I am actually in floods over PoW news

[LindaPen]

But not the way you think.

DH was diagnosed with kidney cancer during lockdown. Had the kidney removed and there was talk of preventative chemotherapy. They decided he didn't need it. A year later he was dead.

I have often wondered (but tried not to think too hard about it) whether that decision would have been different if he'd been someone important, or treated privately and somehow this news has "proved" that. I should have fought for him.

Obviously wish PoW well, but this is hard 😪

I’m sorry OP; this news must have reopened wounds of sadness for you.

I do think this poster’s comments about private healthcare can be very true. I’ve known of many instances where NHS had better admission rights etc, and private care can be a minefield of policy exclusions and other financial considerations. Very, very often the same consultants are working in both systems. If you can possibly push away the what ifs , I would try not to torture yourself with them as they may well prove to be misguided if you had the ability none of us have to know “ the what if outcomes” for certain.

I’m sure that despite all her access to private care it has not helped to have all this nasty speculation on social media, having to release videos and apologies to the public and the stress of that as she tries to battle the cancer, so I don’t think it’s been a bed of roses for the POW either. We all walk a hard road at times, albeit in different ways, and I’m sorry this is causing you to relive your own traumatic time for you and your beloved DH.

I think - understandably - it’s just very normal to feel loss of a loved one is unfair in some way because it really is - and I’m so sorry for your loss.

I’m so sorry for your loss, OP. 💐

The recent news from the PoW has brought back the loss of my dear friend. She died of Ovarian Cancer, she’d had an hysterectomy and then underwent chemotherapy over the course of 18 months. Unfortunately the treatment was never going to be a cure, her life was prolonged but with the awful side effects of chemo.

I’ve lost many close family members to cancer, including my DF and know how devastating this is.

Thinking of anyone who is going or gone through this, I also wish the PoW well and hope she can now have the privacy she deserves.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can totally understand why you feel that way. 💐

Sorry for your loss, OP. Things like this can bring it back.
My DM died nearly 25 years ago from cancer which took ages to be spotted (I had to take her to a&e and then she finally got an x-ray) and then by the time it was, it was too late for treatment and she died within a few weeks.
It was really a total shambles and I hope that these days medics would be more quick off the mark whether nhs or private.
It definitely makes a difference if you can afford private tests if you have a suspicious lump or symptoms, have surgery quickly if necessary etc.
Recently dh and I have had private ultrasounds for speed of diagnosis, I saw a consultant quickly and now scheduled for surgery (not cancer but one nhs medic who on presentation of symptoms in walk-in when I couldn’t get GP appt got it completely wrong - made GP appt then for 2 weeks hence who said I needed ultrasound, nhs then cancelled the ultrasound and so I just went private as wanted it at least diagnosed pre-Xmas). Once I knew it wasn’t sinister I made consultant appt in my own time (sort of put it off as I knew it’d be an op!).

OP I went through a similar situation a few years ago. DH was diagnosed with advanced lung cancer after collapsing and being placed on life support - he died ten days later without regaining consciousness. He’d been unwell on and off for several months - I did wonder if it could be cancer but GP had other ideas and didn’t pick up on what l now know to be red flag symptoms. After he died I blamed myself for not advocating enough for more testing as my private suspicions seemed to have been borne out by events.

l think what l’m clumsily trying to say is that you shouldn’t blame yourself. You do the best you can with the information you have in front of you at the time, and hindsight is always 20-20. It’s also a natural part of grieving to look for things to feel guilty about, or to blame yourself for. And a year into your loss is very early. You’re only just starting to come to terms with what’s happened and acceptance of it is the hardest part - it takes time, and the ‘what ifs’ and ‘if onlys’ are all part of the process.

If you haven’t already, please consider grief counselling. I found it really helpful to talk to someone who was totally objective - l could express what l was feeling without fear of upsetting anyone or saying the wrong thing. It sounds as though you could benefit from being able to talk freely about the reasons you feel the way you do.

I also went back to the hospital where DH was treated, a few months after he died, to try to clear up some things l wasn’t sure about at the time. This was arranged through PALS. One of the team of doctors who treated him went through his notes with me and answered my questions as best he could. He said it’s very common for families to make requests for information further down the line when the initial shock has lessened and thought processes are a bit clearer. I found it really helpful to review his notes and clarify the reasons behind some of the decisions taken about his treatment.

