Does anyone else have a sister in law they don't get on with?

[LastnightIDreamedofManderley]

This is something that doesn't bother me as such, but clearly has enough for me to post a thread about.
I've always tried to be chatty with her (despite my introversion) and to be friendly, but she really shows no interest towards me. Known her for over 5 years. It's the kind of situation where I'd ask how are you, how's work going etc, I get the bare minimum answers and she never asks me anything of myself, hence no relationship has developed.
I find it a little depressing, as clearly she's decided she doesn't like me but I'm not sure why, as every time I see her I do make an effort to engage her in conversation/show I'm interested but I get nothing back. Makes me feel a little shitty, as it'd be nice to have some sort of relationship but it's clearly not happening. Is anyone else experiencing this? Am I doing something wrong? I don't think I am, actually, but it seems only right that I query it!

Some people are just self-absorbed, ignorant c*nuts. My partner's sister is one. Stop 'chasing' her respect and/or affection as probably has none to give. Before we went NC with partner's sister, I adopted the speak only when spoken to route. She was mostly silent but her actual behaviour was abhorrent and that's what resulted in us (and almost all other family members) going NC with her.

Yes!!!
My SIL started ignoring me in the last 18 months. No clue what I did - she suddenly stopped replying to my messages, completely ignoring me in the family chat and more recently ignoring me when I speak directly to her. I'll say hello how are you you look nice and she blanks me in return. Drives me insane and gets my heart rate up!
I notice her listening when I'm talking in a group and she won't look at me or acknowledge me but does these little smirks or eye rolls.

Truly no clue what's going on or why. Feel so sad because DH and I live far from the rest of the family so don't see everyone often, and when we do I'm on edge from being ignored or smirked at.

Yep, I absolutely agree with you. I do know she has MH issues, however I am also a MH nurse so I do understand these things, but that's not to say I understand her or her MH issues, of course.
Honestly, over the past 5 years I have very much gotten the impression she is incredibly self absorbed. She also posts things on social media I find questionable, although that's probably due to my now negative bias of her.

It's difficult as I have really tried with her previously but now I've given up, as she's never ever tried with me. Now I find myself looking on her quite negatively, rightly or not. I don't think she's my kind of 'person', which I do feel bad saying however I have had bad experiences with her in the past relating to her not getting on with my partner, and I actually don't think I like her as a person but I have always tried to get to know her, but she makes it clear she's just not interested.

What also annoys me is BIL and her have a child (me and DP have no kids) and she really seems to simper after MIL, but makes no effort with me at all, it's like because I'm not 'important' I don't matter.

Why be so bloody rude?? That's what gets me! Sorry, but if there is an issue just have a chat about it privately and get it out there! Why mooch about acting like a moody teenager and not say anything? I honestly find it absolutely pathetic behaviour from adults, and I'm really sorry you have to deal with it too. It's the exact sort of behaviour I'd get from my SIL.

Yep! I had a miserable SIL. I thought I was going mad with her. I'd describe myself as a warm person who makes friends easily but she was just so cold and off with me (and most other people).
I struggled with the fact that if we weren't related, we just wouldn't know each other as I just wouldn't bother with someone so rude and antisocial. But I had to try and find a way to get on with her and it was really tough and got me down.
Surprise, surprise they divorced. Although we didn't want BIL to be sad, everyone was secretly relieved. Family get togethers are much more fun now! We're all hoping he has a higher bar with the next relationship.
My advice to you would be don't get too invested. Just keep it polite and positive. Buy her a gift for birthday/Christmas without the expectation of a thank you. Invite them for family dos without the expectation of an invite back. She's not your friend and doesn't want to be. Just do the basics.

@LastnightIDreamedofManderley we must be related. The person I mentioned is a great devotee of FB where she posts 'cute pictures' and 'inspirational quotes' completely at odds with her reality. She will die a very lonely old woman, I fear. She's now ostracized by almost all of her family, divorced, has one child she's (sadly) moulding in her own image, and seems incapable of sustaining friendships. Like your and @Teenyturtle89's sisters-in-law her sneering and eye rolling are not endearing traits. They just push others further and further away.

Absolutely hear you re 'if we weren't related'. I've spent an unhealthy amount of time thinking about her in the last few months trying to figure out what the heck is going on and come to the conclusion that we are just very different people whose paths wouldn't cross were it not for our DHs.

My SIL is the same. I used to care but now I just do the same. I’m polite when she visits but I’m not going to strain myself asking questions to a brick wall.

My sister is much better as an in law to DH. She always asks interesting questions and listens to answers. She’s always been good at this. SIL could take a few notes lol.

Absolutely - If I've pissed you off can you let me know so I can apologize and we can move on? Assuming no divorces we're going to be related for like 50 more years and I desperately don't want to play this game for that long.

She is more than friendly with others and will greet / chat to others in a group WHILE refusing to look at or acknowledge me.

I also can't bring it up with her or the other family members because she recently had a baby so me saying 'hi MIL so and so has been ignoring me since December 2021' will make me look like an insane troublemaker attacking a young mother

This is what I don't understand. I'm quite an introverted person and it takes a lot for me to put myself out there to people I don't know as well, especially when they make 0 effort with me. I'd be so glad to have someone like you who at least makes an effort.
I'm completely the same - if we weren't related, I'd have nothing to do with her. It's so hard. This is terrible of me to say, but I also secretly hope her and my brother in law separate. My DH does tell me issues regarding their relationsip (rightly or wrongly) and I do sometimes just wish they'd split up so she wasn't in the picture anymore. Appreciate this will probably sound shock horror to some but that's how I feel. I just can't be bothered anymore.

