Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Men with no friends

84 replies

GauntJudy · 10/03/2024 00:09

I find it quite common that a man in a relationship has no friends. This has a really unhealthy effect on their relationships with their partner. I see it happen to friends and suffered it myself with my friendless ex.

I had all kinds of crap as a result

  • guilt trips if you dare to have fun without them
  • having to decline invitations cos you worry you are seeing your friends too much
  • sometimes inviting them along with you, but they make zero effort to integrate and you feel like a mediator trying to get them involved
  • feeling responsible for their happiness, suggesting clubs and hobbies in the hope they'll change (but they wont)

Anyway it's a huge red flag for me now, I'd warn any of my friends to stay clear from such people.

OP posts:
AnneOnAMoose · 10/03/2024 00:15

And what about women with no friends - Are we to be avoided as well?

PlantDoctor · 10/03/2024 00:17

DH doesn't really have many friends (outside of our joint friends), and none who he would choose to socialise with alone. He's just an introvert, and prefers to relax at home. I'm an introvert too, but I enjoy meeting friends sometimes, and he's happy for me to go. He's also happy to jointly socialise occasionally, so perhaps that's the difference?

Guilt trips and having to miss out is moving into a negative relationship or even emotional abuse, so that's the reason I'd avoid that type of person.

TuliLily · 10/03/2024 00:18

So is this just men? As seems to be a lot of women on mumsnet who have no friends as their age regular threads about it

its2024 · 10/03/2024 00:18

But what if they are shy or suffer with social anxiety, autism.

I'm a woman and have social anxiety and in my 40's and don't have friends, say more acquaintances. It's soul destroying trying to make friends, being rejected, left out.

Only in the last 2 years, I now just enjoy my own company, take part in hobbies and maybe one day I'll meet people I click with.

I don't think men not having friends is a red flag, many reasons why this is

WhateverMate · 10/03/2024 00:21

Blimey, tonnes of women on Mumsnet say they have no friends. In fact I don't think I've ever been on a forum where so many have said it.

Having said that, I don't know many men or women in RL who don't have friends.

AstralSpace · 10/03/2024 00:21

Well that's not true of everyone. My dh doesn't prioritise friendships but has hobbies, is perfectly polite to my friends and doesn't mind at all if I go out.

OutOfTheHouse · 10/03/2024 00:24

WhateverMate · 10/03/2024 00:21

Blimey, tonnes of women on Mumsnet say they have no friends. In fact I don't think I've ever been on a forum where so many have said it.

Having said that, I don't know many men or women in RL who don't have friends.

Well I assume if they are someone you know then you are their friend, therefore cancelling that out.

LadyNijo · 10/03/2024 00:25

It would be a total turn off for me, regardless of the reason. If you can form and sustain a romantic relationship/marriage, surely you can make friends, you’re just choosing not to. Which may be fine for you, but I have zero interest in being the only person in your life.

cerisepanther73 · 10/03/2024 00:26

@GauntJudy

I get this understand it totally

@AnneOnAMoose

I think @GauntJudy means that it makes a man in a relationship with no friends and this relates to women with no friends,

Is that they are or can be incredibly Needy and you can even experience jealously that you have the ability to make friends or have friends,
and they expect you to be everything to them which is emotionally 😩 exhausting to be everything to them in a relationship which can stifling overwhelming suffocating and restrictive
as you feel allmost like you have to have their permission if you go out somewhere whithout them or more than they are happy with

It's not healthy

It's dysfunctional

It's called Co -dependency and its fucked up

No good for you

This is the type of relationship emotionally abusive men or women are acctracted too
as you are less likely to have emotionally support or insight clarity to wise up to their controlling ways ect

WhateverMate · 10/03/2024 00:26

OutOfTheHouse · 10/03/2024 00:24

Well I assume if they are someone you know then you are their friend, therefore cancelling that out.

Show quote history

Huh?

Are you friends with everyone you know? I'm certainly not.

MonkeyPuddle · 10/03/2024 00:30

DP doesn’t have any close friends. It’s due to us relocating and the logistics of a job, kids, my night shifts. What were friends are now distant friends. It’s hard. He’s really sad about it. Gone to the GP and started meds sad about it.
hes recently gone to an Andys man club near us, I’m hopeful he can find his friends there.

it’s not always a red flag, it might just be circumstances.

Original poster
GauntJudy · 10/03/2024 00:36

Precisely @cerisepanther73, co-dependency. To the extent they resent their partners having friends as they see it as a threat to their own security. They'd much rather have their partner all to themselves even if that means sitting at home with no plans, not communicating or enjoying life - just as long as they aren't left alone.

I don't know if friendless women behave like this. I've not observed it.

OP posts:
Original poster
GauntJudy · 10/03/2024 00:38

Ah @MonkeyPuddle I think that's different in that he wants friends and is doing something about it. So many I've observed don't do anything about it, they just leave it up to their partner to be their link to the outside world. It puts so much pressure on one person and creates frustration on both sides.

OP posts:
cerisepanther73 · 10/03/2024 00:42

@GauntJudy

Certain women can be exactly the same too even in a manipulative controlling jealous Needy way,

Serious headwork that type of relationship can be

Expecting someone to be everything to them,

There even stastics showing that having a good friend or friends is good for your emotional health well being and can help you to live longer too...

cerisepanther73 · 10/03/2024 00:47

My advice is hot 🔥 foot opposite direction
if a man or women starts to be like this

or encourage them to get outside of their comfort zone and make 🤔 at least one or two good friends via hobbies ect..