There’s an online bereavement support group called WayUp - link is here - https://way-up.co.uk/. They were an enormous source of support and reassurance for me during the darkest days - there are people at various stages of the journey, with a wealth of experience to share. I’m so sorry for your loss OP and l can tell you that although you can’t imagine it now, these dark days will pass and when they do, you will find again the happier memories of your life together. No-one can take that away from you. 💐

It's sad when anyone gets cancer.......more so when they have young children.

I wish the Princess of Wales well but I must admit my first thoughts went to the young, single mum I knew who had to continue working to survive during her cancer treatment. Time to rest and recover just wasn't an option, the money to build memories wasn't there and it's a scenario that's played over and over.

If there's anything to come from this I do hope it starts conversations about the disparity of treatment, how poverty kills and the lack of financial support for people going through the worst time of their lives.

Obviously, I wouldn't wish cancer on anyone, and to the OP I am sorry for your loss. If anyone has a chance of beating cancer it's Kate - I can't imagine she struggled to see a GP, or was given an urgent referral that took 4 times longer than it should, or was admitted & prepped for surgery then bumped repeatedly. And if the worst comes, she & her family won't be worrying about whether a hospice bed is available or not. I wish her a speedy recovery, but her cancer experience is going to be vastly different to the average persons and I wish that was a conversation being had at the moment so that something changes at the next election.

When I had ovarian cancer, our NHS were brilliant. They absolutely saved my life. It was getting through the GP system that was the hard part. Once I’d been seen by a consultant it was all systems go.

What a heartless post.

I lost a family member to cancer - she highlighted the physical issues she was having when she was in hospital for something else but they fobbed her off. By the time she did get checked up it had already spread to her lungs. And they ignored that and just treated the main cancer (eventually, no rush). Took their own sweet time with everything. When they finally told her the results of her treatment she got a 'terminal, 3 to 6 months'. She didn't last that long. But that's okay because she was old and poor. Well she did count, to me, to the rest of her family. But the fucking NHS failed her. And they failed someone else with breast cancer, fobbing her off until it was too fucking late. So I'm not that bothered about darling Kate with her preventative treatment. Yes I hope it means she doesn't get cancer but she'll get the very best care. What about everyone else who doesn't? Do the royals give a shiny shit about them? Course not.

@LindaPen that's heartbreaking, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can completely understand how overwhelming it must be to be hearing those terms everywhere right now.

I'm also finding it very triggering. I had just turned 40 when I had major abdominal surgery and they subsequently found cancer from the tests which led to chemo. I've also cried from finding it overwhelming. I've had to take a break from the news for a while, like PP have suggested, it does help. Look after yourself. ❤️

I'm so sorry. For you and your relative and family, and for all who have been affected by this.

I lost both my parents to cancers, too, and it is absolutely shit. A much-loved relative by marriage is also receiving treatment at the moment. I have to admit that the NHS has been wonderful for our family every single time, and I'm really sorry you were let down.

Hi OP

Stuff like this brings back floods of memeory etc

Really feeling for you

When I was diagnosed with a cancer, me and my OH had to be pro-active. That is not push our way up the waiting lists but ensure and help the hospital so no appointments were lost in the post and no appointments were over-looked.

I find and this is my personal experience that often, not always when one HCP says "no" they all say "no."

I did not trust the hospitals not because the staff are not good, but human error and the odd staff that may not be aware of correct procedures.

I checked my appointments, I rang to confirm, I insited I got my letters of appointment and ensured my contact details were all accurate and we were ready to come with an hours notice. When I had cancer removed,, I felt I needed extra prepvatitive treatment and was told a blut no by what I deemed as a slightly uncaring doc. However, I went to our gp surgery, they were helpful and got me further tests and checked and though I did not get extra treatment, it did result in the monitoring to be be more frequent which helped and this was as per recommendations by NICE

Its good to have private health car insurance or ability to pay and not everyone can afford that and as you get older and have other medicals the insurance is not cost-viable.

Therefore, if unwell, remain polite and calm even in the face of some not so caring IMO HCP (99% are IMO,contacts) and state your case/concerns keep them concise and insist timescales approc timescales and closer to the time if not contact, call them, charge the,

Re other appointments I've been double booked and would not have noted that if it had not been for my recent NHS app. as I only got letter from one. So I spent over half and houri trying to get through to cocnel the duplicate appt so someone else could have it

OP, I know none of the above will help you dear OH but I hope it helps others and I wish you comfort .

