DH blanking my DS

[matthancockscareer]

DH really struggles with DS19 just doesn't seem to "get him" he doesn't think he pulls his weight in the house but I disagree, he will do ANY job that you ask of him but he doesn't actively seek out jobs to do and DH thinks that he should. I've told DH to speak to DS (rather than me) and ask him to wash pots, empty bins etc but he won't he just seems to get more cross about it now to the point that when we're all in the same room together the awkward silence is terrible.
DS works F/T and DH is not his dad. DS is kind, polite, hardworking, DH is a wonderful man he just has VERY high standards that are sometimes hard to meet.

@Lianna077 thank you thats appreciated, my DH knows that I don't like/tolerate his silent treatment of my son, my son also knows that he needs to help out more. I'm hoping things will calm down now but time will tell.

I agree that giving your son a set of regular chores that he can crack on with is the easiest way to resolve this. So long as he does them your DH will have nothing to complain about.

But as he has such high standards I’m surprised he’d left the pots unwashed.ready to.

Maybe I’m reading too much into it but I think he doesn’t like sharing his home with another adult man. If so there will always be something he will complain about until your son moves into his own home- hopefully when he is

Did your dh just get out the hoover or clean without being asked at 19, if he was still living at home?
I don't know many 19 yr olds who would, despite being helpful.
If it's on a list or part of regular duties, then yes but not just randomly.

@foghead yes he probably did, unfortunately! He more than pulls his weight with housework.

So this man has been in your son's life since your son was 11 and they've never been close.

How long have you been married and how long have you been 'pulling up' your husband for the way he treats your son?

Sounds difficult and awkward but your son was very much a child when this man came into his life... and then you married him.

He knows you don’t like it but he still does it.

In what way do you not tolerate it? Because - ditto.

My dad used the silent treatment on us and I never forgave him for it. My mum should have chucked him out when he started it but in those days there wasn’t the support for single mums of young children like there is now. Your DS is 19, so with you and him both working and from the proceeds of the sale of the family home you would both have enough to set up home together without anyone giving you the silent treatment or imposing his ‘high standards’ on you. How blissful that would be.

I would def give your DS regular chores to do. I also would never accept any man treating my son like this.

You should all sit down and discuss responsibility for jobs around the house. We have a set rota for things like bin emptying (done by the children from when they started secondary) dishwasher emptying, stripping their beds and putting the bedding on to wash every week. This then gets your son into the habit of doing regular chores so when he leaves home he isn't waiting for someone to tell him what to do.

Having set tasks to do on set days means everyone knows what needs doing and when and there is no hand wringing. As a family we have always sat down to discuss this sort of thing, anyone can raise an issue or ask for a change.

Kids ALWAYS come first if a man is more important to you than your children you have a problem and really should not of had kids !!

Have a word with your son about chores and not being oblivious to what needs done he's going to be a husband some day and as most of us can attest it's annoying af when the bloke walks round with blinkers on
Washing basket full - put a load on
Pots on the side - wash them
Bin full - empty it
You are doing your future daughter in law a dis service by making the excuse " but he does it when asked "

Your husband isn't a wonderful man either and I guarantee your son notices the atmosphere and knows your dh doesn't like him

My ex was like that too. He would complain that he did everything about the house, for the kids etc and they didn't do anything for him and that i did nothing either about the house. If the kids asked to help him with something he'd moan and whine under his breath, so the kids didn't want to help in the end. I don't know where he got the idea that he did everything because he would stay in bed until late in the afternoons and up all night on his xbox and left it all to me, even tho i'm disabled. I did all the cleaning, shopping, running the kids back n forth etc. The last straw was when i was in the middle of cleaning the bathroom & kitchen and he decided to 'help' by emptying the bin. I told him to put it back because seeing as i do nowt around here, i'm doing the cleaning etc. He kept trying to insist he was going to help. I snapped and told him he was close to being told to pick a door and use it and at that he got stroppy and said he was going then. Told him where the suitcase was and to pack his sh*t and go then 😂he thought i was joking lol told if he didn't pack, i was going to do it for him. In the end he had no choice but to go, enough was enough. Felt so good telling him we'd all had enough of his behaviour and whining and then him going.

By the time he packed his xbox and games, he had hardly any room for his clothes in the suitcase 😂😂 so i took everything else to the tip lmao

@nanamoo bloody well done you! That anazing feeling of watching them fuck off, knowing they are still totally blaming you and cannot see how shit they are, but you're past caring because you're FREE 😅😅 I swear, all my resentment has melted away since that day lol

@LamonicBibber1 At the time, it was instant relief. The resentment had been building for a while and it was gone the minute he walked out the door and i slammed it behind him. The kids used to get on really well with him and vice versa, then he lost his job. That kicked it all off and i was constantly in the middle playing peacekeeper between him and my kids. The kids wanted to have a party when he left 😂😂

A teenage boy with a full time job who does jobs around the house when asked.

what’s the problem?

You son sounds fantastic. Your husband sounds like a dick. Blanking someone is emotional abuse. I wouldn't have my son in that environment it sounds awful.

Blanking/silent treatment is a form of bullying

your ds isn’t oblivious to this he just isn’t confronting a bully

@nanamoo well done!! Good for you, that’s brilliant - good riddance to bad rubbish!

There is no way, on God's earth, I would allow my children, ever, to be made to feel uncomfortable in their own home, by a person who is technically a stepfather.

What a silly comment, still learning?! At 19? Where do you think all the ‘well you never asked me to!!’ husbands come from that are always featured on mn?

they had parents that enabled their uselessness that’s where. At 19 he should be fully capable of helping around the house without it being the responsibility of a parent to constantly tell him, he’s 19 not 14.

Oh don’t be ridiculous - he’s 19, he’s still learning and needs reminded about housework, that’s all.

Otoh, the OP’s DH is a grown man so there are no excuses there.

I do not think your DH is wonderful. He can’t manage to talk openly with your son, he’s negative about your son, and there’s an awkward silence when they’re both around. I’m not sure why your son should be a mind reader, or put up with ‘very high’ standards for someone who is barely polite to him.

After I showed her the browsing history, she booted him out.

She already knew he'd been watching the "adult" channels on the set top box because he was stupid enough not to change the channel back, but the kind of porn he was reading was a step too far.