Men with no friends

[GauntJudy]

I find it quite common that a man in a relationship has no friends. This has a really unhealthy effect on their relationships with their partner. I see it happen to friends and suffered it myself with my friendless ex.

I had all kinds of crap as a result

• guilt trips if you dare to have fun without them
• having to decline invitations cos you worry you are seeing your friends too much
• sometimes inviting them along with you, but they make zero effort to integrate and you feel like a mediator trying to get them involved
• feeling responsible for their happiness, suggesting clubs and hobbies in the hope they'll change (but they wont)

Anyway it's a huge red flag for me now, I'd warn any of my friends to stay clear from such people.

There are lots of lonely women/ mums out there. It’s not always a red flag to not have friends

Yeah I moved around a bit and I had not a great childhood so I’m very socially awkward. People seem to like to stop for a chat with me but not many want to be my actual friend (which tbf I’m fine with). I’d be a bit hurt if someone read into that there’s something really fundamentally wrong with me as a human.

Obviously the neediness and controlling behaviour are red flags but there are lots of people who don't have regular friends these days. Even if you have adequate social skills today's society generally isn't conducive to making new friends.

I only have friends now because I went to groups during mat leave. My OH doesn't have the option to give birth and do the same thing.

My DH has no friends. Having said that, people like him, and he had friendly acquaintances at work. I have no friends, but I do still occasionally see an ex boyfriend with whom I am friendly when he is back in England every few years.

My DH prefers to spend his time with me, but he doesn't mind if I go out without him, as I don't mind if he goes out without me.

I think the only time it doesn't work is if one partner wants to go out without the other partner a lot, and the other partner objects. That can happen regardless of whether either or both partners have friends.

Same here but he likes sport so would meet people at events. Think its common in men not many friends. I found alot of friends drifting after covid was difficult. Just flaky behaviour. So not always easy with friends. I joined few new hobbies.

Is not the having friends or not it's the control over partner having friends.

Some women don't like their partners going out.

Humans are social creatures, it's the basis of our success, if you spend all your time alone or with the same person it effects your brain.

DH has no friends. I spent years worried about it, trying to initiate friendships on his behalf with my friends' husbands, feeling upset that they didn't like him and that he was so distainful of them. He made zero effort and for a while I was very lonely as we were never invited to the family BBQs or dinner parties that the very sociable crowd of mums I belonged to had at weekends because he was bloody difficult.

Eventually I realised he didn't care. I put no effort into his social life and set about focusing on mine. He was a bit surprised at first but got used to it. About twice a year he feels lonely and pokes a stick at old colleagues or neighbours until one will come for a drink and that keeps him happy for another six months.

The only thing we've missed out on is couples friendships which doesn't bother me now, looking back.

It’s a red flag for me. I don’t want to be the only person in someone’s life, and I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who is either unwilling or unable to make and sustain other relationships.

And I'm sure they wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone as judgemental as you.

I agree

If a partner is controlling and gaslighting this is probably why they are loners. It's up to you to decide against a relationship with this type. Some people are loners and don't care if you're the opposite!

Nothing ‘judgemental’ about being very clear on what doesn’t work for me.

Some posters on here freak out about their DHs having close female friends. I think that’s lunatic and hilariously territorial, personally, but they’re making a judgement call on what works for them, just as I am.

DH took an old female friend to a work event recently, and he flew to Spain to see another one a few weeks ago when she’d lost a parent. For some Mners that’s akin to adultery. For me, that’s completely normal, and actually a good thing. Someone who can make and sustain good, longterm friendships with men and women alike is the kind of person I like having in my life. Friendships energise a marriage.

I am that man, well, sort of.
A lot of my friends from my 20s have faded away and I haven't really made new friends for decades. I have a bit of a social life, but nobody I really click with, other than the few friendships that survive despite not living close and only seeing each other rarely.
My wife has a busy social life and goes on a lot of work events. I run taxi services for the kids and have a club I go to once a week. I changed jobs recently, partly to get more involved at work, but it isn't really going to plan just now.
Sometimes we're good people, but just not great socially.

Men and women without friends are absolutely fine. Some people are introverted or just don’t require much stimulation.

Needy co-dependents, however, I avoid like the plague. I don’t appreciate being suffocated or dictated to, so I won’t have one as a friend nor lover 🛑🚩.

Nothing ‘needy’ or ‘co-dependent’ about having friends.

I’m an introvert, in that I need a lot of time alone, but my friendships are important to me, and I like seeing them, even if I then need more solo time than most to compensate.

I didn’t say people with friends are needy or co-dependent. I say I don’t mind people who do not have friends, as long as they are not the needy co-dependent types who expect you to devote your everything to them.

Totally agree.

I think the men that do go out tend to go to the pub/quiz night and or sports e.g. play golf football rugby etc. Women are in general stronger at forging community links. The need community and friends as emotional nourishment. They are in general more outgoing.

Some women can cope with their friendless husband sat permanently at home when not working. It all depends. It isn't necessarily a red flag.

If you go to an evening class you will find they are mostly attended by women irrespective of subject.

I think even the more introverted women like myself join things. I will be trying out a local choir tomorrow evening which is for women only. It is held at a local rugby club . At least living proof that some men leave the home when not in their jobs! Am hoping to make some new women friends slowly.

I went out with someone for a year who had no friends. He turned out to be horrible.

He acted like he was encouraging me to go out with my friends but the first time I did it, he called me back with an ‘emergency’ and said he was surprised I went. Another time, he knew I was meeting a family member for a coffee but texted me that he was in the area sitting alone in a cafe. He had driven 30 miles from his own home to do that so I felt I had to hurry up with my plans so he wasn’t on his own.

It is definitely alarm bells with me although I accept pp’s points that some people are introverted and don’t act all needy or jealous.

Oh dear he sounds like he was a stalker type with trust issues. Not good.

I'm a single man with no friends. Does that mean it's game over for me?

I mean, you can also be with someone who has no friends and not take it on as your problem or responsibility, or something you need to help them with or change for them.

My DH has no friends (none he sees in person, anyway) and I don’t abstain from social engagements of my own out of some weird codependent guilt about his not having any. Nor do I try to shoehorn him into events with my friends and mediate for him. Why would I do that?

DP doesn’t have any friends. He did do through college and uni but as the years went by they all lost touch. He is simply a little introverted, prefers to go to work then come home and relax with his family. I have a group of 4 best friends and through them and their partners we have formed a wider group of friends we see a few times a year but none of his own making.

He has never hinted I should not see them or shown any resentment, simply sees it as an opportunity to have the Xbox/Tv to himself! There’s a difference between men not having friends because they are an arsehole (red flag) and not having friends due to focusing more on work and family.

Exactly, @Tisfortired. Plenty of people just don’t need a bunch of friends. They’re not all secretly yearning for social rehabilitation.

There’s a massive difference between being a bit of a hermit and being a coercive control freak who expects his partner not to have a social life.

It's fine if a partner is busy all day with work and possibly children/ family. The crunch time is when both retire. Yes there can be joint ventures but even in retirement, you don't want to be joined at the hip. I'm deeply grateful my DH (retired) has retained his friendships through many years where they can talk about their shared interest (a hobby) in the pub while I get my me time! And it makes him happy, just as my friendships make me happy.

My friend's DH has no friends and no hobbies and in retirement, that's challenging - for her