Notamum12345577 · 10/03/2024 00:49

GauntJudy · 10/03/2024 00:09

I find it quite common that a man in a relationship has no friends. This has a really unhealthy effect on their relationships with their partner. I see it happen to friends and suffered it myself with my friendless ex.

I had all kinds of crap as a result

  • guilt trips if you dare to have fun without them
  • having to decline invitations cos you worry you are seeing your friends too much
  • sometimes inviting them along with you, but they make zero effort to integrate and you feel like a mediator trying to get them involved
  • feeling responsible for their happiness, suggesting clubs and hobbies in the hope they'll change (but they wont)

Anyway it's a huge red flag for me now, I'd warn any of my friends to stay clear from such people.

Men in families with kids having no friends is a big thing apparently. I think it may be because if they are at work all day, then they don’t feel it is right to go out in the evening or weekends to meet friends, so those friendships slowly die off?

SmallIslander · 10/03/2024 00:50

My husband has no friends. I do feel sorry for him in some ways, as I know he would like more human contact. He doesn't put any effort in to finding or maintaining friendships though. He isn't from the area we live in and works long hours so doesn't have loads of opportunities to be fair. He could try more if he wanted to though.

That said, he doesn't do any of the things you allude to in your OP. He doesn't complain when I go out or find a new venture, he is nice to my friends and family and joins in with conversations as best he can.

He is a fairly clever man with a decent sense of humour and I find him good company, I wish he could find some connections of his own.

LadyNijo · 10/03/2024 00:52

Notamum12345577 · 10/03/2024 00:49

Men in families with kids having no friends is a big thing apparently. I think it may be because if they are at work all day, then they don’t feel it is right to go out in the evening or weekends to meet friends, so those friendships slowly die off?

Show quote history

Eh, you get that most women with children are also ‘at work all day’, in exactly the same way as fathers?

Notamum12345577 · 10/03/2024 01:01

LadyNijo · 10/03/2024 00:52

Eh, you get that most women with children are also ‘at work all day’, in exactly the same way as fathers?

Show quote history

Yes I know a lot are. Just personally I have never known a woman with kids who works full time, so for me I wouldn’t say most. Usually they are SAHMs or work part time, and the dad works full time. So the dads may feel guilty then meeting friends when the mum has been with the kids all day.

DetOliviaBenson · 10/03/2024 01:21

cerisepanther73 · 10/03/2024 00:26

@GauntJudy

I get this understand it totally

@AnneOnAMoose

I think @GauntJudy means that it makes a man in a relationship with no friends and this relates to women with no friends,

Is that they are or can be incredibly Needy and you can even experience jealously that you have the ability to make friends or have friends,
and they expect you to be everything to them which is emotionally 😩 exhausting to be everything to them in a relationship which can stifling overwhelming suffocating and restrictive
as you feel allmost like you have to have their permission if you go out somewhere whithout them or more than they are happy with

It's not healthy

It's dysfunctional

It's called Co -dependency and its fucked up

No good for you

This is the type of relationship emotionally abusive men or women are acctracted too
as you are less likely to have emotionally support or insight clarity to wise up to their controlling ways ect

I have no friends (out of choice), my DH has lots of friends. I'm neither co-dependant nor needy. I'm an introvert who would much rather be on my own most of the time.

I spent a lot of my younger years being emotionally and mentally abused by "friends". So much so that I don't have the emotional energy for friendships.

Itscatsallthewaydown · 10/03/2024 01:39

I get your point, OP, and I agree with you.

Strawberrycheesecake7 · 10/03/2024 01:57

I don’t understand the need to judge anyone who struggles to make friends so harshly. They find forming relationships difficult enough without people deliberately avoiding them. They’re not bad people just because they don’t find making friends as easy as you. I’m a woman who has social anxiety and no friends. Thankfully my DH is lovely and understanding and doesn’t see it as a “red flag”. He is allowed to spend time away from me and see his friends. We have a great relationship and are both very happy. He doesn’t struggle with friendships himself but if he did I wouldn’t dream of judging him.

Frangipanyoul8r · 10/03/2024 02:25

My DH doesn’t socialise much. But he’s an introvert and I knew that when I met him. He’s a great husband and dad, no complaints whatsoever. I don’t feel the need to invite him to stuff or encourage him to change.

Autienotnaughtie · 10/03/2024 05:45

My dh doesn't really have friends either. (He has a group of old school friends who he sees once or twice a year but doesn't really talk to much in between.

I've tried to encourage him but really he's fine as he is. I have friends I see and I also see my adult dds a lot. He would never begrudge me.

Noicant · 10/03/2024 05:55

DH is an introvert, thats just who he is, he doesn’t interfere with my stuff, I do feel guilty going out sometimes but thats not because he’s making me feel guilty at all. I never invite him to stuff because a) he doesn’t want to go b) I don’t think dragging Dh along and changing the dynamics is great.

Tbf I’m an introvert too, I do need some social contact but as I get older I need less and less of it. I find having friends pressurising sometimes, it’s often just too much.