Men with no friends

[GauntJudy]

I find it quite common that a man in a relationship has no friends. This has a really unhealthy effect on their relationships with their partner. I see it happen to friends and suffered it myself with my friendless ex.

I had all kinds of crap as a result

• guilt trips if you dare to have fun without them
• having to decline invitations cos you worry you are seeing your friends too much
• sometimes inviting them along with you, but they make zero effort to integrate and you feel like a mediator trying to get them involved
• feeling responsible for their happiness, suggesting clubs and hobbies in the hope they'll change (but they wont)

Anyway it's a huge red flag for me now, I'd warn any of my friends to stay clear from such people.

OH has a shrinking group of friends as they are dying off. He doesn't go out much and the last think he'd want would be to come with me when I was meeting friends. He's more than happy to sit and read (as would i be). It's me that tends to go with him when he goes out.

My OH doesn't keep up with friends over distance. It's like it doesn't even occur to him. I suppose mens friendships on the surface are more about doing stuff together rather than emotional support so maybe a lot of them don't see any point.

I can't say I've ever dated a man with no friends. Maybe this says something about the kind of men that I've dated (and dh who I married). But I'm probably quite a judgemental person and would probably judge somewhere who didn't have friends as being quite anti-social.

That said, I do think that unlike women, men don't make friends as easily beyond their teens/20s, because they don't have the outlets that women have socially and culturally - mat leave/NCT groups, friend's mums, school gates, children's activities. I'd say that of my friends, about half are school/uni friends I'm still close to 20-30 years later and half are friends I've met through my dc (other mums). Thinking of dh, I'd say 95% of his friends are from college/uni and he only has 1 friend he's made through dc.

But can't say I can think of a man who I've met in a dating capacity who didn't have any friends, or maybe if I did, he was unappealing so I gave him the swerve.

All that said, I'm not a massively social person. I keep in touch with friends (most of whom now live far away) and I chat to people and see people at events or whatever, but I don't have girl friends who I meet up with for drinks regularly or go on holidays with. It wouldn't appeal to me at all - I like seeing people and having a chat, but I don't feel a massive need for friendships beyond that, even though I have very good, long-lasting friendships, like we don't have a WhatsApp group or go to the spa together or anything like that.

Yes I agree- @psycethelic on insta talked a lot about this before

I don't think the OP was challenging all people without friends, she was highlighting what men in relationships with her had done as a result of having no friends, ie:

• guilt trips if you dare to have fun without them
• having to decline invitations cos you worry you are seeing your friends too much
• sometimes inviting them along with you, but they make zero effort to integrate and you feel like a mediator trying to get them involved
• feeling responsible for their happiness, suggesting clubs and hobbies in the hope they'll change (but they wont)

If you don't do these to other people when in relationships then there is no need to feel triggered.

I do understand friendships are often hard, especially when interests change or people move. The trouble comes when in a relationship one person is relying too heavily on the other to maintain their social circles and emotional needs in an expectant way.

Respectfully, you’re expecting a lot from other people that you’re unprepared or unable to give yourself.

If you find it too difficult to approach someone else and start a conversation, why do you think other people (who may also be shy) should do it for you? If you’re standing alone on the edge of a party not making eye contact or attempting to mingle, do you honestly think it’s other people’s job to notice you, examine you, decide it’s shyness rather than a desire to be left alone, and go and include you (when it’s perfectly possible it’s the last thing someone standing alone might want)?

A lot of people find starting conversations with strangers difficult and hate using the phone. You’re far from unique in that.

If you’re the one who wants to make friends, though, ^you’re the one who needs to make an effort, however difficult you find it — you don’t get to decide everyone else is a gregarious extrovert who would think you were fabulous if they bothered to get to know you, and it’s their fault they haven’t! If you’re fabulous, show me! I’m not going to magically be able to intuit that the woman alone in the corner is really interesting and, despite her monosyllabic replies is actually a brilliant conversationalist underneath.

Of course not, but parents/aunts/uncles aren’t usually ‘friends’ in the usual sense (though a sibling might be), and you only have to glance at Mn to see how many familial relationships are a messy combination of FOG with affection, and are in many cases as much a weight of responsibility/obligation etc as a source of warmth, liking and sociability. When it comes down to it, relatives aren’t ‘chosen’ as friends are. I don’t think it’s the same.

Dh does have friends but not the motivation to plan to see them, some he doesn't see in years and then just a quick text but they are always there for each other when it matters.
I think he prefers to go out with my friends and chat to the their husbands as I've done all the planning and arrangements but he won't plan his own social life so he doesn't have one.

I think it depends on your relationship with your family. I'm pretty close to my parents, and I have a very close relationship with my (adult) DSD.