Men with no friends

[GauntJudy]

I find it quite common that a man in a relationship has no friends. This has a really unhealthy effect on their relationships with their partner. I see it happen to friends and suffered it myself with my friendless ex.

I had all kinds of crap as a result

• guilt trips if you dare to have fun without them
• having to decline invitations cos you worry you are seeing your friends too much
• sometimes inviting them along with you, but they make zero effort to integrate and you feel like a mediator trying to get them involved
• feeling responsible for their happiness, suggesting clubs and hobbies in the hope they'll change (but they wont)

Anyway it's a huge red flag for me now, I'd warn any of my friends to stay clear from such people.

Agree with you

My DH is also introverted and for various reasons hasn't stayed as connected to friends as he could have and he regrets this and is S L O W L Y addressing it

I think it's pretty nasty to imply = something wrong with him.

The inverse of this is the many people I know mostly women who feel the need to connect with every living being they meet and collect friendships all over the shop. (Surely another form of co dependancy?).

Then moan about how thinly they have to stretch themselves

I wouldn’t go out with you, no, but there are large numbers of women on here who have no friends and say they aren’t put off by that in other people.

Though if you can seek out, form and sustain a romantic relationship, you have all the social skills needed to make and keep friends, so I’d be interested in why you didn’t bother.

I think you've got a very narrow minded view.

DH and I are both introverted. He has very few friends as he's either at work, or home with me and the children. I am also introverted but I need social contact more than he does so have tried really hard. Neither of us are originally from the area we now live so there are no childhood friends or family for us here.

The only reason I have friends here is because I made them during maternity leave by going to baby groups. But it was infinitely easier because I was off work and then when I did go back I went back part time. DH didn't have that option.

Of course, someone being needy or controlling is a red flag, as is them being resentful of you going out but I'd wager the vast majority of friendless men are not like that. It just sounds like you've had some bad relationships tbh 🤷🏼

DH has never had an issue with me going out. He's usually delighted to be honest as then he can watch what he wants on the TV and have a quiet evening which is what he likes.

And I would never invite DH out with me and my friends for a catch up. That just changes the dynamic and would be really codependent and weird!

It depends on the person and this goes for both sexes. My DH doesn't have any friends, but he would never want me to give mine up. In fact he encourages me to meet them whenever I want. So I'll he happy doing what I love, and he'll be happy going what he loves - staying at home.

It works out perfectly because we rarely need to use a babysitter as he never goes out. Of course I encourage him to go out too, with friends if he ever had any or by himself. But I can't make him go.

Also he wouldn't want us to spend extra time together - that would defeat the purpose of not having friends.

My cousin’s ex had no friends. She’s very sociable but he expected her to stay at home with him all the time & guilt tripped her for wanting to see her friends sometimes. Finally she got out.

I think that’s the part that makes the difference.

It’s great this works for you, but it wouldn’t work for me. For me, it’s not about whether a friendless partner tries to limit my socialising or wants to spend every free moment with me (though obviously those are unacceptable), it’s that I don’t want to be someone’s sole connection with the world of other people.

Just because someone has no friends doesn't mean you would be the only person in their life! Are family members null and void now?

Yes, I've been in several relationships like this. A lot of men actually do seem to struggle to keep in touch with male friends on any level that isn't almost banal at best. When they have no friends they often aren't sharing how they feel with anyone or exploring why they feel certain ways. It's basic friendship for women to see how someone is and men don't seem to really ask or want to know the answer in any meaningful way. A lot of male friendship is based on humour which can have the effect of belittling issues if they are raised in a group and becomes an unhealthy signal to just not mention any problems. Obviously this has huge effects on male mental health in general. I also feel it can allow incel ideology in quite easily as they become frustrated at a boring life of work with no one close emotionally with their experiences. They start looking for answers to a hard problem (closeness) but don't recognise it is emotionally mature connection they are wanting and it segues off into toxic masculinity instead with willy waving galore, which ends up making them feel worse and more competitive than ever but united against women as the problem.

I do think it is a red flag, especially in modern day with the technology we have, where you can easily call or message a friend regularly to show an interest in their life and support. If they can't do it for people they have known all their lives, what are they going to be like to you once the novelty has worn off?

I think a lot of adults are either friendless, or friends live far away and that combined with work and children means they rarely see each other. I don’t think its that unusual, especially for people who don’t live where they grew up.

We’ve recently moved countries, my husband already had established friendships here, I have none, as someone who would usually socialise at least once a week it has been a bit odd.

I've seen both men and women be like this relationships. I very, very briefly dated a man like this after my marriage ended. He just wanted me to entertain him 24 hours a day.

I don't think it is a lack of friends, it is a lack of their own interests/hobbies and an inability to entertain themselves. I am quite a solitary person and only have a few choice friends now. But I am also busy and don't need someone there all of the time. I'm more than happy to entertain myself alone. It's the ones who cannot do anything alone you need to worry about not the ones without friends.

No I need a partner with friends. For their own wellbeing. Even if they aren’t besties but just people they know from clubs or hobbies, I’d find it really stifling to be the only interest in my partners life.