Please, you must stop with the what ifs and maybes. Nothing good every comes from them and you only end up upsetting yourself.

Chemotherapy isn't always the answer for everyone. They do seriously consider the pros and cons rather than just give it to everyone with cancer. Sometimes, it can make the recipient more unwell, or maybe the grade of the cancer coupled with the stage didn't warrant it. Oncologists really don't want to put anyone through chemotherapy unless absolutely necessarily. They were doing what they thought was best at the time.

Am so sorry for your loss but please, please try to make peace with it and that there was nothing that could have been done differently. Even with a course of chemo, the outcome would have been the same and your husband's final months spent being horribly unwell.

(For my part, have just finished 8 cycles over 6 months of AC-T chemotherapy. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy).

I understand how you feel 💐.

I also find this all very very triggering .

Gosh OP that’s so sad, my mum had cancer in the abdominal region, very similar to the POW it was found after the op. Now she was given preventative chemo. But she stopped it maybe just before the last session as it was so hard going on her body. Can’t imagine what you’re going through. Have you thought maybe it’s only for certain cancers they thing it’s needed for? Do you know if the cancer caused his death? Have you been to the hospital to ask them? Contacted PALs?

I'm so sorry for your loss OP

Paul McCartney wife Linda died from cancer. Money isn't always the cure.

Oh for fuck's sake, it's not about beating cancer. That's actually an offensive statement to all those who die from cancer. No-one dies because they didn't fight hard enough. They die because their cancer could not be treated either by surgery, chemo, radiotherapy or any meds.

PoW is a young woman in good health. The fact she's got cancer and having to have preventative treatment is indicative that they are concerned that the cancer cells could have spread and travelled to other parts of her body. (I have just finished 8 cycles/6 months of chemo for similar reasons). But, her age and health doesn't necessarily mean she will have a good response to chemo or she will be able to tolerate it.

While I do understand you are saying, I think there's just no call for it. She's got cancer and is having to have chemotherapy. Leave the woman alone.

I’m really sorry to hear about what happened to your dh, OP, and I understand your response to the news of the PoW, as your feelings are still very raw. What happened to your dh wasn’t fair. Getting cancer at all wasn’t fair. Why did that have to happen to you?

However, even the NHS doesn’t deliberately kill people or just leave them to die halfway through a course of treatment, so it was a clinical decision that chemotherapy was not necessary in your dh’s case. Chemotherapy is exceptionally far from harm-free or risk-free, and as a consequence it really is not always appropriate to offer. It is not appropriate to offer it if it really looks like surgery has been the cure. Sometimes, the tests fail to pick up that a cancer has metastasised already, so is still active in the body, but if you gave all cancer patients preventative chemotherapy “just in case,” regardless of test results, you would be harming more people unnecessarily with chemotherapy than you would be saving.

OP, I'm so very sorry for your loss. What an awful situation for you and your husband.
I don't know if this will make you feel better but I really don't believe you can compare the two situations. You don't know what type of cancer Kate Middleton has or what stage. Preventative chemotherapy might have been appropriate for her but not your husband.
I think if they truly believed it would have made a difference to your husband's prognosis he would have got the treatment.
I say this as someone who has had kidney cancer myself and I'm now part of a kidney cancer community so I've observed the treatment many people have had. After surgery, there is always a decision to be made about preventative drugs. They look at your prognosis, your risk of recurrence, your health, how likely the treatment is to work.
As you probably know, traditional chemotherapy doesn't work on kidney cancer. You're more likely to get preventative treatment for other types of cancer than for kidney cancer - although I have seen kidney cancer patients get this treatment when it was seen as worthwhile.
Sorry, I don't mean to argue but I can see you're very upset about the perceived difference in treatment so wanted to add my thoughts as a kidney cancer patient.

My heart goes out to you, OP. I can empathise and completely understand the way you are feeling.. I am sure I’d feel the same in your shoes. Please be kind to yourself 💐

To be honest until 2y ago I would always say with 100% conviction that the nhs was far superior than private when it came to cancer. Now I'm not sure I can honestly still say that unfortunately. I've always been really against private healthcare but I'm actually now debating it for my parents