DH blanking my DS

[matthancockscareer]

DH really struggles with DS19 just doesn't seem to "get him" he doesn't think he pulls his weight in the house but I disagree, he will do ANY job that you ask of him but he doesn't actively seek out jobs to do and DH thinks that he should. I've told DH to speak to DS (rather than me) and ask him to wash pots, empty bins etc but he won't he just seems to get more cross about it now to the point that when we're all in the same room together the awkward silence is terrible.
DS works F/T and DH is not his dad. DS is kind, polite, hardworking, DH is a wonderful man he just has VERY high standards that are sometimes hard to meet.

My mum thought I was oblivious to how her new partner treated me. I wasn't at all oblivious, he gave me the creeps (which turned out to be fully justified when I found his internet browsing history of stepdaughter incest porn stories on Mum's laptop) and having him in the house made me feel really unsafe.

Your DS knows, he's not oblivious to how he's being treated, he's just hiding it well because he needs somewhere to sleep.

Yep! This sounds like the most sensible solution.

My partner was exactly the same with my DC when they got older.

He's my ex now.

My DC will always come first.

👆

Sorry I'm on your DH side.

Good luck to your future DIL that has to deal with your son who 'just doesn't see' what needs to be done.

Given the huge numbers of pissed off women on MN who are unhappy that their partners only do their share of housework when asked, at what age should our sons be taught to use their eyes and initiative? To understand that when they share a house with others they shouldn't wait to be asked to do chores, they should just get on and do them? Not be "you only had to ask" types. Because at some stage, presumably OP's son will leave home and live with a partner, and it's not up to them to have to teach him.

Exactoy. I know this is MN where a good drama can be created out of nothing , but really - a rota to remind everyone what’s needing done and what’s already been done is a simple solution.

This vying for hierarchy is a problem in households. They are all adults, in a house together. The DH is as capable of saying “could you get into the habit of dishwasher / empty full bins etc without being asked” as he is if complaining to the OP about her Ds.

Men (especially step dads) often have a territorial view of younger men in ‘their’ kingdom and start to be hostile. From Hamlet to the Lion King.

The OP shouldn’t be expected to be the fulcrum on which a power play rests, showing that she makes her Ds play ‘second fiddle’ to her almighty husband.

The Ds won’t be the first or last 19yo to be lax around domestic tasks. There are ways of addressing it. And he isn’t being a lazy entitled slob: he does do things when asked .

Do you find his standards hard to meet OP?

Blanking a 19yr old because they don’t take the initiative on housework is pathetic behaviour. He probably wants your son to move out and this is his way of pushing him towards that decision. Until your son moves out, I suspect the situation will continue to get worse with you stuck in the middle still pretending that your son is unaware.

So your ds works full time and helps round the house when asked.

Your dh sulks because your ds isn't psychic and doesn't automatically do the cleaning.

I personally can't stand childish men who weren't taught how to use their words. But would it be easier if your ds had a couple of set jobs a week.

My dds use to do the dishwasher twice a week each and one changed the beds, the other emptied the bins. They also tidied up after themselves.

I’m with those who say you are prioritising this man and his ‘high standards’ (read: controlling behaviour) over the normal actions of a 17 year old. No need for weird gender comparisons, and 17 year old is not an adult, still learning. What yours is learning is that his comfort at home comes second to your partner’s.
Put it this way. I knew before I read on that he would be a step dad. Ask yourself why that is?

OP, I think your main issue is that you have a grown man - your dh - giving someone the silent treatment and blanking him.

How childish and ill mannered can he be? I would take that as him trying to drive your son out. For me that would be a red line. And I'm absolutely sure your ds is not unaware of it.

Draw up a rota of chores for all three of you, but if the 'silent treatment' behaviour didn't stop immediately, I'd be rethinking the marriage.

@matthancockscareer how much housework does your DH do off his own back?

Well exactly. Now DS is 19 I imagine step dad wants him gone - out of the nest - and will make life as uncomfortable as he can to achieve this while retaining the facade of a decent man "with very high standards".

I think the housework is a red herring. Your DH doesn't want your DS living with you anymore now he is an adult. Even if he did every chore in the house he would be giving him the silent treatment for another reason.

That’s one of the reasons for the rota that I suggested. If the OP’s DH still finds something to give her son the silent treatment for after he’s doing his fair share of the housework then the OP can decide what she wants to do another marriage. I suspect you’re right though snd it’s a red herring.

A 19yo boy who does jobs when asked sounds like the parenting holy grail.

How does your son not sense the atmosphere? I think it's more likely he just hasn't mentioned it to you.
My dh had a stepdad exactly like this . He left home as soon as he could and sadly avoided it as much as possible. His stepdad continues to this day with little comments if he does accidentally run into them . His mum never stopped it . So his relationship with her has just become to hard. They are always together so he can't see one without the other .
Better sorting this now before it causes problems if your son ever has kids

Cos he’s 19 !

Of course the son has noticed his step father blanking him. Must be an awful atmosphere for him to live in.

That’s awful, did your mum leave him?

Why not negotiate and delegate ?

Ask husband what daily / weekly tasks he would like your son to do

your son knows he is expected to whip hoover around and take bins out

Problem solved son doesn't does jobs with out being asked husband knows dss is pulling weight

Silent treatment must end

i understand your situation entirely OP.

My partner always had issues with my son but these became more intense as my son went through teens and beyond. The issues were based on jealousy and insecurity. My partner admitted that he felt I cared more for my son than for him.

I told him that my son would always come first if it came to a choice between the two. I made it clear that I would not allow him to bully my son and that if he wanted to continue his relationship with me he would leave me to bring up my son in the way I felt to be appropriate.

We all managed to scrape through relatively unscathed but it was tough at times.

Just to add, this does not mean I ever encouraged my son in disrespectful behaviours towards my partner. I tried to communicate with him openly about the complexities of the situation which worked for us.

I would make it clear you despise your husband’s silent treatment strategy and tell him you find it deeply unattractive.

Stay strong, sounds like you’re doing a great job!

A grown man being jealous of a mother’s relationship with her child is the most off putting thing