So while not having friends isn’t always a red flag, having friends is always a green flag.

Agreed, I have a male friend from school who keeps in contact with me only by memes and jokey insults, but when he’s in town we get a coffee. There are ways now.

@fabio12

Hit the nail on the head with that good insightful post,
😊

I think it is part of the same psychology - if you can't do anything alone and are co-dependant in relationships where you won't let your partner do anything alone/without you that is an issue with control. It's about whether you have the self-esteem to go out alone and meet new groups and try new things, or would rather stay at home in your controlled bubble and not risk it. I think the men who have no friends, as the OP says, often struggle to do things alone. From my own experience, one of my exes couldn't make new friends or keep up with his old friends and I ended up having to find him a football club and encourage him to go every week. He was resentful of any success I had at work and made it clear I had somehow ruined his life by providing a mortgage free house in an area away from his family (who he also rarely bothered to communicate with and it was my job to get presents for and arrange weekend lunches etc).

It's like they expect everyone to mother them and make their lives interesting with minimal effort on their behalf. Control is the key aspect as they want to control them because of their low self-esteem.

My DH doesn’t have many friends . We moved house and he works for home and doesn’t speak to many people. But he is quick to say that people are not his sort, or dismiss the husband of my friends.
He won’t put the effort in but says he is lonely.
It saddens and annoys me that he doesn’t try to be more open to friendship.

Yes! I agree, friendships and interests are a green flag.

Another poster said about the challenges of spending retirement with someone with no friends or interests, that prospect makes me shudder.

Like many on this thread I'm an introvert. I go out and meet people (often 1:1) every now and then, and just as important is having some time alone at home. If you have a partner with no outside interests, you never get an afternoon just pottering by yourself at home, or evenings watching that film only you fancied. They are always there.

A couple of friendless, single men have posted here asking if they are doomed. No of course not but I think your future relationships would be enhanced by having a life outside your relationship, volunteer, take a class, join a group - it just brings a bit of life and vitality to things x

@LadyNijo I am grateful for your candour.

Like many on this thread I'm an introvert. I go out and meet people (often 1:1) every now and then, and just as important is having some time alone at home. If you have a partner with no outside interests, you never get an afternoon just pottering by yourself at home, or evenings watching that film only you fancied. They are always there

You've hit the nail on the head

So OP your moaning about not having time alone in home as your partner is always there. Not that they don't have friends, your red flag is they are not leaving the house.

Nope. My original posts lists a number of issues with partners that have no friends, subsequent posts add other challenges it can bring, the final one mentions the fact they never leave.the house.

OP you say yourself you're an introvert but go out to meet people. I thought you would be more understanding and not so judgmental.

But if someone is happy to be at home why so judgmental? You can have plenty off hobbies at home. If you want me time, go in another room, garden.

Yes if someone is miserable at home, yes I would encourage them to join groups, get a hobby.

Do you go out alone? Or do you have to be with people, one off those who see doing stuff on your own as sad case.

I wouldn't want someone like you in my life so you judge people who have no friends, hobbies, they are better off without someone like you in their lives.

When my sister's MIL died, she and her FIl had done anything and everything as a couple. He didn't know how to do anything alone and wanted his son and my sister to fill the gap - which my sister wasn't happy about. When our father died, I think Mum found it a bit easier because she already had her own social life and social circle- my parents had always done their own things, as well as things together, and I think that's a good thing.

It's definitely something I expect in my own relationships. I don't have many local friends, but in my 50s, I still catch up with people from school, uni, houseshares, past jobs, and when I've been in relationships, I expect my partner to have their own friends, because it's what's normal to me.

I was at a party before Christmas, talking to someone about how we knew the hosts - he lived down the road from them. I met them in our first post-uni job - they houseshared with my then boyfriend. We're not really close, which is partly a result of geography and moving for jobs, but there are various levels of friendship, and I think men aren't as likely to maintain more distant ones. The man I was talking to was amazed we'd known each other so long, whereas the week before, I'd been back in my childhood home catching up with women I'd known since about age 3 in one case. He wasn't in touch with anyone from school or uni. Whereas at my father's funeral, one of his schoolfriends did a reading - they'd met age 7. So it's normal to me that you maintain relationships.

I've made friends all through my life. Different friends fulfill different needs - sometimes they're there for shared humour, or because they were there when things were tough, or for shared history etc. No one person can be everything.

This is my partner too

Yes if your partner resents you having friends, going out without you is a red flag.

But I feel OP was judging anyone without friends is a red flag.

I've tried to make friends for many years but with having social anxiety it's so hard, people don't give you a chance, see you as stand offish or boring. Yes I'm quiet and don't know what to say at times but when you have been left out off things, pushed out off groups so many times it's soul destroying.

People won't come up to me and start a conversation, I find it much easier if someone would start a conversation with me then having to go upto someone and start a conversation. I find keeping in touch with people hard, even texting and certainly can't talk on the phone.

Sorry but this thread as triggered me, people like OP who judge people without giving them a chance. Not everyone finds it easy to make friends, why so many lonely people in the world.

Rather then judging people without friends, maybe try to get to know them and help them out