DH blanking my DS

[matthancockscareer]

DH really struggles with DS19 just doesn't seem to "get him" he doesn't think he pulls his weight in the house but I disagree, he will do ANY job that you ask of him but he doesn't actively seek out jobs to do and DH thinks that he should. I've told DH to speak to DS (rather than me) and ask him to wash pots, empty bins etc but he won't he just seems to get more cross about it now to the point that when we're all in the same room together the awkward silence is terrible.
DS works F/T and DH is not his dad. DS is kind, polite, hardworking, DH is a wonderful man he just has VERY high standards that are sometimes hard to meet.

@TwilightSkies absolutely correct. The OP can't get into her son's head and 'guarantee' what he is thinking/feeling. You are allowing your husband's sulking to create an awkward silence. I was. brought up in a house of awkward silences and unspoken conversations resentment and it sucks. As another poster said.. if your husband is wonderful and your son is oblivious.. what's the point of the post OP?

I complete agree - DC come way above blokes!

Well that depends doesn't it. Some things shouldn't need to be asked, eg if your son cooks himself some dinner and leaves dirty pans and plates everywhere then at 19, I think that is lazy and he shouldn't need reminding.

If you're talking about general housework (rather than cleaning up something that is obviously very specifically his mess) then yes, fair enough.

Is that what you took from this? He sounds a normal thoughtless teen. The stepfather, on the other hand, sounds a bully.

Her son is lazy ( no offence OP) and you are all calling bullying for her DH to mention it

@Hereyoume he’s not “mentioning it”though is he? He’s blanking the DS, causing a terrible atmosphere.

An adult blanking a 12 year old or their spouse in their own home would be bullying/abusive. Why is a 17 year old fair game?

OP most certainly are allowing this behaviour. Your brought a man in to your sons life aged 11 and they have never got along? Do you feel bad about that? You should feel ashamed!

Your ‘D’ H is not wonderful and absolutely is a bully.
Your son is likely used to the ranting and silent treatment or ignores them for your sake.

In 6 years he hasn’t bothered to make a relationship with your son, yet you still moved them in together and married him when your son was still living with you and presumably reliant on you for many of those years.

Take @Hereyoume’s advice, put the almighty man ahead of your son, and see how much sympathy you get when you are complaining your son no longer bothers with you.

Have I lived in a parallel universe or something. I'm amazed at the posters on here who expect a 19 year old to whip the vaccum or feather duster out of their own volition. Do other people have perfect teenagers or are they deliberately being obtuse? I wonder.

This is a ridiculous take. The “ playing second fiddle” comment says a lot about you .

The OP’s DS sounds like a normal teenager ( most have to be reminded about chores)
Silent treatment is never a proper response in a family context ( and could be considered abusive/ manipulative)

Sorry OP but I don't think this is anything to do with housework (which could easily be solved by a chore rota or similar).

It's sadly very common for young adult sons to be pushed out by stepfathers and you have already said they have never been close. Of course your son knows he's being blanked and disliked, this will affect your relationship with him long term if you keep pretending it's not happening.

Talk to your husband and get to the bottom of this asap

If your son is happy
To do things when told but it just doesn't occur to him why don't you have set chores/responsibilities for him each week? Then there would be as much as bad feeling

Does your DH clean? Does he do things without you asking?

This.

Your DS is working full time... so he's out of the house for most of the day. He won't always immediately know when he comes in what is considered an urgent chore. or whether something has already been done, that's probably why he waits foryou to tell him. He always does what you ask, so a list of regular chores would make life easier all round.

That' won't fix the attitude of your DH towards him though. Its not a case of high standards. His reaction is childish and nasty and out of all proportion to his complaint about chores, especially as the thing he is complaining about is a simple fix and in any case is dealt with as soon as requested.

He resents your son and is sulking to underline that, creating an "awkward" "terrible" atmosphere to make your son very uncomfortable in his own home and to force you to "discipline" him harshly - thereby encouraging a division between you and your son. I'd find that hard to excuse

Every good parent would put their 17 year old before their partner. That's not saying that the teen should always get their own way, but they should definitely be their parents' first priority.

I always considered schooling my children’s work. I never had expectations they clean house. Tidy up their bathroom make their bed and manage their sports gear and backpacks and mainly school work. My son lives at uni with 8 other 22y.o and I can tell you they do not think about cleaning. There’s one who’s very clean several who recognize when “shit needs done” and several who do almost nothing not even when asked. I think a 19 y.o being willing to help out at home if asked is enough if school/job. He is still my child. As a single parent my mantra was “don’t make me choose between you and my children because they will win everytime. “ And sometimes I still silently say this. I would engage with your son at dinner and any time he is home and DH can sulk and silent treatment to himself. I was not raised to do housework and neither were my children and yet me my siblings DD all keep very clean homes .

Thank you @Lavenderandbrown I was raised the same way! My son is very well balanced and very loved we have a great relationship despite the insulations by many posters that I'm a "shit parent"!!

So when he's married and has kids and his wife is literally wiping his arse, you'll say it's okay 'he just doesn't see the mess' and agree that he shouldn't do anything unless he is asked?

At what age does this quality magically appear? 21, 30, 50? He will NEVER be self sufficient or a team player if he isn't taught to be one, the opposite in fact, he's learnt he can keep his head down and get away with doing the bare minimum unless he is asked.

I don't agree with the silent treatment, but I do think you're enabling this situation by infantising your son, and can see why your DH is frustrated, I'd be so annoyed having to baby another adult in the household who is perfectly capable of pitching in.

Why can't he have set chores? dishwasher/washing up, bins, hoovering? That way it wouldn't matter if he 'sees' it or not, it's his job to check and see to it every day?

So when he's married and has kids and his wife is literally wiping his arse, you'll say it's okay 'he just doesn't see the mess' and agree that he shouldn't do anything unless he is asked?

Are you the OPs husband? lol.
The kid is 19! He’s still learning!
Stop excusing the abusive stepdad

Maybe your DS is lazy but whenever I hear a man has "high standards" I hear potential bully, especially when that man isnt the young persons parent.
Do you live up to his "high standards" OP?

You think your son doesn't realise he is getting the silent treatment?
If this happened to me at 19 I'd put up with it and ignore it for the sake of peace.
But I'd know. And it would hurt.

Good for you. You did the right thing.

I think let’s take step Dad discussion out of things for the moment, but if your son is 19 still living at home and only pitching in when asked, the obvious solution is to sit down together and discuss room by room what needs to be done. Then discuss what jobs he can do each week. I do think the proper adults should do the bulk of the work, but it’s great for teenagers to start to see what is required to run a home and take their share of responsibilities. Otherwise you’re helping create a husband of the future who doesn’t pull his weight, but it’s ok because “he just doesn’t see it”.

There's one born every minute.

I always expect that a parent will prioritise their DC over a new spouse. I would think the worse of them if they didn't.

Step dads can be insecure jealous arseholes around young males.
Then we wonder why we have so many angry young men.
My two sons do need reminding at times regarding housework, they're standards are different to mine in that they think house is fine when it's not.
But it's no big deal, some posters on here have no knowledge of sons this age.

He’s 19.They don’t have eyes for mess and clutter at that age.

He helps willingly when asked. My ds did very little. Strangely enough his house is always tidy and clean and he’s a great cook.