It's so bloody hard, isn't it? Somehow I wonder how DH's brother was able to choose someone so radically different; but then I get on to thinking about all the problems within that thought itself, wondering if I'm the problem/doing something wrong, etc.
I've given up at this point and actually have for a good few years now!
Also, even something as simple as posting Happy Birthday on Facebook. For the first few years, I always posted happy birthday and have a good day on her page, but she never ever did it on mine.
I totally realise this is a very minor issue, but honestly to me most people I know tend to message birthday congratulations, and the fact she never even put a 'like' on any birthday post I'd send her said a lot (despite liking other peoples, yes I checked!) She couldn't be bothered, and didn't care.
So, I stopped. Haven't said happy birthday to her for a few years now which feels incredibly petty of me, but she's never said it to me once despite being very active on social media. It really fucks me off.
It's a small, very quick gesture that means something to people and she can't even be arsed. Even typing this out I'm realising how much I can't stand her!!

I don't think it's terrible for you to say that. It sounds completely fair enough to not want someone who is making you feel sad in your family.
But I think you need to do a bit of self preservation. Assuming they're not going to separate - just go into robot mode when you're around her. Keep it simple and polite but keep your distance. That way you're protecting yourself from disappointment.

How is she with other people? Could she be very introverted herself and struggle to communicate with people she’s not comfortable with? My SIL and I don’t talk much either but I know it’s just as much my fault. I struggle to talk to people I don’t feel comfortable with because I have social anxiety and I believe she does as well on some level. I do try and make an effort with her but I don’t get much back. My DH has assured me that she’s like this with everyone and just isn’t a very sociable person. I don’t know if that’s the case in your situation but maybe your SIL is struggling with something. It might not be about you.

Yes, she hasn't spoken to me for years, I only get to speak to my brother if he visits on his own. She is awful to him but he doesn't see it like we do from the outside. It all started when I got pregnant before she did & didn't have to have IVF like they did. She can't stand if all the attention isn't on her all the time.

I just avoid mine because the passive aggression was off the scale.

I have a sister in law who hates me

As in really hates me-she bad mouths me to anyone who will listen,has tried to turn my children and friends against me,has hassled me on sm and is just a ball of fizzing hate if my name gets mentioned

Never met her in person

I wouldn't know her if I fell over her in the street

Both my ex sister in laws miss me, one I stay in touch with one on SM the other is an alcoholic and quite frankly smells. I do counsel my daughters to be kind to her at their family functions. Not an easy ask as they are teenagers and SIL is rank.
Which brings me on to my new sister in law. This ray of sunshine hates me just because her my dragon of a MIL does. I find her level of stupid to be outstanding. I think she's a hideous parent who has seriously obese children. The constant posts on SM of I'm so fantastic I've just made slow cooker fudge make me want to scream. Those poor kids. They change schools every 5 minutes because of bullying.

It's important to DP that I carry on the pretending we are friends thing on SM. I'm not sure how much longer I'll last!

Yes, similar experience. What I realised was I didn’t like her either, she’s not my sort of person and I’m not hers. That’s ok! Not everyone has to like you! When I accepted that and stopped trying to force a friendship neither of us wanted, things were a lot easier.

One of my sister in laws didn't like me in the beginning because apparently her view was that I was taking her brother away from the family 😂

which was an insane way for her to feel btw! We lived with his family and went to every family event 😂

She's better now but did take some years for her to warm up to me. Never let it bother me though, i'm incredibly close to his other sister and never had a problem with anyone else so I know it was just her being weird

I don’t see my BIL/SIL except at funerals, and then I make no effort other than to say bye. They’ve always seemed to think they are better than me, so I don’t seek their company.

Mine used to do this, so rude.
I finally confronted her and we had an argument. She hasn't spoken to me since. Sadly, she also fell out with dh because he supported me. Mil took her side and also stopped talking to us.

That was over twenty years ago. Dh has tried a few times to make contact with Mil but she refuses. Sad but we're over it now, it's their loss.

When my family goes to the football, my SIL & brother (& 4 children/teens) sit directly behind my DS, DF & I. We have all been going for years. I stopped saying hello when I was deliberately & obviously blanked time after time.
I no longer give a fuck.

I really tried hard with mine. She appeared to hate me. Never helped with the children although we had hers for days out. Never helped when we hosted family get togethers.
I just gave up and told DH since none of his family other than elderly mil and FIL offered any help at get togethers we were no longer hosting.
Things have improved more recently and she's more friendly and actually invites us to hers now. But it took 25 years.

Mine is an absolute twat. She was best mates with DH’s ex, whom he only broke up with about 4 months before we met, so she never gave me a fair chance and also spoke unfavourably about me to their mother, which also means MIL has never treated me fairly since day one. MIL does try a bit more now she’s getting old and SIL lives abroad, but I am too petty to mend that bridge.

SIL can be nice now but it’s 30/70. I can’t be arsed with a 40-odd year old who tells tales if I don’t kiss her arse.

I had 4 at one point.

1. SIL. She’s ok mostly, runs hot and cold and is very me, me, me when talking to her. I don’t spend much time with her by choice, but we can chat over a bottle of wine at family events easily.
2. Is now divorced from BIL, we didn’t have much to do with each other outside of family events, but got on fine when we were together. We still see her, plus her parents and brother at social events and always have fun with them.
3. DB’s wife. Absolutely horrible person, they’re now separated and I’m glad. Too many things to go into. Still have to hear about her and say nice things due to their shared children.
4. BILs wife. She’s very overwhelming personality wise, l like her in small doses! There’s some weird coincidence thing going on that seems the university is telling us we were meant to be in each others lives. We’ve not figured out the reason why yet though.

1/4 is horrible, but as nice as they are, I’d probably not have met the other 3 without the family connection, so aren’t the people I’d choose to spend time with.