DH blanking my DS

[matthancockscareer]

DH really struggles with DS19 just doesn't seem to "get him" he doesn't think he pulls his weight in the house but I disagree, he will do ANY job that you ask of him but he doesn't actively seek out jobs to do and DH thinks that he should. I've told DH to speak to DS (rather than me) and ask him to wash pots, empty bins etc but he won't he just seems to get more cross about it now to the point that when we're all in the same room together the awkward silence is terrible.
DS works F/T and DH is not his dad. DS is kind, polite, hardworking, DH is a wonderful man he just has VERY high standards that are sometimes hard to meet.

It doesn't sound like he's a wonderful man if he's blanking his step son.

My step dad used to tell everyone we were lazy and spoiled (we weren't, we all moved our age 18 and supported ourselves due to the debts my mum got when marrying him) but he just wanted my mum to himself and he got what we wanted as we all hated him,

He doesn’t sound wonderful. He sounds like he’s bullying your DS.

My ex husband told my teen he would help with a big job that needed doing, and then proceeded to make angry comments "under his breath" whilst helping with it. Teen came to me upset, because he had said happily that he would help, but was clearly trying to bully and belittle my teen into not asking again whilst out of my earshot, evidenced by his undercurrent of weird rage and stress.

I am not proud to say that I absolutely lost my shit, screaming at him in an uncontrolled way. I asked him to leave and he isn't coming back, this was last year. It's for lots of reasons, but this was definitely a part of it.

My teen also works hard (and consequently needs to relax hard sometimes! But will always help and do stuff, and has definitely outgrown my ex's "jokes" about lazy teenagers 🙄🙄NB, it's not jokes, it's a pathetic insecure adult attempting to bully and belittle a child when he doesn't like the changes in the home, as people grow)

I thought, fuck this. I don't want this atmosphere, why the fuck should they grow up in it, they don't have a choice. If they grow up and he's still here, and they avoid seeing me because of him, I have utterly failed. So he had to go. Best step I've ever taken.

If the husband blanked OP then people would be saying abuse.
If the husband happily did the chores that OP requested but never off his own back then people would be saying lazy and talking about mental load.

The son is doing the minimum that he can get away with which is typical behaviour for his age so I understand why OP isn’t angry with that but I also understand why OP’s husband isn’t as tolerant because he’s not the parent so can’t easily overlook behaviour that a parent might. It’s like when you live in a house share and other people’s mess is annoying but it’s awkward to bring up.

I’d be worried about their relationship in general though. Once ds moves out, you don’t want him to avoid visiting you because of your husband. If his standards are unrealistic (I assume that is what you’re hinting at) then visiting won’t be relaxing for anyone.

Also- silent treatment is abusive.

@TheIceQween that is exactly my argument, you can't not ask him to do something but then moan when he hasn't done it. 19 year old boys brains are not designed to think about housework I don't care what anyone says, but that doesn't make DS lazy!

Your DH doesn't understand teenagers very well does he?
Most of them don't see mess let alone feel the urge to get the hoover out. If your DS does chores willingly when asked, then I'd say that's great. Your DH needs to manage his expectations.

She is, yeah.

@ohtowinthelottery Agreed, I think he does too. I will back him 100% if he's asked DS to do something and he doesn't do it but that wouldn't happen DS will ALWAYS do what is asked of him!

I’m with you @matthancockscareer, my ds wouldn’t think to vacuum in a million years but will quite happily if I ask. Probably the only thing he does without a prompt is washing and drying up because I practically always cook. His other qualities are much more important than how many chores he can’t wait to do after a 12 hour shift.
I would be very very unhappy with a man who treated him like this, and I can tell you my ds would definitely notice.

Your "D"H is a cunt.

@matthancockscareer Hes definitely not lazy. He’s a teenage lad. They aren’t designed to see the mess and act on it independently (not yet anyway)
I feel your partner is showing abusive tendencies here. I had a similar situation myself some years ago. It starts small, then snowballs over time and the abuse (silent treatment) lasts longer and longer until they have no relationship at all. Favour your DS. Fight his corner. He’s working and that’s more than can be said for most teenage boys his age!

@Obeast @Ihearyousingingdownthewire as I said before DS is oblivious to this I can guarantee he does not feel bullied

The fact he’s not his dad is irrelevant
He’s 19 and not pulling his weight

your excusing this by say he’ll do it if I ask

at 19 he could be married with kids and in the army you shouldn’t have to tell him to wash up

Blanking someone and giving the silent treatment is bullying. You say yourself the atmosphere is awful. If you think your son is oblivious you’ve got your head buried in the sand.

Awful of your DH. He is not a wonderful man at all. He’s like a petulant child.

Yes and deliberately doing or not doing so that you know winds someone up is gaslighting

Exactly 😄

@Hereyoume no money on earth could get me to date a parent, but yeah, when someone chooses to have a kid, the kid comes before whomever they're currently shagging. Not in OPs case, sadly, but yes, it's basic, bare minimum thing.

Not at 19 years old. 🙄

OP I'm with your DH on one thing - it IS you who should be speaking to your son. On stepchild threads the response is always that it should be the actual parent who deals with the problem.

Even if you disagree with DH about the amount DS does you need to reach a compromise. But again I'm with DH - it shouldn't be that he only does things when he's asked.

However DH is bullying by giving DS the silent treatment. It's considered a form of emotional abuse. Is the Silent Treatment a Form of Abuse? I Psych Central, even if DS is oblivious. So think about how you can bridge the gap between them without taking one side or the other. Speak to each separately (you've spoken to DH, have you spoken to DS?) then sit them down together and mediate.

Am I the only one wondering why your DH hasn't managed to build a good relationship with your DS in 6 years?

Why would you marry someone who didn't put the effort in? Surely it should have been an important consideration.

as I said before DS is oblivious to this I can guarantee he does not feel bullied

I can guarantee DS feels the bad atmosphere and knows your DH doesn’t like him.
Tell your DH to fuck off and you and your son can live in peace, instead of the tension your H creates.
Your son deserves to feel comfortable in his own home.

You can keep telling yourself your DS is oblivious if that makes you feel better.
You are complicit in the damage that is being done to your son.

DH is not a 'wonderful man' and DS is not oblivious. You made it clear in your OP that there is awkward silence. DS is just keeping his mouth shut to keep the peace. Teenagers don't always see or remember the chores that we all notice.

If your DH was so wonderful he would have come up with a simple solution like writing DS a list instead of sulking like a five year old.

Seriously Mumsnet is the only place I hear of 19 year old males actively tidying and cleaning in their family home. If he’s working full time, a nice person and will do anything when asked I wouldn’t be so annoyed. Fair enough the dishes, bringing plates down and taking bins out should be obvious and should be discussed but other chores then he’s probably not seeing it, too much fun going on in his head. I’d not be ok with my partner creating an atmosphere like this with my son, silent treatment is bullying

That’s irrelevant. That’s what your H is doing.