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It's been a long time coming but I fear I may have been unkind

114 replies

Sparetoes · 08/03/2024 21:05

DH died and as is apparently often the case, "our" friendship group completely disappeared. Even let me down over help they'd offered for the funeral (yes I posted at the time).

Since then, I've formed new friendships and quite an active social life and have learned that they've been gossiping about me living it up on DH's money and not behaving like a widow should etc etc.

I haven't heard from them at all in months and months (these are people DH and I socialised with approx once a week, people who assured him they'd look out for me. All couples, which I think is probably relevant). I see them occasionally at social things with a wider circle and do just enough to be polite. They do the same.

Anyway I was having coffee with a group and one of the women happened to be there. We were talking about plans for the weekend. I said "I'm going to see Wicked Little Letters, does anyone want to come?"

This woman's response was "what on your own"

My reply " well when your husband dies and the people you thought were friends disappear, then spread nasty gossip about your attempts to carry on living, you kind of just have to get on with it, but actually, I've found I enjoy going to the pictures alone".

She was very spluttery and embarrassed, then one of the men saved the day by offering to come with me which I'm sure she'd disapprove of and we talked about the film/arrangements.

Anyway, did I go too far?

OP posts:
AuntMarch · 08/03/2024 23:16

Sparetoes · 08/03/2024 21:34

Thanks you're all very kind. I wonder what others who were there and don't know the history would be thinking?

They probably figured it out quite qquickly and were proud of you for not taking her little dig quietly!

FlamingoFloss · 08/03/2024 23:27

I don’t blame you one little bit and think you did the right thing

easilydistracted1 · 08/03/2024 23:31

Hahahaha excellent! Wish I'd been a fly on the wall! Go you. Virtual high five. Only thing missing was someone high fiving you at the time

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/03/2024 23:47

Absolutely brilliant. One of those occasions when just the right words come out at the right time.

OddityOddityOdd · 08/03/2024 23:59

Absolutely the right response, well done for calling it out. Anyway, going to the cinema on your own is one of life's treats, I love it. I can't understand why some people view it as a social horror to be avoided at all costs. 2 hrs on your own with a packet of (quiet) sweets and no distractions and a good film, what's not to like? Going with a friend is seriously overrated.

blackpear · 09/03/2024 00:40

No. You shouldfeel v proud of yourself. Bloody well done x

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 09/03/2024 00:43

I remember you other thread. Good for you. I am sure your DH would be so pleased you are making the best of life. You sound great! I would love a friend like you and think your old friends are missing out xx

Catsmere · 09/03/2024 04:16

Even if it was unkind, so what? This "Be Kind" bullshit that's thrown at women all the time is regressive and controlling. You stood up for yourself after prolonged provocation - well done. You don't owe kindness (or anything else) to people who've been deliberately cruel to you.

MCOut · 09/03/2024 04:23

I’m sorry for your loss. No, that wasn’t too much. What they really deserved was a proper sit down conversation in which you let them know how hurtful you found their absence and the gossip. Instead she got a 10 second comment which will hopefully make her think and apologise.

MyLovelyPurse · 09/03/2024 04:29

What you said is fine, and well done for saying it.

I am amazed by the behaviour you have experienced though, it sounds like a village in the 1950s. I don’t know people who mainly socialise as couples (DH and I very rarely do) it doesn’t make any difference at all if someone is single in my social world and also completely commonplace to holiday, go to the cinema etc. alone married or not.

Fraaahnces · 09/03/2024 04:32

Your response was all kinds of perfect @Sparetoes . The testy woman was trying to put you on the spot by making you embarrassed and uncomfortable. You just Uno Reverso’d her! *Bowing in awe!

Redcar78 · 09/03/2024 04:38

Perfect, well done you 💐

iamwhatiam23 · 09/03/2024 05:07

No op, you were absolutely spot on x

justtidying · 09/03/2024 06:53

You are my hero. Well done. It was perfect.

BogRollBOGOF · 09/03/2024 07:06

That response was spot on and well deserved. I'm impressed that it came out at the right moment and not 5 minutes later too.

Nowt wrong with going to the cinema alone at all anyway. It's hardly the place for ongoing dialogue!

HomeTheatreSystem · 09/03/2024 07:26

I've no idea why you'd have thought that was unkind. They've behaved appallingly to you and all you did was let them know that you're only too aware of what's been said behind your back. If she was embarrassed by being shown up for the cow she is in front of other people, that was on her.

ClutchingOurBananas · 09/03/2024 07:34

Sometimes unkindness is absolutely the right choice.

All this ‘if you’re going to be anything: be kind’ stuff that’s been so heavily promoted over the last decade (and primarily aimed at women) isn’t actually healthy. Why should you ‘be kind’ to people who treat you very poorly?

Namechangeforadhd · 09/03/2024 07:39

No you didn't! That's the kind of response most people would wish they had given!

IncompleteSenten · 09/03/2024 07:40

No you did not. That was bloody well done! Do not back down from that.

People who show no kindness have no right to expect any kindness shown to them.

Re what others thought - I would have thought poor you, let down by your friends when you needed them most.

Wonderwall23 · 09/03/2024 07:41

(To put this in context I'm someone who is generally pro-avoiding conflict at all costs)...

Well done, OP. Good on you!

Crossroadslife · 09/03/2024 07:49

As a fellow widow, I salute you. Keep at it!

Elderflower14 · 09/03/2024 07:51

Well done you!! 👏 👏 👏 👏

BeethovenNinth · 09/03/2024 07:52

Fab-u-lous

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 09/03/2024 07:56

As a fellow widow I’d have said the same. My best friend went arsey because I couldn’t go to her 40th birthday because you know I didn’t have anyone to look after my kids as their dad had died. I’ve not seen her for 6 years and would blank her in the street if I ever did see her.

LuluBlakey1 · 09/03/2024 07:57

Sparetoes · 08/03/2024 21:05

DH died and as is apparently often the case, "our" friendship group completely disappeared. Even let me down over help they'd offered for the funeral (yes I posted at the time).

Since then, I've formed new friendships and quite an active social life and have learned that they've been gossiping about me living it up on DH's money and not behaving like a widow should etc etc.

I haven't heard from them at all in months and months (these are people DH and I socialised with approx once a week, people who assured him they'd look out for me. All couples, which I think is probably relevant). I see them occasionally at social things with a wider circle and do just enough to be polite. They do the same.

Anyway I was having coffee with a group and one of the women happened to be there. We were talking about plans for the weekend. I said "I'm going to see Wicked Little Letters, does anyone want to come?"

This woman's response was "what on your own"

My reply " well when your husband dies and the people you thought were friends disappear, then spread nasty gossip about your attempts to carry on living, you kind of just have to get on with it, but actually, I've found I enjoy going to the pictures alone".

She was very spluttery and embarrassed, then one of the men saved the day by offering to come with me which I'm sure she'd disapprove of and we talked about the film/arrangements.

Anyway, did I go too far?

You now know that as a single woman of a certain age you grow lizard skin which you have to keep hidden under your clothing, and you are rejected, reviled and cast out into the wilderness by the ruling group, the smug, established, married couples who consider themselves a superior race.

You gave her a very appropriate poke in the eye with a sharp stick. Well done!

I have never forgotten my smug cousin saying to me when I was newly single after a long relationship, and needed a bit of support, 'I can't imagine what it must be like for this to keep happening to you. Freddie and I were discussing it and saying we have no idea how people who aren't married manage to find any happiness. It must be awful.'

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