 20 years and have rarely had any contact with his sister by my own choosing. I find her myopic, judgemental, passive-aggressive and tediously self-absorbed. I have no time for her so give her none.

Yes, but fortunately she lives abroad so don't see her very often. She studied pharmacy many years ago, has never worked as a pharmacist and sells insurance. Fine, but she acts as if she's a doctor and patronisingly offers unwanted advice.... MIL takes anything she says as gospel, eg you should eat this, don't eat that, then a few weeks later that's all changed. She also tells DH what he should be doing regarding elderly MIL, although all the responsibility is already on him. SIL visits every 18 months and acts as if she's doing her mother the most enormous favour (and MIL pays for her flights while DH is there every weekend doing chores, shopping for her, etc etc and would not dream of taking money despite the long drive every time).

I used to get on with mine, then our dc were born 2 days apart and she saw her ds and dd as being in competition. It's really odd.

Any milestone he reached before her was amazing. Any milestone she reached before him was insignificant and no big deal. Yet she would be the one phoning mil to ask ' is she walking/ talking / swimming / writing '.

At birthdays and Christmas she would sit and add up the cost of their gifts to compare.

They are about to sit gcses and she's been trying to find out what her predicted grades are.